How awesome is this site??? This is my first post after reading so many of your stories. My heart and prayers go out to you. I think some of us can admit that in reading some of your posts we can see that someone always has it worse.

I am not Dr Phil but I feel I have earned a PHD in dealing with “drama bio-mama” and satan spawn skids. I am a SM a BM and an adoptive mom to 7 kids ages ranging from 7-22 so I have been through it ALL. We have 50/50 custody so we have them a lot. I have been through the “I hate you” “I love you” “my mom hates you” the disrespect and the constant arguing with the BM and DH about lack of discipline.

I am hoping my advice as someone who is in the trenches along with you will encourage you today and while no advice is perfect since there are so many situations out there my intent is only to come along side ya sistahs and let you know that you are not alone.

I know how hard it is to deal with crazy BMs the BM of my skids is bi-polar and so is her son… that makes for a hootin’ fun time let me tell ya and woooo does she hate me so I feel ya ladies who just want so badly sometimes to take that broomstick that the BM’s ride on and beat them with it.

Here is what my many years of dealing with this crap has taught me I hope it helps someone to find some peace today so listen close grasshopper and don’t make the same mistakes I made.

Every marriage is different but for me I love my DH with ALL my heart and we have been through hell & back over this drama. I have screamed, yelled and threatened to leave many times but when it started to change is when I accepted some hard truths and changed my thinking instead of trying to change the skids and the BM’s horrible treatment of me.

If you love your DH FIGHT for your marriage instead of fighting skids/bm. If you cave in to all the pressure they are trying to heap on you and you walk out who wins??? They do… and I can’t speak for you but hell will freeze over before I let them beat me down and hand them my sanity and marriage on a silver platter.

These are some of the hard truths that set me free in my situation maybe they will help you…

*It’s okay not to be crazy about your skids/BM, you are not a horrible person for wishing they would leave and never come back they can be straight up hurtful & mean and tear your marriage apart and in everyday life we don’t let people treat us that way so why should we expect to feel anything but contempt for anyone who treats us like trash? That’s normal! So don’t beat yourself up, the skids/bm will do plenty of that for you ha. Through the years it will be up & down your relationship with them they will hate & love you in the same breath.

*Remind myself daily that I am not in a contest for my DH and his love, even though its plain as day to me where he is clearly wrong with these kids I need to remember just because he does not parent the way I want him to does not mean he does not love me enough. It only means he can be weak sometimes and is in a horrible spot to choose between his kids and his spouse… seriously who wants to make that choice?? He does not want to be the “bad guy” and many times will do nothing when he should do something, which will drive you crazy and you’re right and just to feel hurt and mad but don’t let it consume you.

*Decide today to take your power back! You teach people how to treat you, if skids/bm treat you with disrespect don’t wait for you DH to defend you, defend yourself, the skids/bm need to learn your boundaries from YOU. It only makes you look weak in their eyes when DH has to tell them how to treat you or you just run away from them and lock yourself in a room or don’t come home that’s the worst thing you can do even though it feels so good to be away from them, don’t give them that satisfaction that is your house so why are you hiding out? Respect trumps backlash is my motto” don’t cower to booger rats just because you don’t want to deal with the screaming “zilla BM” every time you do that you just taught them how to get to you. You don’t have to insult them or be mean just be firm that you won’t tolerate it, if your DH will back you even better but if he won’t then do it for yourself. On the same token when they do treat you well acknowledge it & do something nice for them.

*Your worth as a woman is NOT defined by how these kids/bm feel about/treat you or what your DH does or does not do so don’t tie it to that. You can only be the best mom you can be that’s ALL you truly have control over. You are the one who will decide what your legacy in this family will be don’t let someone else make that choice for you.

*Kids no matter what the situation are really and truly hurt by divorce no matter what they say and you have to realize that hurt people are the ones who hurt people. How they treat you is really NOT about YOU as much as it’s about their feelings at the moment it’s easier to “hate on you” than their parents, it’s easier to cause all kinds of havoc and make you the scapegoat for all that’s wrong in their lives than to accept any personal responsibility. That’s especially true when the BM gives them attention for ragging on you and if they see it makes their BM happy when they act horrible to you, you have to see it for what it really is they want to make their BM happy and if your head is the price to get that love they will pay it every time.

* I can choose how to raise my own kids but I can’t force my DH or BM to raise theirs the way I want them to. They are adults even if they do not act it sometimes and if their choice is to raise booger rats then you have to let THEM own that choice and the outcome of it.That’s the hardest pill to swallow because you want what’s right & fair in your home but it does not mean you will get it.

Again this is just advice that has worked for me, I still have bad days where I wonder how fast I can get a u-haul here! I don’t think that will ever change but I only need to look at the horrible example being set by their BM on what a being mom means, and I vow to model for them what a great mom really is (even though it is so darn hard) the way mine did for me (even though they don’t deserve it ) instead of turning into what they tried to create me to be.

I hope this helps someone. Remember to have a blessed day just to spite em!!!!!!!