How do I get through to DH – if it’s not too late? (sorry, it’s long)
The biggest thing we fight about is the week to week arrangements with his kids (14 & 18). BM moved them a two hour (each way) drive away from us some years ago and so we can’t exactly be impulsive or flexible when organising time to see them. But DH still can’t seem to understand the need for a regular routine. We are supposed to have them with us on a 2 weekend on/1 weekend off basis but even when we have a calendar worked out, Skids/BM constantly want to change dates.
For instance, DH and I did the calendar for Jan-May but every weekend in May was moved around at the last minute to accommodate BM for events she knew of well in advance. So we asked BM and SDs to do a Jun – Aug calendar and include all their events. Here it is mid July and we are on our third weekend change to accommodate an event they knew about months ago but ‘forgot’ (read couldn’t be bothered) to include in their arrangements.
DH sees absolutely no problem in this chopping and changing - “His relationship with his girls will not be defined by a calendar” and “His girls don’t have to make an appointment to see him” and I am “too rigid” and “we had no plans anyway”. Sometimes they do a swap of weekends but sometimes, we just lose our weekend altogether. Unless we have a weekend away booked DH feels we have no plans... well, who can afford a weekend away every month? I’ve tried so hard to introduce the concept of “DH and Holly Time” and joked about having to make an appointment to have sex but he still doesn’t get it.
Last night they called asking for the latest swap – and kindly offered to just make it an “extra weekend” for DH (meaning we got no free time until end of Aug) and of course it ended up in a heated discussion. I went too far this time as he accused me of the usual: resenting his kids, not caring, not understanding his situation (cuz during the school year my older college age kids live with me). I let him have it about how his Disney daddy routine is enabling them to be spoiled, ungrateful, inconsiderate and irresponsible – primarily to HIM. And that I was sick of watching him get upset by their behaviour and cry on my shoulder only to turn around and facilitate them all over again when they want new arrangements, a ride to see their friends, more money..... you get the picture. I know I went too far and we might be teetering on the edge of splitting up but:
Am I being unreasonable, should I just always say yes to any and all weekend changes irrespective?
Is there any calm, reasonable way to explain to him that I want, no I NEED time where he and I just focus on each other as husband and wife? I’m not sure I want to wait another 10 yrs until his baby is finished college for him to have time for me, for us.
When I say no make up weekend
When I say no make up weekend - I mean for BM - sometimes we have 5 weekends in a row if BM doesn't take her weekend so we have less no kid weekends than scheduled.
Yes, I know it's different for me, I might not see much of my kids between college and their social life but I do usually pass them on the stairs once a day! I'm trying to understand but I guess I'm being selfish.
We had one weekend this year with no kids at all and it was heaven - so romantic
I just wish I felt like I could have some one to one time with my DH once in a while.
Sorry, I should have said
Sorry, I should have said lose our weekend alone.
DH is a bit of a workaholic but maybe i have to take the bull by the horns and book an evening with him
Hey Holly.... well you can
Hey Holly.... well you can still have some time with your DH...family time instead of you and him time.but you can do something romantic during the week maybe.. I guess BM is loving having every weekend to herself....hmmmm maybe that's her plan..
Listen we do not get to see my SD10 very much because her BM is totally insane and let me tell you my DH is missing his only child grow up and that breaks my heart. I do wish we were able to see my SD alot more but we dont. We drive a total of 3hrs in one day to go and get her and then the same to drop her off and BM drive 6 minutes one way and will not drive any further. BM told DH you want to see your daughter you drive or I guess you wont see her.
So yes it's a pain in the ass when your Skids change plans but they are teenagers and really if you have nothing going on it's not harming anything..
Just find a different way to get some romance back into your lives..I mean come on it doesnt have to be on the weekend..you can be romantic anytime..just be creative..
Cheers.... Z
I did light some candles and
I did light some candles and put a 'saucy' dvd on in our bedroom on a Tuesday night a couple of weeks ago - scared the cr*p out of DH! "Shhhh" he said, "your DS might come home. Can I just turn the station and check the golf?"
Sigh.
Must try harder - any hints?
WEll he needs to step up as
WEll he needs to step up as well. You need him in a romantic, partner way and he needs to realize this..he does need to make more of an effort.
I dont like it either when BM changes everything but at the end of the day, your DH needs to decide what is best for his kids but he also needs to put YOU FIRST. Your opinion matters and counts..you are his wife...
You wrote something that your DH will not define his relationship by a calendar and that his girls do not need an appointment to see him... WEll you are his number one girl so she should treat you the same way if not better.
Z
I really do think it is VERY
I really do think it is VERY unreasonable for DH to agree to BM's last minute changes to the schedule. I myself react very badly when my SD's BM tries a last minute switch on me - and my DH understands that I need "me and him time" for the sake of my mental health. He commutes and we only see each other for an hour in the evening before we go to bed, plus EOW, so it is extremely crucial for me to know when our quiet weekends alone are going to be, and that they will be regular, barring the very occasional time when we agree to switch with BM. (I don't think that we have EVER requested a switch).
So I for one am with you all the way - who typically wants an "extra" weekend with their SKIDS? This is a very self serving attitude for the BM to adopt. Your DH may want an extra one but he should acknowledge that you primarily want time with him, and should be grateful that you do! Too much taking us for granted and we may decide there is just not enough for us in the relationship. That is why I left my first marriage.
my skids are an hour away and
my skids are an hour away and they do this to us too. I've pushed to SO that we need to know something at least by thurs. Sometimes he does it sometimes he doesn't.
I am like you, I like to plan and I like to have a weekend alone with him if I can. Not only just with him, but just so I don't have to be "on" with the skids here. It gets tiring every weekend to have house guests. Sorry, but thats how they feel to me.
Since they aren't living with us full time, SO does the guilt disney thing and over does activities. Its tiring. I don't always go to all of htem. For a while, i went to none of them because I disengaged. If they lived here, they would be a lot more independent. Since they don't, I guess he feels like he has to entertain. I prefer kids entertain themselves unless they need something.
Got off track, sorry. in our case its the skids, not the BM. SO has a hard time saying no. He has gotten better about letting me know right away though.
"Shhhh" he said, "your DS
"Shhhh" he said, "your DS might come home. Can I just turn the station and check the golf?"
I see this as a far worse problem then scheduling issues. Your missing the intimate connection with your spouse. Three options: he needs to step it up, go to counseling, or you need to get gone.
If he's not intimate with you, then who is he being intimate with?
Maybe I should get out the
Maybe I should get out the golf club and chase him down the drive
It's too late. Start making
It's too late. Start making plans to BAIL!!!
Well, although I feel bad
Well, although I feel bad because I was pretty harsh, seems like DH heard something I said. He called to say that he will discuss swapping weekends with the skids but will make sure they stay with BM on an alternate weekend instead so we can go away and have a child free (golf free too) couple of days to focus on each other.
We both realise that we are not understanding the other's point of view too well so we need to find a compromise.
Cherish, thanks for the book suggestion, I will look it up, I think that DH and I have totally different ideas of the language of love alright!