What's Your Opinion?
Hello All I am new to the forum so please bear with me. I am a BM mother of two teens 13 and 14 years of age. My fiance and I have been together for a year. He and I met 6 years ago at my church. He and I have served on several groups together so my kids were "familiar" with him since we are all members of the same church. After playing around with the idea of dating we decided to go for it. We began seeing each other often and when things began to get serious, I started to mention it to my girls. I told the girls that he and I were getting serious and I wanted them to get to know him. Immediately the walls went up. They refused to get to know him. They did not want too. Their argument was that it has been the three of us for 14 years, why add someone else to the equation? Now my kids father passed away when my oldest was 1 months and my youngest was not even born yet. There has been no father figure in their lives. It has always been just the three of us.
On Thanksgiving he proposed to me and the resentment continues. They are respectful, meaning they speak to him. But he is expecting this budding relationship with them as if they are going to be BFF's forever. Now that we are living together, the kids have expressed that its not him, its the changes that they are not quite cool with. The changes meaning instead of me handling all the chores they have their share of chores. FH belives that they hate him. I continue to tell him that its not him, that it could be any man that I get involved with. He has this level of distrust for them and he wants me to feel the same way he does. I refuse to live in a manner where I don't trust my kids. I mean don't get me wrong they are teens, they are going to test the waters. What teenagers do you know who are going to be good little angels? I don't know of any. My theory is as long as they don't resent him or rebel against us by smoking, sexing and calling us out of our names. They don't do those things.
Another stupid thing that he mentioned was that since they don't talk to him, he is not gonna talk to them. What kind of elemenatry school tactic is that. Here I am trying to bridge the gap and he is creating a further wedge. HELP ME!!! All advise is welcomed!! Oh BTW, he does not have any children.
I don't really have any
I don't really have any advice, just a question:
Why would you expect him to talk to them if they won't talk to him?
Honestly, as a stepmom myself, I can see his POV. Is it really that childish to not talk to children who obviously don't want to talk to you? Why would he try to hold the conversation up one sided? As stepparents, sometimes bioparents expect too much of us.
What your husband is doing is called disengaging. He chooses not to engage with your daughters as a way of saving his own sanity, and maybe your marriage as well. It probably drives him crazy that through no fault of his own, your daughters refuse to have a relationship with him past the basics. So disengaging is his way of letting it go so that he doesn't let them get to him.
FH shouldn't expect you not to trust your kids, and in turn, you shouldn't expect him to trust them or engage with them either, if all he is going to do is get the cold shoulder. That's not right. Just remember that FH married you, not your children. You can't expect him to love them and treat them the same way you would. That's another thing that Bioparents do. They expect that since we married them, their kids are a package deal. That is correct, the kids come along with you, but you should not expect us to have the same relationship with your children as you do. It's nearly impossible.
Have you guys discussed family counseling? Maybe give that a go for a while...
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
I'm guessing he moved in to
I'm guessing he moved in to your house. So they see him as intruding on their territory.
You might want to think about how much time you all spent together as a family before he moved in? Did they get a chance to develop a relationship involving some aspects of discipline or simply doing things BF asked?
Are you moving a bit fast for them? Mind you it sounds a bit late if BF has moved in.
Two teens are a formidable force if they want to be. It sounds like BF needs to do some good relationship building rather than laying down the law.
Maybe you should be the disciplinarian for a while and let him be the good guy.
Maybe you all could do some 'fun' things together. What do the teens like doing. There's no point in dragging them along to do something they don't particularly enjoy.
Just some thoughts. It might sound like you are rewarding them for bad behaviour, but it's more about building a relationship before piling in the discipline.
Good luck
Check this
Check this out:
http://www.bonusfamilies.com/articles/singleparent.php?id=264
It might help you recognize what is normal behavior. Your kids are proably scared, and not sure how to deal with it.
http://www.bonusfamilies.com/articles/bonus-living.php?id=145
http://www.bonusfamilies.com/articles/bonus-living.php?id=78
I hope these articles help. If you browse the site I'm sure you can find alot more too! There is even a section your kids can read!
Thanks to all of your
Thanks to all of your comments. We are going to family and couples counseling now. As far as what they did to have the distrust. One afternoon after school, in staed of my daughters coming straight home they walked a fellow student home. It was not the fact that they walked them home, it was that they came home first and left the hose to walk them home. I am also a student, so there are times when I am not home. They just stay in their room. Even when I am home, they stay in their rooms. They are respectful to the point of speaking and being cordial. But he is expecting this BFF relationship with them and that is not going to happen right away. Actually, he moved in with me temporarily until we ended up getting a place together. I believe that my kids want me to stay single. It could be any guy that I date and they would have a problem with it. He does allow me to be the discipliarian. However, when it comes to chores we both give those orders. Keep in mind that I had been the one to do all the chores around the house and now they have to lend a hand.
Believe me I am doing all kinds of family activities for us to participate in movies, laser tag, family game night and so on and so on. I just wanna bridge the gap. I know that they are not gonna be BFF's but he has to let go of the juvenile mentality that he is not going to talk to them. I think that is crazy. Even if he asks how was school today or practice? So what they give a one word answer at least they are responding.
You are right he is marrying me and not my kids. I know there is no such thing as a perfect family. Unfortunatley, that's what he is expecting.
To be fair, while he is
To be fair, while he is marrying you, you and your kids are a package deal. He can't get you without taking them on too. I'm in a situation where I want to marry a man with two children (both of whom say the same exact thing as your girls....they like me ok, just not the changes that are happening) and they are doing everything possible to make him choose them over me.
Your future husband shouldnt be using childish tactics to deal with them, but try to bear in mind that its extraordinarily difficult to come into a family, feel like no one wants you there...like all you do is cause strife and like things are never going to get better. Its heartbreaking. I speak from personal experience only...the situation might be entirely different from mine but try to bear in mind that this is probably as hard for him as it is for you.
I'm sorry to say but its not
I'm sorry to say but its not juvenile for him not to talk to your kids when they wont talk to him. HE is the adult. THEY are the children. Just because they dotn like him too much doesn't mean they have to be disrespectful by not speaking to him. By not acknowledging his presence with at least a hello. If they dont acknowledge him , in that way, your kids are being rude and disrespectful to your husband and you should be the one to talk to them and put them straight.
He's expecting them to give him a change, He never got that chance. Its not fair to accuse him of being juvenile when it was your kids int he first place who put up walls.
And your daughters are also beign disrespectful to you as their mother for placing you in this situ. For not allowing a chance with this man who you love and who you have married. Its time for some serious talk with your daughters. To give your husband a chance. They dont have to be buddy buddy..but he makes an effort to ask them how is school...why dont they ask him how his day was? Its not fair for your dh to be treated in that manner when he's done nothing wrong to them.
Wait I didn't say that they
Wait I didn't say that they don't acknowledge. That they do. When they come in the house or enter a room the speak and say Hello. That's where it ends. There is no engaging conversation. That's what I mean. His attitude is if they don't talk to him then he won't talk to them. They speak! They have been raised to be respectful. No Doubt!!! He has not in any was shape or form helped to bridge the gap. I was saying to get pass the Hello's he could ask how was school or practice. But he does not.
No he has never been married
No he has never been married and does not have any kids.
Maybe you should make sure
Maybe you should make sure BF has a really good think about whether he wants to make this commitment. Maybe a 'non live-in' relationship would work better.
I really wish I had done things differently. If I could do it all again I'd have kept my own home and BF could stay in his own home with his kids. We could then meet when we wanted.
As it is, we shared a home and got married. Skids came to live with us and I feel invaded. My things become public property and just having another person in your home that you aren't intimate with is difficult.
Although I'd been married before and had long-term live-in partners, I'd not experienced living with Skids.
I absolutely hate it. I'm making the most of it because I love DH, we have dogs that I won't abandon and I've burnt so many bridges re finances.
I'm just waiting for the day DH and I are living on our own. Until then it's gritted teeth most of the time. We all keep trying to make things better, but there's always an undercurrent, and it wears you down.
If your BF has the option of keeping the relationship with you alive and well without you living together, why don't you do that until at least your kids are more accepting. Why the rush?
If BF hasn't got the option of doing that, maybe this should be a warning flag regarding his motives too.
All the best
I respect that he wants to
I respect that he wants to be more involved but that he is frustrated and probably feels disrespected by the way he is treated.
My advice is that you have a family sit-down and just let him tell the kids that he is there as your wife and he wants to be their friend. Let him take them somewhere fun like an amusement park and give them some time to bond. It will only work if they all participate.
I wish you luck.