Yes- my bad. BM has mental issues. It's already been a long day. Biomom is close by. Which causes probs. Hubby deploys often- on 4th deployment. I've basically been a stepmom for about 5 years. She has full custody and I have no rights. She plays games with pick-ups and drop-offs. Kids play games since Dad is away- lying is their favorite. I feel very alone in this situation. Any advice from anybody out there?
Military Stepmom! My SD lives with me, while her dad travels for work - for months at a time. BM has an undiagnosed personality disorder. SD's therapist and another counselor I have talked to think BM is histrionic, while DH and I think she shows more narcissistic tendencies.
You may want to check out some of my past blogs / posts and then let me know if you have any questions.
Best of luck!!
** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Thanks, Stick! We're actually trying to get the kids into therapy, but the BM won't sign the paperwork. What a piece of work! She must really love her kids, huh.... My hubby has even tried emailing a request that she stop putting the kids in the middle and communicate via email in a timely manner and she won't reply... Someone deserves the worst mother of the year award...
You really need to call your attorney and see what your options are. Document everything and ask your attorney if they'll look at your documentation. Perhaps your husband's family would consider seeking visitation. Many grandparents get court-ordered visitation when the parent(s) won't let them see their grandkids.
Why does BM have to sign the paperwork? Isn't the father enough to sign them up? Yeah, when a BM is too concerned with how it looks it just shows that she doesn't care about her kids.. she only cares about herself. If she didn't have anything to be afraid of, she would just get the kids into therapy. After all, it's in THEIR best interest, right??
UGH>...
You may need to at least threaten her with contacting an attorney. If your BM is anything like ours over here, then she won't want to spend the money to fight it, and the possibility that it could come out in public that she is fighting getting her own kids help could be enough to scare her into compliance.
Once you have a therapist on board, your job in getting what's right for the skids will be easier, because she won't be able to contradict the therapist on what is best.
At least, that's how it worked for us.
Again - please don't hesitate to contact me.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Thanks for the advice...we've already contacted an attorney on a couple different matters- her posting lies about me on facebook that could cost me my job, her not notifying us about moving- it's been a total nightmare since my hubby deployed...I think both her and the kids think they can get away with things since he's gone...
We've already sent over paperwork from the lawyer and she called the lawyer, yelling inappropriate things at her, and said she would go to court with us and it would get ugly. We don't want to put the kids through that, but then again we're at our rope's end. I don't know...I didn't realize you could go to a lawyer if she won't sign paperwork about therapy...we may have to contact our lawyer again...
I think the attorney can appeal to the court for a guardian ad litem for the kids. And then the guardian would determine if they need therapy. But in any event, I don't think it would look good to the court that BM is refusing to get her kids help. What does she have to hide? I would just ask your attorney how to proceed. Best of luck!!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Military Stepmom,
You are not alone.
I have gone through it too.
Believe it or not, as of 2007, 65% of military families are "blended".
More like a nuclear explosion sometimes ,,,
This is the worst time and you will feel like your marriage is being tested.
After all, why are YOU taking care of someone else's kids right?
You ARE kind of being tested I guess because why would you do it unless you love HIM?
At the end of the day, that's why.
So you have to pick your place and prioritize your feelings - #1 is you, #2 is him, #3 kids and so on ... or however you feel.
But more than anything, have him get you a SPECIFIC POA to address the skids so you have a little bit of support while he is gone. Even if he is deployed most FOBs are close to an installation with a legal office (unless he is SF in which case those guys go everywhere).
You can't take legal action while he is gone due to the inability to report to court (although some states allow a little bit of action such as file for separation) but you can save some of that combat tax exclusion pay and family separation pay to pay for a decent lawyer to amend the custody papers when he gets back.
Hope you find some peace.
"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln
Thanks, Cactus30...I do have POA- general and specific. Hubby decided to wait until he gets back- not long now- to approach the BM in person about therapy for the kids, so if we do take it to court, there aren't anymore excuses like "oh- he was deployed and I didn't think about dealing with it now" or "I lost the paperwork in the move" (they're moving for the umpteenth time across town) or "I can't read English and didn't understand it" (she's also from another country). I swear my head will pop if she uses one more excuse as to why she does not have to act like a good mother.
You are right, too. This was a MAJOR test this deployment. And a MAJOR learning experience. Throughout this deployment, she has made every move she can to try and make my life hell. I have NO idea why she cares about me- she is remarried with another kid from Daddy #3. Hubby and I started dating AFTER they divorced. Even met after they divorced. I have absolutely nothing to do with her, other than her kids....Some people just need to get a life. This deployment (not the first one, either) I realized I need to take care of me, Hubby, then the kids. Up until now, it was not that order. Especially the placement of me. If there's another deployment, it's already been decided I am NOT taking the kids, due to their behavior and mostly BM's. I do not wish for a repeat of these past 6 months.
Me and my partner put off court for ages trying to do what was best for everyone but eventually we had no choice but so far it has paid off. Dont get me wrong she is still a pain in the arse but theres certain things she just cant get away with now and the things she does which is wrong are easier to cope with and I am sure that the kids will grow up and rememeber what she did and not thatnk her for it.
What I would say is although it is hard going to court and it costs alot of money and at times while court etc is going through can make the bm to be at her worst in the long run it does pay of as she knows you are serious and will not be threatened by her.
Whilst if you leave it she will think you wont go to court because of her threats and she will continue to do what she is doing or could get worse.
So I need some opinions on this one...a few months ago BM posted some very horrendous lies about me online and and I tried to go legal with it, but BM wouldn't sign the paperwork. Due to this, I stopped picking up the skids (it involved the skids- who told her the truth and she still wouldn't sign anything) Now that BF is returning from deployment, I asked if he was going to tell the skids about it and he said no. So now she gets away with one more thing and is probably seen in their eyes as a wonderful mother who cares about them and I am the mean SM. I can't win!!!!! Any opinions? Skids are teens, so they would be old enough to hear about it....
Most people wouldn't admit to harassment or slandering...lol BM isn't any different. Why would she sign anything incriminating herself? File a police report instead. And keep and continue the documentation.
I'm going to have to side with your DH...the children shouldn't know about this. It make them feel like their bad too (being a product of whathaveyou) and/or backfire and make them more fiercely loyal to the less-than-stellar parent. They'll want to protect the one who's being "bashed" in their eyes. Instead, be just as wonderful as BM perceives herself to be. One day she'll do something she won't be able to hide from the kids. The blame will fall on the right person...just give'm enough rope and they'll do it themselves.
I do believe DH should be sympathetic to what you're dealing with. I hope he tore BM a new one for you. She's sounds like a piece of work. NOt to mention you raising these children when he deployed. That's way above and beyond what a usual step-parent does. You deserve a spa-day
I think since their teens and if they bring up the subject, i think you speak with them. Since it involved you and they're old enough, there is nothing wrong with you speakign with them. You can tell your bf you intend to sit with his kids and bring it up.
When he gets deployed...the kids dont stay with you period.
As for court, if you have the money and she is slandering you, i would sue her. Dont worry about the kids. They are old enough
I just spend last weekend basically telling my sd how her mother is and and how she's been for the last ten years. She agreed with me...she cna't deny her mother behaviour, she was witness to many of her outbursts and unappropriate behaviour. I sent a legal letter basiccally warning bm ot shut her mother about me and her kids. ANy further slandering i 'll take her to court. She never bothered me again.
Honestly, if bm has mental issues....it may be a waste of money for you. Because even if your win in court, since she is mental, she will likely continue. I would basically shut her out and her kids when your bf deploys and when he comes back have no contact with her or involvement...
Bm's who are insecure or have issues will always lie. By saying nothing about them...and letting them dig their own pit is the best thing to do...cause in the long run , the kids growing up see what there mom is and start puttihng her in her place.
Thanks for the advice...I already let BF know that I am no longer going anywhere near that BM's house...not for pick-ups or anything. He will be doing all of that from here on out. I do not need to put myself in the situation where I am anywhere near BM after the slanderous lies she posted about me. What a POS. (I hope that acronym is okay....;-) ) I just can't wait until 4/5 more years when BM is (kind of) out of our lives. I hope I last that long in the relationship...I tell ya what. Without support from BF it's going to be a bumpy ride...
My husband has returned safe and healthy. Thank the Lord.
Unfortunately, I tried the lawyer route, sending an affidavit, etc. She ignored it until the last day that she legally could, then called and swore and yelled at my lawyer. (Typical.) Then she said that we wouldn't have a chance in court due to freedom of speech. My lawyer said she was slightly right. That it would be extremely hard to settle this in court due to Freedom of Speech. Isn't that bull?! Apparently, anyone can say anything they want about anybody anymore- whether it's harmful to your character or not. What crap. If I had the time, I would dedicate an entire website to her and post solely lies. Even pass out flyers. Too bad I have a life...
Anyways, we're currently using a lawyer for a different reason- (Yeah!) -and waiting for her to try and ignore these papers. (Which she can't.) I would laugh soooo hard if she did!
Thanks for your concern...glad things are looking up finally!
"Oh, b.t.w., stepmom also
"Oh, b.t.w., stepmom also has mental issues"
...meaning YOU have mental issues? I'm going to assume you meant the biomom.
How long have you been a stepmother to the kids? How often does husband deploy? What is the custody arrangement? Does Biomom live close?
A little more background would help. I'm sure someone on can give you some advice.
Yes- my bad. BM has mental
Yes- my bad. BM has mental issues. It's already been a long day. Biomom is close by. Which causes probs. Hubby deploys often- on 4th deployment. I've basically been a stepmom for about 5 years. She has full custody and I have no rights. She plays games with pick-ups and drop-offs. Kids play games since Dad is away- lying is their favorite. I feel very alone in this situation. Any advice from anybody out there?
Military Stepmom! My SD
Military Stepmom! My SD lives with me, while her dad travels for work - for months at a time. BM has an undiagnosed personality disorder. SD's therapist and another counselor I have talked to think BM is histrionic, while DH and I think she shows more narcissistic tendencies.
You may want to check out some of my past blogs / posts and then let me know if you have any questions.
Best of luck!!
** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Thanks, Stick! We're
Thanks, Stick! We're actually trying to get the kids into therapy, but the BM won't sign the paperwork. What a piece of work! She must really love her kids, huh.... My hubby has even tried emailing a request that she stop putting the kids in the middle and communicate via email in a timely manner and she won't reply... Someone deserves the worst mother of the year award...
You really need to call your
You really need to call your attorney and see what your options are. Document everything and ask your attorney if they'll look at your documentation. Perhaps your husband's family would consider seeking visitation. Many grandparents get court-ordered visitation when the parent(s) won't let them see their grandkids.
Why does BM have to sign the
Why does BM have to sign the paperwork? Isn't the father enough to sign them up? Yeah, when a BM is too concerned with how it looks it just shows that she doesn't care about her kids.. she only cares about herself. If she didn't have anything to be afraid of, she would just get the kids into therapy. After all, it's in THEIR best interest, right??
UGH>...
You may need to at least threaten her with contacting an attorney. If your BM is anything like ours over here, then she won't want to spend the money to fight it, and the possibility that it could come out in public that she is fighting getting her own kids help could be enough to scare her into compliance.
Once you have a therapist on board, your job in getting what's right for the skids will be easier, because she won't be able to contradict the therapist on what is best.
At least, that's how it worked for us.
Again - please don't hesitate to contact me.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Thanks for the
Thanks for the advice...we've already contacted an attorney on a couple different matters- her posting lies about me on facebook that could cost me my job, her not notifying us about moving- it's been a total nightmare since my hubby deployed...I think both her and the kids think they can get away with things since he's gone...
We've already sent over paperwork from the lawyer and she called the lawyer, yelling inappropriate things at her, and said she would go to court with us and it would get ugly. We don't want to put the kids through that, but then again we're at our rope's end. I don't know...I didn't realize you could go to a lawyer if she won't sign paperwork about therapy...we may have to contact our lawyer again...
I think the attorney can
I think the attorney can appeal to the court for a guardian ad litem for the kids. And then the guardian would determine if they need therapy. But in any event, I don't think it would look good to the court that BM is refusing to get her kids help. What does she have to hide? I would just ask your attorney how to proceed. Best of luck!!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Military Stepmom, You are
Military Stepmom,
You are not alone.
I have gone through it too.
Believe it or not, as of 2007, 65% of military families are "blended".
More like a nuclear explosion sometimes ,,,
This is the worst time and you will feel like your marriage is being tested.
After all, why are YOU taking care of someone else's kids right?
You ARE kind of being tested I guess because why would you do it unless you love HIM?
At the end of the day, that's why.
So you have to pick your place and prioritize your feelings - #1 is you, #2 is him, #3 kids and so on ... or however you feel.
But more than anything, have him get you a SPECIFIC POA to address the skids so you have a little bit of support while he is gone. Even if he is deployed most FOBs are close to an installation with a legal office (unless he is SF in which case those guys go everywhere).
You can't take legal action while he is gone due to the inability to report to court (although some states allow a little bit of action such as file for separation) but you can save some of that combat tax exclusion pay and family separation pay to pay for a decent lawyer to amend the custody papers when he gets back.
Hope you find some peace.
"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln
Oh and the legal assistance
Oh and the legal assistance office on your installation can provide the free POA as well as free guidance ... but no free lawyers.
"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln
Thanks, Cactus30...I do have
Thanks, Cactus30...I do have POA- general and specific. Hubby decided to wait until he gets back- not long now- to approach the BM in person about therapy for the kids, so if we do take it to court, there aren't anymore excuses like "oh- he was deployed and I didn't think about dealing with it now" or "I lost the paperwork in the move" (they're moving for the umpteenth time across town) or "I can't read English and didn't understand it" (she's also from another country). I swear my head will pop if she uses one more excuse as to why she does not have to act like a good mother.
You are right, too. This was a MAJOR test this deployment. And a MAJOR learning experience. Throughout this deployment, she has made every move she can to try and make my life hell. I have NO idea why she cares about me- she is remarried with another kid from Daddy #3. Hubby and I started dating AFTER they divorced. Even met after they divorced. I have absolutely nothing to do with her, other than her kids....Some people just need to get a life. This deployment (not the first one, either) I realized I need to take care of me, Hubby, then the kids. Up until now, it was not that order. Especially the placement of me. If there's another deployment, it's already been decided I am NOT taking the kids, due to their behavior and mostly BM's. I do not wish for a repeat of these past 6 months.
Hi Hun Me and my partner
Hi Hun
Me and my partner put off court for ages trying to do what was best for everyone but eventually we had no choice but so far it has paid off. Dont get me wrong she is still a pain in the arse but theres certain things she just cant get away with now and the things she does which is wrong are easier to cope with and I am sure that the kids will grow up and rememeber what she did and not thatnk her for it.
What I would say is although it is hard going to court and it costs alot of money and at times while court etc is going through can make the bm to be at her worst in the long run it does pay of as she knows you are serious and will not be threatened by her.
Whilst if you leave it she will think you wont go to court because of her threats and she will continue to do what she is doing or could get worse.
So I need some opinions on
So I need some opinions on this one...a few months ago BM posted some very horrendous lies about me online and and I tried to go legal with it, but BM wouldn't sign the paperwork. Due to this, I stopped picking up the skids (it involved the skids- who told her the truth and she still wouldn't sign anything) Now that BF is returning from deployment, I asked if he was going to tell the skids about it and he said no. So now she gets away with one more thing and is probably seen in their eyes as a wonderful mother who cares about them and I am the mean SM. I can't win!!!!! Any opinions? Skids are teens, so they would be old enough to hear about it....
Most people wouldn't admit
Most people wouldn't admit to harassment or slandering...lol BM isn't any different. Why would she sign anything incriminating herself? File a police report instead. And keep and continue the documentation.
I'm going to have to side with your DH...the children shouldn't know about this. It make them feel like their bad too (being a product of whathaveyou) and/or backfire and make them more fiercely loyal to the less-than-stellar parent. They'll want to protect the one who's being "bashed" in their eyes. Instead, be just as wonderful as BM perceives herself to be. One day she'll do something she won't be able to hide from the kids. The blame will fall on the right person...just give'm enough rope and they'll do it themselves.
I do believe DH should be sympathetic to what you're dealing with. I hope he tore BM a new one for you. She's sounds like a piece of work. NOt to mention you raising these children when he deployed. That's way above and beyond what a usual step-parent does. You deserve a spa-day
I think since their teens
I think since their teens and if they bring up the subject, i think you speak with them. Since it involved you and they're old enough, there is nothing wrong with you speakign with them. You can tell your bf you intend to sit with his kids and bring it up.
When he gets deployed...the kids dont stay with you period.
As for court, if you have the money and she is slandering you, i would sue her. Dont worry about the kids. They are old enough
I just spend last weekend basically telling my sd how her mother is and and how she's been for the last ten years. She agreed with me...she cna't deny her mother behaviour, she was witness to many of her outbursts and unappropriate behaviour. I sent a legal letter basiccally warning bm ot shut her mother about me and her kids. ANy further slandering i 'll take her to court. She never bothered me again.
Honestly, if bm has mental issues....it may be a waste of money for you. Because even if your win in court, since she is mental, she will likely continue. I would basically shut her out and her kids when your bf deploys and when he comes back have no contact with her or involvement...
Bm's who are insecure or have issues will always lie. By saying nothing about them...and letting them dig their own pit is the best thing to do...cause in the long run , the kids growing up see what there mom is and start puttihng her in her place.
Thanks for the advice...I
Thanks for the advice...I already let BF know that I am no longer going anywhere near that BM's house...not for pick-ups or anything. He will be doing all of that from here on out. I do not need to put myself in the situation where I am anywhere near BM after the slanderous lies she posted about me. What a POS. (I hope that acronym is okay....;-) ) I just can't wait until 4/5 more years when BM is (kind of) out of our lives. I hope I last that long in the relationship...I tell ya what. Without support from BF it's going to be a bumpy ride...
...bad day...
...bad day...
You are welcome! My
You are welcome!
My husband has returned safe and healthy. Thank the Lord.
Unfortunately, I tried the lawyer route, sending an affidavit, etc. She ignored it until the last day that she legally could, then called and swore and yelled at my lawyer. (Typical.) Then she said that we wouldn't have a chance in court due to freedom of speech. My lawyer said she was slightly right. That it would be extremely hard to settle this in court due to Freedom of Speech. Isn't that bull?! Apparently, anyone can say anything they want about anybody anymore- whether it's harmful to your character or not. What crap. If I had the time, I would dedicate an entire website to her and post solely lies. Even pass out flyers. Too bad I have a life...
Anyways, we're currently using a lawyer for a different reason- (Yeah!) -and waiting for her to try and ignore these papers. (Which she can't.) I would laugh soooo hard if she did!
Thanks for your concern...glad things are looking up finally!