Just joining the ranks of blended family
We have been together since May of 2006. My children were 5 1/2 almost 6 and 3. Their father was a situation in and of himself but March 17, 2008 he died in a terrible accident so he is no longer an issue. (please don't take that as harsh as it sounds it is a REALLY long story).
At the time we got together we lived together for a few months while I was waiting for my apartment to become available (which happened in Sept of 06). He was newly divorced but they had been separated and dealing with the paperwork for two years previous to me meeting him. She cheated on him not once but twice and her boys are all aware of what happened. They have caught her in bed with lesbian friends, know about her PFA against their dad and on and on and on...... Nothing about this is secret from any of the step-kids. We lived separately with weekends spent together here and there until he proposed and a few months before the wedding we moved in together, in order to get the children moved to their new school.
We just got married May 1st of this year. His children and mine were all in the wedding. Mine as flower girl and ring bearer and his as his best men. His oldest even gave this wonderful toast. But 6 months before the wedding was really stressful and finding out later it was his oldest that was manipulating fights trying to keep it from happening. He admitted to it all in a family meeting.
In June his oldest turned 18 and he had a bonfire party at the house. We sat down with him and made it clear there was to be no alcohol at the party and why (meaning what legal charges WE could face not to mention the minor children being removed etc.). Long story short he brought alcohol in and he police showed up and while I went inside to bring the dogs in, he tried to have me arrested twice by first claiming it was mine, and then saying I was allowing them to drink. This is when it all started to get ugly.............
He was then open warfare
He was then open warfare since he was legal. He demanded to go out with a friend the night after and his dad said no since you tried to chuck the whole family under the bus last night, you are grounded till you go to college. He moved out that day.
He was going to be playing football for a great university starting as a freshman as halfback and all he was short was 1400.00 in tuition. He has $500 given to him in May by a well meaning Aunt who was manipulated by his poor-mouthing. He worked all summer on the Obama work-force program for youths which was guaranteed tax free money. He manipulated at least a thousand dollars from us and who knows how much from his grandpa before everyone started to compare notes. He even called us "repentant" and "crying" the last time begging for help.
Next thing we know he ditches the car his papaw bought him he was supposed to pay him back for, his family, his friends, chance at school and weasels money out of the crazy ex for a bus ticket to go live with her. And before his "quick fake reconciliation" with her the all HATED her and would NEVER ever talk to her........hmmmmmmmm. So halfway to Arizona (which btw is where she lived this whole story and we live on the other side of the US this whole story) he "loses" his ticket and she has to buy him a new one. We know he turned it in for money and had her buy another but good luck telling anyone elses that.........
“Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention.”
Then after we get married
Then after we get married his ex starts doing little underhanded things to "hold connection" with my husband. Like referring in the CS payments with little notes about nicknames they talked about using for the kids when they were pregnant, or writing a note to the boys and waaaaaayyyyyy down at the bottom writing I miss you. Or how she hyphenated MY HUSBAND'S name with her new husband's name............she is freakin NUTZ!!
So I laid down the law and told her she wasn't friends with my husband. STop asking about his personal life, his doctor visits, his health etc, you have a business relationship as far as the kids go and anything other than that will be considered harassment and since then she has laid off. But she must have run crying to the SS18 because he has gotten nastier.
He is using his brothers to break peace between everyone and with six people in the house that makes life miserable. I say we can do a LOT more to cut out the oldest from influencing his brothers and my husband says we would only make it a forbidden fruit......
He set up a picture with his mother just to torment us. We lost the twins for Christmas to the ex and she took the whole two week vacation. They go back to scool the day after they come back and she made sure they wouldn't get here till midnight. Well one of the boys was watching tv in her room and fell asleep. The ex climbed in next to him so it looks like they were all snuggled up and SS18 snaps the photo and sends us a text look at your boy all cozy with the enemy and of course that started us fighting...........at Christmas time too nonetheless.
And of course fighting to make something happen only makes ME look like the enemy. He digs in to protect his kids and it always ends up being my fault even though I feel it isn't too much to ask for respect and truth from a pair of 15 year olds. He seems to expect it from mine and they are only 10 and 6. Something has to give and it can't be me, for the sake of my kids.
I could go on and on but that is the bare bones of the major stuff right now. It gets wilder the deeper we go into the rabbit hole though. Hang on, it will be a ride.
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“Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention.”
Im seriously gonna blow my
Im seriously gonna blow my top. I just found out from my SS15 gf that there is a winter formal they have known about for the last three months. She is telling me she is gonna buy his tie and he needs grey slacks. Okay so again no info till last minute from the boys, they are gonna expect us to run and get slacks and shoes for this and she shouldn't be buying a tie for him anyways that is his responsiblity. He NEVER spends his money so no corsage or anything special for her and my husband just doesn't want to talk about it because they aren't here to personally speak up.
Frankly I think at 15 they have TOO MUCH say.
“Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention.”
Trying to Blend - This is
Trying to Blend - This is probably going to be the hardest thing you can ever do... but if you can try, I think it will help.
Your SS 18 has power right now because his antics are working. He's pissing you off. He's pitting you against his father. He's even admitted it.
So, my advice to you and my opinion would be to take the power back. Look at that kid for what he is ... a troubled, misinformed, spoiled son who is trying to manipulate a situation to his liking. Don't let him.
Laugh at him! When he sends you a text like that.... Of course, I understand the anger... but laugh at him, and text him back and say "ohh how cute!!" Get your husband on your "side". And the way to do that is to take whatever sh*t SS18 throws at you and deflect it. Laugh at it. Throw it right back at 'em. Always stay truthful and call him on his behavior and don't waver. He needs to grow up and is throwing the temper tantrum of a 5 year old in an 18 year old's body. Treat him as if he were 5. You know how it is. You feed into a 5 year old's tantrum and they keep it up. You look at them like they are crazy and eventually, they get they are being dumb!
As far as the 15 year old needing pants, that I am sorry to say, is somewhat normal teenage behavior. I have a 16 year old over here that does that all the time. I finally got a message through to her though by pointing out that that is learned behavior that she got from her mom. And she doesn't like it when her mom does it to her. So why should DH or I like it any better when she pulls it on us? You just have to find out what it is that gets through to them, to make them stop that behavior.
Best of luck. You are in the right place. But please don't let the 18 year old spoil your feelings towards the 2 15 yo SS's.
** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Stick - Kind of like
Stick - Kind of like kill-em-with-kindness?? And thank you for giving me a good idea of "regular" teenage behavior. I joined this family when all his were teens and mine are only 9 and 6 so I'm missing a lot of in between parenting info to help me out.
I try really hard to not let it affect the way I feel and act towards the twinSS15, but how do you do it when they are willingly allowing themselves to continue to be manipulated by BM and SS18?
“Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention.”
Trying... I think it's a
Trying... I think it's a blend of "kill-em-with-kindness" mixed in with "don't-take-any-crap" sort of attitude. For example... I really think that with that text the whole thing about "the enemy" was just trying to get your goat. So, by ignoring it, or next time saying "Your mom is not my enemy, she's not my friend, but she's not my enemy...." you can sort of diffuse his intentions. He's trying to get a rise out of you. You know how sometimes one person stays calm and the other just gets angrier and angrier until they implode? I'd like to see if you can be the one who just stays calm, until SS18 wears himself out.!!
As far as the twins, I don't think they are "willingly" allowing themselves to be manipulated. I think they are confused. I think that there is a bond between mother and child and siblings, and yet, they look at you and all you bring to their life. So I think that as much as they don't want to listen to BM or SS18, they can't help it - out of supposed loyalties, or hearing about family bonds, or whatever.
We sort of had that over here with BM. She, and her family, kept telling SD how much money we made and how poor BM herself was struggling, etc. etc. Finally, we just pulled SD aside - at around 14 years old - and said, we can't let this go on any more. We don't want you to feel in the middle, but we are afraid that if we don't speak up, you will believe all of the things you are hearing from that one "side". So here's what we think / feel / view as the facts and you can make your own decisions on the situation. Just know that you can always ask us anything and we will try to answer as truthfully as possible. And then, give both sides as you see it. And if you feel that BM or SS18 has any validity, be sure to acknowledge that, so that they can see that you are not just giving a 1-sided argument.
Your twins are now old enough to hear more of the truth. It's just very very hard not to "trash" BM while giving it. That's what I struggle with all the time. But it gets easier. And I think if you show them that you know what's going on and what's being said, and your point of view, it will help them come to a better decision. Just make sure when you give them your POV, it's from a little bit of the higher road. Does that make sense?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***