17 yr old SD thinks she's "all that"-and I don't
H and I have been married 5 months-dated for a number of years. He works out of state and is here only on weekends-his daughters live 30 miles from here w/their mother. The house belongs to my parents, and I raised my youngest son, now grown, here the last 2 yrs of high school. I lived here for the last 10 years.
The issue? His 17 yr old daughter. His youngest and I get along fine-she's 13, and very sweet. But the 17 yr old is rude, insolent, bossy and selfish. And thinks she's "entitled". When H and I got married, I basically gave her my car (she had to pay something for it, but very little) when we bought a new one. It wasn't good enough. It's an older car, but I had it painted two years ago, and it has low miles for its age-dependable, good gas mileage. But it wasn't good enough for her as she thinks she should have her fathers mustang, which was taken away from her because she damaged it. This girl shows up this weekend-and the car has been keyed. Just like the mustang had holes shot in it when she had it. She got a new rocker cell phone (from her Dad) 3 months ago-she broke it. She's a senior, so she wants a class ring, wants senior announcements with a memory book, wants her senior pictures (RIGHT NOW)-they've been taken, but she wants the package NOW-we just repaired the muffler on her car, she wants contacts-...in other words, she wants-car painted,new glimmer cell phone, contacts, pictures, announcements, ring, ALL IN ONE MONTH.
We are not wealthy-in fact, my husband works away because we need the money to play catch up on past bills. But this girl has the gal to show up demanding everything for herself. I know we need to pay for her announcements, and we are getting her senior pics, just in a few months.
When she and her sister came to spend the weekend, we cooked what they wanted. Went out and bought the game she wanted to play, took them out for lunch. I fixed her favorite snack for her. But after cooking supper and doing the dishes, I walk into the living room, and she's sprawled out the couch, so her sister has to sit on the floor, H is in the easy chair. I just kind of walked around for a bit, waiting to see if he would have her sit up so there would be room on the couch for me (or her sister). Nope. So I told H he needed to tell her that if she wants to lay down, she should go to bed, so her sister and I could sit on the couch. He got mad! Here I am, in my own living room, and can't even sit down to watch tv, because this spoiled brat hasn't the manners to even sit up, and H won't do anything about it. This has been going on all summer. She comes over here, turns on the air conditioner (leaving all the windows open) doesn't say hello, drop dead, anything to me. Just demands to know where her father is if he isn't in the house. She shows up half dressed, and drapes herself all over her father, like she hasn't seen him in years. He was lying down in our bedroom Friday nite, and she goes in and lays down on my side of the bed, next to him, just like it's her own. And he says not a word. Even a short trip in the car is in her control. She leans up from the backset & sets the air conditioner or radio to What She Wants. He says nothing.
I'm just about to the end of my rope over this spoiled brat. She treats her sister like crap, and acts as tho this is her house and I am here to serve her. Any one out there going thur similar? Or has gone thru it and successfully handled it? I'm sick of him letting her get away with her goddess act. She has been arrested for shoplifting, he's found wine bottles in her car, her boyfriend (16 yrs old) showers at her mothers house, changes his clothes there, (she even let it slip that the boyfriend pulls the sheets over her head when he farts in bed) so evidently he sleeps there with her too. But she blames everything she gets caught doing on her friends, and H just lets her get away with it.
Honestly, I am just about to call it quits over this - I'm not willing to put up with it for the rest of my life. And if I try to correct her, he sides with her. I'm fed up.
Information
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
I have raised two bio-children to adulthood and now have a 16 year old (spoiled) SS-so I am not stranger to teenagers.
Here is an exerpt from an article I came across -might be too soon for you-but may be helpful-or just plain interesting.
"We all know how trying the teenage years can be and how every teenager thinks that they know it all and their parents don't know anything and the step-parents know even less. That is when the power struggles begin, the lack of respect, and the alienation tactics can start wearing a step-mom. You have tried it all and done it all and things were going good, and suddenly it seems like none of that matters and you are now a convenient doormat, a scape goat, a laundry service, a cook, and otherwise glorified babysitter for an ungrateful child that has no clue how to treat someone that has done nothing but love and care for them and try to teach them right from wrong. That is when you have to decide to disengage.
I decided to disengage when I realized that my step-daughter did not care or respect what I said. When she decided that she could lie and manipulate people just to get her way and I became one of her targets, that is when I stepped back and said that I have been enabling her father and her for far too long. She had not only disrespected me, she disrespected her dad and continues to do so, and she basically showed no compassion for her half siblings and treated them in such a manner that I could not even fathom having ever treated any of my brothers the way she treated her brothers. For the first time I came to the conclusion that if this continued not only would I be paying the price but so would everyone else in our home.
It was as though I had an epiphany. I realized by allowing this behavior and by trying to be the go between I was only prolonging the inevitable, the fact that my step-daughter and her dad had to deal with one another and they had to figure out what was best for them to have a relationship. I told my husband that I was no longer going to be involved. I tried to be and I was the go between for him and his daughter for too long and I made all the arrangements with the biological mom in order to make it easier on everyone because they did not like to deal with one another, but that should not have been my job. I just stepped in and let my mother's instinct kick in and I ran with it.
I disengaged myself from the situation but I have to admit I still do ask questions and try to stay informed but only through my husband. He is now the sole individual responsible for contacting the biological mom and making arrangements and making decisions regarding his daughter. When other relatives ask about my step daughter, I tell them to speak with her father because he deals with all of the decisions regarding her now. I know I may sound like I am being harsh, but that is how it has to be because of all that has happened. I will not be the blame, the excuse, the scape goat, or the doormat anymore. This is a tough way for some children to learn, but it is sometimes the only way. I have always tried to teach my children to treat others the way you want to be treated and if that is not how they are being raised at their other home, then sometimes disengaging is the only way a step-mom can maintain her sanity and hope to make an impact on her step-child by not being a part of the games they are playing.
Making the choice to disengage as a step-mom can be very difficult. It may seem like you are giving up on the child, but if the child is not going to give you the respect you deserve as a parent and is going to continue to manipulate and disrupt your family it may be the only choice available. Disengaging, gives you a chance to save your sanity and allows you to focus on the rest of your family. Sometimes you have to choose what is best for the family as a whole and not just one child and all you can hope is that it will make a positive impact on the child and they will realize the difference between right and wrong".
Maybe next time get Dad to fix her favourite snacks when she comes over!!
Thanks
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
I won't be making the mistake of fixing anything special, or doing anything extra for her again. The car not being good enough for her was bad enough-I raised by sons alone, and could never have afforded to do such a thing for them, so I really thought I was putting forth something special for her. Never again.
I'm not trying to raise her-at 17, she's pretty much grown. She's no innocent child-she's a young adult, who has gotten her way all her life; treats her mom like garbage, by the way.
All I want from her is that she be decent when she's in my home. I will not have a 17 yr old brat come into my house and take over. So, no, you don't sound harsh. I probably do. But honestly, when she comes into my home and starts telling me what to do, that's it.
I hear you
I was in the same situation last year with an SD24 who moved into my home when her dad and I got married after 6 years of dating and living in seperate homes.
Looking back at the nightmare, I realize now that it was a power play on her part. SD24 was going to take her selfishness and abuse of our family as far as we would allow her. She saw herself as the alpha female in her father's life, and she was ready to defend her position to the end. My kindness was misconstrued as weakness. Her dad's silence (aka "guilt parenting")was misconstrued as permission to keep acting like an entitled pig.
So I disengaged. I started calling everything as it was--no sugar coating. No more walking around on tiptoes in my own home! When we met in the hall, I made her move aside for me--not the other way around (subtle, but it works). In short, I became a mean bean. If her dad was not going to parent his own adult brat, then I stepped in. My house, my rules. If she didn't like my rules, she could move on. So could he.
No yelling. No screaming. Just a statment of the consequences of her actions and then quiet follow-through. If she was taking up the entire couch, I politely but firmly told her to move aside or go to her room. If she hogged the TV, I told her that I would be watching my shows in 15 minutes. If she rolled her eyes at me, I asked her (loudly)," Why are you roling your eyes? No, really. I want to know. Is something in your eye? Are you trying to make a point? No, really, tell me. Are you ignoring me now? Why? Did I do something to offend you?" You get the idea. This took some guts on my part because I was not normally this forward, but I gritted my teeth and got through it.
Oh, she HATED me! Still does. The good news is that she avoided me like the plague and is now out of our home.
So get ready to be hated when you take back control of your home. Get ready for the power games. Get ready for your husband to tell you to stand down. Get ready for SD to try to manipulate her father right out of your house. Get ready for a rocky road, but remember that living as you are now is NOT an option anymore.
Good luck from a survivor!
Disengaging is key
And it's difficult, at first, especially for most mothers, whose primary instinct is to nurture. But sometimes, you have to take this stand in order to preserve your sanity.
What Endora described from her article, and what Sarah described with her SD24 is exactly what I have done with my SD16. And at first, it was terribly difficult for me. And even harder for my DH to watch me do. But I was determined. And, with time, it has gotten a lot easier.
Unfortunately, her behavior has not changed. She is the same selfish, awful, manipulative, lying, child that she has always been. However, I do not get "sucked into" her drama-filled world anymore. And she never DARES to disrespect me. In fact, I think she's terrified of me, which is ok in my book. I'm never disrespectful or unkind to her, but she knows she cannot be disrespectful to me.
But it's funny, she's nasty and awful to everyone else- her dad, her mom, her sisters, grandparents, etc. - but never to me.
Gee- I wonder why????
(No I really don't)- I know why!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Your suggestions are being taken to heart...H will be mad...
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
H will be mad because this child is his darling. For example, both SD's came for the weekend; I get along fine with the younger one. But when he arranged for them to come, he asked sd17 what she wanted to eat. Bought and prepared her selection. Not one word to the youngest. Or me, for that matter. He used to own a steakhouse and is a very good chef. But when it's him and me, I prepare the meals. But he'll sure cook up and storm and spend the extra money it takes to please her palate. (not that I wanted to cook for her-as it was I ended up having to cook up HER favorite snack, not the youngest Sd's, again. Because what he brought home from the store was what oldest SD likes and the he*l with the rest of us).
Then before they got here, he got the candle (my favorite-romance candle, if you will) out of our bedroom and lit it in anticipation of his darling showing up. Now, there are plenty of candles already in the living room. I asked him to use one of those...but, no, this one is his favorite. He's never even lit it for the two of us, I always do. He was acting like a man getting ready for a date!
I had purchased a game for all of us to play over the weekend-SD17 didn't want to play that game. She wanted a different one. So off he goes to fill his queens desire. Again, he didn't ask youngest SD what she liked. Not one word. This happens all the time. If we go pick them up in the town they live in and take them out to eat, he asks SD17 where she would like to eat. He doesn't ask me, he doesn't ask youngest SD. Always SD17. I've watched him pile on the cash for her. It's always something. But the youngest just gets a few dollars thrown her way now and again.
So, as you can see, he has acted as tho this girl is above us all. And if I say anything, he gets mad. So I'll be going up against both of them. alone. Wish me luck.
Wow...
And I thought my DH's relationship with HIS PRINCESS was disturbing. Bewitched, unfortunately your story brings it to a whole new level.
But I would STILL consider the disengaging at this point, regardless of if it makes him mad. Obviously he's not considering YOUR feelings in this whole thing. His view is totally warped when it comes to his precious SD17.
There was one point a few months ago with my DH when things got so bad, that I finally had enough with his screwed up relationship with his SD16. He had a really bad week at work. It was our quiet weekend without any kids. So I cleaned the whole house, put on the fireplace, lit his favorite "Yankee Candles" and had his favorite dinner waiting for him when he got home from work.
Everything was set for a nice relaxing, romantic dinner. We sat down, and literally 5 minutes into it, his cell rang. It was SD16. He doesn't say, "I'm in the middle of dinner with my wife, I'll have to call you back," or anything like that.
Instead he gets up from the table and takes the call! He leaves me and goes to her bedroom, apparently looking for something that "Princess" needs. But she's not sure where it is, so he's in there for 5-10-15 mintues, looking...
Finally, after my blood pressure startes to hit "stroke level" and I feel the tears in my eyes, I take my plate, dump it in the sink, grab my coat and keys, and leave.
After he realizes that I've left, he calls my cell, and now I'm the BAD GUY! He's totally perplexed as to why I left! Gee, dumbass, maybe because you totally dropped me like a hot potato because your precious Princess beckoned. Maybe because I'm only your wife until SHE CALLS. Maybe because you only put me first until SHE NEEDS you for some bullshit drama.
Oh yeah, PS- this is the same girl who totally treats you like garbage on a daily basis.
So I told him, before I come back, he better decide who he wants to be married to - me or his daughter. Because I refuse to be his second wife behind his daughter. It's warped and it's bordering on incestous and I'm not going to do it any longer.
Maybe you need to take that same stand.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Incestuous!
Five, in all the blogs I've read and shared with you, I really
think this term nails it on the head. It's almost TABOO to want
to say it, but as everyone on this blog is saying, as how I have
felt but was almost too ASHAMED to say it, I feel like I'm "sleeping with someone else's husband" sometimes, and of course I'm talking about his "girls" (who are grown women!!)
It IS the truth, tho, as awful as it sounds.
He discusses things with them behind my back, makes plans, things
that he should be doing with ME. (I'm talking about holiday plans, sports plans...I'll PM you about that one....gosh, now I'm ona roll myself). I'm really starting think that my "dis-
engaging" is turning into apathy, that I'm really close to having one foot out the door.
As I said on many sites here, I am going to Florida for Thanksgiving, and I really doubt I'll even call him or care
what he's doing. I'm so looking forward to a long, sunny weekend with my own daughter (one of her friends may be coming with us), it'll be sheer heaven.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
OMG--can't these guys SEE what they're doing?
OMG--I read Bewitched and 5's tales of terror and all I can think of is that this is a warning to all people reading this thread! What your read here is the end result of guilt parenting that leads to inappropriate boundaries between parents and kids. Fathers and their precious princess do-no-wrong daughters are particularly vile.
I often read about little hellions that are raised by guilt parenting all the time on this forum, and I always wish that they could fast-forward 5 years or so and see what the outcome will be. Not good! Please read the above posts very carefully--that's your fast-forward!
And the sad part about all this is that the princesses will be the ones who ultimately suffer. We stepmoms will survive because we have a grasp on reality. However the fathers who selfishly refuse to parent and who create the princesses make it so these girls can't engage in healthy relationships. They have no model to work from! If my unhappy 20-something ex-princess SDs are any indication, these girls will have a lifetime of frustration and bad relationships with men--men who want a wife, and not an angry, whiny, spoiled, entitled shrew who has no concept of decent interpersonal behavior or personal boundaries. Thank you, Daddy!
Wow--that rant felt good! But I meant every word that I wrote. I hope someone out there is listening.
Not Just SD's
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
I inherited my now SS 16 when he was 14 (been with DH for 3 years -married 7 months now)-I have raised two bio children so I am no stranger to parenting-however Zippy my SS has been guilt parented since the age of 4 by BOTH parents (one parent has now dropped him like a hot potato -he is too much like work now)-when I met my DH-he was running around like a chicken wiping this kid's butt-Zippy was thirteen, sprouting a mustache-I kid you not-sitting on Daddy's knee, sucking his thumb while Daddy was petting him! DH knew something was wrong with the picture but had NO clue what to do about it! He cut Zippy's meat, made his lunch, drove him everywhere (Bio-Mom was in on the gravy train too-after 8 years divorce he still did everything for her!)all I heard was Zippy this Zippy that-Zippy doesn't like this -Zippy only eats that, Zippy won't wear what you bought him (he did!)Zippy doesn't like the weather outside so won't do that blah blah blah-DH used to cut Zippy's favourite parts of a roast off the bone as Zippy doesn't eat meat that has been on bones(he got hungry enough with me around to aquire a taste for it!)-Zippy was his whole life!
Meanwhile Zippy moves in with us (Mom had enough with this overgrown toddler, and DH did not cater to her anymore)proceeds to take over the house (he has the best bedroom a FULLY finished games/tv room etc-but chose to follow us around 24/7-finally I blew a gasket!
"Zippy get your thumb out of your mouth, stop following me around and act like a 16 year old!"
I sat down with DH -we drafted house rules (I had to run around after DH to get him to make Zippy comply-(oh boo hoo Zippy thinks DH is a monster now!)
My DH is a wonderful guy with many redeeming qualities (why I married him) but clueless when it comes to kids-
I sat him down and said "You make a wonderful Father, but a Mother you are not-I suggest you be the best "Father" you can be-what if, God forbid you pass away and leave Zippy in this state(a 16 year old toddler) -"How will he fare in the world"? This world does not see Zippy as you do-heck I don't see Zippy as you do-they will eat him alive-is this what you want for your son's future-you will not always be around to fix things "(I know this first hand as my own mother died when I was 17)
I could see the wheels turning in DH head-it took awhile-it is not perfect but it is better-
Zippy runs when he sees me coming-no problem anymore!
You've all validated my feelings and the sick feelings
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
I am mentally preparing myself for the upcoming holidays. I dread them. Before I married this man, I looked forward to the holidays, my son coming home, Christmas shopping, all that. Not so this year. In fact I had a talk with my son about what goes on around here and told him that if she (SD17) acts, and is treated by her father, like she is the only one who matters when my son is here for the holidays, he's not expected to take it. He's a young man now, grown, and he won't. There will be hell to pay if this goes on. Son said he will tell H that this is not his house, and he can leave, with SD in tow, if they try pulling this crap around him. And he means it.
The sad thing is I've allowed myself to end up in this situation, and now, with the economy the way it is, and living in this dying small town, finding a job is going to be all but impossible. I worked in banks and insurance nearly all my life. H insisted I quit work when we married because he needed me to be able to travel to his work location in another state, and he didn't want me to be at work when he comes home. So I am totally financially dependent on him. Don't feel like I can leave here to a larger town where there is more opportunity as my folks are elderly and not in good health-I need to be here for them. I'm so angry at myself right now. And afraid, I have to admit. The sad fact is, H treats me as tho I am his servant, and a stupid one at that. Never saw it coming. When we were dating, he was always complementing me on my intelligence. Now I can't even cook supper without him telling me what pan to use. Do any of you work from home successfully? I'm not young, no college degree...very very worried about what the future holds now.
5teensathome and kittykat rang a lot of bells there
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
5teensathome-your husband interupted your dinner to go on his daughters "mission"? how familiar. Anytime H takes me anywhere, it's not just to two of us. We went to a ballgame this summer-what's he doing? Taking pictures on his cell phone and sending them to SD17. We took my dog (my best friend) to the mountains, near a little lake, lying there, supposedly romantice moment-he's taking photos on his cell, sending them to SD17. SD17 adores this dog of mine-she was going to her father's apartment for a week this summer, and he told her she could take my dog with her-without even asking me. I put my foot down there. This dog has been with me for 3 years-I've been married for 5 months. WTF?!!
And kittykat-makes plan behind your back? H was home this Thurs., took his D's to the dentist out of town Friday morning. I overheard him talking to youngest SD on the phone Thursday nite, saying he had asked SD17 if she wanted to come spend the nite here, but she had plan with friends. He never once mentioned it to me-and this is my home (rather, it belongs to my parents). Then Saturday nite he drives 30 miles to take his girls out for supper. I asked him today (Sunday) if he gave them any money, as I keep track of the expenses. Oh, he gave SD17 a check for $100.00, gave her dentist a check for $100.00, gave youngest SD $20.00, gave SD17 another $20.00, and took them out to a steakhouse for supper. All without even talking it over with me first. I am definately out of the loop with him...it's painfully obvious.
I can relate
My SD is also 17, moved in with us three months ago and back out again last night. I made it clear to DH she could not move back in again as this was discussed prior to her moving in in the first place. I have figured out she is sneaky and manipulative in a nice and low key way. Three months ago she didn't like that her mom was moving her boyfriend in with them so SD got ticked and moved in with us. While she was with us I observed: (1)DH bought SD her own special food so she did not have to eat with us - I do home cooking almost every night that tastes very good I might say, but no she is too good for that she had to have her special Danactive yogurt, energy bars, frozen dinners, lot of fruit she requested but never ate etc.. all this added lots of $$ on to the existing grocery list which did not suck in the first place, (2)DH did not require SD to have a job even though she only has school until 11:30 each day and is capable and DH would willingly hand over $$ for gas, eating out, clothes, movies, coffee shops or whatever the need was for the day, (3)DH allows SD 17 boyfriend (21) over at the house late at night, the latest being until 3:00 am - most times the curfew was 1:00 am on weekends, in her bedroom with the door shut causing noise while we're trying to sleep and DH afraid to say anything to them about it all the while DH not worried about what could be going on behind those doors because he trusts her?? (4) SD begged and pleaded for a puppy for weeks, threatened to move back with her mom, SD argued with DH over it and me the non-parent having to be the bad guy and not allowing it. I don't do dogs in the house - they belong outside. So now she has moved out, back in with her mom again, where she can do whatever she wants. Manipulative and konniving I think; always trying to get what she wants!!