What is a NCP responsible for paying for
Determining what support should cover and what it shouldn't- what to help with and what not to help with.
So here's a list of things that we have been asked to pay for:
Class rings (the ring was picked out- designed and there was no compromise as to what was acceptable). Also we weren't told that the skid wanted this special ring and was told skid was to come up with half. We were told how much the ring was and wanted us to pay half.
a car was given to skid by bm, after bm divorced we were asked to pay for hundreds of dollars of car repairs.
Senior pictures
College fees taken during high school
School supplies
college dorms, books, and living allowances
how about senior packages (grad announcements, etc) that were purchased by them, and then when the final payment is due we are asked for HALF the fee! This package was the deluxe package and included everything and was over 350.00
And let me tell you BM- I would be more apt to convince DH to help more if you didn't call him a rotten lousy ja of a dad when he did say no
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I probably should have added
I probably should have added I walk both as a sm and a bm for starters and this is something I have always struggled with for 10 years:
We have purchased underwear for both kids on a regular basis (regular being years- and mostly because I could throw away the socks with holes and replace them easy- or replace outgrown underwear, without it being too much of a problem for BM.
We used to purchase all clothes for our house, including play shoes and winter coats to keep their "school clothes" nice- and when they were done with a lengthy stay some of the extra clothes went home.
I bought an expensive pair of shoes for the start of school that skid wanted they went home- mom bought shoes and I never saw skid wear those shoes. When they came back here after skid outgrew them to pass down to DH side of the family- they still looked brand new. BM and Skid didn't care that my family did without to buy those shoes. It was a waste of my money.
I bought skid a book bag, after a few weeks there was a huge whole in the bottom- I was told by skid that I bought cheap stuff and BM will buy her a better one.
I bought clothes and was told that only fat kids like my dd wore that size
DH had a horse and skids wanted to start riding and showing horse. We bought more horses to accommodate, paid for the fees, the care, the clothing needed, as well as the riding lessons. Yet we dont support their activity. Show season is the summer, but the care is year around and is expensive. And just because they dropped out doesn't mean the care of those horses went away.
I don't expect my ex to help with anything but support and I have asked for extraordinary items. He has helped with braces, and yes the class ring- but dd called her bd and they actually designed and discussed the ring. It wasn't daddy open your wallet this is what I want. It was what do you think about me getting gold vs whatever.....And while she wanted the 400+ class ring she didn't get it.
And actually DH was assessed to pay about 70% of the cost of raising two children in their wage group....it is down now but the support isn't lower. She is making more money. So the support was quite a lot....and a fair amount to raise two kids. It was double what I got- and I thought mine was really fair.
I could have been her ally and instead she made me her enemy.
We drove used cars, she drove new ones. I have second hand furniture she has new. I work fulltime, Dh works fulltime. Support has never been missed even when DH was laid off.
In addition, when my exh bought something extra, I acknowledged it and thanked him.
But if BM makes the decisions without consulting I don't see that is our financial problem.
CS. That is it. If you
CS. That is it.
If you CHOOSE to contribute to the other stuff it is entirely and totally your call. It is not a requirement that you pay for anything beyond CS.
My SS's SpermIdiot never paid a dime of CS. SpermGrandMa paid the CS obligation that he idiot son owed for my son. Though we would have loved to nail their worthless asses to the wall for a bunch more money CS is what an NCP owes to support their non resident children. That is it. Anything more is either stipulated on the CO or entirely voluntary.
As for the car repairs for an 18yo. No. Unless prior request and only if you choose to.
The higher cost class ring. No. Unless prior request and only if you choose to.
Senior pictures. No. This is covered by CS.
College fees taken during high school. No. CS covers this.
School supplies. No. CS covers this.
college dorms, books, and living allowances. Only if you choose to.
How about senior packages (grad announcements, etc) that were purchased by them, and then when the final payment is due we are asked for HALF the fee! This package was the deluxe package and included everything and was over 350.00 No. CS covers this.
Participation in any additional expenses should be requested prior to the purchase. Period. If they do not ask you to participate prior to the expenditure the answer should be NO all the time, every time. You are not SS's and BM's ATM or beck and call bank.
All IMHO of course.
Rags is SPOT ON here (and
Rags is SPOT ON here (and keep in mind, he has been a CUSTODIAL StepDad for 18 years!) ^^^^^^^^This - ALL of it^^^^^^^^^^
This line is ESPECIALLY true and applicable to many, many BM's and skids:
"You are not SS's and BM's ATM or beck and call bank."
Thank you for your honest perspective, Rags. I have the utmost respect for you for replying in this fashion, considering you've been raising someone else's child for 18 years (and your wife was CS recipient from SpermGrandma).
Simply put CS$ paid from NCP to CP is specifically intended to be used to SUPPORT THE CHILD(REN). Meaning, whatever amounts it would have taken to raise the child(ren) if the bioparents' relationship stayed intact, the CS$ paid by NCP is to cover. No more.
Also, have these CP's forgotten that it is BOTH PARENTS OBLIGATION TO SUPPORT A CHILD THEY MADE?!? It seems that so many BM's out there seem to conveniently have a form of amnesia that they are to also use THEIR MONEY to raise the child(ren)!!! Not just the NCP's money.
As for a 50/50 custody situation (or even 60/40) - NO MONEY should be exchanged whatsoever between parents.
Support is to support a
Support is to support a child...the states claim that the amount that is taken out of NCPs pockets is because that is the amount these NCPs would have spent on their kids if they had lived in the same home...thus, it should include it ALL...period.
Yep, herewego, I agree with
Yep, herewego, I agree with you 100%.
As a matter of fact, I'll even take it 1 step further and state that the states' CS formulas/guidelines have the unintended effect (in MANY, but not all cases) of encouraging a CP BM to NOT WORK FULL-TIME to support her own children!! These amounts of CS$$ that are awarded are so ridiculously HIGH (especially in NY) that clearly, the CP is receiving amounts WAY OVER AND ABOVE the actual cost involved in raising that child!!!
Please, all of these BM's whining and complaining that the NCP (usually Dad) should contribute even MORE money than they are already obligated to pay in CS$$ need to GO TO WORK FULL-TIME and/or go to school to get an education that will lead to full-time, gainful employment!! Be accountable and responsible in life - and especially to the CHILDREN that you created!!!
Money doesn't grow on trees, ya know!!!
DH is on the hook for
DH is on the hook for "extracurricular activities" but he has to agree on them. Hasnt really come into play in the last few years b/c BM is too lazy to enroll them in anything. Her lastest thing now is field trips. SS10 goes on overnight, hundreds of dollars field trips! And she expects us to pay half! Nope! No order, no dice.
My dh will not pay for
My dh will not pay for anything above or beyond CS unless bm calls and discusses it with him first. Doesn't stop her form asking though. He tells her every time "if you had of called me and talked to me about this and we decide together I would be willing to pay for half" she then gets mad and says that is not going to happen. He then tells her that him paying is not going to happen.
Dh does pay for half of all co pays. But yes that is the best way to handle this stuff is to just tell bm that she needs to discuss it with him first and they agree what they should do together. that should his answer each and every time. It will either get her to start calling dh or stop asking! LOL
Child support is designed to
Child support is designed to pay for the cost of food, shelter and clothing for the child. Nothing more. All of those extras ARE extras. I agree that an NCP is not "responsible" for anything above Child support legally, but morally, I think that is wrong. Just because parents are divorced doesn't mean that dad gets to opt out as far as I'm concerned. I think that if dad was at home still he would be willing to fork out the cash for senior pictures and senior announcements. This is not about the BM. This is about his child. Because it is a split household, I would also expect mom to pay half of the extras.
Now, I agree that if it wasn't discussed with dad and a bill was presented, I wouldn't be inclined to pay it either. Instead of having these conversations with the BM, he should be having them with his kid. Obviously the kid is old enough if he/she is graduating high school. As a parent I would tell my kid that I won't be paying for anything unless it is discussed with me. The kid will do what has to be done and let mom know.
We all want our kids to succeed and to be able to do things that they would have been able to do had the family stayed intact. I know I do with my own girls as well as my husband's girls. As long as the parents are able to afford it, and it is agreed upon, there should be no problem.
However, if dad can't afford it, he should let the kid know that he can't afford it and that's why he's not contributing. In other words, I wouldn't go in hock to do it if I couldn't.
This is a touchy subject. And
This is a touchy subject. And we have faced this with my dh ex. She is verrry much into money. She even asked us to pay her gas for us to have a baptism of thier son closer to us or she wasnt going to and everyone including her family would have to travel closer. So we paid her gas money. (This has not happened since and we have stopped extra stuff).
We pay $530.00 a month in CS.
Plus 8-10 outfits a year 1 pair of shoes, two packages of socks and two packages of underwear. Plus four packages mailed to them with gifts or homemade treats for valentines, Birthdays, Halloween, Easter and Christmas. They live 450 miles away. So when BM asks for extra money, we simply respond that dicussion has to occur first. Then a decission is made together.
Which has never ocurred and she has stopped asking for money. Well other than when she sued us. Which was another joke.
So I would say CS is for those things. It does not...cost 530 dollars a month to raise a 11 and 8 year old. Plus when the kids are with us we still have to pay 1/2 the child support. Which causes a mess as well. The courts say she has to keep a home for them so she relys on that money. But what about thier home here? I do feel that our expenses go up considerably when they are here as we only see them 5-7 weeks a year. And 5 of those weeks are concurrent in the summer. Which is a large expense. We try to do things during that time and it costs more. I have learned to shop sales and save up for those 5 weeks. But with still paying child support is makes it tough. AND... BM complains when the summer comes as she has to give 1/2 back.
At least you get half back!
At least you get half back! My SSs live 1500 miles away so we see them in large time increments. Where we still pay 100% CS to BM during these times as well as any expenses we incur when they're here (food, heat, electricity, etc. etc.). I guess our state is too dumb to figure it out.