New member: when to introduce new partner?
Forums:
Hi Everyone,
I am new to this forum and am looking for some advice, thoughts, shared experiences.... (apologies for not knowing all the abbreviations / acronyms etc, by the way...)
I am separated from my wife and we have 2 young boys (4 and 2). I have a partner and, so far, she hasn't met my boys. I would love for her to meet them and get to know them and she would also, but she has no children of her own and finds the prospect very daunting in terms of how they will react and when the right time (if there ever is one?) would be...
Any advice / similar experiences / things to watch out for most welcome.
Thanks from a sunny South West England.
DrD
Three thoughts on this...
First, how long have you and your wife been separated and how much longer before the divorce is finalized? You don't want to separate from your spouse on Tuesday, then force a new partner on your kids on Wednesday. I have no idea what constitutes adequate time from separation to introducting a new partner, but that would be one consideration for me.
My second thought, though, is that the younger your children are, the easier it will be to make this transition. Younger children are much more adaptable.
Last thought would be your plans for this relationship. Are you planning on marrying your new partner? Is this a long-term, serious relationship or is it someone you are casually dating? If there's no long-term commitment in place, then I would wait until you are more certain about the longevity of the relationship.
Also, some folks might disagree with me on this, because it's your life and you have every right to live it however you choose, but I would consider talking to their mother about it and getting her opinion on when is the right time to introduce a new partner to the kids, because she either has or will have to make the same decision herself. It could go a long way towards promoting a good relationship with your children's mother if you consult her on this.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Your thoughts...
Thanks, Georgia. All good points. The divorce is still going through at the moment.
Yes, we do plan to marry eventually. She is going through divorce at the moment too. This is definitely a long term, serious relationship. I would never dream of introducing my kids to someone who was a casual fling!
I think my wife would say "never" if I asked her opinion on the matter...
I provided some thoughts
I provided some thoughts below. Appropos of those thoughts, I note that you call the STBX (soon to be ex) "your wife." I hope I'm not insulting here -- please read my thoughts below to understand this comment in context -- but in my opinion, as long as your brain processes the SBTX as 'your wife' you really cannot have a full and healthy tie to another. It's not just a legal term, which I found out the hard way. It's a symbol of an emotional attachment, no matter how negative those emotions might be. The word "wife" has power. I learned that after I married my DH and he started calling me his wife. It has power over his emotions, mine, and those of third parties.
Legally speaking...
She is still my wife legally-speaking. No other connotations meant. Really. I usually refer to her as my "estranged wife" actually.
i would have to say
as soon as possible (not meaning to be rude ) but if id have know what i do now no way would i have stuck around most of my issues tho are not the kids its the way BF is wiht the kids some examples of this are completely disregarding the way i feel in our home no bed time for kids no privacy for not just me but the both of us at any time the kids are down they are rude to every one that come into our home Bf says nothing thinks this is appropiate for children to feel like adults bare in mind they are 6 and 9 !
i also think it is very important to always show not only your kids affection when they are there but your paartner to to show the kids its serious and to make your GF feel important to
you need to sit down with your partner discuss bed times that suit you both ! diciplines! what you expect from her ! how she expects to be treated !
activities that are appropaite for getting to bed time my skids are allowed to be up screaming til bedtime this does not suit me and gives me a terrible head ache !
and never undermind your new partner infront of the kids if you disagree pull her to the side either later or where the kids can not here
sorry to waffle got a bit of a bitch going on then hope it helped tho
life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )
Thanks...
I enjoyed your waffle...:-) It was helpful, thanks.
I think
You should wait until the divorce is finalized, that way the kids can't get it into their heads that your new GF is the reason their parents split up.
Cajun Lady
"Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez"
Hmm...
...but do you think a 4 and 2 year old really process thoughts like that? Or do you mean later on?
Well
If not now, then eventually. Just take your time & make sure one door is closed before you open another. It's probably the healthiest thing to for everyone, adults included.
Cajun Lady
"Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez"
I disagree...
If this is serious, the earlier the better. Your partner will have a much better chance of developing a great relationship with the boys since they are only 2 and 4. Her comfort level and theirs will build quicker and in my opinion, that's the best thing. Don't delay!
my situation...
my FH has a daughter who will be 3 in august from a prior relationship. they were only together for a yr after the child was born. i met her at about 18 mos and she didnt know what was going on...she just knows me by my name. now that he and i live together and she visits, i think she gets that we are together bc she will tell him to kiss me and so on, but i dont think she makes the connection of her mom and dad ever being together.
i also agree w steppiemary (naturally) that their young age may work to yr and yr partners advantage. they will get used to her and grow up w her being around and they didnt have all taht much time w the 2 of u together.
but i think its all what u and yr partner are comfortable w. dont involve yr STBX wife bc its not her business and it will only make matters worse.
also, listen to the advice of others here who say that this may make BM go nuts... it happened to us and we are still suffering for it. i hope it works out better for u...
best of luck!
My feelings exactly....
I really don't want to involve my STBX in this discussion. In my view, it's between me and my partner to decide. I realise that she may "go nuts", as you say, but she already knows about my partner so I'm sure she is considering the possibility that my boys will meet her in the near future. I can't be responsible for the way she will react.
oh no youre completely rite
all im saying is our BM knew about me too and "was fine" until i got involved in her babys life. dont tell her u are wanting them to meet. she cant dictate who u can and cant be w.
I agree with Cajun
You should wait til both your divorces are final or at least you have a court date.
I met DH when he and BM were separated for 6 months, but the divorce wasn't final for a few more weeks. SD was 9, was not upset about the divorce in that BM could be violent when she and DH fought. So it was ok with SD that I met her, as she knew they already had a court date and everything was settled.
With children as young as yours (mine were 2 and 5 when my first marriage ended) I would give them even more time to process. They are likely not happy about you not living with mom. My ex started dating his now wife 2 weeks after the divorce was final, and moved her in three months later. She has 3 kids. That was too soon for her 5 year old son and my sons, five and two. I think they need time to adjust to the fact that you and mom are not together, before they are ready to meet their new family.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
I should add...
That my divorce, from the "I want one" declaration to the final court date, only took 5 months. I don't know how long yours is taking.
That's why I said it was too soon for my sons. A year and three months after their family split apart, they had a new stepmom marry their dad and three new sibs. THAT's pretty fast in my book.
I never said a word about it, but I can tell you that both my five year old son, and his 5 year old SB ended up repeating Kindergarten that year. I think it was just too overwhelming.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
Ugh, I hate to tell ou this but...
It really won't matter when you do this because when you do your life will probably change.
I had an as civil as possible uncontested divorce. My ex-wife was calm, cool, and collective. I even got my children more often than agreed upon. Life was good and we were both moving on. Then I met my now current fiance. My ex-wife went PSYCHOTIC!
I didn't know the things that I know now but here is what I have learned. Some women that are civil have a really hard time when you meet someone new. I have read stories of this happening even after 5 years or so. If you are the first one to meet somebody else it makes it worse. So even if your wife is super cool at the moment prepare for that to come to an end.
Start reading material on PAS (parental alienation syndrome). Be prepared for this to happen to your children. Ask yourself if your current girlfriend is worth the possibilty of going through PAS. I have three children and the oldest (12) is so poisoned against me that I no longer see her. It was a very painful thing to go through.
Introducing a new women to your children can lead to a very troubled road. You will definitely want to wait until your divorce is final and even then it might not make it much easier.
I hate to paint this glum picture for you. I love my fiance but if I had to hit the rewind button my children would never meet who I was dating and neither would my family or my ex-wife. I would have kept my reltionships as private as possible. Being alienated from your children by an unhappy angry parent is a horrible experience.
Am I happy? Yes, now, most of the time. Was it worth it? No.
"He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears" Proverbs 26:17
Sorry....
Hi Applecore,
Sorry you had such an awful experience. Thanks for sharing... Certainly food for thought.
Introduction...
I agree with Cajun Lady about waiting until the divorce is final for sure.
Since she does not have any kids I would be sure to find some social settings or situations where there are children around and she how she interacts with them. How well does she interact with other poeples' children? Can she talk to them on their level? Does she try to make any connections with them? This will all be very important information to have before you ever intorduce her to your children.
When you do feel it is time to introduce them be sure it happens on "neutral" ground. Do not do the intro in your home where the children feel it is their "territory". Make it in a neutral place where all parties can feel comfortable.
When my DH and I introduced my child to his children and I met his kids for the first time it was at a park where all of us felt comfortable and relaxed. We were able to interact with one another, but there were also enough other activities to do that none of us felt forced to sit and talk, etc. We also went for a walk around the park which was a nice way to get to know everyone.
Since your kids are so young they will adapt much more quickly than older children as they have not yet developed their own opinions about the split between you and their mother.
I wish you the best of luck, but I would make sure that first of all she really does like children, not just SAY that she does. Actions speak so much louder than words!!
Don't make me get my flying monkeys!!!
On that score....
Yes, she really is good with kids. We spend a lot of time with a mutual friend who has a 2 year-old daughter and my partner is lovely with her. She's also godmother to a number of her friends' children. Plus, she's a teacher... I have no worries on that score.
Thanks for your advice re. neutral ground. Very useful.
Hi DrD
In my own humble opinion...you have an advantage that your kids are still at a young age. My SK's were 15months and nearly 3 when I was first introduced to them (that is, being around them and their Dad)so my presence was that of an extended family member such as an Aunt.
The SK's and I have 'grown up' together...they are now 11 and nearly 13.
I believe it should be decided on you and your partner's comfort level and if your older child should question who she is, then tell her the truth in that she's your girlfriend.
If you plan to marry, they just as well know who she is now.
"SOME PEOPLE WEREN'T MEANT TO HAVE CHILDREN"
Sensitivity.....
Thanks, SteppieMary. I am very mindful of being sensitive to the feelings of my partner while at the same time being straight with my kids. I think they will be resilient so long as there is clear communication and structure.
well i still think you should do it soon as
maybe just as a friend or something but stil dont let them treat her liek rubbish !!!
life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )
I have a slightly different
I have a slightly different opinion based on personal experience. I think the reason to wait for a divorce isn't necessarily about the kids, it's about your relationship with your new partner. When my now DH and I started dating, he and his then-wife had been separated and living apart for 1.5 years, since his children were 1.5 and 2 respectively (so they were 3 and 4 at the time we started dating). He was "a couple of months" away from finalizing the divorce.
After we started dating, we waited for 8 months before I met the kids b/c we wanted to be sure it was a long-term relationship (so they were 3 and 5 by the time I met them). I have always been grateful we waited that 8 months, even though it was hard; I highly recommend the waiting period.
BUT the divorce was not finalized for another year -- nearly two years into our relationship. Oh, they weren't reconciling -- they were fighting about alimony and settlement and she kept switching lawyers -- and my DH is the WORST at finalizing anything, as I later came to find out. All legitimate reasons. BUT.
The problem with the pre-divorce relationship was not about introducing me to the children, it was about what the counselor called DH's emotional 'enmeshment' with the then-pending ex. NOT romantic, but a sort of default attachment. He could never give me my proper place in his life b/c he was still at his ex's beck and call "b/c of the kids". She was allowed to call when she wanted, manage his calendar, yell at him in public, and take all kinds of liberties that belong to a wife -- even though they disliked each other -- and to this day I believe he let her b/c she *was* his wife, even in name only. It was very subtle. He obviously loved me, not her. He obviously wanted to sever that tie with her. But she had this default grip on his emotions -- he associated her with the kids, see? And it did a lot of damage. The enmeshment began to subside about a year after the divorce, shortly before we got engaged (a year before we got married) . . . although there would be incidents from time to time. It's pretty much gone now, thank goodness, but it took YEARS. Looking back, I can see that it took that long for him to process the fact of the legal divorce in a way that allowed him to emotionally separate himself from his former life, and emotionally separate the ex from his kids.
The kids have never been affected by this timing (they are 8 and 10 now, and we have been married almost two years); in fact, we (and counselors) have remarked time and again how it helped them to make the change when they were so young. I had a counselor tell me the other day that he's never seen children so bonded to a stepmother. And their bio mother is a very constant, loving and nuturing presence in their lives.
However, DH and I are still suffering somewhat from the effects of the prior 'enmeshment' -- particularly, resentment and latent anger on my part. The enmeshment has all but disappeared, but the emotions have not. Getting over this is the most difficult thing about our marriage. It feels like he cheated on me, not physically, and even though the shared emotions between DH and BM were not tender or loving or even friendly most of the time. They were intimate. In my book, you can't have an intimate connection to two women at once when you are married to one of them.
Since your relationship is relatively 'young' you may still be in your 'honeymoon' phase where she is v. accepting of any obligations between you and your wife, and you feel like everything is in the proper place. During our 'honeymoon phase', things were great and I really rolled with all of it too. But this changes as the relationship moves from all those new love hormones to real life, and it became exceedingly painful.
In hindsight, our relationship would be much healthier today if I had waited for the legal divorce to be final, even though they were not still attached through 'love' or 'romance'. Being married means something, as it turns out, no matter how much the two people dislike each other or even feel apathy for each other.
In my book, the best thing to do is get the divorce over with -- hurry! and then get on with integrating a new partner with the kids. For your new partners' sake, though, not for the kids -- when it comes to kids, I think the younger they are, the easier the transition.
Extremely good point!
You especially don't want to bring someone new into the picture until you have everything nailed down like child custody, visitation, support, etc. and have court orders in place to protect the relationship between you and your children. These are definitely things you want to address before your ex is confronted with her children meeting and possibly forming an attachment to your new partner. In my case, my DH and I married almost four years after his first marriage ended, but his ex-wife still went off the deep end and started withholding visitation, suing for more child support, and just being downright hateful in general. He was protected somewhat by the court order guaranteeing him visitation, protecting him financially from "extras not covered by support" and that kind of thing. You want to have a legal leg to stand on, as in formal custody/visitation/support orders filed with the courts, in case she does react badly. If there's no court order preventing it, she can and may keep the kids from you in punishment.
And it's true of that bond, too. People can bond through many emotions, not just through love. Some ex-spouses are bonded so tightly through their mutual hate that it really can diminish their capacity to feel other emotions. If your ex hates you and your new partner more than she loves her own children, she can make your life (and theirs!) a living hell for years. You have to make sure your relationship with your ex is void of emotion, even negative emotion, to prevent her from being able to adversely impact your new life. I'd go one step further than Gwen and say that finalizing a divorce isn't always enough to break that bond. You have to completely let go of anger, animosity, and any other lingering emotions. If you can't speak to your ex like you would your plumber or the guy who rotates your tires, without investing emotionally in the conversation, then that's a sign that it's not time yet.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Wow, great post. I can
Wow, great post. I can relate to so much of what you have experienced. I also came into the picture before the legal divorce was over and done with, and like you, suffered because of it. Thanks for posting this.
What we did....
my b/f and i decided after 6 months of dating to introduce kids to me. if we had waited till the divorce was final it would have been years.....some divorces take forever depending on the situation.
I was introduced to kids as dads friend. Kids were then 6 and 10. It went well. Later we told them we were boyfriend/girlfriend. That was 2 years ago and they are excited that we are going to be married.
I think every situation is different. Maybe talking to kids first about their thoughts/feelings about someday mom or dad meeting someone
good luck!
well that would have been my soon
my BF never had much to do with the kids he used to pop up and see them every once in a while that was that this lasted about 2 and a half years of our relationship then all of a sudden started having them weekends and once during the week ! so i guess quicker than that would be fine hahaha he doenst quite understand that its hard for me to adjust to having 3 little brats in my home and just says you knew i had kids which fair enough i did but i didnt think things would change so suddenly
life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you )
Please
don't take this in a negative way, but you asked for opinions.
I am speaking of what I WOULD DO:
I would put my children first. My life would literally be relgated to making sure that the needs (and some "wants") of my kids were first priority. That would mean no dating, no men (visible ones anyway) until my kids were raised.
Secondly, please have your girlfriend do a lot of reading about step parenting. This site is a great place to learn! It is a very large order for a young childless woman to handle two very young children.
I wish you luck & hope that God guides you in your decision. The lives of your girlfriend & two young children depend on it.
Angel, do you mean that you
Angel, do you mean that you would never have a visible boyfriend as long as your children were under the age of 18?
ABSOLUTELY YES
Hell, I took it a step further-----I remained married to their father until the last one was EXACTLY TO THE DAY 18 because I didn't want the EOW thing for them. I wanted them EVERY WEEK so I COULD RAISE THEM. That was the most selfless thing I ever did but it paid off! My kids are emotionally sound!
I hope you don't think that
I hope you don't think that all children who have divorced/separated parents aren't emotionally sound. Because I know that raising emotionally healthy kids in a blended family/divorced parents setting is possible.
I am not criticizing you for what you did, but I think that most people feel that being an emotionally sound parent is the best thing for our children, and if that means getting out of a bad relationship, then so be it.
PinkPixie
im w ya here...i was alittle disturbed by the post u are referring to bc it seemed to imply that children arent emotionally sound unless raised by both biological parents in the same environment. while that may have been the best course of action for angel, i dont agree w it unilaterally. i also dont think that anyone should stay in an unhealthy relationship bc its "best for the kids". how is being around 2 parents who cant get along and dont love each other best? and i think there is alot to be said for being happy in your personal/married life...in fact, i think that helps the family dynamic when the parents love and support each other and are happy. not criticizing u angel, and im assuming there were other circumstances here that we dont know about that led to yr decision, but i just dont think its fair to say such things, esp when the majority of us are part of blended families trying to raise children the best we can.
Angel.....
I am the "adult child of parents who stayed 'for us" and I highly disagree. My sister and I both chose poorly, married young to escape a house absent of love, and filled with bitterness and contempt. I personally do not feel that people who stay "for the kids" really are doing that. My mom stayed out of insecurity, out of fear of change, out of putting her need to see us every day over our emotional well being...our needing to be free from being exposed to all that negativity...and our need to see our parents happy, fulfilled, either alone or with someone they really loved.
My sister and I both divorced. My brother's marriage (he waited til his mid thirties because he was so afraid of commitment) is iffy. They argue non-stop and are filled with sarcasm and contempt. JUST like the house I grew up in.
My sons on the other hand have seen me strong and independent. They have watched me be happy alone, then five years later find happiness in my second marriage. They LOVE their SM and Ssiblings at their dad's...well...like siblings do. When I have asked them how they feel about their dad and I not being together, or having two houses they both are adamant. "If you wouldn't have left....we wouldn't have SM....or SD....or ANNNA." That's the biggest one. They are so crazy about Anna that it crushes them to think she wouldn't be here.
I think if you really believe that your kids got all their emotional needs met, by either pretending you were happy with their dad, or them KNOWING you weren't....I think you may be fooling yourself.
As a child who was placed in that position (and I'm not talking an abusive home, just a miserable one where my parents lived parallel lives) feeling like my parents happiness fell on OUR shoulders...that they would be happier apart but stayed FOR US... was a heavy burden to bear. I never saw affection between my parents growing up. When I looked for a husband, I picked a hyper critical man just like my dad, and was turning into a resentful wife just like my mom when I decided to break that cycle.
It took me YEARS as an adult to realize that my father was not responsible for my mother's unhappiness. SHE was. She chose to stay.
Believe me, when I divorced and told her that my main reason was I didn't want to get to 60 and look back realizing that I never took a chance to be happy...that I stayed somewhere so I could blame my unhappiness on someone else holding me back, rather than go and take a risk to find happiness, my mom did not take that well. She went off about her sacrifice...about my lack of appreciation for it.
I never asked her to sacrifice her happiness for my supposed happiness. I wanted them to divorce from the time I was 8. My sister (7 years older than me) told me she was FIVE when she realized she didn't want him there.
Kids are smarter than adults sometimes.
I don't want to bash you...just help you understand. Kids are always better in a happy home, whether with both bio parents, or apart. I am the one who misses the kids when they are at their dad's. They do great about it. As my 11 yr old says, "It's just the way our lives are mom. I'm over it."
Ouch...but...GOOD for him.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
Get a copy of the book
Get a copy of the book "Stepcoupling" (I don't know the author offhand). It is an excellent resource and will answer the questions you have now, and those that will arise in the future. I can't say enough how much it helped me. It will help if both of you read it.
Books are good!
Thanks for the recommendation....I am looking it up on Amazon right now!
I wasn't trying
to offend, just trying to offer another point of view. I EMPHASIZED that this was something I (ME PERSONALLY) did and it worked for me. If I have to "couch" my response it isn't fair to me. I try to be sensitive----please don't take it wrong. I stand by what I did (for me) but know it is a personal choice.
oh no i completely understand
i know that was what worked for u personally and u did mention it. i just felt i had to comment on the other side...!
I don't think you have to
I don't think you have to couch your responses, we are all simply stating our opinions here and what has worked for us in our situations. The only thing that grabbed me was your implied suggestion that introducing a stepparent or significant other to your children's lives would be unhealthy for them in some way. That may be true in your case (I don't know the specs) but I wanted to clarify that for most people and in most cases, getting out of a bad relationship is better for the kids than staying.
Also, I want to point out that not all kids hate having stepparents and living in two homes. My sd recently told me that she is happy her parents divorced, because she loves me and her siblings and she wouldn't have them if her dad and mom had stayed married. She is old enough to process what she is saying.
Back to the OP, if its done right, you can affect your kids lives in a positive way. But the best way is to go as easy as you can on their mom, and give her as much time as you can to adjust to things before introducing another person to the picture. And do it openly, gently, and kindly.
Really helpful....
I'd just like to thank you all for taking the time to post such interesting and helpful comments. I really appreciate it.
Thanks!
DrD
Hi, It's hard to say. I met
Hi,
It's hard to say. I met my now SD's on our 2nd date! One was 9 and the other 5 at the time. (I don't have kids of my own) They have both accepted me totally although, I did go through the whole thing of being told "mommy must come back and you must sleep in the spare room"...things along those lines. Which were hurtful. Do set boundries for your kids, don't let them invade your girlfriends privacy and PUT HER FIRST! Don't ever make her feel second to the kids.
Avoiding upset & conflict
It will really upset your estranged wife if the children go back to her saying how nice your new girlfriend is and how much fun they had and how they want to come and live with you etc etc.
My guess would be get the divorce / settlement / custody arrangements all finalised before your new partner is introduced into the equation whilst things are still amicable with the ex.
Good luck!
I wouldn't wait for the divorce.
Me and my FH are both still married. We've had to wait 2 years because the laws in my state allow an objecting spouse to delay it that long. I met my FSS about 6 months after FH and BM separated. In hindsight, we would have benefited from talking to various professionals, our lawyer, counselors before hand. It's a good idea to have a good idea of what you 2 are jumping into. This forum helped me a great deal from tearing my hair out when things got much crazier than I thought they would be, but if I were still waiting to meet my FH's son now, it would be much stranger than it is.
Plus the older the kids get the less adaptable they are.
Your future wife also needs to know what she's getting into. I see no reason to delay the inevitable.
My Story....please help me if you can!
I am very happy that I found this site - it has been refreshing to not feel alone. Here is my story...my boyfriend has two small children - ages 3 and 5. His ex left a year ago and moved 3 hours from here. They are legally separated and he has everything taken care of in the separation papers, ie., visitation, support, alimony, common property, etc. He sees his children every other weekend and drives to where they are in between to visit, see dance recitals, etc. He speaks to his kids several times a day on the phone. So, all is well there.
I am newly divorced, with no children. I have known my BF for 7 years. We are in a committed relationship and plan to marry and have a child of our own in the future. He even calls his kids my SS and SD when he speaks to me about them. I live at his place all of the time, except for the weekends when the kids come to visit...I have to pack and leave and go to my own place that I keep and pay for for that reason. I can only come and visit at night when they are sleeping. I cook all of the food for the weekend and prepare our home for their arrival so that things are great for them.
I love doing these things for them, yet I am very sad that I have to get lost when they're around.
My struggle is that he hasn't introduced me to them or allowed me to officially meet them. We had a meeting at the park two weeks ago, and he didn't introduce me...and when the five year old went home and told her mother about the lady in the park, she called my BF right away and wanted to know who I was...sadly he said, "I don't know". His ex does not know that he is with me, although as I have stated previously, she has her suspicions of things. This was supposed to be our first introduction and attempt at the beginning to intregrating all of us together. I was so hurt. He had promised that we would start this process this summer so that I could be a great part of things by the end of the summer. That doesn't appear to be happening, and I am sad about it, yet trying to understand. It has been a year...
His reasons for the extreme delay? He said she has threatened him that if I am around her kids, she will "fight him". I am a decent, hard-working person, and an elementary school teacher, not someone unacceptable. She just doesn't like me because she has felt for years that he had feelings for me, and obviously he did. He said he doesn't want to go to court with her and fight her. He said he wants to feel "comfortable" that she won't take the kids from him. I told him that based on their legal separation, she has no grounds to fight him on. He is an amazing and wonderful father (and also an elementary school teacher.) It says in their Separation Agreement that when each party starts a new life with a new partner, each party will be supportive of that, especially with regards to their children. It seems like a green light to me that we can start the integration process slowly. He is so afraid of her and how she's going to feel....it hurts me so much. I am alone on those weekends that he has the kids. My friends are all married and starting families. I am hurting so badly and hoping that maybe someone out there can give me some advice on what I should do. I feel like somehow I am not good enough or that I don't have as much "clout" with him as his ex does. My Dad told me to "dump him and he'll straighten out his ex fast". I don't want to play games. Love is not about games. My BF has repeatedly said throughout this whole process that he cannot wait until we can all be together all of the time.
Thanks you so much for reading this extremely long and complicated story....any help would be much appreciated.
Vlnmeow....suggestion
Since this conversation thread is a bit old... I suggest posting a personal blog underyour log in so it will appear on the home page when you sign in and you will certainly receive more "reads" and comments than you have here.
You can simply copy and paste everything you have already written here. The folks on this site are so understanding and sympathetic. I'm sure many will respond with "I know your pain"...
Good luck in your current adventure. I wish you the best.
Don't make me get my flying monkeys!!!
I totally agree with all
with the one exception. You and STBX should have a general conversation about dating and moving on. Not saying that either of you need the other's consent, but BECAUSE of the children you will need to communicate and be civil and supportive of one another in your future relationships. It really goes a long way. Such was not the case for me and probabyly not for many on this site, I think because ex-partners don't communicate with each other well it creates a lot of confusion and heartache for all involved.
I know if it were at all possible, the majority of people on this site would choose to have an amicable relationship with the exes as opposed to the ones we ended up with. You don't have to be best buds or even break bread, but at least try to be on common ground for the kids sake.
Good luck with however you play it.
BTW - I know that considering that you are in process of a divorce, this may be the impossible (sitting down and coming to terms). The flip side of the coin is what we have all been faced with turmoil and interference from the ex.
My new StepMother's Motto:
When life gives you lemons... Make a damn good Margarita.
Dr.....
If you are in the midst of custody arrangements, etc., and your girlfriend is well-respected in the community and is a teacher -- that will HELP your case