Kids and Choices at Dinner Time
So, last night, I picked SD11 from my aunt's house. They were about to eat dinner - my aunt was making spaghetti. But I wanted to get home, so I said, thank you but we're not staying for dinner tonight. SD got all upset because she wanted to eat there. But we left.
Anyways, when we got home, DH had just arrived home himself. SD ran inside ahead of me, and as I was going in, DH came out to say hi. SD came out right behind him with a can of soup and said she wanted to make the soup. I said I was planning to make spaghetti, so DH told her no to the soup.
Okay. This ended up turning into an almost 3 hour ordeal with SD throwing things, crying in hysterics, etc. It started with "I want soup." Then she decided she wanted to go outside, but DH asked her about homework first and she started wailing about how unfair that was. Then it turned into an hour long lament about how she wants to live with her mother, which of course turns DH into a mush so then he's sitting on the floor of her room talking to her about her feelings, etc etc. Then it turned back into she wants soup for dinner. Finally, DH ended up making her grilled cheese (thankfully he didn't cave and give her the freaking soup). Then he played Yahtzee with her. *shrug*
It all sounds pretty stupid, right? This all started because she wanted soup, not spaghetti (even though spaghetti is what my aunt was making and what she wanted to eat in the first place).
Well, after SD was in bed, DH said to me that he think we need to let SD have more choices when it comes to dinner. He said he think SD feels smothered by me and what she sees is that whatever Jess wants for dinner is what she has to have for dinner.
In my view, yes, whatever the adult in the house cooks for dinner is what the children in the house should gratefully eat!
I think the real problem here is that SD is comparing me to DH. And when I work late, and DH is in charge of dinner, its always, "Okay, SD, look in the cabinets. What would you like to eat for dinner?" Then either he makes it for her, or she makes it for herself (depending on the complexity).
I just don't work that way. I think dinner is supposed to be where the family sits down together for a meal....not where person1 grabs a sandwich at 4:30, person2 has a bowl of cereal at 6 and person3 eats some heated up leftovers at 7:30. eh. whatever.
I guess I'm just feeling really frustrated that DH thinks this whole problem last night stems from me not wanting to allow SD to choose what should be for dinner. I'm not a freaking restaurant. And I think that if after 3 hours of tantrums that started with "I want soup," DH's conclusion is that we should let SD eat what she wants, then SD's strategy worked perfectly.
Anyway, in the end, DH was suggesting that we have SD give input into what the choices for dinner for the week would be, and then give her the choice between two options. This is somewhat of an okay idea I guess. But I'm still not really on board. I'm not going to sit down with SD every week to write a grocery list. No way.
So I told DH I will give SD a choice between two things a couple times a week. Not every night. And that's where we settled.
:puzzled:
Sounds like a good
Sounds like a good compromise...
As far as SD's 3 hour tantrum....PUHLEASE....my DH would have swatted her rear-end to remind her who the adult in the house was...PERIOD!!
"SOME PEOPLE WEREN'T MEANT TO HAVE CHILDREN"
What if...
When she gets to choose what to eat, she has to be the one to make it for everyone? It might be more responsiblity than she can handle... I don't know. I know I was cooking at 12 though. If she is the one who has to put in the work (with you teaching her & watching over her shoulder) she might develop some appreciation for what you do. You can start her out on those meals that take 10 minutes or something.
Cajun Lady
Good idea!
I like this idea!
Of course we won't be trying this tonight, since DH promised her she can have the soup tonight. :O
I'll be honest with you
I was a rebellious kid. It wasn't so much about rebelling against someone, it was because I was super independent. Some of my teachers had a major problem with me because I would not just do as they said. They treated me like a juvenile delinquent. Others worked with me & gave me the power of choice & the responsibilities that went with it. I excelled in their classes & even became teacher's pet.
You see, being that stubborn & independent was just my nature & I wasn't doing anything deleberately to tick them off. I also learned that if I get to be in charge of something then I have to deal with the consquences/responsibilities of it. And if I didn't like it then I could sit down, shut up & do as I'm told... because THAT'S LIFE.
That's why I said that if she wants it her way, then she has to do the work that goes along with it. I know it's an elaborate thing to do, but it makes a point & teaches a life lesson.
Cajun Lady
Manipulation
I just couldn't believe when she turned the "I want soup," and then the "I want to go outside," into "I want to live with my mother." She KNOWS that a statement to that effect pulls DH right in. And DH went for it, hook, line and sinker. Everything became about 'how is SD feeling,' and 'what's really behind her behavior?' I just see it as complete manipulation on her part. But maybe I'm just cold and callous.
My kids
My kids will say something like, mom, can we have spagetti sometime in the next couple of weeks....or whatever else they are craving at that time. And I will make it then in the next couple of weeks, but other choices are up to us as to what we make...it depends on what we have for supplies, how much time we have to prepare, etc. There is no way a child is going to dictate to me what they expect to have for meals.....like you said, you are not a restaurant; you cant just order whatever you want.
I agree with SteppieMary....a spanking would have been in order for a tantrum that long. My God, how do you put up with it....grrr....!!
Corie
iT'S CALLED BEING REALISTIC,
iT'S CALLED BEING REALISTIC, JESS....NOT COLD OR CALLOUSED.
YES, SOMETIMES THERE'S SOMETHING BEHIND THEIR BEHAVIOR BUT USUALLY IT'S SIMPLY KIDS BEING KIDS AND TRYING TO PUSH AND SEE HOW FAR AND HOW MUCH THEY CAN GET.
"SOME PEOPLE WEREN'T MEANT TO HAVE CHILDREN"
DH did day....
DH did say to SD, when she started asking for soup again at the end of the whole thing:
"Oh I see. First you wanted to go outside, then you wanted to live at your mom's, and now you want soup. Oh wait....first you wanted soup, THEN you wanted to go outside, then you wanted your mom's, and now you want soup again. That makes sense."
I appreciated him at least letting her know that he recognized that.... Even though he ended up cooking her grilled cheese. If it was my kid, she would've gone to bed without dinner.
OMG!
Over my dying ass would I let her "choose" what she eats for dinner. No way. You'd have to pry the spatula out of my cold, dead hand first. Everyone in my house eats whatever I fix, and they come to the table when called, we eat together as a family and they help me clear up the dishes when the meal is over. Call up my SD15 and ask her about sitting at the table for three hours because she wouldn't eat her hamburger. DH wouldn't let her get up until she'd eaten, so she sat there from lunch until it was time for dinner, almost. No special meals just because someone doesn't like or doesn't want what I prepared. No way. Not ever. Kid or skid, doesn't matter. You sit down with the rest of the family and eat what I put in front of you and you try at least a little of everything on your plate. You throw a tantrum like that in my house and you get one warning to stop or you'll be in for the ass-whooping of your life.
This isn't about soup. It's about control. And guess who has it?!
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
God, no, Crayon.
No way does DH have custody. He's an EOW dad. But BM never said a word about it. I think she felt a little sheepish because she was never much of a cook and because she works so much, she's never had the time or energy to learn. She makes a good living and I know she works hard, but the price of that is few good home-cooked meals. They aren't starving, though, so it is what it is. I still remember my SS asking me what a green bean was the first time he had them at our house. He'd never seen one before! My BM would never file a thing with CPS because she's been investigated too many times herself due to her substance-abusing husband beating the crap out of her, breaking her nose and strangling her in front of the skids. So eating green beans and hamburgers and not being excused by your father until you finish your meal is not something she'd be willing to put up against all her own personal failings when it comes to their children. Sigh. If only green beans and meatloaf were the biggest problems we had, huh?!
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
food
When you choose your battles is this a battle that you want to fight? It is about control and in the big scheme of things how important is it? I chose not to fight that battle, but then again I had much more important things to think about.
Let her choose -- once a week
I was having a huge problem with SD7 asking me every single day what dinner would be that night, then pouting if it was something she didn't like.
A friend suggested we tell the kids they can choose something once a week, as long as her dad and I approve, and then set up a menu so they know what we're having and SD doesn't keep bugging me.
Well, I had my doubts, but it has worked like a charm.
We all choose one meal a week, then talk over what would be the best day to have that meal. It doesn't take any time to figure out, because we usually have the discussion over dinner Friday before the weekly shopping on Saturday. DH and I add the veggies. That way, I'm not the meanie picking out all of the dinners everybody hates (we all share the blame), and the kids are certain to have at least one meal they like.
DH and I cook; the kids set and clear the table. All of the people at the table eat the same thing. Everyone also is expected to finish their vegetables. If they don't finish, no dessert. They know the rules, and everybody's happy.
And although I have been told I like to control every situation, giving up control in this area actually has made me -- and everybody -- much happier.
As for your SD, she would have been eating spaghetti that night at my house, or nothing! That is pure manipulation and bratty behavior, and if your DH doesn't handle it now, her teenage years are bound to kill you and him. And remember, even if you do relent and let her pick a meal once a week, you should have the final say on whether the meal choice is acceptable. Then add peas or a green vegetable.
I am feeling really lucky
my skids really love my cooking. SS10 just asked me when we can have asparagus on the grill again because he loves when I make it. Granted his brother & dad don't eat it so it's just him & I. Sometimes I feel bad because we are cooking dinner while they are waiting for mom to pick them up & they really want what we are having. Alot of mmmm smells good comments. Sometimes they will say " hey sweething can we have whatever for supper on the night they eat with us" I will generally make it then because they are good eaters & they are sking for stuff like meatloaf, pork chops, chicken parmesean... good things.
They really love it when I let them help or make their own pizza or quesadilla.
I was raised where what my mom made is what we ate. I hated her chop suey... it is nasty. At 17 I didn't want to eat it & offered to make myself something else. My dad almost hit me & told me to eat it or wear it. I was a senior in highschool & worked 25 hours a week & still had to eat what they made if I was home. Let me tell you I ate the nasty shit... and at age almost 40 we still joke about it.
You were right on and I
You were right on and I don't think he should have given into her AT ALL. It would have been spaghetti or nothing at my house.
My sister has 3 kids and she lets each of them choose the main course for dinner one night a week. They also rotate choosing a side item for dinner. That way, everyone has a say in food choices, and nobody gripes. It has worked very well for my sister.
I have an extremely picky eater. What I have done is to make sure that there is one thing on her plate that she likes to eat. But we do not fix her a separate dinner.
I think letting your sd make a dinner choice ONE time a week is great, but twice seems a little too controlling for her.
Can you imagine what would have happened 20-30 years ago if kids pitched a fit about what was for dinner? I ALWAYS gratefully ate what my mom prepared. We never even thought about getting to choose dinner. I think all these little things are contributing to a ME centered generation of kids. It's sad.
My mother
Growing up in a huge family with 19 kids. Mother had the teens sign up for dinner every night. Most of us had jobs, after school activities or sports. It made it easier for her to know how much to make. We had a weekly menu and she stuck to it. If we were not having dinner with the family, we could make a sandwich later or something easy like that. We did get to make requests and mother made sure to make us stuff we liked regularly. We got to choose the meal on our birthday. My BD12 and BS16 are out and about alot but I make dinner for all of us almost every night. If my older kids are busy, I will let BD7 choose what she wants for dinner within reason. She usually chooses stuff like soup, spagetti or something from the freezer. I made big batches of certain stuff and freeze individual servings for the kids so they can eat that when I am not home instead of all the processed foods.
Just a suggestion
We grocery shop on the weekend, after planning weekly meals (saves us from buying too much "extras" at the grocery. Anyway, we have four kids total in the house and we let them each make a suggestion for one dinner a week - but we ALL eat what is made. If for some reason there is something that one of skids CANNOT eat then they are on their own to make something (sandwich, spagetti-o's, soup) and eat at the table with the rest of us.
But no - that would not have worked when I was kid!!!
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
Ridiculous
I struggle with this same thing.
I just think that it's absolutely ridiculous to allow children behave this way over dinner.
I understand that some foods that we prepare might not be the greatest from time to time, but it is unacceptable to throw any kind of fit over it. There is no need to "dicuss their feelings." I mean come on, what message does that send.
I'm half tempted to try the "let them starve" approah, where if they don't eat they get nothing else until the next meal.
They need to know, in kids terms, that when they work and buy their own food that is when they get be picky.
My SS should come over for dinner
HAHA My SS who is 8 does the same thing. Full blown temper tantrum, tears, screaming, whining etc. DH is supportive of my handling of him, thank God! He hates Green Bean Casserole, but the rest of us love it. (We try to have different meals that everyone mostly likes and I gave him a tiny amount if he doesn't) He only "likes" junk food and freaks out about anything remotely healthy. BUT I am not a short order cook. Well he pitched a fit. So I nicely told him, that I would simply package up the leftovers and that he would eat Green Bean Casserole the following night, and the following etc until he managed to eat it. He thought I was kidding until the following night when I pulled out SS very own special Green Bean Casserole leftovers! sometimes you just have to get creative.
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
What's this with choices?
You want choices, then you cook the meal and I'll eat what you make.
I ate what my mother lovingly made the family.
My children ate what I lovingly made them.
I hate to cook so if ANYONE jerked me around about the meal, I would have blown a gasket.
All of this is an unhappy kid wanting attention and an over-indulgent guilt ridden parent.
Oh, and I forced my biochildren to eat vegetables!!!!
I tried to make what they liked----but I was not afraid to try new things or make them eat what was good for them.
I used to get
The laundry list of what Zippy likes and dislikes-and the certain brands of food he required-
I just smiled and waved-made what I wanted for dinner-Zip had to look after himself for breakfast and lunch (figured at 14 at the time, he was capable-kid used to wait me out re breakfast,figuring I would feel sorry for him, he starved a few days waiting)-DH was horrified-
After a few weeks of him running around making Zippy breakfast lunch and dinner- and buying Zips favourite foods (this is AFTER full time custody)-DH got burnt out keeping up with Zippy demands-
The Mayonnaise incident was resolved when there was a price problem here -Zippy's favourite Mayo was price hiked and DH just could not see paying that for Zip's Mayo-sooo-Zip has to put up with generic Mayo (until his brand goes on sale of course, then DH will buy a case of it so this travesty does not happen again). Progress is so slow.
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!