My DH has custody of his son. The BM pays no CS whatsoever. It's my philosophy that his BM and grandparents should be buying the kid the big presents that he expects while DH gets the necessities covered.

My DD's grandparents also buy her the big ticket items she wants because they can afford it, whereas I can't. DD has always received gifts of necessity from Santa and on her birthday because I am not able to be frivolous with money.

Basically, Christmas should not interfere with your means for living. If it is, then your BF needs to rethink the giving.

d

After almost 4 years of trying to give these unappreciative brats what they wanted for Christmas I told my husband, this year, I will only spend $100 a peice and anything you want them to have over that, you make the $$ on the side and you pay for it. Their mom gets child support from us, married a man with a good job. Every year the kids have asked us for the good, expensive gifts and every year we deliver. But those days are over. I finally figured it out that nothing we do will make them want to see their Dad more so it is time we start taking care of us. So, I kept a very detailed log of what I spent and once I hit $100, I stopped. Dh was really ok with it too. I hope this does not make me sound like a terrible person, but enough is enough. We would do without through the year so I could make sure to save enough $$ to get them whatever they wanted. It feels really good.

We believe that all the kids should receive equally at Christmas and on birthdays. That's why our two bio kids get more from us than the skids do... all the kids end up getting the same amount in the end, it just comes from different sources. The skids are getting from two sets of parents while our kids only get from one set of parents and since DH's child support payment goes towards those gifts, it makes sense mathematically that they would receive half of their total take from us and half from their mom, while our kids get 100% of everything from just us. (One of our kids actually has THREE sets of parents, so she REALLY makes out.)

This question has come up again and again and there are those who believe that you have to spend the exact same dollar amount on your skids as you do on your kids, but I disagree. All that does is penalize the bio kids for having parents who are not divorced and feed into the guilt which causes divorced parents to overcompensate for the skids. I also don't believe you give blindly and without giving thought to what that person means to you in your life. We've seriously cut down on the skids' gifts because they never call their dad, they never say thank you, they know I'm behind all the gift-giving and they never recognize my efforts. They are takers and the more they take, the less inclined we are willing to give.

~ Anne ~

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We were going to get Ss and Dh an Xbox 360 this year. However, Ss came to me and wanted to know if he could get a Wii instead. I told him that him and his dad agreed on the Xbox. Ss asked why we couldn't get both!! That was it!!! Now, we are going to get creative gifts for each other, not big expensive gifts. No Xbox 360!! Besides, Ss has every game system but the Wii at Bm's house so she will probably be getting him a Wii. For his birthday, Bm got him a PSP and so did we. So he owns 2!! To me that is ridiculous!! This year we are staying with in a budget. We don't have Ss for Christmas this year anyway, so Dh and I will have a nice quiet Christmas dinner.

Dawn

BM did not give the kids good Christmas' at all and I think that is why we were always asked for what they really wanted. However, last year, SD got Louis Vouton purses, Tiffany jewlery and lots of other stuff so I assume that whatever stick was up her a$$ the past 13 years of her life has been removed and now she is going to start sharing in the responsibilities. Christmas was always such a big deal at my house growing up and at DH's and that is why we have always gone overboard. But I woke up and figured why waste my time and energy and $$ when it will never be appreciated or much less acknowledged. Example, all the clothes SD got from us for Christmas last year, were "not the right brand and not cool enough" so she cleaned out her closet and gave them away. And you know what, there has not been a single article of clothing purchased for her since then by this household. You see my point. At least this year, I will not be as pissed if she gives away all the clothes I bought her because it is only $100 worth of stuff and it is stuff I like and I can wear anyway so I will actually be gaining clothes myself this time! LOL!!

I've also struggled with how much to spend etc on Christmas. This year since step kids think we are horrible people, I've really struggled. I think DH and I agree, they are still kids and shouldn't be blocked out of the Christmas thing altogether. We purchased two identical,reasonable valuable gifts, that we hope they will like. I have a few stocking stuffers but that is all I am willing to do. I'm not sure if we'll see them or not, but my guess is they will come at least to collect, certainly not bringing a thing for anyone else. Great parenting BM.

Anyway, on to my point. I've always had a problem with Christmas because I think we lose the meaning. Gifts were presented to Jesus because He was born "King of the Jews" This was the expected custom when appearing before a king, thus the wise men brought gifts fit for a king: gold and valuable spices. Jesus alone was the recipient of the gifts; others did not exchange gifts among themselves. Modern day commercialism certainly ran with this one.

This year, we are adopting a family. Apparently there is a large number of homeless children in the public school system here in our town. I was shocked. So we are being matched with a family and will receive their wish lists soon. If we have the step kids at all, I would like to have them deliver the presents. Maybe one day in retrospect they will get it. Even so, I think it will make Christmas more meaningful for me. I like the idea of giving to someone in need who will really appreciate it.

d

but its not the kids fault there parents are not together and that they get two big presents. I would say though maybe you should buy them a big present one year and the bm the next year. Speak to your partner about that. Then again you don't want the kids to look at your partner and say mummy got me this and turn their noses up at what you and their dad got. Life is not fair and probably for them not having their dad living with them or even spending the christmas with their dad. At the end of the day its not teh kdis fault its between both parents to discuss whether one should buy a big present one and then the other the next year.

I also would like to say refering to the kids as brats its not right. I will say again to all your step-mum or step-dads that children who are put in these situation are not their fault. Both parents including the stepparents should sit down and discuss each year what you will buy.

We are giving less this year than we ever gave before. They never seemed to care or appreciate what they got so should it matter that they are getting 50% less. They don't even bother to give their father a Christmas card.

setting spending limits for Christmas this year. You would've thought I was a dentist pulling teeth from DH. Or an auctioner. I started the bidding at $100, but didn't get a taker. After all, DH says, we had just spent $100 putting gas in our cars last Saturday so $100 wasn't enough. Uh, that gas is a necessity to get us to/from work so we have a house to live in with all essential utilities. OK, back to topic: So I upped the figure to $150 thinking I might have struck a deal, but instead, DH tried to get me off topic with 20 questions about Christmas beliefs and Santa. Like it really mattered. Knowing I wasn't getting anywhere, I had DH go get the dreaded list. At the top, an Xbox 360. Huh? Precious wants another Xbox? Why? He already has one that he uses constantly, so much so that he doesn't do anything else around the house BUT play the Xbox (and watch TV and trash his dad on his cell phone). So I guess that one works fine and he really shouldn't need a new one. Next item? An Xbox game. Third item? An Xbox game. Fourth? An Xbox game. Yes, it would appear that Precious has no interest in anything other than his Xbox. So I finally say to DH, $200 max and he begrudgingly agreed and snapped back at me that he would work overtime this weekend to cover the cost of Christmas this year. Fine by me, like my feelings are hurt that he has to work OT because he feels it necessary to indulge his son's material needs and that should be my problem. So then I made the mistake of asking DH what he would like from Santa, nothing. OK, I get it. You're pissed because you can't put us close to bankruptcy (some sarcasm, of course) over your son's Christmas list. I just want a house to wake up in on Christmas morning rather than an Xbox 360 cardboard box to sleep on because Precious was going to die without it.

I guess after all of the trash talking in the world to his BM, she still won't get Precious one from her, so he had to try manipulating DH in to buying it, and it almost worked but tookie2 squashed that maneuver. Anyhow, I told DH he would get his envelope on the 15th or 22nd with Precious's $200 Christmas cash in it, and when it was gone, it's gone. No debit card or credit card purchases, NADA, zippo, no more.

My SO pays $3200/m to the BM. That pretty much leaves him strapped every month. He has been putting so much on his CC it's scary! My 11yr old SS said that he wants a cell phone ($300) and an XBOX 360. Of course they always go to their dad whenever they want something and it pisses me off!! All the money he gives is so the BM and the kids can stay in the house so why should my SO feel so obligated to give more than what he can?? Last year the oldest HAD to have a Wii, or else his life would be over. Now the little turd wants a cell phone because all of his friends have one....He's 11 and only goes over to the neighbors house to watch tv, so why does he need a cell phone? The BM said that if he got a cell phone my SO has to give her additional $$ for the bill. I can't do much at all for my kids...Since I'm the "bread winner" and any $ I get from their BF goes straight to child care. I recently paid off all my CC debt and live paycheck to paycheck. Why does the parent who has partial custody always feel more obligated to "go the extra step"? I don't make a lot of money and neither does me ex. We never have let our kids make us feel bad if we couldn't give them something they wanted. They were always taught to be thankful for everything they have.... And they still are.

When I first met my husband he was buying a toy for his kids EOW when he had them.. that quickly came to a halt.. I told him.. they dont appreciate it, and you are wasting your money and not teaching them the real value of money or earning things.. I told him gifts and toys are for gift giving occassions.. (He AND the skids tried to convince me that year that the 4th of July was a gift giving occassion.. HA.. fat chance people)
Each year, I watch my husband go OUT OF CONTROL on gifts.. and each year I am left w/a huge cc bill to pay down... This year our circumstances are a bit different.. We are flying to visit his parents for xmas and are bringing the skids.. I told my DH that since we purchased the plane tickets, we are limiting the $$ spent on ea. child to $150 TOTAL.. Because of the high cost of the items they want, that came out to 3 gifts ea. One of them ea. being almost a hundred, and the other two items being a fair price. When I told my DH their gifts under the tree were done and that the remaining $20 ea. was for their stocking.. he nearly flipped.. Apparently I wasnt clear enough when I said that the $150 was the total amount being spent.. He thought that didnt include the stocking (which he has gotten out of hand w/too) SOOO.. after much discussion we have only spent $150 ea TOTAL on the kids. I am SURE there will be unhappy campers at xmas this year.. (told DH that he is to explain to the kids on the flight down that the flight down is their xmas gift from US..)

Their BM is a nut job.. and gets them weird things for their gifts, and is never what the kids ask for. She grills my DH as to what we purchased (no idea why its not like she gets them what they ask for.)

As for when we have kids in the future (which hopefully happens sooner rather than later) I would want to spend about $75 more on my kids then on the skids.. Since they do have 2 sets of gift giving parents, 4 sets of gift giving grandparents, and numerous aunts and uncles. Why $75??? bc that is probably about what the BM spends on her kids xmas gifts.

But that will be a battle for another day!

Last night I explained to my girls what the TRUE meaning of Christmas is (I do this every year) and they totally get the idea that it's not about us, or what we want or what we get. Well when I told my SO to let my skids know that money is tight this year he said, "I can't let my children know that they may not get what they want! Do you know how upset they will be? I want them to have at least 3 major things that they've asked for all year...." My SO feels like he has to do so much more for them since this is their first Christmas without their parents together, and he doesn't have them on Christmas day. He sees them every Tuesday and every weekend, so it's not like they're hurting for their dad. The BM asked what we were getting them and everytime we told her she would say, "Oh I was getting that...." or "I want to get that for them".... We can't win! The skids complain whenever they can't have what they want or they yell, "you hate me dad!" when they don't get their way, and he STILL goes out and buys them what they want....GUILT, IT'S WHATS FOR DINNER!

Mamasi1120, That is exactly why my DH used to buy the skids things all the time... GUILT.. its also why my DH takes a grandparents' approach to parenting.. he wants to be their friend.. he wants them to LIKE HIM.. and it took awhile.. but did eventually sink in.. that he shouldnt be concerned w/if they like him now.. he should be concerned with what he was teaching them and how that would affect their futures and their future finances..

Try and negotiate it down to 1 major thing they are asking for and several smaller things that are essential that they have at your place. We have been together for 4 years.. and EVERY year its a negotiation... EVERY YEAR.. Let the BM get them everything.. You pick out something off that list of majors.. get them 1 of them and work w/the rest.. OR set a $$ figure.. tell him if he can get them those things in that budget then have at it.. if he cant.. then he will have to select what he CAN afford.

Its a horrible position to be put in.. I know that.. And have often worried that my DH would hate or resent me for putting my foot down on our shared finances.. but he eventually realizes that it IS in the best interst for the skids to teach them about patience, finances and budgets.

Not only do I have to deal with everything mentioned above (skids expecting expensive gifts from their dad and getting them, thus putting us further into debt...) but also his kids still expect "dad" to buy mommy an expensive gift ($150) as well out of our money and they take credit for it while we don't get reimbursed from the ex.

The first two years, I had NO idea he still paid for a gift for the ex for his kids to give her. (I knew he was broke and therefore told him not to buy me one! What a fool I was.) I do know that hubby reimbursed her for the gifts his kids showed up for me....

But, this year when I found out he didn't get reimbursed and in fact hid the purchase from me I freaked out and said it's unacceptable.
He was a nervous wreck about how to tell his kids, he couldn't buy their mom that traditional gift. But we wound up solving the problem by telling his kids he'd give them an alloted amount of cash and they could pool their money if they wanted to buy mom that expensive traditional hummel. Well, sd15 did not take it well at all. She blamed me. AFter all for the last 16 years of her life, dad always bought mom that gift from them all. (My ss16 was thrilled to get spending money from dad to spend on gifts since they don't have jobs..and the 20yr old was also happy. (She also is unemployed...I just hope she doesn't buy drugs with the money.) But in any case, I was shocked that they still think their dad is responsible for their mom. I can see my husband lending them money or giving them $25 but not $150 that we don't have!!! They are TEENAGERS who CAN babysit or do chores to earn money.

I really wish they'd all just make us something homemade...A photo in a frame, a bookmark, a poem, etc. I hate the materialism involved with the holidays.

Back to the XBox. I am SO SICK OF THAT WORD!!! My SS has from 3 years ago, walked in our door mumbled a brief hello to us then walked straight in to the XBox. 2 days later he emerges and mumbles goodbye to us and the same thing goes on...why? Because My DH always just played XBox with SS before me and he had no restrictions and he knew no other way to amuse himself.

When I was suitably comfortable to crack a wobbly about this behaviour, thats when SS didn't like coming anymore. What did mum get you for Xmas?? Oh 3 xbox games. What do you want for xmas?? I got Bs14 and SS11 to write a list for me to pick 3 things off. I said list 10 things you want.

BS14 says a PC game, a scooter (not motorised) a pair of shoes (skate ones) a guitar (he is learning) and a hat, a wallet, a DVD and ram for his computer to boost the memory and some tshirts. All normal stuff in my opinion for a 14 year old.

SS11 List says (an this is no joke) an AK47, an M16, a 44 calibre rifle, a claymore a bulletproof vest and a hand gun and the name of 2 xbox games!! I laugh and say write a real list, he says that is my list, no laugh. I said obviously we won't get you guns, he says oh well thats all I want.

Please tell me are all these Xbox games he plays screwing with his head or what?? How many 11 year olds know all those names of those guns?? I have always been worried about this kid, and DH always thought I was being silly, after I handed him the list even he had a very worried look on his face...I said nothing....

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

d

is about giving with love, not a credit card. The commercialization (my mother taught me years ago) of Christmas is absolutely abhorent and I try not to fall into the trap.
My husband shops for his 3 and I shop for my three----he knows he cannot afford a lot, and I buy meaningful useful gifts for mine. I told my kids this year to take the money they wanted to spend on me and put it towards a credit card or the cleaning lady they have (they have stressful jobs ages 26, 27, 28 and his 15, 22, and 26). Their gift to me is their presence on Christmas morning & sharing a traditional breakfast.
I didn't even put up a Christmas tree this year---I bought a beautiful manger scene & put that up--------that (in my opinion, in my house, for me) is what Christmas is all about. I hope my children learn from me what I learned from my parents. You teach by example not words.
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