FIL disown son to hang w/ EW (long post)
I am new to the board,so this may have been covered before. I am engaged to FH w/ 2 kids. He had bad 12 year marriage, parents always hated her and told him he should divorce her. He suspects she cheated repeatedly, finally caught her cheating with their neighbor/his best friend. She filed for divorce thinking the lover would divorce too and then the lover dumped her. (woohoo!)
He and I met online through a message board we both frequent and met each other in person about a week later, one month before his divorce was final. His parents claimed to be thrilled for him. Fast forward to my visit a few months later that lasted a few weeks - I met his kids for dinner w/ his parents there. They still like me and think the kids do too. Fast forward to me moving in several months later- his parents still have no problem, act like things are fine. EW says she has no problem then files for more custody time. FH suspects that his mother is in contact w/ EW and that they are having bitching sessions about me and the whole situation, all while FMIL is pretending to be my buddy (sort of. FMIL denies any contact w/ EW. He tells FMIL that if she is telling stuff (FMIL tends to lie a LOT) to the EW it could hurt his case in court.
fast forward to family vacation. We met his parents for part of our trip w/ kids. Went horribly. They told us the things we wanted to do were stupid (even though it was what the kids asked to do)acted like I was an imbecile acted VERY jealous and mean whenever the kids acted like they were having fun w/ me. The kids and I get along great. Some bumps here and there, but for the most part, they are genuinely happy that I am marrying their daddy and have told me that I feel like their mom.
fast forward after several months of bickering w/ FIL over them not getting "enough" time w/ the kids. (where they practically ignore them) FIL begin totally ignoring me and acting as though I do not exist. They drop in and ask to take the kids when I am home alone w/ them in the day time (i kept kids in summmer during the day - no biigie, we all like it) Get angry when they are denied - the never give notice and never accept our invitations to do things together or later - only what they want when they want.
I finally confront FMIL after being totally ignored at a family function that lasted over 8 hours. Ask her why she has a problem with me - all hell breaks loose. Over the course of a few weeks his entire family tells him I am ruining his life and that he should leave me. We go to meet w/ his parents in person and they tell him they are not his son and that they don't care if they ever see or talk to him again, that they will never accept me and that I am never to set foot in their house again. They stick to this except to demand to spent time w/ the kids. We Find out that his mom and EW have in fact been speaking on the phone, EW sends gifts to his parents (she hated them previous to divorce) Parents send her cards etc. The kicker is that now his mom sends packages to the kids at EW's house, has arranges to pick up kids prior to activities that they know FH will be at and then call him to boast that they have the kids. After all that they SIT W/ THE EW at a sporting event for one of the kids. They didn't say a word to either of us.
What in the hell are you supposed to do when the FIL hate you and their own child?????
They have not offered their congratulations to us upon hearing that we are engaged and told the kids that "Your daddy and ????? MIGHT get married" They accuse me or being harmful for the children, but offer no examples (there aren't any!!!)now we don't know if we should even invite them to the wedding, much less even speak to them or let the kids have "his" time.
I doubt this is going to get any easier. Who else has a situation like this?
Me.
Welcome to the club of dysfunctional families.
My situation is very similar to yours. My dh was trapped by a cheap tramp, who has never really been a stable mother, but rather uses her children to use their fathers, and anyone else who will "pay" for those kids. When dh and the tramp lived together, none of his family members appreciated her. Then they break up, 2 years later I come along, and they at first were all encouraging dh to marry me. Then when our relationship got more serious, that is when the sabotage started coming.
About a year into our relationship, mil & aunt played real hard to befriend the once hated tramp. Of course they lured her in by talking trash about me. Then we announced our plans to get married, not officially engaged, but our plans to become married and all hell broke loose with the fam and the ex. The ex wanted to move all over the state so that dh couldn't see ss, and of course when we filed for a parenting plan, my dh's family went to her aid, and become witnesses for the tramp.
Let me tell you this, the tramp moves every 3 months, changes jobs frequently, parties like there is no tomorrow, never had ss in any daycare while she worked (and yes she worked), he bounced from one free person to the next every different day, and I believe he was parked in front of a tv alone at home while she was at work from time to time. Rotting teeth in the mouth, but would never let dad nor I take him to the dentist, and she just didn't have the time (we in fact had to take her to court and have the judge sign papers that she was to take him to dentist immediately to get rotting teeth pulled asap or else). The list goes on and on.
During this time, my dh twin sister pretended to be my friend, and acted like she wasn't part of her dyfunctional mother and aunt. Boy was I wrong. I asked her to be my maid of honor at our wedding. It took my wedding to figure out that his sister is just like his mother, and the only reason she was ever nice to me in the first place was b/c I benefitted her. That one hurt, but I got over it.
Fast forward to today, sil is bff with the pyscho ex. The tramp just desperately wants to be in the family, and I'll tell you what, she can have them. Here recently, my sil got married and I asked if the tramp was going to be at the dinner cruise reception, I was told no. If she was going to be there, I was going to sit out the reception, I don't feel like rubbing elbows with white trash. My dh and I were the last to board the dinner cruise, and tramps fat ass was on the boat. SIL intentionally withheld that information just to get me on the boat. It was interesting though. SIL acts like there is nothing wrong with the tramp, NO she's not a pathelogical liar, manipulative bitch, that uses children to use people, NO she's not an alcoholic that makes massive public displays of the worlds' most embarrassing adult moments right in front of her children!!! The whole time on the boat, everyone gravitated to sitting with me and dh, and she and her bf sat there alone listening to us laugh and drink. I tell you I have zero desire to be part of an ex's family. Might say hi, might go to a funeral and the immediate wedding, but I won't stay for the reception. Thanks but no thanks.
Long story short, distance yourself from unreasonable people. Not everyone on this earth is a nice person with good intentions, including mothers. Sometimes people are sabotagers, they are absolutely miserable, and they don't want you to be happy, so they reach out to make you miserable. Remember, misery loves company.
I just remind myself that I don't have to value the opinion of my in-laws. If they talk trash about me, the people really listening, aren't people that I value anyways...so who cares? The only people that really listen to my in-laws are either crazy, white trash, or both, so what do I care?
It takes practice to get over it, and to learn to ignore someone being disrespectful to you, but trust me, you will have plenty of opportunities to practice at ignoring their unreasonable comments. Just remember, you are not obligated to his family, you are only obligated to him. Make sure before you marry this man, the two of you have clear understandings about what is expected out of each of you when his family acts out of disrespect. My dh likes to put his head in the sand and pretend his family isn't doing anything, while I'm pist off he isnt' saying something to defend my honor. I know I know, I'm a big girl, no one needs to defend me, but man support would be nice once in a while.
Good luck,
Candice
The best thing
about all of this is that FH is VERY aware and angry at his parents for their behavior towards me and w/ his ex. He is also understandably hurt by their actions. For now we are operating under the idea that eventually they will see her true colors - that she lies, manipulates, her career is more important than ANYTHING and that she is only using them for some reason. Glad to know there is at least 1 other person out there in this situation.
We recently heard about/read two books that have really helped (like in the last 2 days) called
Toxic Parents
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. They have been such a great help in realizing that WE aren't the crazy ones!
That is really the bottome line
and you need to recognize that. It took me the longest time to over come my frustration on why I couldn't get my in-laws to like me, or why they wouldn't support my relationship with their son/brother. Well, it isn't me, it's them. When my therapist told me that, it was like a light bulb went off and I realized I'm working for nothing. If they don't like me, it isn't b/c I haven't demonstrated good ethics, morals, and character, it's b/c they are sabotagers.
Thanks for recommending those books. I think I will have to pick them up and give them a try, I have never heard of them.
What took me some practice was getting over their rudeness, and moving on rather than dwelling in why they think I deserve this treatment. I work on distancing myself from them, and I focus my time and energy on positive people around me. My dh is not so good at standing up for me, but he is really good at distancing himself from his family. The only time I'm really forced to do anything is the event of a wedding, and his nephews bday and my son's bday. I can handle those days, but I don't volunteer for anything else.
Candice
oops
by FIL I meant Future In-Laws. It's mostly his mom, who I think truly believes they are HER kids and not her grand-kids. Unfortunately, the FILs live 10 minutes from us and 45 minutes from the EX. Frustrating, but that is the conclusion we are coming to as well - we just have to separate ourselves from all the tension. It's not healthy for our family.