I know exactly how you feel. My BF also has a 6yo daughter and try as I might I cannot love her. Sometimes I don't even like her much. We have been together 2 years and I have struggled with this on and off the entire time. I love my BF dearly and wish wholeheartedly it was just the two of us. It's not that the SD is an awful kid. I have terrible resentment towards her, her BM and my BF because the SD is not his biological daughter, but the result of an adulterous affair by the BM during their marriage. My BF didn't discover this until the SD was 2-1/2, which ended the marriage, but he chose to continue being "daddy". You don't know how much I wish he had walked away, which he had every right to do with her not being his bio-kid.

Now we have to pay every day, and for many years to come, having to deal with a nutty BM. Especially now that she is considering filing for child support, which just blows my mind. And the CS is not to support the SD (who we have shared custody with) but to support the extravagant BM lifestyle. I have become enraged over this.

JLD, please feel free to write me privately if you need to express some of these emotions you're experiencing. You are not a monster and I know just how you feel. Sorry I can't offer any constructive advice other than to vent these feelings, which does seem to help.

Take care, Dee

Falling in love with a man doesn't necessarily mean you're going to love his children. There's no switch you can flip. Romantic love doesn't automatically spill over into parental love if your partner has kids. When your situation is complicated by other factors, such as financially crippling CS payments or, a hateful child or a problem BM, then it's that much harder. It's hard sometimes to dredge up any real, tender emotion for the offspring of someone who is trying to ruin your life. It's hard to love a child who isn't affectionate, loving, accepting and lovable. You are not alone, you are not insane, you are not a villain... you are just one of us! (That was meant to make you feel BETTER, not worse, by the way!)

I love my three skids and I have since the first time I met them, but they were very loving and affectionate towards me and the BS with their mom didn't start right away. But there are times when I don't like them very much. There have been LOTS of times that I wish they didn't exist. I also have two bio kids - daughter is 4, son is 9 - and there are times that I don't like THEM very much, either! Believe me, I am watching like a hawk for those companies who are selling tickets to the moon on a space shuttle, because I am SOOOOO getting one for my little girl. One way!

Everything you are feeling is natural. We've all felt that at one time or another. Sometimes it gets better, sometimes it doesn't and sometimes it can get a whole lot worse. How you feel about the child, to me, is a side issue. In a perfect world, we'd all get the right guy in the perfect set of circumstances, but in reality, most of us have to settle for the right (or almost right!) guy in not-so-perfect circumstances. Only you can decide if this is enough for you. If it's not, there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's not an easy life.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

I am new to this but, I understand how you feel JLD.
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and 8 months. I have a daughter from a prior relationship. My boyfriend also has a daughter from a prior relationship.
In the beginning I enjoyed my boyfriend's daughter but, ever since his BM got him falsely arrested and called ACS(anonymously) against me and my boyfriend, I don't feel the same way around the child.
I am nice to the child but, they are times that I tell myself why did I even bother to tell my boyfriend not to give up on his child because, he is a great dad from what I can see.
You know what is even far worse is the fact that now my boyfriend want's to fight for full custody of the child. Honestly, I would prefer he wouldn't and part of me tries to convince him not to but, my boyfriend is adamant about his decision. It is sad but, I even pray at times that the court finds his reason's not valid enough to award him custody of the child and leave's the custody with the mother and him having visitation.
I tell my boyfriend to give his daughter more time to grow up and that hopefully his daughter will become so fed up with her mother's way that she will eventually start to express to the courts she wants to live with him but, my boyfriend refuses to wait because, he say's the longer he waits the longer his child will suffer educationally and emotionally.
So, while I may feel the way I do all I can do is hope that things stay the same but, if they don't I will keep everyone posted. Who know's if my boyfriend does get custody of his child I may have to use this website more frequently.
Jani

I always thought I was the only one that felt this way....I have a daughter who is 5 and my boyfriend has a 4 year old. I cannot stand his son, he has babied him to the point where he only eats Ramen noodles and pancakes and he cries everytime he doesn't get his own way. We are supposed to move in together in a couple months but I told him I will not cater to a picky eater and he is in the process of changing his sons eating habits. Every weekend his son is at my house he cries when I serve him something other than what he'll eat....we both have talked and are starting to go by the same rules and punishment system. I am so glad he is very understanding. And I have told him that his son really gets on my nerves with his crying an whining. I'm lucky to have such an understanding guy that can admit when changes need to be made...:) Sometimes you have to come out and tell them the way you feel whether they like it or not.

My stepson was turning 6 when I met him and started dating my husband. The only difference is that I thought his son was really sweet, respectful, and just a good kid. I would not have married my husband if I thought that I couldn't live and accept his son, too. After all, he had full custody of him and lived with him full time. No every other weekend breaks. So let me give you a snapshot into your future. I have been married 10 years and each year has become more and more difficult being a stepmom. My SS and I hardly talk anymore and there is a lot of resentment and tension between me and my husband because of it. I'm not saying your future will be just like mine, but if she get's on your nerves now, just imagine what it will be like when she is 13, or worse 16! Can you hear, "you're not my mother!" echoing in your head? I advise open discussions with your boyfriend and possibly family counseling before you decide to live together or get married. I have always wished it was just the two of us also and let me tell you, 10 years later I feel the same way. Just ask yourself if you can live with those feelings for a long time?

"So if you totally hate it, there is no shame in telling your BF, sorry honey, I love you to death but I can't stand your child and so I have to leave this relationship."

Is that even an option? To leave a relationship over a child?

I'm grappling with these issues myself. I have a 6-year-old stepdaughter and the thing is, she really has a great temperament towards me. I am just constantly, constanlty ANNOYED and on edge because of her. EVERYTHING SHE DOES PISSES ME OFF! I think I must just hate kids. She could really hate me, but she loves me and has a great temperament. But still, I don't like how loud she talks, I don't like when she sings, I don't like how she eats. I'm like a stodgy old man! Then I feel guilty, that this is a 6-year-old for crying out loud and I'm a mature adult. Then she rattles of 2 questions at me. Oh- what just pisses me off the most is she's into giving me kisses so she'll pucker up and go "MMMM MMMMM" which means I have to kneel down and have a kiss.

I feel like something is wrong with me. I'm not jealous of anything, of her relationship with her mom etc. I KNOW its not that- its just that she pisses me off for no good reason and I wish she were out of the picture but she never will be!

Does anyone else HATE their stepchild just because they're so GODDAMNED ANNOYING?

Daddy1

I love my BF so much; he truly is my soulmate. BUT I do not love his 6yo daughter. I guess I would say I tolerate her. She can be very sweet at times, but more often than not, she acts like a selfish, spoiled brat. I continue to try to be a good step-parent to her, do things for her and then she pulls one of her many bratty, whiny fits. It's never enough for her.

My BF wants to marry, but I am hesitant. I have no doubts about OUR relationship, but the fact that the SD and the psycho BM will play a significant part in our lives for the next 12 years, minimum, is very scary to me. I just don't know if my feelings towards SD are going to get better or even possibly worse as she gets older and even brattier. She rules the roost at her BM's house all week long and then we get the pleasure of her bossy, selfish behavior on the weekends.

I am possibly in denial over what effect this is going to have on my and BF's relationship. I want so desperately to spend the rest of my life with this man. I just keep putting off the commitment of marriage hoping things will take a turn for the better. *fingers crossed*

everyone for the "normal" discussion. I find it a relief to see so many who feel as i do. I have now been living with a woman for two years. She has a just turned 12 year old. He's not 6 but from how he acts you'd often think he was. From what i can tell they don't get less annoying. I find this kid to be terribly annoying and he just turned 12 and it's like some switch went off to go into hyper-annoying mode. In france they call age 12 the "stupid age" - he's been in that stupid acting mode for some time now and now he's aged a little and managed to make it worse with a little bit of 12 year old increased assertiveness and obnoxiousness.

The thing is when i started the relationship with this woman i didn't really really know what i was getting into. From what i can see you'll never be two - you'll always be three. At least for a very very long time. In our case as a threesome i find us to be terribly disfunctional. Unfortunately i love the woman and would feel terrible about leaving her. We are getting to the end of our wits now though. I am angry all the time and just can't seem to stand to be around the kid anymore. My poor GF is torn between the two and understandably has difficulty with my anger. I guess we'll go to counseling - if that doesn't help i don't think we'll last.

Unfortunately also in my case my GF (girlfriend?) spoils her kid but i can't just straighten it out because she often doesn't agree with me on those things. She doesn't have the same philosophy as i do, she doesn't have the same limits - such as what are appropriate table manners. What chores they should do, how well they should obey. You name it, when it comes to parenting we don't see eye to eye.

Anyway i don't know what normal is but it seems it is really common and definitely my case.

Well i'm using your blog to do my own venting. But as to your question as to leaving, i think you only have two choices. One is to leave and the other is to work on the relationship with the girl. She aint going away, she's not going to get much easier until 18 or so (if you're lucky even then), and it'll never be just you and your guy. It's going to always be the three of you.

I'm just adding random thoughts now. The thing i see lacking between me and the child is we have nothing positive between us. Unfortunately i don't see any way of establishing that. If you have any idea of how to do that - sharing some activities together or somehting like that, then maybe you could develop something positive. That might make the rest go better. Any ideas anyone?

Good luck.

This thread has me mortified. I'm not married yet, been in stbh and his daughters life for 3 years and she's only 4 1/2. BM is a TRAINWRECK. I mean the first few months were like nirvana, and then SHE found out he was dating again - then BAM, I am transported as if in nightmare to the set of Jerry F*ing Springer.
I LOVE his daughter. In fact I NEVER saw myself mothering until I met her. HOWEVER...
Every time she comes to visit she looks more and more like a mini BM. She has begun to adopt her mothers mannerisms, bad grammar, verbal and facial expressions. What first seemed like independence turned to impertinence and now plain rudeness. She invokes this behavior even more when she misses her mother and it seems to me she does it sometimes just to irritate me. She walks in the door and it is as though she is channeling her mother.
Could it REALLY get WORSE? I mean the challenges of the next few years were frightening enough - but when I think about 14 years.....
I am going to faint.
I hope that the love continues to grow too. I do not want to live without STBH.

I wish I felt different...I really do, I was thinking I was the only one that felt this way and have terribe guilt aroud it. I am soooo glad I found this site. When I met DH, SD was 5 and we only had contact with her every other weekend because of BM but after we married the tables turned and we got full custody of now 11year old SD for aprox 2.5 years off and on due to BM health issues. We have only been married for 3 years. Now we are one week on and one week off but I dread our week. Before we had custody I could handle every other weekend and looked forward to it most times because DH would want to do things with SD and my kids BUT once we had her full time it went to hell in a handbasket but quick! We have no real relationship its just a show for DH from both of us. She is very spoiled...DH also parents from guilt and it just gets worse and worse. I always have hopes that it will get better but I just get more and more annoyed. AARRRGGG...JLD & Laststraw let me know if you figure anything out!

bit of a joke for me to give advice. But you did ask, sort of.

I haven't really figured anything out but you say there is no relationship and that she is spoiled. Myself i have tried just being to the side and not bothering with the fact the child is spoiled. I have also tried doing something about it. I vote for doing something. In a way it makes you the bad guy, but i kind of had nothing to lose, as it sounds you don't either. So you could start to develop a relationship by working on the spoiled behavior. Although it will produce conflict they will probably both realise and appreciate your efforts in the end - she might be a little to young to consciously realise you're right, but i think she'll "know" it anyway. Obviously you have to work on the dad as well. Hopefully he is someone who will listen.

And doing that will show you care and will at least form some sort of relationship with the girl.

After that where do we find the loving or at least liking relationship? Let me know if you figure anything out.

Yeah i think you need to step up to the plate no matter what. You are there and you are an adult. And you see it worked. That has mostly been my experience - i resist getting involved for i am sure similar reasons to yours, but in the end i can't take it. Early on i tried to stay out of things. It just doesn't work. And eventually when i do take action, it generally does work out - at least eventually - bumpy sometimes. The other thing is that if i wait long enough to be really frustrated by something it goes worse when i finally do speak up because by then i am angry.

So what is an SO? I am really dense with these things. Also you ask if SS ever stays with BF. I thought i was BF (boyfriend) of GF (my girlfriend) who is a BM (bio mother). Oh yeah - BF is also biological father. Yeah he used to stay with him every other weekend and every tuesday night (younger french kids don't have school on wednesdays), but now it's just the every other weekend - that is another complaint i have - he picks the kid up late saturday morning and brings him back fairly early sunday evening. I'd really prefer he take the kid after school friday or sometime friday evening. That way we could have a real weekend. This is another thing that if i would push i could probably get. So far i have been the nice guy.

But yeah i could deal with it all way better with one week on one week off - or if the dad had the kid every weekend. That aint gonna happen though. The mother thinks the alternating weeks thing is too hard on the kids and although i have no way of knowing for sure, i agree with her - that does seem like it would be pretty difficult. Especially if there is a big difference in environments in the two homes. Also no way they'll do every weekend with BF because neither the mother nor father would be in agreement with that. The dad likes his freedom and the mom wants some weekends with her kid. Also the mom would not want the kid to be with the dad so much because although he's a nice guy he is just not a responsible person or a good role model or a very good influence on the kid. I wouldn't say he's terrible either, but ...

Anyway my GF is reasonable but we have some big differences of opinion. To me that is not the biggest problem. Like i say i think what is really troublesome is the lack of a positive relationship between me and the kid. And that i can't really blame on anyone much. That is probably my problem for the most part. Plus the thing of being so annoyed with him. A lot of people on here complain about that. Apparently it is really common. I'm guessing that when you really love the kid that stuff bothers you less or you just don't even find it annoying most of the time.

So what is really the deal with those of us who are so annoyed. Examining my own feelings it just seems like i don't want the kid around. Plain and simple. So thing is i think i have to form a good positive relationship with this guy or i should probably move on.

You have your own bio-kids don't you? What's the difference? Do you have any ideas for improving your feelings/relationship toward the step-kids? What do you think?

I do have bkids (2) living with us. They are older 18 & 17 and are very busy with their own lives not under foot much. I also get very, very annoyed with SD and have very little in common with her. BM is very materialistic and this has rubbed off on SD, not to mention the spoiled part. I think that is where most of my annoyance comes from and the fact that any negative comments from me about SD are highly criticized even if they are for her own good. I guess in some respect I am jealous, we have only been married for 3 years and when we first were married SD was with BM 80% of the time, I miss having that free time, especially since my kids are older and don't require that level of attention. I guess I have the same question you do, how do I get past my feelings to try to forge a real relationship with this child? I have no damn clue. Sorry. I don't ever want to leave my husband but sometimes am so frustrated by the whole thing that I contemplate life on my own again. I keep hoping things will get better and some hole in the universe will open up and guide me through this thing...hasn't happened yet, but I do keep hoping. If you love your SO, keep trying. You will feel better about yourself and will probably help this child more than you know. At least that is what I tell myself. Oh and SO is significant other.

that's about it, isn't it? I'm not sure it's exactly jealousy but there's an unwelcome intruder in the house. Of course in my case i am the one who intruded. Still, ... doesn't change the way i feel. Time will tell i guess. Yeah, I'd also like for there to be some big moment where it becomes clear that all is well or that it'll never work out. Instead it is more of a long trail of kind-of working out, kind-of not. Times where things are great and others that are pretty bad.

I just got the SO thing right before you said it. I guess it was more obvious in that sentence.

well, good luck

The whole step parent/blended family thing is so hard. The ex's can make our lives a living hell. Truthfully, I don'think I could have married my DH if I never had a good relationship with my SD or he would have married me if it wasn't good. I guess I was lucky..BM had an affair when SD was only 1 1/2 and i met her when she was just 2 1/2 so this way of life is all she knows. She believes I have been apart of her life since she was born.

But for the hell we go through and it doesn't seem to get any easier why would we want to take on Skids we don't love and ex-wives who turn our worlds upside down. I know there have been times I have thought get out..get out now but then I think of our Biokids and my SD and to put them through a divorce because of some exbimbo forget she'll never get the satisfaction from me.

My advice would be think long and hard it is a lifetime committment. One day they could decide to live with you full time and I know my Dh would accept that with open arms.

you don't have to love her but you do need to treat her with respect and fairness, due to her age you may grow to love her.
try to limit your time with her, you may be trying too hard....

I am so happy to see that there are others like me and I am not a completely evil person! I have been with my H for 6 years now and he has 2 teenage kids from a previous relationship. I'm sure the teenage part comes into play as well, but I am happy they are not younger on the other hand. I dread the weekends they come over and do everything I can to make other plans for myself. He has only 5 more years of child support so I am hoping that they see each other outside our house after that at least. I hate that I feel this way but I cannot help it. I so wish it was just the 2 of us...

I am so happy to see that there are others like me and I am not a completely evil person! I have been with my H for 6 years now and he has 2 teenage kids from a previous relationship. I'm sure the teenage part comes into play as well, but I am happy they are not younger on the other hand. I dread the weekends they come over and do everything I can to make other plans for myself. He has only 5 more years of child support so I am hoping that they see each other outside our house after that at least. I hate that I feel this way but I cannot help it. I so wish it was just the 2 of us...

Cre1478 said

"The eating, the loud talking, the nonsensical banter between the two of them, the questions, having to answer them which leads to more annoying questions, the fact that they can't concentrate on anything, telling them the same frigging thing every day. They don't retain anything, they have bad manners (not saying hello when they walk into a room, not saying thank you when given a gift)Basically poor social skills. One of them is addicted to nintendo DS and it drives me up the wall. It's the only thing he's into. And I blame DH for some of this. He doesn't get them involved in any sports, clubs, etc., doesn't address the poor manners effectively, and is in denial that the kids are not "normal".

OMG. Ditto at our house! WOW! My bf thinks his daughter is perfectly adorable and plays well with others. He even tells that to people! When the teacher tries to bring up problems about her, my bf get uber-defensive and blaims the teacher. He lives in denial!

She is not socialized properly. Just shuttles between households and video games and tv babysits her. She has 0 attention span, she whines and baby talks, she uses sarcastic, condescending words (she does not even know the meaning of them) and makes faces exactly like her mother. She does not play with other kids well at all. She bosses them around and she is miss know it all, so kids pull away from her, then she cries.

I find myself being annoyed by lots of things she does, because most of her motivation comes from showing me that my BF loves her more and she clings. She views me with hostility for most part. There are times that she is nice and gives me an occasional hug, but it's so inconsistent. Most of the time I just catch her glaring at me from the corner of my eye.

I have been coming in terms with feeling this way with the help of my therapist. I am allowing myself to have these feelings. It would be such a lie if I tried to deny them.

It's good to hear all of you, that you experience these feelings too...that you struggle with them too! I used to get angry with myself feeling this way thinking "how can I hate an innocent child so strongly and how I should be more adult about it" But it is how I am. feeling.

I think we all base who we like and who we don't like based on how they act and how they treat us. When we are treated well and respected we tend to like these people and we want to do for them. It is really hard to love someone who doesn't love you back...it is hard to treat someone respectfully who doesn't give you an ounce of consideration. So don't feel bad. When a child is not yours biologically...unconditional love is real hard.

I have been with my BF almost 4 1/2 years and he has a 7 year old daughter. I have tried to bond with her for years now and we just haven't clicked for whatever reason. She has shied away from me and isn't affectionate with me at all after years of trying to hug her hello or kiss her goodnight. I am often annoyed by the awkward situations. I feel like the third wheel, and left out alot of the time. It is very frustrating and I fear it will only get worse as she gets older To top things off, my BF babies her and caters to her every demand. Each night he has her (about 4-5 nights a week) he does something special with her. Tonight they went to the store and bought fireworks. Tomorrow it's bowling. Wednesday the beach. And do you think he plans things for just the two of us? Rarely..