Step daughter
Hey parents! I'm in need of some support.
Just some background on my scenario. I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years now. When we started dating I knew he had a daughter, she was 3 when we started dating. Fast forward to now, his first daughter is 8 and we have her every weekend. Together we have a wonderful daughter who is 20 months old and I am currently pregnant with a little boy!
So things started to get a little rocky when we moved out together for the first time. ( Before we were ever pregnant) He never disciplined his daughter, he never held her accountable for her actions, never made her clean up after her self or apologize. He rewarded her bad behaviours with gifts and treats. Earlier in our relationship, his daughter had run up and hit me with a large stick for fun. It left a huge black bruise and hurt although I acted like it didn't. She laughed and he never did anything about it. I let that go like numerous other things. She buried a frog alive once and I cried and asked her to stop and let him go. And she refused. So I dug him up and her dad was like meh. Kids bury animals alive... no.
So now that I have a child with him and another one to come I seriously worry about how they will be brought up if my boyfriend and his daughter are constantly on another page?
I was raised to respect my elders, to say sorry, please and thank you. These are words I rarely hear from my step daughter. It's really embarrassing when someone gives her a gift and she doesn't say thank you. She rolls her eyes at me or scoffs her voice at me when I ask her to clean up after her self.
She's allowed to roam the internet as she pleases, I always find her watching inappropriate things and I tell her it's not allowed here. She tells me it's ok at her moms house and that she's allowed to watch things like "The Walking Dead." I try to explain to her that things that are of a violently or sexually explicit manner are not appropriate for an 8 year old. But she's totally desensitized to it and it freaks me out.
She gets physically aggressive with my toddler when she gets frustrated with her. She kicked her in the stomach once. I never leave them alone but there dad does. He trusts his daughter to be safe around the toddler. But every time I am not around and he leaves them alone my daughter always magically ends up hurt.
And this is only a little tiny insight of the situation. It's so much more complex. I do love my stepdaughter. I worry about her future and how she's being raised. I don't feel like we are doing her any favours by not holding her accountable ever. I love my boyfriend but sometimes I wonder if I can do this. We have such a major conflict in parenting interests. I'm tired of always being the bad guy or feeling like the evil step mother for being the only person who asks her to clean up after her self. But I fear leaving, a lot because I don't want my children left alone with their sister. I don't feel like they are safe left unattended with her.
Please help! I'm at my wits end. I've been battling with this for so long. I've tried so many different approaches with my spouse. And nothing works for him. He guilt parents because he only sees her on the weekends. Her mother moved her 2 & 1/2 hours away from us. So the poor kid has to get drove around after school in the dark to get here. I imagine it's all a lot for her too! I just need help finding peace in my home. What can I do to regain some control? My toddler sees her sister hit someone and then my toddler will hit too. I can't have my children disrespect me in the house hold because their sister is allowed too
If you decide to keep your
If you decide to keep your own children exposed to this example of failed parenting then you cannot ever be away from your kids when either BF or the spawn of his prior relationship is around. If I had ever kicked my younger brothers (one is 6yrs younger and other was 8 years younger) in the stomach I would be lucky to still be alive. Your BF should have made SD-8 one miserable little girl for that crap.
When SD is in your home interfacing with your kids ... have a paddle ready.... and use it liberally when she deviates from standards of reasonable behavior. There is nothing quite like a stinging cherry red butt to reconnect a kid's brain with acceptable behavior with one extra full forearm swing that liftes her ass off the ground for anyting remotely resembling kicking her toddler sibling in the stomach.
Light her ass up.....
Lather, rinse, repeat.
And.... think hard before having a third child with such an abject parental failure waste of parental skin as your BF.
IMHO of course.
Good luck and take care of your own kids.
Plenty of parents still spank
Plenty of parents still spank THEIR children. Encouraging folks to spank someone else's child is a bad idea.
She is the SM, this brat is
She is the SM, this brat is her child, in her home, and subject to her rules and disciplinary decisions. If BM and daddy don't like having the product of their abject parental failures disciplined by SM then they can keep her the hell away from SM's home.
IMHO.
I have spanked a couple of children who are not "mine" who were ill behaved little shits in my home. Never had their parents uttered a peep about me swatting their kid's rump when I deemed it necessary to enforce reasonable behavioral standards in my home. I also turned one over my knee who punched me in the nuts when I was vising at the kid's parent's home. To this day, half a dozen years later, when we visit with those friends that kid is perfectly behaved when I am present. He remembers me well and pulls no shit in my presence. Interestingly he will follow his mom or dad to another room and go ballistic until I poke my head around the corner when he shuts the hell up and flies right. Both his mom and his dad have commented how well behaved he is when I am around.
I will not tolerate ill behaved little shits anywhere that I am. And I will deal with it regardless of where I am. I have on several occassions requested that an ill behaved brat be removed from a restaurant where I was eating. I have asked parents to deal with their little shit spawn who were interfering with a meal, or movie, etc... and informed them that if they didn't I would. They deal with it because I refuse to ignore it or let it continue.
I am a bit confused by your
I am a bit confused by your post. You indicate this is a BF and toward the end of the post, a spouse.
It is entirely none of my business but why would you have two children by a man who you are not married to, if that is the case here, especially if issues were previously noted? There may be some logical reason, but there would not be one for me, especially with 3 innocent children involved. You have limited relationship security if this is a BF, and given you have 2 kids of your own almost; that would worry me greatly.
You are kind of like a roommate with benefits now, so what goes on with this kids is none of your business. Even if he is your spouse, it is his kid and HE has to parent his kids, you cannot. Before I worried about these kids and their behavior, or even my own kids-- I would decide if I was happy being a roommate to my BF, father of 3; and what example I was setting or message I am sending to all these children-- by remaining in a no strings attached arrangement, if this is the case,.not certain.
We teach children by our own behavior, more so than our words. We all begin there....
Who said anything about
Who said anything about hitting? Spanking is not hitting. Spanking is corporal punishment. Two very different things.
It doesn't matter what you
It doesn't matter what you call it. Anyone who follows your advice better be damn sure they are not dealing with a bio parent who is willing to beat the hell out of them for hitting/spanking their child.
If you have the balls to hit a kid that isn't yours, you better have the balls to do the same to the parent that will be ready to kick your ass as a result.
Though I have never in my
Though I have never in my life hit a child this is not something that I am or have ever worried about. People of insufficient character to raise decently behaved kids are not usually ones to confront anyone on anything including spanking an ill behaved step kid. If they don't have the character or balls to confront their own children on inappropriate behavior they for damned sure are not likely be assertive or confrontational in any situation.
That sounds nice on paper,
That sounds nice on paper, but it isn't true. There are plenty of parents out there (both good and bad)who will fight to the death if you put your hands on their kid.
My house, my rules, my Skid
My house, my rules, my Skid in my house, they follow the rules or they bear the consequences. I would have welcomed the SpermIdiot saying a word about it. That would have been some fun. Let me tell ya!
Rags, totally agreed. In the
Rags, totally agreed. In the SM's home the SM has equal say about what goes on, and who walks in the door and what SHE will tolerate too...if only there, this is the only sacred retreat place for SM!
Thank you for clearly making that point....
You knew this man was a
You knew this man was a useless parent, yet you created two children with him. WHY????? :? :? :?
It is a little late for you
It is a little late for you to consider these very important considerations because now you have brought (almost) two new lives into the picture. Even if you leave, BD/SO will have partial custody and then you really will not be able to manage and control SD, and keep your Bkids safe around her.
The best advice I can give is to seek counseling and establish boundaries, and RULES for SD to follow at your home that SO is on board with too. At this point, only a 3rd party will most likely be able to negotiate this for you all. Or, leave with Bkids to your moms and force SO to see things your way...
Welcome to ST... Only advice
Welcome to ST...
Only advice I can give to you - disengage from SD, you are not her parent and you never will be and know what - no one will blame you for the adult she will become one day.. SD is not your responsibility.
Let DH do everything for her, you do nothing for her, you keep on saying - Ask your Dad... if DH is not there... SD can simply stay with BM, you are not the nanny, simply disengage from SD... she's not your responsibility
Next time she injures an animal or another child simply file a report with PD - let DH handle it from there, he will soon learn how to keep control of his daughter.
You do not approve what she's watching, simply change the wifi pass word and she can't have it, or block certain sites she can not get into....