Kids don't know the power they have over their parent's feelings. Maybe on some level they do, but I think they are constantly testing us and if we cave - we fail.
When my parents separated (the first time of several) I was 12 years old. I could sense the guilt from both my parents. I didn't always take advantage of it. I never tried to force my parents away from relationships with others. But I did try to use their guilt to get myself a puppy. It almost worked. Then dad put his foot down. Man did I lay it on thick. You're taking my puppy away, you and mom broke up. Waaaaah. It was mostly a trick. I wanted that puppy and I called my mom from dad's house and tried to coerce her into saying yes. She felt bad because she left my dad. Said yes. End result big family drama caused by me. Afterwards I didn't feel powerful, I felt guilty and ashamed. Please don't parent out of guilt. In the end you aren't doing your kids any favors. Just my two cents.

The whole issue of parenting from guilt is a biggie in this situation.

Was only talking to my DH yesterday about how the kids need to understand the rules in our house and how they are old enough to be able to understand and differentiate between different rules for different places. We're talking about a 9 and 13 yo btw. . .

The bottom line is that by allowing the skids to do their own thing they will not respect the adults in their lives. Kids can't parent themselves!

DH still maintains the biggest problem is that whatever input we have on the weekends or holidays, they are with us will be automatically undone when they return to her house. This is sad but true.

Whatever you tell these kids, 5 minutes later they have conveniently forgotten it so you end up sounding like a broken record!

My problem is that after a weekend with there biodad my 6 acts more like a 3 yr old and my 10yr old has an horrible attitude. They get everthing they want when they are with their Dad and I think a lot of that is guilt from not seeing him all the time he should. I stand my ground and not give into the guilt and don't let them have thier way all the time I am the parent they oare the kids. It takes me a good 3 or 4 days to get them back on track. Does he not relize that he is just making it hard on them? }:)

Spoiling kids does them no favours. Sounds like the kids are very confused, that's why they get attitude - they don't understand what the rules are.

If you can't talk to him about how his handling of them is causing problems, then maybe you could get the kids to understand the rules and boundaries in their dad's house don't apply to yours.

Why is it all so difficult????!

I can't believe how you have exactly the same issues as we do with the Skids. My SS stayed with us for 3 weeks over school holidays and by the end we were getting on quite well (considering he wouldn't look at me let alone speak to me before that)and he used his manners and cleaned up after himself. He goes home, she makes all kinds of excuses so he can't visit for almost a month, as we had him for 3 weeks, and when he finally came back he was worse than before! Now he won't come at all because he doesn't like me. I think he must have mentioned he had a good time and BM will have none of that! But we try to teach all the kids whether they are step or bio to have respect and follow the rules and they just don't stick when it comes to the skids

Or compare notes, just let me know

My SD particularly turns on the moods, sulks, pouts, cries and talks like a baby when my DH is around.

DH was away on business a few weeks ago and SD came to stay. She didn't act like that at all with her dad gone. It was a blessed relief too and endeared me more to her.

I think it's not just DHs who fall for the guilt trips, MILs are a classic too. I was visiting my MIL on the weekend and SD is staying with her for part of the school holidays. MIL starts saying "Oh, SD misses her daddy so much. Your daughter must have missed you so much..."

I replied "you know, SD saw her dad two weeks ago. We needed a holdiay for ourselves and my daughter was fine." I also told her that 50% of fathers in Australia see their children less thatn twice a year and that my daughter hasn't seen her father in 6 months - get over it! By pandering incessently to the child - you are just setting them up for disappointment and wallowing in false negatives. My DH sees his daughter every week and now every fortnight for a whole weekend. It's a lot more than many, many fathers do or are capable of doing.

I'm over listening to my MIL drone on about the "Poor SD".....