Anyone raising step grandkids?
Hello all. Hope this is the right forum for all this. I've read a lot of the posts over the last several months. It's comforting to know I'm not alone but sad at the same time that so many of us are living the hell of having grown skids who are wrecking havoc on our lives and causing such craziness in our marriages over it all.
So wondering if anyone else on here is raising step grandkids and how you've managed with it all. Is your SO helping raise them? Enforcing rules with their own kids about visitation? Etc....
SD 36 has 4 children total, 3 different fathers, and living in 3 different homes. DH and I have custody of the youngest 2. SD is with their father and this BF is as much a loser as she is (both are addicts, cant hold down jobs, couch surf between his relatives, live in crisis, thrive on drama, etc).
Anyway, the kids, both girls, ages 2 1/2 and a baby 15 months. Older one has behavior issues and the baby a laundry list of health issues and devolopmental delays. Both born addicted. Some days are so hard to get thru with the 2 of them. DH wanted no visitation schedule that SD could hold over his head, so he asked that court orders say visitation is at our discretion. DH will only enforce 1 rule, they cant act stoned when they come to visit. However if they show up and both fall asleep on the couch for 2 or 3 hours DH says "just let them sleep". He says that has nothing to do with them being under the influence of drugs which I think is just his way of avoiding confrontation with them. SD and BF use all that to their advantage. Never arrive on time, sometimes bring other BF family members with them even without asking, blow us off for visits a lot of times and just dont show up. DH really has no other relationship with the 2 older grand kids other than when SD brings them here. Of course her boys, ages 15 and 9, show up hungry, bored and tired. SD and BF manage to visit 1-2 times a month. Sometimes they visit for an hour sometimes they nap and wind up being here 3-4 hours. They blow in like they are parents of the year and deserve a gold star or something. I hate it. Sometimes I leave to run errands but hate needing to leave my own home.
Its all just too much sometimes. I cant stand having SD and her BF in my house or dealing with them at all. DH wont let me give them set times to visit or meet them in a public place for visits either. DH works all the time....his promises to help with girls was just all lies so I wouldnt leave him and to keep the kids out of foster care. Now that we have custody I'm taking care of the girls alone 6 days a week, some help on DH day off but thats limited too. He seems to have other things to go do a lot on the day off. I've given up my career, my freedom, we're broke, and he still wont enforce any rules with SD. I've become little more than a maid and nanny, and have no say in much with SD or her BF. I feel trapped. I love the girls so much and agreed to take on joint custody but didnt realize it was going to all be like this. Like I said, some days are just too much.
Wow. Why are you letting DH
Wow. Why are you letting DH use you like this?
You have so much power - if you leave, he has to give up custody of these kids. So use that power to insist on some changes in how things are done, including him helping you more or paying for some child care, and changes to the visitation schedule.
I'm not suggesting you be manipulative or give an ultimatum, just let DH know that you are so overwhelmed and tired that you are having thoughts of moving out and see whether he's willing to work with that.
Frankly, before they put these kids in foster care with a stranger, they'd probably give you custody on your own without DH, and then you'd be able to set any limits you want on the bio parents, and get help from the department of human services. So DH is actually the one who should be concerned in this scenario.
Seriously this.
Seriously this.
Why did you "have to" give up your career? I think you should go back to work. Yes, daycare costs money, but I am sure you would still be coming out ahead financially. But, more importantly it would give you time away from the home. Additionally, dh needs to step up and share the responsibilities. It is horrible he is making you give up everthing, do 95% of the caretaking, yet giving you no say in important matters surronding thr children.
Honestly, what would he do if you left him? But acts like you aren't important enough to have a say. SMDH.
Anyone raising step grandkids
Anyone raising step grandkids?
Nope. I absolutely would not do this. Never.
I would never do that unless I call all the shots
As DH either helps out a lot or he hires help. Like full time. No one comes into my house I don’t want like SD or I set the times. Or you will pack up and leave and let DH take care of his GK
I think I dodged this very
I think I dodged this very bullet. What you describe sounds like what my life could have become and I am so sorry you are going through this. Please know that you are being grossly misused. Your SD has not dumped her kids on their Grandfather, these kids have been dumped on you to take care of. Your H and his daughter do not care because they are not experiencing the difficulty of having to raise two babies with developmental delays.
I don't want to be harsh, but I can't imagine how you put up with this. I was a SAHM for 2 years when my own son was born. It was hard enough to raise a normal child with the help of my first husband. (It was our decision for me to stay home with my son.) I had my hands full with one child. Trust me, after two years I was quite ready to go back to my career. Two babies with developmental issues - who are someone else's children? Oh lawd no! This is beyond what I could cope with! And neither could I handle a lazy husband, disgusting SD and her BF or being broke...
You need to put yourself first and put a stop to this nonsense. You need to tell your husband you are going back to work and he needs to find alternate child care arrangements. He wanted custody of his grandkids, he deals with their care. End of story. The children don't need to go into foster care. Your husband works "all the time"? He can put in a few more hours to earn enough to pay for day care. SD and her BF are using visitation to treat your home as a flophouse. Put a stop to it. If they want to visit, arrange a public place. Or put a time limit on how long they can stay.You really need to take control of this situation because you are being horribly misused to the point of abuse with your H and his daughter.
I divorced my xH (second H) when the last major argument was around his 21 yo pregnant daughter who needed a place to stay with her BF and their dog... My H wanted his stellar daughter to move in with us... His daughter is as prized a specimen as the one in this story: unemployed, drinks and gets stoned, hasn't worked a day in her life, has no post school education... Besides being a liar, thief and generally horrible person with poor hygiene. Due to alcohol / marijuana issues and criminal behaviour of SD, the baby is in foster care and my exH and his new wife are in process of adopting the baby. I guess your post foreshadows the life they are about to lead should the adoption go through. It also feels like a post which tells me what I avoided by getting divorced.
OP, this is no way to live. Please make changes that can bring peace to your life.
Glad YOU got away from that
Glad YOU got away from that Myss---
We are Grandparents to "MY"
We are Grandparents to "MY" adult kid from a past marriage. Our grandchild parents are married.
All of my bio kids know that my dh and I are not and will never raise anyones child especially our Grand kids.
We LOVE our Grandchild---very VERY much. We wont be babysitters so mom and dad can go to work OR dancing at the club.. And we are not those Grandparents raising their kids babies, toddlers etc. We are the FUN makers on our terms. Of course following mom and dads rules. IF the parents mess UP and their kids is removed from them well then, they better jump UP and over the hoops to get them back. PS and adult kids know, DO not call us to bail you out of jail or to pay for a lawyer when your in trouble because you did something.
Hows that?
Get yourself out of this mess Ma'am....the parent of the bio child MUST go thru hoops and yes pay child support to the state to get their baby back. What you and DH are doing is making it super easy for mom.
BAD decision with pure intent on your part.
JMO
**I have witness many a very good family say NO to what you and your DH have done to cover for adults. Do not feel bad for wanting to have peace in your retirement years. This is their awful situation, do not make it yours.**
Please extract yourself from
Please extract yourself from this life of drudgery and servitude.
All of this is above your paygrade, and you must have a huge heart to have taken in these babies. It's simply not sustainable financially or emotionally, though.
Your H is willing to use you up so he can enable his daughter to continue being a dirtbag. That's the crux of the matter.
These pathetic losers need to lose their parental rights, and those kids need to be adopted by some worthy childless couple(s) who will raise them with love and stability.
My DH has two adult daughters, each troubled in her own way. The youngest in particular has cut a path of destruction through life, including having an out of wedlock baby with a mentally ill bf whose family adopted the child. By the time YSD had a second child, we didn't raise an eyebrow. We've only seen the child once briefly at a party. We've learned that we have to protect ourselves and not get sucked in by a sweet baby because these women use their kids as pawns and a means to exploit us.
Thanks everyone for all the
Thanks everyone for all the replies and support. I think I need to talk to a lawyer about options with having custody, what it would mean if H and I split. And I think I need counseling to deal with all thats happened. Somewhere in all this I lost the ability to speak and think for myself, the level of manipulation is pretty high around here. It's the neverending story. I feel totally defeated in a battle I can't win.
I agree with others that you
I agree with others that you should go back to work. Find a home daycare provider that will watch the kids while you both work. DH should be paying the daycare costs, maybe he'll have to work OT but he should be responsible.
I believe you are entitled to support from the parents if you're taking care of their kids right? Also the kids may be elgible for medicaid, food stamps, WIC.
Plenty of SAHM's out there that would jump at the opportunity. I did home daycare for a few years when my kids were young and loved it. My kids got playmates and I got paid to stay home.
About visitation, I'd advise DH to set up meetings at a neutral location. Meet at Chuck E Cheese's, the park, McDonalds Playland, anywhere but your home. If they are more than 30 mins late they forfeit their visitation that day.
I'm sorry, this sounds like
I'm sorry, this sounds like pure torture. So sorry you are going through this. I know what you mean about losing your voice when you have been manipulated for so long, but at least now you are recognizing that you have been manipulated and can take action. You can't let DH get away with treating you as a doormat in your own home. I also recommend going back to work. You need to get out of that house and start getting your life and independence back. I would also speak to a lawyer. Honestly, if this keeps going as it is going, I don't see how you can stay. I would make it clear to DH that unless xxx happens, these will be the consequences (after you speak to the lawyer). Good luck!