How can a mother do this to her own child??
We have a 1 year old and I have a 13 year old BS and a 10 year old SS. When I was preganant SS calls dad at work crying. When asked what was wrong he says that BM told him that once the baby is born dad won't love him anymore!! OMG!! Just recently we have had a whole heap of trouble and SS doesn't want to come here anymore. Now that we have had all this drama and SS told us he didn't like me, is it any wonder he hates me!!
Anyhow, Hubby has told SS that he can't have dad all to himself as there are 3 kids and me, and he was the one who chose not come and he can choose to resume visitation (bringing with him an attitude adjustment). Hubby hasn't called him for 7 days to give SS some space to think about what he wants to do. Now BM tells him 'see I told you dad doesn't love you now he has a wife and another kid, he hasn't called'!!
Does anyone else see the horror in this??? I have a BS from an ex and I would NEVER say such hurtful things to him, even if I hated his dad and his new wife, I love him and don't want to hurt him with hateful words. Why would you want to break your Bio childs heart like that?? She has always said hurtful things to him and he has to ask dad if they are true just for reassurance. We never bag his mum as that makes us as bad as her, but we tell him that is not true and that he is loved very much. This is emotional abuse as far as I am concerned, does anyone else agree and if so have you had similar things said to your Skids?? And finally how do we handle this when I assume these lies are half the battle between me and SS, and most of the reason he has chosen not to come here anymore?
We went through this, too.
My husband adopted my son from a previous marriage and we also had a child together. My skids' BM would regularly say in front of them that Daddy's "new family" is more important, that Daddy is too busy with his "new family" to spend time with them, that all of Daddy's money is going to his "new family," etc., etc., etc. Would you believe that we just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary in December and she STILL calls us the "new" family?! What a moron! We have now been married longer than they were and he has lived with our children longer than he lived with their children, but we're the "new" family. Must be the new math, I guess.
Anyway, I think dad needs to resume visitation and phone calls ASAP. SHOW your SS, not just TELL him, that he has a very specific place in the family, there's enough love to go around, etc. He needs reassurance and the best way to defeat BM in this is to SHOW the child the truth. Children are very visual creatures, they will believe more what they see and experience for themselves, less what they are told to believe. But definitely resume visitation and, if possible, try to get more. Prove her wrong by spending time with him, doing something with him that he enjoys, etc. Little things go a long way with children. Just be consistent. It's emotional blackmail and it sucks. The only way to combat it is to spend as much time with the child as possible and showing him how it really is.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Rather than say he can't have Dad all to himself.....
Maybe your husband didn't need to bring us that son has to share his Dad, but that Dad has enough love for all.
Maybe Dad could set up just time for ss so that they can continue some type of one-on-one bonding. It's not easy for ss to adjust to other children, especially since he has no brothers or sisters of his own. Yes, your baby is blood-related, but that child is being brought up with this child's father being present at all times. The child needs reassurance that his Dad still loves him.
Biomom is very insecure also. When an ex goes on to have another family, her insecurities also show. She is also afraid of the impact it will have on her child. No, she did not handle it well. No, she should not have expressed her fears to her son. She should have someone else to talk this out with. Perhaps a therapist. Just know that she is also afraid. I know I was. For no reason. But afraid nonetheless.
SS won't come & BM won't help us!!
Thanks for your comments Anne I agree with what you say. The problem is the 10 year old has the say with both parents. SS said last week he didn't want to come anymore, in my opinion SS should have been told by both parents that he is loved and wanted here and that visitation would remain as normal. But BM says 'he is almost 11 and he can make his own desicions now' so she won't let him come because he said last week he didn't want to! He could have just been in bad mood as kids do and this would have passed by next visitation. But hubby only left it a week so he would perhaps snap out of the attitude he had with me, but was told that during that week he could call anytime. Hubby has now resumed phone contact but SS s still sticking to his guns saying he only wants to come if I am not here. Still my point remains that a bio mum should not want to hurt her own kids by saying nasty things that upset them about their BD. I am trying Anne to do what is best for evryone but SS needs to respect me and follow the rules here and because he doesn't want me or rules in his life he refuses to come over. If both Hubby and BM were united when dealing with him he would be a happier child. BM says he can do what he wants and won't speak to him to help hubby out and hubby believes it's his son and he should come whether he wants to or not and she should make him too. It's just a big mess!
Anne's right
Actions speak louder than words, and ultimately, if you have to keep reassuring your SS, he'll eventually see through his mother's bs and come to his own conclusions.
And, it isn't up to a 10 year old to make his own decision... do you have a court order visitation plan? Use it. It's not BM's decision, DH or SS... it's up to the courts, and what the courts put in writing is what should go. So, if you have one in place, use it. BM will be in contempt of court if she doesn't allow you to take SS.
If you don't have it in writing, then you need to sit this boy down and have a very frank conversation with him...
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I agree with Anne that you
I agree with Anne that you do need to show the SS that both of you want him in your life. I am in a similar situation but we're not married yet. The SD is 9 years old and for the past 6 months has not wanted to come with BF. This all started when the BM decided she did not like me. I just recently met the SD after a year. She told me that I had taken her place as BF's girl. She throws horrible tantrums and refuses to answer the phone most of the time. But it is getting better. When this all started I made BF understand that he could not just give in to the BM. He had to prove her wrong and has been doing so ever since. The BM put all kinds of crazy thoughts in SD's head like BF didn't want to talk to SD when I was around and how we were gonna get married and have our own kids and not want her anymore. We are still trying to prove to her that this is not true. BF has upped the amount of phone calls. Asks to see her outside of visitation and so on. No matter how mean the SS is, understand that he is going by what he is told by BM. You do have power over the situation because as Anne said actions speak louder to children.
Also it is so important for the BM and BF to get over their issues and work together for their child. I have slowly gotten this into the BM's by giving her access to an article (she doesn't know it was from me) about negative relationships btw parents. Once the info was put in front her face, she has somewhat realized what she was doing. http://www.angriesout.com/kids4.htm
I totally agree with you all
Our problem is that BM goes with what SS wants and uses one of his tantrums to deny hubby access. He has no court order but I think he has a mediation agreement from 6 or 7 years ago he may be able to act on. At a younger age I know I would be pushing for hubby to just continue vistation but at almost 11 isn't there a chance that making him come against his will might turn him against us even more? At this point BM and SS are not allowing visitation but hubby called him again last night and is steering clear of talking about the 'mess' he's just talking about school and sports and all that. He had to go for dinner so the call was cut short by BM but SS called back an hour later to continue his conversation with Dad, so thats a positive step. Hubby told SS that he loved him and missed him and again reassured him that anytime he wants to come over again we are all waiting to see him. I am trying to put the things SS said to me 2 weeks ago behind me (told me he didn't like me and wanted to see dad and not me or half Brother and Step Brother, and that anytime we did get along he was faking it) and remind myself he is just a kid and my hubby's kid at that. By the way, we try so hard to get BM to work with us in a positive way for SS, but after 2 years we have made zero progress on that one. She and I have never spoken and she has no want to ever meet me. She is a very selfish person and all that matters is her social status.
Catch xx