I am so interested to hear views on this one...
I was raeding an old post about why someone hates the ex so much...on page 3 was this post and I think this topic deserves a fresh forum:
Funny how every ex is CRAZY
Submitted by Ex and current wife (not verified) on Sat, 04/28/2007 - 3:05am.
I find this so amusing, that nearly each one of these posts paints the EX to be crazy and evil all the while the poster is normal, sane, and innocent. HA.
I am the "crazy ex" and my husband has a "crazy ex". Come on ladies...get out of denial...it comes down to jealousy and insecurity and loss of power. The ex still has some pull over your man and we can't stand that! We don't like the ex getting snappy or demanding of OUR men and how it imposes on our happy life and finances. The way the ex's seem to think THEIR kids should take PRIORITY over ours and how OUR man should bend over backwards just ticks us off, but it's all about being jealous and selfcentered. Something women are great at. The evil ex RAISES the child and sees that child as THEIR child and just who are we or the husband to THINK we know best for that womans child cause all we do is give money and have the kids on a visitation basis. We are on the other end of the spectrum behaving the same way about our own kids. It's easy to pick apart the EX, but because our lives get interupted by them wanting their way(our selfcentered behavior) we get on the " crazy ex wife soap box". It's like oil and water....new woman is insecure about the old woman..." Ex woman is picking apart the new woman...sizing her up laughing at the "loser" the new man has.It's all INSECURITY. No one wants to see the GOOD that was what attracted the exes together in the first place, because the good makes us scared that if we acknowledge it MAYBE our man secretly feels the same way and what if we are not as good as the ex...blahblah blah,so it's easy to paint her as a psycho and remind your man all the time of what trouble she is and how crazy she is....it's the thing little girls in school do when they are jealous of the other good friend that your best friend has...they SABATOGE....some/ most never seem to grow up out of that. Nearly everyone has attractive qualities whether they are physical or personality....get over it!! She's a person...your a person and your resentment only hinders your relationship with the step kids and your husband and yourself. You can't be happy if your hating someone.
The best thing you can do for your own happiness is GET OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF IT...let the husband deal with the EX WIFE...it's their kids...HIS responsibility, and stop trying to control your man...he's in the bad position because he has 2 ticked off women coming at him...he's afraid to move....Let him deal with it and if it's UNREASONABLE then discuss it with him. He laid down and got her pregnant.....we didn't. We all need to learn to take our place...only then can we stop being in bondage to this hate that destroys our happiness and family!
My response and veiws on this topic...
I think ex and current wife is being a little black and white in very grey areas. Take me for instance, I am an ex and a SM, so if you think this is so black and white answer me these questions please?
1. Why do I get along with my BS's father and his wife and always have? (12 years now)
2. Why does my DH's ex use the kid to hurt him? (separated 10 years)
3. Why did I (and still do) get along with my ex BF's ex and SS but not my current DH's ex and SS?
4. Why does current BM abuse Dh to SS but we don't ever say a word about BM to SS?
5. Why do I speak civil and encourage Dh to speak civil to current BM, yet DH can't stand her and tries to avoid her and if they do speak they argue?
I think you put up a very half-assed arguement and use a huge generalisation of each persons situation. My SS's Bm is a self-centred, rude, abusive woman with a trash mouth. She values money and social stance before the welfare of her son. I put nothing before my kids.
My DH is not afraid or me or her, he is interested in the welfare of his son and his family. This website is not specifically to bag the crazy ex's but to get off your chest the unexplained reasons BM treat Dh and SM like they do and the people hurting the most are step-kids!! Perhaps you speak for yourself but you don't speak for my situation. I'm not in denial, perhaps she is...?
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
This is the forum for it! DUH!
You know, there's a very simple explanation for why so many people on here bitch about crazy exes. This isn't the site where people go to talk about how great their spouse's ex is and how wonderful their friendship is with the former Mrs. Whomever. This is the site where people go to vent about the trials, tribulations and frustrations that come with being in a step-family and yes, sometimes dealing with an irrational ex is part of that dynamic. People complain here because this is the place to do it. I don't hate my skids' mom, I don't care about her one way or another, but she has done some pretty messed-up things and while I do let him deal with her 100% of the time, there's no way to prevent her shenanigans from affecting the rest of us. So you vent, like we do here, because this is the place for it and because getting it off your chest means you don't carry it around with you, which will only make you as crazy as they are! I'm also an ex and a current wife and I can promise you that I have never and would never pull some of the stunts that my husband's ex has pulled. It has nothing to do with your rank, as in first wife or second wife or fifth wife, and everything to do with how you treat other people. Mean people suck, there are plenty of them in the world and yes, some of them are ex-wives.
Here's your sign...! :?
~ Anne ~
We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.
I agree with Catch22....I
I agree with Catch22....I think each situation has to be looked at independently.
Some of my best friends are and have been exes of my exes. I always got along great with the exes.
Currently I can be civil to my BF's ex as long as she knows her place and stays in it. I know she has good qualities and can be a beautiful person,I even tried to befriend her and invited her in my home and to our family cookouts and such, BUT, she has hurt me, my kids, my relationship with BF,and she has stabbed me in the back one too many times for me to try to "like" her ever again let alone trust her enough to not be guarded.
I do however get along fantastically with my exes current who is my kids "other mom".
I also believe that it's not just the exes that we have a problem with but the way our men act or react to/with them that really gets our hackles to rise.
Jealousy is not as common as people think but more of being mistreated, disrespected, and/or hurt that causes so much negativity in these situations. I also think that goes in all directions, not just from the SM towards the BM.
JMHO
Have a wonderful and blessed day!
Lisa Dawn
Ladies
I believe Ex and current wife doth protest too much. Who sre you kidding Ex? I came to this site for the same the reasons many of these women did. A place to vent, to get it out. And ahve you any idea how great it feels to know you're not alone? To know that as bad as it can get, their are people out there who can understand?
And if you have a problem with site, get off of it!!!
I, too have tried numerous times to befriend the BM, until she wished for the death of my son. That was the straw that broke the camels back. So please forgive me if I can truthfully say that in my situation, the BM is a real crazy, abusive, controlling, manipulative piece of work. Believe me, I would rather have it better than this.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
I have posted this before
I have been married 3 times. The first time to my highschool sweetheart, Second husband was a cheat, and to my current and last husband. I was the BM in the first divorce situation and found that his current wife and I really hit it off. We were both really didn't like each other at first. We had many fights over this man. We discovered it was what the BF was telling both of us to make us both insecure about each other. He would tell me how pretty and sexy his new woman was and tell her how sweet and innocent I was. Come to find out we were alike in a lot of ways and 25 years later we still the best of friends. He has remarried 2x since and both new ex wives hated me and I never once called him or bothered him at all. I know it is all because of things he tells them for instance even after all these years I am still after him. Come on he looks like a buddah with the fat belly and bald head and I have raised my kids by myself!!! Why in the HELL would I want HIM back?? He did nothing for us. I still care about him because he is the father of my children but that is where it ends. I have a husband I love very much. I have no contact with him anymore. His current wife is so jealous of me and my grown sons it is almost like she wishes we didn't exist. I know this is only him making her feel insignificant. I really feel for her. I know what she is going through,
Now about my second husbands ex wife. I was the new SM in that situation but she had a healthy attitude about Step parents and she is very close to her own SM. When I married BF in that situation her child support got raised and we paid for half of everything dealing with SD. Not by demand of BM but because we wanted to. Well Second ex husband cheated on me with several other women and that was the end of that marriage. BM warned me!!! I am still best of friends with both of these ex wives. I didn't seek out to be friends it out it was just the way it is. In both these cases my ex husbands had great taste in women. We just had bad taste in men.
Now I have 3 step children who live with DH and I. My DH told me straight up how his ex is a nutcase and how manipulative she is. He warned me. Knowing my background I was skeptical thinking here is another case of a man bashing his ex. Well guess what he is right. She is a manipulative nutcase and will do anything and everything in her power to destroy our home. He has done nothing to cause her to be the way she is because it was her that cheated on him and ran off with another man and moved to another country.
Now to make this clear there are a lot of women out there that are both SM's and BM's. There are a lot of nut cases and from what I have read in this website there are a lot of BM's that overstep their boundaries as an ex wife and try to run BF's household. Each case is different and you have to look at each case. I am speaking out of experience here, look real hard at what BF is telling the BM. He might be throwing you in her face making her feel like dirt and turning around and doing the same to you. My first ex made me out to be the crazy ex wife that wanted him back to his current wife at the time when if fact it was HIM trying to get ME back. I was very young and only wanted to keep our family together so for a short time I thought he was sincere. The anger she saw out of me was me catching him in lies and finding out he was with her and me both. He in fact was trying to have us both!! Neither one of us knew what he was telling the other.
Look at your situation and trust your gut instinct. Don't go into a situation with your eyes blinded by love for your BF or DH. If something doesn't add up you will know. My instinct told me all along what was going on. I should have never married the first 2.
My take on it?
I find this so amusing, that nearly each one of these posts paints the EX to be crazy and evil all the while the poster is normal, sane, and innocent. HA
It's not amusing, it's the truth. This site does not represent the whole of the step-parenting community. This site represents those of us who have problems, concerns, troubles, worries, etc. that we come here for help with.
I think what you should find amusing (read: sad) is that all of us "normal, sane, and innocent" are the ones reaching out for help to deal with our problems, while the "crazy and evil" ex wives continue to rationalize their immature, vindictive, and irrational behavior through any means necessary to perpetuate these problems that we have. Isn't that just suitable that we'd so easily fit into these definitions that this person sarcastically pointed out? Isn't it convenient that in trying to be ironic and condescending, she actually hit the nail right on the head?
Now granted, I am speaking in very broad and general terms, but so is this poster. Not every step parent has to deal with the stuff that we deal with on a daily basis. And congratulations to them. I only wish that some of us could someday be lucky enough to have so few problems to be able to get along without the aid of this site. But those of us who are not so lucky, come here to vent. It is not "funny" to point out that we are using this site for its intended purpose. It is not "teaching us" anything to chide us for our behavior when we're only asking for help. Taking an elitist, holier-than-thou stance on step-parenting is not helping anyone. Maybe it works for you, but for us, we come here.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
OK
The last para of your post made perfect sense BUT all the crap about being insecure etc etc. er no!
Basically, if the silly cow would just GROW THE HELL UP and join the adults we wouldn't have to sufer her.
Only a devious, twisted, selfish bitch behaves the way she does - and i've listed the behaviours enough here, don't need to go over it again.
Bottom line - what kind of woman (and I use the term losely) puts her own kids through that????
End of!
I'm both an EX & SM
I have & will continue to live on both sides of the fence. I realize in some cases, insecurity, jealously, bitterness & resentment fuel many of the issues that are posted here. We have all felt the mentioned feelings from time to time, but that doesn't make us guilty of anything, just HUMAN!!! But, on the other hand, some of the stunts that EX's pull with regards to kids, visitation & $$$, not to mention un-necessary phone calls, emails give CRAZY EX'S" the reason they are called CRAZY EX'S. Not to mention the component the MAN in the middle plays in this situation. Let's face it, the EX can be CRAZY but the DH is beyond reason...he usually never helps the situation because he is so damn conflicted about the whole situation & CAN'T get over the GUILT of the divorce/break up. This is a forum for all & a place to vent. Please don't take us to task for our feelings based on personal & individual circumstances.
Well...
I admit that I have been very jealous of BB. She is pretty, she is the mother of the man I love's (loved) child, and she has a seemingly perfect life. There are still times that I think of her or look at her and feel pangs of envy.
And then I smack myself back into reality...I am pretty too. I have a beautiful DD, not with DH, but with someone else who, quite frankly, is like winning the genetic lottery in comparison to DH. And from the oustide, my life looks very nice too. And of course I would NEVER let HER know that it's not. So...you just never know what someone else is dealing with.
However, all that aside...it doesn't make her any more or less of a BB. It is her actions that make her a bitch. Now, is it possible that my reaction to her shit behavior is influenced by my feelings about her? Sure. But I do NOT talk to her, email her, write her notes, etc. We have NO contact. I do not give her reason to get pissy, she just IS naturally pissy. And from what DH tells me...she does not have the kind of life that she wanted. She never wantd kids, and now she has 2. She is married to a bit of a religious zealot (no offense to anyone...I have no problem w/ religion, but this dude goes around quoting the bible in inappropriate situations, calls us "evil" because we aren't of his religion...it's freaky), she has physical attributes that I would be very upset to have (the boobs are a bit enviable; the fat rolls under them are not), and that's just the icing. She's a nasty, mean, miserable liar and my DH is warped and nuts to have EVER had a child with her after knowing all of this. So for me...they deserve each other and I am just glad to be done.
There's nothing wrong with venting...it doesn't cause the BM to act differently. And many of us can admit to jealousy, I'm sure. It's human nature. When the person you love had a bond with someone else, a human being that will always represent their unity...it's hard. A lot of emotions come into play. There's no cut and dry way to act. You just get through how you get through...any this place is as good as any to unleash so that we DON'T take it home.