Husband Does Not Discipline Daughter
I have been remarried to an amazing man, who I adore with all my heart, for the last 18 months. He has an 11 year old daughter who we shared 50/50 custody with for the first 8 months of our marriage. She has since moved out of State and she is with us on Holidays, extended long-weekends and during the entire Summer. I have two sons, 5 and 15 that live with us full time.
Since the day we got married, she has had some obvious issues coping with the new marriage, and has been outright resentful of me. There has been some awkardness on both our parts. I am willing to accept that. However, over the past 18 months she has stepped on my feet, pushed me (jokingly per her), stuck out her tongue when her dad isn't looking, rolled her eyes at me when I speak or ask her to do something, pushes by me to get in front of me and in between her dad and I. She has pulled our hands apart so she could hold his hand. If we are sitting next to each other, she'll come sit on his lap and lay across him, basically pushing me away. At meal times, occasionally, I will ask her if I can get her food for her, and she says no, she isn't hungry and then 2 minutes later when her dad shows up, she tells him she is starving and needs something to eat. If I cook, there are times she won't eat it, even if its her favorite food. She has blocked my path going up and down on the stairs so I couldn't get by. After all of these occasions, I have asked my husband to talk to her about her behavior, or discpline her. He never has. He "can't find the time", "forgets", etc. He stalls until its too late to do any good.
Additionally, we have set rules in our home for behavior and what is allowed and not allowed. He holds fast and hard to these rules when it comes to my boys. The minute the SD arrives, all of the rules become gray and he doesn't care quite so much because he doesn't want to have to have them apply to her. He has had a long standing rule that none of the kids eats in his new truck. He has gone so far as to let my 5 year old cry in the backseat because he was hungry and I had to take away his cookies. Yet, when the SD arrives, she has been allowed to eat popsicles in the back seat in front of the kids. After not understanding why I am upset; and arguing, he realizes that the rule should change because he doesn't understand why she can't eat in the backseat.
To me its blatantly unfair to me and the boys. He would never allow anyone to disrespect me. Except for his daughter. We have had some serious argumetns over this and some good talks. He has admitted that he does tend to change the rules for her, but "doesn't know why". I say its out of guilt, trying to out-parent his ex-wife, and he doesn't want her to be upset with him. Its ridiculous and extremely difficult to handle.
Anyone in a similar situation? Advice is appreciated...
Been There, Still Doing That
I don't know what's worse... your husband's reaction or mine.
Our problems are very similar. I have 2 biokids (12&14) and a sd(15).
We have been together since she was 5 and it has never been easy. I expect good behaviour from all the children and they know that there is consequences for their actions..isn't that what parenting is all about.. preparing them for an independant life. Unfortunately my sd is under the impression that she is a princess and she can do and say anything she likes(she is extremely spoiled and coodled. Her parents had never taken her to task for anything and as a result, at the tender age of 14 she's already dealt with drug addiction, stolen 2 cars and broke into a friend's house. She has never displayed any kind of empathy or regret for her actions (except in court) and I believe that she could be a borderline sociopath.
Two years ago, before all the really bad crap started happening, I had a bit of a breakdown and told my husband that I was going to go get help for myself and he said he wanted to go too because he knew he needed help dealing with his daughter.
Over the years prior to this, we had many, many discussions about this and he always agreed with me about the problem but never took the steps necessary to deal with it. Well, after 18 months of couselling he still understood everything intellectually but it didnt naturally follow that he would respond to her appropriately.
I dont understand why he couldn't be the father that she needed him to be and now he is heartbroken over his daughter and the delinquent she has become.
Biomom is an absolute moron and when she and sd get together its like two 12 year plds relating to one another...this sick b**** has smoked dope with my sd when she was 13 and encouraged her to have an online relationship in order to get her off her back over the biomom's own twisted adventures on the internet.
The only person trying to provide any kind of structure and guidance in my sd young life was me and of course I am THE MOST EVIL SM IN THE WHOLE WORLD... a label that the bm gleefully endorsed actively and my husband endorsed passively by his lack of action.
The only thing I can tell you is that talk is cheap and meaningless and you have to hold your husband accountable for his actions (just like a child)
Well said KeeKee
The one thing that I would add is that everyone should be accountable for their behaviour, child or adult. That is what life is all about. There are reasons for behaviours but not excuses and when that behaviour hurts someone else, their are always consequences, some apparent and some not so apparent.
Don't you ever wonder?
Isn't it amazing that you need a licence to drive a car but you don't need anything to be a parent...probably the most sacred trust in the world...and the damage of prolonged poor parenting has far reaching affects, sometimes for generations!
Thankfully
We have not progressed into any legal problems with the kids, or that type of behavior. I can understand how that could happen though when there is complete lack of consequences for your behavior growing up. I wish you the best and hope some changes come about. I have talked to my husband about this stuff until I am blue in the face. I think he kind of understands and is trying to "get it". Unfortunately, in his eyes his daughter is perfect. She doesn't need discline and wants her to be happy and do as she pleases. She went to camp in June and there is a rule of no cell phones. Cell phones are to be confiscated until the end of camp if they are found. Instead of requiring her to follow the rules, he was actually condoning her taking it and just hiding it in her bag. He told her to put it on silent and look at it only when no one was around. I told her was not helping her and only showing her AGAIN that the rules don't apply to her and there are ways around everything. I worry very much for her when she grows up and find the real world much different. She is not going to be a happy camper.
My BF does this with his daughter
My BF does this with his daughter...anything she does is fine. I can empathize with you.
My husband is great and I
My husband is great and I really love him but I'm at my wits end. The SD has repeatedly disrespected him but he still sees her as perfect. I have a 22 year old in college and a 12 year old. I think I raised my children very good, because I stand for no disrespect at all. The SD has never disrespected me but she has stolen his vehicle and 2 months later he bought her, her own car. She has cursed at him, and even hit him. I had to ask her to leave after the physical violence, but he stills caters to her. The problem is now that even though she is out of the house. She sometimes asks him to watch her daughter, she is 20 and her child is 4, but the problem is she is always late coming to pick her up, I'm talking 3 to 4 hours late. He still will not talk to her about it which infuriates me, but instead of him getting mad with her he stop talking to me, it has now been 6 six days now and he hasn't said a word. I'm losing it.....
Like I just figured out..
It is a no win situation.. You can win with a father and his children. I would say that if he wants to keep his grand child and she is always late start doing things to make yourself unavailable (if you are helping).
You are not asking to much from him. If that girl was old enough to lay down and have a baby she is old enough to take care of her. Just wait till she turns 21 and is old enough to be at bars? What is going to happen then.
Men have this glassy eye when it comes to there daughter.. My ex has it with our daughter.. We even got into a arguement because I told him you let her do whatever she wants, say whatever she wants.. And he was angry but he kinda put his foot down.. Its crazy..
I think I will call my mom and tell her I love her..
One thing to think about
is maybe another reason why de doesn't confront her about being punctual could be because of the safety of his grandchild. My dh comes from an insanely dysfunctional family, where you can't trust the safety of your children with in-laws. My sil was 28 when she had her son, and at the age of 30, and going through a divorce she decided to be 21 again. She would ask us to babysit her 2 year old and always said she would pick him up at 11:30 p.m. or so, well what she really meant was 5 or 6 a.m. the next morning.
I never b*tched about it to my dh b/c I looked at it like she would just find another person with a pulse to watch our nephew and I just couldn't put my nephew in danger like that. I know that it isn't my responsibility to raise my nephew, and his mother didn't need to be at a bar 5 nights a week, but I knew that if I didn't babysit, that little boy was going to be left with anyone breathing b/c mom certainly was not going to grow up and take care of her own child anytime soon.
I know that there are other issues regarding your dh and his daughter, but she isn't going to grow up and take care of her child when she really needs to...it sounds like she just had a baby way too young (not that that is an excuse to pawn your kids off...I just mean that it is reality for your sd).
I have many many issues with my sil, but when it comes to babysitting my nephew, I will do it, even though I really dispise my sil (I would even say I hate her), but I only do it b/c I really care about my nephew and I can't dream of letting him be supervised by some of the complete low lifes my sil hangs out with. She hangs out with nothing but low class people which scares me for my nephew...and that could be a reason why dh won't confront her on this issue.
Your not alone...
I wish I knew why these guys do this with their daughters.....
You're not alone...you have my empathy but I have no solution....
Devasted
I read your post and it sounds like you are living her in my own home. Unfortunely I cannot offer you any guidance, I came here seeking some myself. I have been putting up with nasty behavior from my SD for 3 years now and her father excuses all her behavior away...she is only here on weekends...she doesn't know any better...I don't know what to do...i have to think about it (then 2 weeks later when she comes for a visit he 'forgets'). It is ruining my marriage. All I keep hearing is that she is a child (now 16) and I am the adult and I should just let it be. He has never made her apolgize for lying about things I have done, calling me names or disrupting and ruining our home life - he says he can't make her. I am beginning to feel that I am not significant enough in his life...actually I have been that way for quite a while. As my subject states, I am devasted.
Hmmmm...
I am glad to hear that I am not the only one dealing with this... But saddened to know that it is happening to others. My husband says "at least she (SD who is 16) isnt out having sex and doing drugs and getting in trouble." Oh ok. As long as she's not doing that, then she can treat me however she wants. Great! Now that we've cleared that up.....
This same thing happened to me.
My husband was the same way with his kids...always excuses for behaviour. One time when his son was really acting out and lived at his daughter's for a week, his ex actually came to this province to have a meeting with them. So he, his ex, his son and his daughter met to discuss his behaviour. They came up with a plan without my presence. Nothing was ever mentioned again and there was no apology before he came back to our home. It was very upsetting and demoralizing to me as the female parent in the home. Eventually I could not cope with this anymore because I felt invisible.
I wish you peace with this. Sometimes it is so hard to believe that something like this can happen with someone who made a commitment to love.
This is a touchy subject
This is a touchy subject with my hubby as well... We ended up in counselling which enabled us to dig deep into our feelings and why we act (or don't act) the way we do...hidden feelings/motivations ..that kind of thing. I highly recommend Counselling to anyone whose feeling like they've run out of solutions. I was a real skeptic until I tried it.
Many other of the ladies on this site ...will rave about the benefits of seeing a counsellor...and are the happpiest they have been in a while. Rekindled the bond with their husbands...
It can be done...!! Counsellor may be the next step...if your ready to try it. what do you have to loose!
No answer either
I wish I could offer up something positive too but I'm in the same position, I find my husband's inability to discipline only makes me resent or dislike my SD even more. For example, we have 50/50 custody and my SD13 is expected to do dishes here on our days, she doesn't have many chores except keep her room clean (which she never does) and dishes. Well, last Tuesday night I made dinner and then it was time to do dishes, so SD throws a tantrum, says she's not doing the dishes, tries to throw food over me (as a joke apparently) and calls me her dad's servant. Naturally I was very annoyed by this and told her sternly to get the dishes done, my husband meanwhile saw and overheard all this and said nothing, when I go after him into the living room I ask him why he failed to lend any support to me and he says "I thought you had it handled" as we're discussing this SD comes in and says she's finished to which point my DH says "what's with the attitude towards Cindy?" Now some of you might think well at least he addressed it but in actual fact this only made me more annoyed because what he was really doing was telling SD that I had just been complaining to him and he felt obliged to try to make it right between the two of us when really he should have taken charge when it happened and let her know that kind of behaviour wouldn't be tolerated. She's such a spoiled brat I sometimes can't stand to be around her and my DH thinks the sun shines out of her a**. I agree with whoever said above that dads can't discipline daughters because somehow they fear daughters will then favour the mom. Step up dad and be a responsible parent please!!!!!
I don't know how helpful
I don't know how helpful this essay is, but certainly interesting to read, so I thought I would share.
www.steptogether.org/disengaging.shtml
Sometimes they just don't see it
Same situation with me and my husband and his eldest daughter. She almost seemed to be competing with me, as if I had taken her place, not her mother's. I was lucky, though, in that I talked to my husband about it and he agreed that her behavior was inappropriate. He hadn't really thought about how it looked from my perspective before, he just didn't see it. When I told him what was happening and how it made me feel, he said, "Gee, you're right. Why didn't I see what she's been doing?" We sat down together and talked with her, told her that we both love her very much and that she is an important part of our family. But we also reminded her of what behavior is okay for a daughter and what behavior is okay for a wife, whether that wife is me, her mother or someone else. She just felt threatened, I think. I spent some extra time with her on my own and eventually won her over. (Until she became a teenager, that is. Now I'm the bad guy again.)
~ Anne ~
OMG This just really hit home for me
I too am a step parent to two children sd age 16 and ss age 10. I've always had a closer bond with my step son, he went through alot in his young life, and he is my boy. I also have 2 bio daughters ages 4 and 8, plus my husband and I have one son together age 2. From the moment these kids came into my life at ages 12 and 7, I never looked at them as my step kids. To be honest I hate that word, they were my children by heart. My oldest son has never been a problem at all. Now the sd YES. For one they flew here from Guam, and I was really irritated because my husband would never discipline her at first. It drove me crazy. Then with her running her mouth at 13 my husband I split up briefly in the summer of 2004, while I was pregnant with my son. The reason because his daughter did not like me. I told him point blank you need to decide if you are going to live your life and be happy, or just do whatever your daughter says because you want to be her friend rather than a Dad. Things worked out in my way, when he and my boy moved back home less than a month later. She didn't want to live with us, so she went to live with her uncle and aunt in the next town. Pretty soon she started her mess, doing bad in school, getting in trouble with the principle, and causing problems with her aunt and uncle relationship, so they sent her back. The only reason I let her move back home was because her mother was supposed to be taking her back to Guam. We all had a change of heart and she decided she would like to be a part of our family. We never wanted her not to be, as much as I went through with her in our first year together, I still loved her and thought of her as my own. I didn't expect for her to get straight A's just to pass her classes, and she knew if she had an F that was a week of grounding. My husband would never stick too it. Until she copied a report card with passing grades, to cover up the failing ones. Then left it at the movie gallery and they called us, saying hey we have your report card. Then the skipping school, plus more failing grades, finally my husband started sticking to the grounding. Then we moved from Tx, to Arkansas. It was like we were starting all over again with her. At this time she was 15, we knew she had tried marijuana, and figured with the move, things would be better. They got worse. The lying, disrespecting me, not coming home on time, not calling, failing almost all of her classes, not bringing her report card home, not telling us when parent teacher conferences were, and yes the drug use again. It came to a close when we found rolling papers, visine, empty alcohol bottles, and other drug related things in her room. That she also shared with her younger sisters. Plus she was buying pot at school, then smoking it outside after my husband and I went to bed. She is back in Guam now with her mother, my husbands decision. But for the 4 years she was with us, I thought I was in hell. It was always one thing after another with her, and if I typed it all out, I would have a novel. Is she clean now? I don't think so. She is on myspace and I went to one of her friends pages, with a comment from her saying "The stuff is so much better here, it lasts longer than that s**t in Arkansas. If I could send some to you and not get in trouble I would." I worry about her sure, but it's not my problem anymore, it is her Mother's. I just hope the rest of you do not have to go through this to this extreme with the drug abuse.
I can't believe my eyes....
I swear reading all of these is like looking at my own life from the outside. My husband too won't discipline his daughter. He didn't have the best parents in the world so he has become the opposite of what they were. He is so passive I could die. When I approach him about it he says that "SD is a different child" You're damn right she's different....she's satan's spawn! I dread the days that she's at our house because I know there is going to be some kind of arugement or fight. My DH has also never made her apologize for lying about me or disrespecting me instead he turns it around to make it MY fault that she did. The final straw came about a week ago....we had an argument that is still going on to this day. We have agreed to get counseling because he agrees that "maybe he's too passive" Ya think???? I'm glad he's agreed to counseling even if it is to "tell his side of the story"....we are at least starting a process. After reading Lovin-Life's comment I'm very excited now. Maybe my marriage will be okay after-all.
I still have no ideas or help for you but after reading all of this I'm at least more schooled in the fact that mostly all dads do it. We are all too nice for our own good.............