So sorry for your loss.
I don't recall your back story.

Just wanted to say if BM will be so difficult to deal with perhaps your DH can say his goodbyes without actually having the remains.
Perhaps he can plant a tree as a symbolic living memorial to his daughter. Or some other positive way of remembering her.
Her spirit is no longer with the ashes. It is in his heart and he can find a way to remember her without dealing with his ex.

If he has the means to do so he could even set up a scholarship in her name or some other charitable gift.

Best wishes.

perhaps he could go somewhere that was special to both of them.

Please don’t destroy any hope he has of ever reconciling with his other children by making requests like borrowing her ashes.

Okay you need to realize that he’s not a victim here. He CHOSE not to have anything to do with raising his deceased daughter and living son. This is the bed he made and now he’s suffering, literally, from the consequences. How do you mourn the loss of a woman you don’t know? How do you ask the mother for the only thing she has left of her child to borrow? He didn’t care enough when she was alive so to me this is all an insincere production or just him trying to resolve his guilt.

I felt bad for you, OP. I did. You need to leave the ex-wife alone. Both of you were ok with walking away from his kids 20 years ago, what is so different now? The two of you barley knew SD and you certainly weren't there during her illness. Leave. Them. Alone.

He said his final bye 20 years ago when he made the CHOICE to walk away from his children.

BM respected his choice then, so he should respect her choice now.

I have to agree with the majority....leave mom and the other kids alone. And who in their right mind asks to BORROW ashes? Additionally, stop calling BM names or implying that she was a terrible mother. She raised three kids without the help of their father. SHe nursed her daughter through three rounds of cancer. Her son seems successful. Leave them alone.

My brother died in 2015. He was cremated. I was given a small urn to take to New Orleans as we always planned to meet there when his life hit rough patches, but he never made it.

He had 2 children who were taken across the country by his ex. They were toddlers then. No one in the family was permitted contact. My niece is now 25 and we reconnected because she wanted to know about him. Not once has she asked for a portion.

I suggest that your DH write his thoughts down and attach them to balloons; or maybe a message in a bottle or a charitable donation in her name. This will give him closure rather than starting a war.

Choices have consequences and your husband is paying the consequences of his choices.

He can say goodbye to her spirit and leave the BM alone.

You know most of any cremains are the wood for the casket don't you?
She will not let your DH have access to the last bit of her lost daughter. She only has your word you will not defile the cremains. Would you believe her if she asked to borrow your car and said she would return it undamaged.
Plant a tree in her honor. Donate to the cancer fundraiser of your choice. Leave an inheritance for your SSs children. This is what happens when you detach from children. They have a habit of leaving you for dead. Or vice versa.

DH needs to come to terms with what has happened.

It’s disgraceful how you keep throwing tomatoes on this poor deceased woman’s grave. If you really needs those potatoes then remember you reap what you sough. Just keep in mind a unicorn is not your answer, move on to greener pastures where the gnomes like to cavort.

Good grief Woman! You're the reason a lot of step moms get judged so harshly!! Stay the hell away from BM!! Your hatred and bitterness towards her is obviously clouding your judgement and sending you nuts. Get over it.

Your husband CHOSE to walk away..he left 2 decades ago and was perfectly fine with it. He can plant a tree..say a prayer..do something for her in private. No need at all to go and interfere with BM. Shes hurting from losing her child..surely thats enough to give her respect and peace!

Sounds like you're the one doing all the hounding. Sounds like youre wanting to cause her more grief and suffering. Why? Does it make you gleeful? Giddy with happiness? Your maliciousness is showing. Grow the hell up.

Just stay away from her and focus on your own life!

BM should keep it, your DH did not have any contact with his daughter for a good 20 years, why now after her death, and yes they had no obligation telling him she dies..... he abandoned his children and do not blame BM, there's things like courts to help fathers getting visitation, your DH was not interested... Your DH is only looking for attention IMHO.

And I'm not believing anything you wrote due to your silly attack on another posters block, where she stated clearly her son's Dad blocked her from contacting him, now she needs help for her son and you said she's money grabbing and it's cosmetic she can pay for it herself, the Dad does not have to...

Makes me wonder.... did you force your husband to block his Ex wife.... like that SM is doing, did you cause the rift between DH and his children, like that SM does..... when the bio mum asked for medical assistance when your DH's 10 year old daughter got diagnosed with cancer the first time - did you tell your DH, bull dust it's cosmetic?

be careful what you post, we are not stupid

I wanted to post on a previous blog but the comments got shut down. My son's father did not see him for 13 years. You can bet I wouldn't have been contacting him if something had happened to my son. My daughter's father has not seen her in 11 years and I believe the same thing, if he doesn't want to be around to help raise her, he doesn't get to get sympathy if something happens to her.

Asking to "borrow" the ashes is simply ridiculous. I wouldn't ask that of someone I was in constant contact with.