I'm really curious about what other responses are going to be with this post. We have the exact same schedule with my SDs and are in the school district and on the bus line. We paid a lot of money to get this house and make sure the arrangement was what we wanted.

Meanwhile BM decided to move 40 minutes away from their school and accept a job 30 more minutes from their school in the opposite direction! She also has asked for similar favors, because she is so horrible, I said absolutely NOT as well.

I know if we open that door for after school, it's going to be, "I'll pick them up at 6, I have to work late", I'll pick them up at 7, why don't you just keep them overnight and so on...."

I have learned in the short time we have been doing this, that any deviation in the CO causes problems. If we give an inch, BM takes a mile, or two. And it is NEVER reciprocated, ever.

She has been late, needed to drop him off early, change days, etc. One time my FH got out of work late, and he texted her telling her that he was going to be late, and even offered to pick him up at the convenience store across from her house, instead of the half-way point, and she threw a fit, told him that he was forfeiting his visitation time, and she would make sure SS10 and the judge knew.

I say she needs to make other arrangements, that's just my opinion though.

I'm with you. It is a boundary issue and she needs to sort out alternative arrangements for her days.

If your husband was there too I could partially understand it but he's not so she needs to sort out alternatives.

Occasionally doesn't mean every Monday/Tuesday.

Does SD need supervision at 16 years old?

Is there any reason why the 16 year old can't get to her mom's house on her own?

Tell your DH he isn't even there when SD is there, and that YOU enjoy YOUR time without having her around, you'd appreciate if he could enforce it.

This would never work for me. This has nothing to do with SD but everything to do with BM. I 100% agree with you. And you are not the evil stepmom. BM is taking advantage of you.

In short, is BM taking advantage of the fact that this is more convenient for her? Yes.

Does that mean you shouldn't allow it and insist that DH set a boundary with his EX?... not necessarily under certain circumstances.

Here are the circumstances in which I would allow this to happen... basically in a nutshell, it would have to be "no skin of my nose".

So.. is the 16 year old self sufficient? Can she be at your home with zero supervision or in fact be totally alone in the house without an adult present? Is she respectful to you. If the answer is yes, I might try to separate my aggravation with BM taking the easy way out from the fact that this in fact isn't causing me any grief and in fact may be something that is better for the SD. Is this is something that in the end is benefiting the child by not having to sit at school or do other transportation arrangements that would be a hassle for her (girl not ex).

In other words..if the girl doesn't need "watching" then you aren't watching her... she is merely in the home... maybe at the same time you are. She is your husband's daughter and ostensibly you are ok in each other's presence. She considers this also her home since it's her dad's home. You don't need to adjust your schedule at all for this.

If the girl is a problem, doesn't listen, creates messes and is rude, you have a right to tell your husband that you don't want the responsibility of watching her while he isn't there..so on these days.. if he wants her there.. he can be there too.

I'm totally with you J. Austen!! BM here takes advantage at every turn and DH just lets is happen. Read my post about the 6am drop off!

Ugh ugh ugh! This is where step life really sucks!! No one wins here.

As a SM …. I would be out of my mind if SS was at the house every day that was not “ours”. And I would feel exactly like you do. As a SM, you will look like a butt if you say anything.

As a bio parent…I would not tell my kid they could not come to my house just because it was not “my” day. So bio parent looks like a butt if they say anything.

No win situation. Except for BM!

"BM, it appears it is difficult for you to get SD from school during the week. How about we change the schedule to her living with us full time and living EOWE with you? You'll need to pay CS, of course, but it would be more consistent for SD. She won't have to stop doing homework midway through, she'll have a routine, and you won't have to worry about school. Otherwise, you need to pick her up from school. I'm willing to let her stay one extra afternoon per week to help you out, but you need to figure out the other days. Which option do you prefer?"

This is a pickle. I see both sides.

This is also why I have to wonder how does someone move away and think they can have 50/50. She was not thinking of her kitchen she did that.

Here's the thing, there aren't a lot (any?) Of options for a 16 year old after school. Dad has what he wants - his daughter attending the school in his district.

My husband has the same. Part of that, for us, is (was) providing somewhere for the kids after school. Because they need somewhere to go, and there was very minimal options for his ex to send her.

This meant I, as a stay at home mom, had his kids in the house for a few hours every day. That was part of this life I choose, imo.

BM and hubby use to do this to me. An inch became a mile so fast it made my head spin.

You are definitely being taken for granted and advantage of. It is your home and you’re allowed to feel safe in it and not on guard on the days that she should be with her mother.

I’d stop this arrangement ASAP.

Both of DH's sons turned into monsters by the time they were teens so BM was more than happy to send them to DH (long before I met him). The older one (the criminal gang member) ran out of state after he was involved in murder and was underground for many years before he died. The younger one (by a decade) is the infamous SS32 that I refer to here. He spent the last 3 1/2 years of his minority in juvie for a crime that no one will talk about.

DH lived across the street from my parents during this time, but I did not know him. I tell him often that's a good thing as I would NEVER had anything to do with him when he had those two worthless POS sons as minors.

I bitch about BM and some of the crap she has pulled, but to be honest she was not a horrible parent. Neither was DH. I don't think either of them deserved to have the horrid sons that they produced. I've seen other parents have one child that ended up being horrible when their others were wonderful. DH and BM just "lucked out" and had two who were worthless.

I’ve dealt with this for years. Despite the fact that it’s supposed to be 50/50 our home has always been the after school house Mon-Fri. We’re technically not supposed to see the kids at all on Mondays and Tuesdays going by the custody agreement but that’s never been the case. My step sons are 16 and 9. I go through patches of annoyance here and there bc the kids eat a ton of food after school and we shouldn’t have to budget for feeding the kids on BM’s “time.” However, I know that’s petty and not how my DH sees it (I wouldn’t either if they were my bios) so I keep it to myself. It’s probably easier for me bc I’ve known since day 1 that my husband prefers the kids to be at his home as often as possible, them coming home on the bus isn’t a favor BM asked of us on occasion and now she takes advantage of. I do remember that BM had a relationship fall apart at least in part bc the guy couldn’t deal with SS16 coming in and out of the house on DH’s custody days. This is when we all lived in the same neighborhood. SS freely went back and forth between his two houses and the boyfriend hated it and wanted to take SS’s house key away. BM asked us to tell SS not to go over to their house on our days when she was going to be at work and DH suggested that maybe the boyfriend should be put out of the house rather than SS. She dropped the matter and they ended up splitting up but that was a lot of drama for a while.