Great father crap husband
After my last entry we reconciled and have tried to patch things up which meant me disengaging from the sds. We have been to counselling and he talks a good talk but it’s obvious I’m way down the list. After Xmas I got a call from the hospital major surgery I had been waiting for was to be scheduled. I am now a week post op and home. He told me he was very disappointed his girls had not even been bothered how concerned he was or about how I was ( me - well I was are u so surprised I don’t exist to them unless I’m buying stuff).
I’m now realising my dh doesn’t have room for me in terms of caring and empathy as that’s all used up. The osd has ramped up the past week in her efforts for daddy attention bearing in mind she’s 26. I was sent home 5 days after op with specific instructions to rest etc ( hysterectomy ). The op didn’t go as planned and I can’t lift etc for 6 weeks. Dh had to work 2 days stuff he couldn’t change then he took 2 days working from home. Osd rang last night about going out for lunch today knowing he’d took the time off to “ look after me”: we had a row. He went as when I pointed this out to him he said “ your just trying to get me to cut all contact”. No I want to be put first and I can hardly walk due to pain etc.I had to sort myself out all day no help etc he didn’t even bring me a drink. He went off for lunch, I can’t even bring myself to speak to him. He made me dinner and left it on the side for me while he sat at the table. Last night he basically said the situation was all my own fault I should ignore their behaviour etc. after dinner I needed something from the store I asked if he’d go it’s not far he looked at me so I said ok don’t want to put u out I will go myself - he said fine go yourself followed by your just being a bitch now??? I got to the store and back and then he screamed at me I told you I’d go- erm no you didn’t you called me a bitch? Why are u so angry with me? He didn’t reply.
I’m so emotional right now. Please don’t say hurtful things to me I can’t take it. I’m in pain , upset and thinking seriously about divorce. I feel invisible and lonely
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Hope you feel better soon
Hope you feel better soon Hon...
Now ignore the brats and the husband for that matter, ask nothing of him freaking douch...
I had pillows next to my bed, on the bed I was in fetal position, did not hurt at all if I was in this position, when I want to get something, loll I rolled of the bed, fetal position maintained, landed on the pillows and crawled my way through the house, going to the shower, toilet, getting a drink or some fruit, my son was very young and he thought it was a came... instead of helping me he crawled next to me ..
see men have no brains and no sense, not even my own kid.... if i got myself water he would simply ask... where's mine mummy, or the little bastard would use me as a foot stool to get water.. yes my back .. he thought it was funny I did not..
Just look after yourself, Karma will hit his ass and then we pop a cork and we laugh at him
Thankyou x I’m taking things
Thankyou x I’m taking things slowly and feel like an old lady hobbling about. I didn’t think I’d be so emotional and it’s hard sh doesn’t do emotional support only to osd who phones him 3 times a day. I can’t believe he’d put lunch before looking after me, I had to make my own lunch lol. I managed but if he’d been cut from hip to hip I’d be looking after him not abandoning him. It’s made me realise his priorities to be honest he’s always said the ads are his priorities so it’s concrete proof even a wife recovery from surgery takes the lonely backseat. What makes it worse is he won’t apologise as he’s done nothing wrong , so I get to feel more and more resentful. My friends are telling me to end the marriage for my own health as they can see how unhappy I am.!
maybe you should listen to
maybe you should listen to your friends Hon...
Try disengaging from him at first, live your own life, only 2 things can happen, either he step up as a husband or you drift apart and divorce in any case,
stop nagging him, stop listening and stop asking if he runs like a puppy after his kid, simply ignore it...
and Hon, I will come and break both his knees for you, let him be in bed for weeks and you will not help him, he can call his precious daughter to nurse him, which she will not do, and all you tell him...
I have lunch with a friend from Mars
Hahaha thanks x yes my friend
Hahaha thanks x yes my friend advised me the same nearly apart from knee breaking! The thing is she won’t nurse him when he asks to go to her house to see sgkshes always busy , it’s always meet me at the mall or a restaurant etc so he can pay or buy her shit. She never ever asks how he is lol
I wouldn’t see the point to
I wouldn’t see the point to having a man around in this scenario. Ignore him, take the time to research divorce laws in your area and start setting yourself up for the future. He showed you that you are basically alone in this world. You know you have to take care of yourself, start taking care of just you.
That’s what my friend
That’s what my friend suggested sadly I’m finacially reliant on him until I recover so I don’t have much choice of separating right now
I understand how lonely and
I understand how lonely and awful it feels to be in pain and in need and have a husband who is more interested in his own desires than caring for the person he has sworn to take care of "in sickness and in health." Your scenario sounds much like what my husband did.
That's why I divorced him.
Haven't had a single regret either. For me, failing to take care of the physical needs of a truly sick/recovering spouse is an absolute straw that should break a lousy marriage's back. Calling one a "bitch" for expecting that goes beyond the Pale.
IMO your first priority is recovering physically, next is to get off the he "poor me" train (sorry, but that's part of the issue) and getting out of this relationship so you can live a fulfilling and happy life. Your family and friends already seem to be telling you this based on a previous post - listen to them as they have your best interests at heart.
Best wishes on a full and speedy recovery from your physical ordeal. Even more best wishes to gather the emotional strength you need to move from being "depressedme" to "determinedme."
Thankyou x my friend called
Thankyou x my friend called me tonight and kept saying so what are you going to do? I feel very sorry for myself but realise he’s not going to be some knight in shining armor , that ship sailed. I’m sat here thinking wow I never thought I’d feel so alone as I do. But in all honesty I’ve been alone for quite some time. Being honest he’s left me in er before now to go to dinner with his “ girls” so it’s not the first time. I need to get my head straight and figure out how I’m going to get through all this. I don’t mean salvaging things either I don’t think there’s much left to salvage now.
Lousy Father Crap Husband is
Lousy Father Crap Husband is more like it.
First, hope you recover smoothly from your operation. Its not easy and this is the time when loved ones show you how much they care. The lousy father is showing his SD that a wife does not come first, even post surgery. The crap husband leaves his wife to have lunch with his daughter, when it is evident you can barely care for yourself. One would think that he took those two days off to care for you, not to lunch with anyone!!!
I wonder if it was SD bedridden after surgery what time and energy he would put into that, without SD asking, begging to be looked after. Shameful of your DH. Now you know that in sickness and in health he is not what you rightfully envisioned.
Speedy recovery.
If osd was bedridden he’d be
If osd was bedridden he’d be there like a shot. We cut our holiday short because of one of her hospital episodes ( she’s at the er every week nearly) every time she’s in hospital he’s there like a shot, there’s never anything wrong it’s usually dizziness or heache even ysd and bm are a bit sick of it. Last time only dh went to see her she had vertigo. Her medical notes are in the fourth volume she’s 26. We rowed about the lunch, he said all I want is for him to cut contact etc etc. so I did say fine go but I’m in a lose lose situation because I’ve told him even though I’ve disengaged I would never stop him seeing sds but I am not allowed to prioritise myself either and he won’t see that.
Best to you in your recovery.
Best to you in your recovery. Deal with your DouchecanoeHusband when you get better!
I'm not seeing how this is
I'm not seeing how this is reconciling... I only see you being called a bitch for needing help from your husband. I know that hurts and I don't mean to hurt you, but I want you to maybe see that this isn't acceptable and you aren't crazy or a bitch for expecting him to care more.
Look... You do not have to do anything right now. Rest, try to heal, and start forming a plan, but don't rush like you HAVE to make certain hurdles by specific deadlines. Sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves to "fix" a situation as soon as we make a decision (should I stay or go now?).
It sounds like you have a good amount of wisdom about what comes next. Rest, get your head straight, and plan.
Thankyou that’s what I intend
Thankyou that’s what I intend to do. I can’t make decisions or do anything until I’m fully recovered and back in work but I do have a lot of time to think. I’m going to do this calmly and timely but if we split now I’d be worse off as I’m not earning while not working. My eyes are now fully wide open and I’m seeing that dh isn’t the man I married. I feel surprisingly calm at the moment and my plan is to disengage from him too. He left for work this morning and just said see you later.
I wish you a speedy recovery
I wish you a speedy recovery too. I might have to go down that route and have that same operation - going to see my doctor next month. I can't image my SO doing anything like that. My ex, however, was selfish like that and wasn't capable of empathizing with anyone. If he didn't feel or experience it, he couldn't understand what someone else went thru. I got really sick one time and thank goodness my sister was visiting. She insisted we go to the ER. He took me aside and asked me if I really needed to go. Turns out I had a really bad bacterial illness that needed meds! Take care and let us know how you're doing
Thankyou x I’ve had issues
Thankyou x I’ve had issues for years but recently worse. I was meant to have laparoscopic hysterectomy but my uterus was adhered to my bladder and much bigger and bulkier than they thought would be so I ended up with laparotomy so I now have wounds from both operations. I’m very sore still and get tired easily I’m also anemic so on iron. I’m taking things slow I hope you get some answers hun x
I can’t believe this I’ve just been in the laundry and he’s out all his clothes away and left mine and bs!!! Omg!!!
This man sounds very
This man sounds very narcissistic and seems to be enmeshed with his adult daughters.
He likely isn't marriage/relationship material at all, but he probably did a great job of lovebombing you in the beginning. Narcs can be very charming when seeking new sources of supply. Now, instead of being a compliant, adoring bedwarmer you're complaining and making demands and needing care - such an aggravation!
You haven't done anything wrong, but you have been deceived by someone who possibly has a personality disorder.
You have this period of forced recuperation, so perhaps you could use it to read up on narcissism, enmeshment, and emotional incest. Don't let on to your H, just pretend that everything is okay as you get your financial ducks in a row and rearrange your thinking to expect NOTHING from him. Lean on friends and family while you regain your health.
I really hope you leave this man, but please be smart about it and maintain a compliant facade while preparing in secret.
Thankyou x I’ve done lots of
Thankyou x I’ve done lots of thinking and your last sentence is what I intend to do. I threw him out before in the heat of the moment and I’m not going to do this this time. I’m doing it on my terms and I will be prepared. I’m going to detach myself. Everything you have written I have considered and yes I think your 100% right. My dh when we first met did lovebomb me flowers etc gifts nice dinners.now I don’t get flowers because he’s allergic and the dinners well he does that’s with ads or his friends. Their relationship mainly with osd is emeshed she treats him like her husband for example:- she loses her keys rings sh, she dropped her phone and broke the scream - rings dh to check when his contract is up for renewal so she can have his phone, rings dh to moan about her day her bm her sh etc. she rings him several times a day but he rings her if he doesn’t hear from her. When we first met if he didn’t see her 3 times a week he’d get upset and say he hardly sees her??? I’m going to post excess from a letter she wrote him in another post will make your hair curl lol!!
please see my response on
please see my response on your other post.
I am so sorry. Somebody with
I am so sorry. Somebody with a half a brain knows that people need help after surgery. Just plan on getting yourself into a place where he you leave this bastard