Documenting for custody change
I had started documenting for DH in 2014 right after the CO had been made- I forgot that I had started a notebook! I'm sure 98% is considered hearsay but I do have actual dates/ times of many events.
I stopped documenting for over a year because DH thought that the courts wouldn't care given his past experiences with the GUBM (victim) in court. That poor, poor child has been through some crap- all inflicted by her mother, by the way. No wonder SD needs therapy!
I know DH should do this himself, but the way he was treated, he has no hope in the family court system. I mean zero. He was humiliated, ridiculed, and punished by getting his kid legally taken away. All for NO good reason- other than that's what BM wanted. He "abandoned" them because he moved out and started a new life after she cheated. BM popped out another kid and she provides such a "family" environment.
I don't know exactly happened other than the transcripts (not necessarily pretty), but I have hope that there will be justice for SD. Yes, I have shared my (negative) feelings about her. What stepparent doesn't have those? I also understand that she is only a child and her mom is truly a two-faced psycho.
So, I have times that BM didn't answer or return COed appropriate phone calls from DH. Events that DH was never informed of/ missed out on. Proof that DH was never added to SD's school contact list even though it was COed. Dates of TONS of extra time and even 3 out of state trips that are not required.
The rest is just observations of BM being obviously stoned at dropoffs, comments that SD has made about BM's home (stress, being cursed at, grounded for having fun at dad's/ talking about having fun with dad), and things such as BM ignoring text message requests for extra time when the proceedings were going on and she was in full-on war mode.
4 years after BM got her way in court and stomped DH into the ground, he stopped fighting. Now BM uses him as a free babysitter because she knows he feels defeated and still kisses her ass.
Guess what, BM? You aren't winning! Your self absorbed, entitled, spoiled brat attitude is pushing your almost teenage daughter away. DH will win in the end. He actually cares about his daughter's happiness and well-being without having to destroy her relationship with you and you will pay for it.
Sorry this turned into a rant. I guess I just need to get some weight off of my shoulders.
- I love dogs's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I care about my stepdaughters
I care about my stepdaughters too. They are my child sisters but sometimes I need to vent as well. Sometimes they behave as you would expect someone who is being raised by a borderline personality high conflict GUBM
No lawyer yet. We may be able
No lawyer yet. We may be able to afford one around June. We had a huge argument tonight and he went to bed without saying goodnight.
I was sharing the info with him and how great it is that we have actual dates and events that *could help him get more time later on (maybe significantly). He asked BM for more time tonight and she allowed SD to stay the night. SD will probably be here until Monday night or Tuesday morning because of the holiday.
As I was sharing my optimism with him, he tells me that I need to understand and accept that he will NEVER have access to SD completely until she's 18 and he was being very argumentative so I walked away and let SD and him hang out (she wasn't here when we were arguing).
It wasn't even 3 days ago that he was telling me that we need to fight for her and that every extra moment is so special and critical to be apart of.
Tonight was such a 180 and I'm confused. He said it's heartbreaking to talk about his daughter that he'll never "have". He said that if he goes to court, even with a lawyer, that he will come out with less time than he has right now. He said I don't know what it's like in court and that they will only hear BM's side. Blah.
If he wants more time with
If he wants more time with his kid, he's probably better off trying to purchase it from bm. Seriously. That's what my DH did (offered to keep paying a decent chunk of CS but have the skids 50/50). It worked for a few years, until the skids decided it was more fun to stay at mom's where there are no rules, consequences, or expectations.
We had notebooks full of documentation and every lawyer we brought them to didn't seem interested. At most, your bm may be given a stern talking to about the phone calls. The judge will say Dad needs to get information about school and events on his own.
Your DH is right to be skeptical that any of your note taking will do a dang thing. He's caught between wanting it to make a difference and knowing it won't.
Unless you have evidence that she has violated to CO, or the child is showing signs of abuse or neglect, none of the things you SUSPECT are going to count for jack.
I would stop doing these things. Your DH doesn't appreciate them and it gets him worked up to talk about. Your SD may butt heads with her mom from time to time, but she will never ever, never ever stop loving her. She certainly won't appreciate you "saving" her from her mom.
Just focus on your life and marraige and be supportive to whatever DH decides to do.
There is zero need to fight
There is zero need to fight with your DH about this. Telling him you have and will keep documentation is sufficient. It's his responsibility to decide what he wants to do with it.
This isn't a contest of who "wins" SD. Your DH could do everything right and SD could STILL turn on him and never speak to him again. She could beg and plead to live with you, then six months later run off to BM's again.
That doesn't mean that your DH shouldn't fight for SD's safety, but he also understands the risk. Right now, he can ask BM for extra time, or SD can, and it happens. If he takes BM back to court too soon without enough proof, he'll end up with the same custody arrangement as he does now but BM won't allow extra time. Unless BM does something truly heinous, the current arrangement may be best.
So 4 years of documented
So 4 years of documented extra time (significant to COed time) and dates that SD had meltdowns because of the dysfunction at BM's... The courts don't give a F because they need dad to pay CS for their state profits? I get it. Screw the kids. Worship the HC/GUBM.
Wait, are you trying to
Wait, are you trying to increase time based on the fact that bm "gives extra time" (dumps the kid) or are you trying to prove she is unfit? The former is much more plausible than the latter, but your OP was confusing as it focused on what you think the bm is doing.
I was a little upset when I
I was a little upset when I wrote the post. Yes, the former is my line of thinking. I *assume that if custody was reevaluated that the court may involve SD12 and consider reversing custody and giving BM the tail end. But of course, I think BM is sugaring SD up because of their big argument a couple of weeks ago and because SD would rather be here because we aren't crazy. Now BM has to win SD back so she doesn't want to be with dad more than she has to. And, as stated before, SD won't stop loving her own mother.
DH is renting his kid out. BM has her babysitter AND gets paid for it. Must be nice..
The notebook started 4yrs ago
The notebook started 4yrs ago and ceased any entries for over a year. So what you have is notes for 2014-2016. Useless to now. Why? Because it is old notes (not really documentation) from a time gone long by and is basically worth 'he said/she said'. There is nothing in it "for over a year" giving the appearance that anything in it from the earlier dates had been all worked out.
Secondly, your DH doesn't want to go to court. You can't force him nor can you care more than the father does. Along with that, he must be able to show that any extra time he is asking for is time he will be spending with his daughter... not him working six days a week while SD hangs out with you and/or SD sleeps over mostly the entire visitation at her BBF's. The many times where SD spends Friday over night with BFF and then the two girls spend Saturday at BFF's house with no real supervision and you dropping off pizza for their lunch isn't really 'Dad getting extra time' it's SD coming to Dad's so she can then go spend the visit with BFF.
You would need current note 'documentation' which isn't back dated (meaning you don't sit down and start entering something from six months ago and from memory and not entered at that time. You need actual specifics of CO violations and/or specific 'SD came with bruises and we took photos'. You need 'SD came to us in total tears after witnessing SF whop on her mother and throw things past my head'. You need 'Mother did not allow SD access to food and drink for punishment after locking SD in the bedroom for 24hrs'.
You also need a d*mn good answer as to why these notes are in a notebook and not immediately being reported to child protective services.
And finally, as mentioned previous to you, New Mexico is age 14 to have SD allowed to request which parent she'd like to live with and it may or may not be taken into consideration by the court. So in order to have SD removed from BM in hopes of being given to Dad, you'd have to have CPS involved and there should have been a history of reporting all along. If you contact now over current actions and an investigation is opened they (CPS) will visit the home, talk to the child and go from there. CPS has a guideline they use to investigate (pretty much like a caseworker handbook of admin. code).
Documentation does not
Documentation does not matter. Not really what it does offer is in a round about way, questions to ask opposing side. Mom reports dad isn't at pick up place for HIS visitation.
It is false but she still tells the Judge the kids are crying eow and dad is absentee and he should have sup visits because kids are traumatized over this. So here comes your documentation.
'Isnt' true BM, you said dad fails to arrive on time to pick up the child. BM-YES.
Well bm, dad was on time at all pick UPs over the past 6months and you never showed up'?--Your saved receipts from the Frizz and Go gas station prove that dad was there.
BM will just get a look and nothing happens to her even WHEN she tells lies.
What DOES matter is an arrest and then conviction.
Many of us have watched the same system do the same old things for 20, 30 years. The problem starts with: trying to un ring the bell of custody. Mom and dad break UP mom takes the kids. Boom, she has custody of the kids out of the gate.
THAT is the bell that is very difficult to unring. Unless she is found the street or parking lot in a stupper passed out, cops are called and kids are placed in protective custody. You can only hope bio dad is called to come get the child.
Your best bet is to wiggle towards 50 50 physical custody. 1/2 time with mom, other half with dad.
Unless mom is criminally neglectful or criminally abusive to the child. And/or is a drug addict which falls under neglectful.
I hope your dh and BM can work something out so you both do not end up $$$broke. Because that is what will happen IF you want to 'try' to get custody. Wont work unless kids are removed by a court order.
SAVE your money
" Unless she is found the
" Unless she is found the street or parking lot in a stupper passed out, cops are called and kids are placed in protective custody. You can only hope bio dad is called to come get the child."
Exactly what happened for SS with SGS. BM was passed out under the front yard tree, but she was naked too. SS had his father called by police and neighbor got to hold on to SGS until father could get there. SS lives out of state so the emergency hearing was held and SGS on his way out back to SS's state before BM ever got out of psych eval.