So what other toxic, disrespectful people should DH allow into your home?

If OSD's disrespect was a result of the "growing up" years, I would be interested in seeing how she behaved as an adult. But as you state, she was an adult. MSD put her hands on you?? You mentioned you and the skids not being able to work through your issues. If you believe that is something that can happen, then it might be worth proceeding. My mantra is that respectful people are allowed in my home. Disrespectful people?......no. It doesn't matter that it's DH child, and the same would apply if my children were disrespectful to him (but they aren't - it's the typical situation where mom's kids love SF but dad's kids resent SM).

You're going to be the mean SM anyway, regardless of what you do, even if they lived under your roof. They could have unlimited access to Dad with no barriers, but he had to go and marry someone not in the family. I was accused of keeping DH from a 2 year old's dance recital. I didn't even know about it.

It's hard enough that we SM's only have part of our husband's protection because they still want to protect their poor behaving children. And now you should give up your sanctuary to a toxic person also?

It's the holiday season, and naturally people want all their loved ones around them. One of DH's SD's is coming for Christmas (the respectful one); the other is not. And she would not come anyway. That's another thing your DH has to consider.....just because he reopens the doors does not mean they will all come. Some might. Some might not.

Sounds like he hasn't realized that them coming over generally seems to mean that he can just spend time, and you do everything in the background.

How do you feel about giving it a try?

It sounds like your dh might think you're giving him an ultimatum about his kids... conditional for them to come is that he deals with all of it... which I mean, that's what you're saying... but for some reason he seems to think it's a punishment rather than a normal responsibility of hosting guests?

Don't have to let go.... but let go of the rest... let go of the duties...let go of the cooking/cleaning/etc... let him do everything else, and enjoy your sanctuary... if they're rude etc... just get up and leave, let DH deal with it all

Might be worth the try. I know when I became a stepparent I had to figure out putting on a face, ordinarily I'm a VERY open book kind of person, I'm not going to pretend I like you if I don't. But now I have to fake it for the ex and her family (note, that doesn't mean being friendly or buddy-buddy, just polite, for the sake of the Skids) And on days when I'm on a short fuse and everything that the Skids say seems to frustrate me, I also had to learn to put on a face and pretend it was fine there, for the sake for both the Skids and my DH (that man is lucky he's so cute... lol)

I say you keep talking about it, and only agree to it if he agrees to COMPLETELY back you up, even then give it a test run, if it doesn't go well then talk to DH and either get it fixed or nip it in the bud. However, if you don't feel comfortable with it, then you shouldn't be forced into doing something you really don't want there...

I saw you see your home as a sanctuary, I understand that. I do too, that's part of why after a few VERY uncomfortable fiascos, I even asked for any kind of drop off or pick-ups that involve BM to happen AWAY from the house at a nice neutral location. When she absolutely does have to come (of course most of that is because she lacks time management and I don't want to sit at the neutral location for two hours until she finally shows up *eye roll*), DH gets to wait and watch and intervene before she gets to the home to try and invite herself in again, that brought a shocking amount of stress off just to know she's not going to come in my home. (of course part of that is I'm currently sleeping in the family room, and for some reason I don't like toxic people who attempt to flirt with my DH and love snooping and causing issues in the room I sleep in... Weird...)

Very hard to read your post as it brings home the similarities to my own situation. Granted, I have a lot of peace now but I want to reach out and grab your hand and just say, be strong in your convictions.

I would not try again, but that is me. Your story is your own. Your boundaries are your own but they need to stay in place in order for you to keep peace in your own head.

I guess for me, too many years of gas lighting, anger and finger pointing have left me in a position of finding comfort for myself since I had no support from DH. I am probably projecting this in my response to you, but in your shoes, my best suggestion to you is to stay the course and sail strongly. (((hugs)))

He says "My kids should be able to come here. They should be here."

From what I can gather, when he says this what he means is that You should cook and clean and host his children. His kids, other than the oldest and middle daughters are welcome and do stop in occasionally.

I think I'd just agree with him whenever it comes up.
"Yes honey, you kids should be able to come over. when are you inviting them?"
On x day
"Good, are You making them lunch or dinner? Oh and if I feel disrespected I'm leaving. Love you"

It's so interesting how so many challenges with other people are caused by avoiding having difficult conversations.

I also think so many people avoid intimacy. People are afraid to tell the truth about themselves, about how they see things, to be honest... and are afraid to listen to others.

You can't fix DH's relationships for him. He wants everything to be rosy but he's not willing or able (because it's hard!) to do the work. So he passes the buck. People do. But don't believe him.

Push back.

"DH, I'd absolutely love for you to be closer to your kids. How can I support you in connecting with them?"

Because of course you want him happy, and usually people are happy when they have good connections with others. But THEY have to have those connections themselves.

I've got a 3 yo. We're working on talking about difficult things. It takes a lot of patience and perseverance, but it's such an important lesson.

The skids and DH both seem to think the only way they can have a real relationship is if it's done in our home. They blame not being able to come over as to why their relationship isn't good.

DH and I used to have this same argument.. about the spending the night too. For some reason he thought it imperative that they spend the night. WHY??? I have lots of relationships with lots of people without going to their homes frequently and certainly I don't need to spend the night.

Your DH wants you to have a "better relationship" with the skids because it makes it easier on his lazy self. Exactly like my DH. If I had a better relationship with skids, I could have carted their asses around, bought them gifts, and now that they are older, they could just pop in whenever they feel like and DH wouldn't have to bother himself with making the effort. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

Our situations have some similarities. I've just been married longer than you. So I say this with respect and affection - You need to stop chewing on this particular bone, Zero.

Both of our spouses are emotionally stunted. Not our fault, and not something we can fix.
Both of them grew up with extreme dysfunction.
Both of them bred with crazy, and are reaping the punishment for that.
Both look to their wives to do the emotional labor they themselves either struggle with or are simply too lazy to do.
Both have fractured relationships with their adult children. Due to the above.

As moeilijk points out, you can't fix these issues for your DH. I tried as proxy for my DH for many years, with no positive results. These circumstances, while sad, have nothing to do with us. We are wives, not saviors, and we have to have boundaries because these damaged men would inflict their skewed versions of normal on us if we didn't.

You have given you DH a relationship of loving stability, which is an incredible gift. What he does with his other relationships is up to him. I realize that steplife can be especially difficult during the holidays, but it IS possible to be loving AND have boundaries. As long as we choose to be with these men, we have to be wiser and protect ourselves.

This is very easy..... you simply tell DH

I never said your children is not welcome, I said if they do come over they will respect me and the house rules and you will enforce it...
You and the your children decided it's to much work and they choose not to come over... work on that and they are all welcome