Saturday afternoon, my son sent me a text:

"Can I please come to your house on sunday"

I didn't reply, I let him sweat. I did, though, text his dad that I was letting DS sweat but that yes, drop off as usual.

Sunday afternoon, 3ish (he'd have been home around 5 normally) he sent me another text:

"I don't know if you got my text earlier, but I would like to know if I could come over please... It'd also give me a chance to talk to you"

I replied with:

"I don't particularly care to be around you and your attitude. You can be selfish, arrogant, entitled, lazy and ungrateful when you're at your worst, and you passed your worst last weekend. If you want to be welcome here, you better improve your behaviors."

he replied with "I'd like a chance to be able to do that"

so his dad dropped him off a little later. He had to knock/ring the doorbell, since I had his keys, he had to be let in. When I opened the door, he asked if he could come in, so I opened the door wider, and he stepped in. The first thing he said, was that if I didn't mind, he'd like to sit down and talk...so we did.

He was pretty awkward about it, and emotional, he was trying to hold back emotion, like he had a lump in his throat. He acknowledged that right from the start, he shouldn't have tried to order me around, and acknowledged that I hadn't even said "no" when he asked for the code, but that he understood it to mean no and then "lost it". He said he felt like he was "blinded by rage", and took it out on me. We talked about language, respect, and that there are lines that are just not crossed, period.

I asked him why he wanted to come back - he said mostly, to apologize... and I said ok, and why else?

He said that he realized that if he didn't make amends, he had nowhere to go. I asked him what he meant, and he said that his father made it crystal clear that he was NOT going to be staying with him this week, and that if he wasn't coming to my house, he was on his own. He said he started to throw a fit with his dad, and that his dad told him that he could see why I didn't want DS around when he behaves like that. It stopped DS in his tracks, and he went to sulk in his room for the rest of the day when his dad told him that.

I told him that he had two paths - one, to straighten out his behavior and be able to continue to enjoy family life and what it brings, and the other, to ramp up / continue on with those behaviors and end up losing the people around him. I told him that if it came down to it, I would rather give his dad money to support him rather than have to be subjected to his behavior... We talked about my father, and my uncle, both of which have essentially been cast out of the family because they're so toxic... and I told him that if I have no issues cutting my father out of my life for toxic behavior, as much as I love DS I would have no issues cutting him out of my life for toxic behavior either.... that most people eventually are pushed to a far enough limit that they cut the relationship...because it's not good for anyone. I told him that the choice is his, in which path he takes, and asked him how he felt about that.

He started to cry a little, and said that it was pretty hard to hear that his own mother was willing to give up on him because of the way he acted - and he understood that his choices as to how he behaves have consequences, and that if he continued to behave poorly, eventually his dad would get tired of it too, and then he would REALLY have no place to go.

I asked him what he would have done if I rejected his apology and sent him packing again... he said he didn't know, because he couldn't go back to his dad's... that it would be cold, he wouldn't know if he'd be able to get to school on time, didn't know where he'd get food, or sleep, wouldn't have anyone there for him... he said that though he tells me sometimes that I never do anything (because I ask him to do chores, and he sees me not doing them - usually because I'm in the middle of making dinner at the time... dummy.. lol) he understands that's not really true, because I do provide somewhere for him to be warm, to sleep, food, affection, and all the things he'd lose if he wasn't here with us... and that he's been taking everything for granted, hadn't thought that it could just all be taken away.

He apologized again, and that he's going to make an effort to be much more appreciative of what he's privileged enough to enjoy, and we hugged.

We did talk about a lot more things, the conversation was almost 2 hours, but those were the main points. Also included in there is treatment of his sisters, sharing the household responsibilities, consideration of others, long term thinking instead of too much of a focus on short term gratification, ways to express frustration etc...

Afterwards, I talked with his dad and let him know the outcome... his dad said that he'd ran DS hard all week, and also had talked with him about knowing that even if teenage hormones etc kick in and he's having a tough time controlling his emotions, his outburst last week weren't normal teenage angst and backtalk - and that if he kept it up, he'd be placed into therapy to learn to manage his anger since it seemed like it was starting to get too out of hand for him to control it himself. He told me that he'd played into making DS feel like he was at a point where he needed to make choice - own up and apologize, or tough it out on your own... which in the end, worked as intended.

Is DS scared that I will kick him out? He understands that I would not hesitate if it came down to it... that last weekend was just to his dad's... to teach him a lesson... he knows I will "provide" for him even if I would kick him out for real, but that he would much rather be part of the family than have sandwiches that I pay for... that he WANTS to be a part of this family, and that there is a price to pay for that, which is to behave respectfully - knows that he has the option to live full time with his father if he so chooses, but he doesn't want that, he wants to keep coming to my house too.

After I got off the phone with his dad, DH told me that DS had also gone to him, and apologized to him... that he had disrespected his mother hard core, and that he didn't want DH to think badly of him. DH apparently told him that he hit his own brother's jaw when they were young, for being rude to their mother, and that DS is lucky times have changed... apparently DS's response was that he'd gotten a reality check this week, and realized that he was going down the wrong path...needed to straighten out.

I kinda laughed at that, because of his choice of words... but all in all, it was good. Ex-h and I worked together to scare the living bejeesus out of DS into realizing exactly what was at stake, and that it was his choice in how he decided to act.

DS offered to do the dishes, then he came to watch a movie with us and it all seemed like everything was back to normal. He even cleaned out the cat litter after the movie, without being asked... usually I have to remind him to do it, sometimes even twice... and this morning when I got up, he was already up, had the kettle going, and had started pulling out lunch stuff for all of us. Usually he's just up and half-assed keeping SS entertained while I do other stuff. This morning was really smooth... and I thanked him for helping, that it really made a difference in how hectic the morning was. He seemed pretty proud of having done it.