Just got bombed with "triangulation"....
So...I happened to see a post by Goodluck and her tag line mentioned triangulation >>>>>"The second type of triangulation is a cross-generational coalition in which one parent forms a coalition with the child against the other parent. This is the type of triangulation involved in the pathology traditionally called “parental alienation”.
I looked this up, just a Wikipedia page....OMG....I spent years working through the narcissism of adult SS but I NEVER knew about triangulation!!!! This is exactly what happened and although my DH is not stupid, I really think he was duped into this form of communication via his son. Trust me, he is very responsible for most of what happened, but this is a very passive aggressive, sly way of a narc controlling the situation and because DH does not believe that SS does anything mean or underhanded, he would not see this coming at him.
I have a lot more research to do on this because while I have moved well beyond the drama, have disengaged for several years, I have a need to know what the h@ll hit my life 4 years ago, and I can see that this was tied into it...if I know what it is and can recognize it, I feel like it puts me ahead of the game.
So what do we call this in a step family? Does it even have a name?
- Veritas's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Parental Alienation. See Dr.
Parental Alienation. See Dr. Craig Childress on youtube
I will definitely check him
I will definitely check him out and thanks for the resource. As for the parental alienation, I have read plenty on this site regarding BioMom, BioDad and child, but I have never seen the term PA used between BioMom or Dad, child and step-parent. That is what I was questioning, that particular scenario...
My SS was 20 when his dad and I got together so I didn't focus as hard on the younger children posts and PA...and the truth is, I never stopped to place that template over my step situation to see how well it fit...well, it certainly does and answers SO many questions...
ETA: In my particular case, SS was the control. He dispensed communication to me through his father...here is a quote that I can relate to in my situation:
"In the context of narcissism, triangulation is when the narcissist attempts to control the flow, interpretation, and nuances of communication between two separate actors or groups of actors. Ensuring communications flow through, and constantly relate back to the narcissist provides a feeling of importance. Common scenarios include a parent attempting to control communication between two children, or an emotionally abusive partner attempting to control communication between the other partner and the other partner's friends and family.
A narcissistic person wants to ensure the other actors communicate through them but remain otherwise isolated. In some cases narcissists will use control of communication to drive a wedge between the other parties. This can be done by falsely making one of the actors or groups of actors into a scapegoat for problems that the narcissist is actually responsible for or that are otherwise unrelated. In addition the narcissist may falsely credit the other actor with saying or thinking something hurtful, or may put too much emphasis on an aspect of something that was said to them that ignores the wider context."
SM's communicating with their
SM's communicating with their steps through the dad, especially when the dad is being Disney Dad... Disney Dad is an unwitting party to this when he tries to sugar coat SM's boundaries to the steps...then defends the steps to SM because the steps didn't get the clear message.. dad ends up saying SM hates the kids... kids think SM is a big bad meanie...
Not necessarily saying dad is a narc in this case, but there's definitely some PA going on, granted not as purposely as between the bios and their child.
Triangulation is a prime
Triangulation is a prime weapon of the narc. My mother has done this all my life with me and my sisters. We are now a completely disfunctional family and she is still doing it. Only difference now is that I recognise it as such and can sort of step back and observe it happening and thus i'm not so affected by it.
It happens all the time with Step situations too it seems, but then a lot of toxic BM's or stepkids seem to be on the narc spectrum too. Our BM likes to use flying monkeys and then appear as the martyr and innocent one. There are so many ways for people to triangulate and it's so effective because we rarely clock what's going on until it's too late.
Another good book on parental alienation is Divorce Poison by Dr Richard A. Warshak.
Yep. BM did this very thing
Yep. BM did this very thing this weekend. SO's nephew was killed in an accident and we were having a celebration of life for him. OSD lives 7 hours away, drove up the night before and stayed with BM. MSD and BM have a very rocky relationship and MSD refused to come to BM's house. OSD sent texts to MSD telling MSD that she is a terrible person, blah, blah, blah. OSD is never mean to MSD unless she is around BM or BM tells her to. This works for BM because then all the focus was on her instead of recently deceased cousin on SO's side who tragically passed away.
And sadly, I am so used to BM's games, I predicted it. I just figured she'd get SS involved, too, but she didn't. That one is still perplexing me. She's only spoke to him twice since he moved in with us. Once to tell him she was going to stop him from leaving the state to see cousin in ICU and once to ask if he needed school supplies. Which, I am sure the first one was because she was mad she wasn't getting attention and the second one was because she is court ordered to buy school supplies. SS ignored her the first time, said no thanks the second.
I haven't read the comments,
I haven't read the comments, your blog title intrigues me as I have had first, second and third-hand experience of triangulation.
You see my soon to be ex is a textbook narc/sociopath and he is a pro at triangulation. I could write a book on how he has done this with many relationships and people in his life. He still does it.
The sadest thing of all is that he has pitted his 2 daughters (from different mothers) against each other. My original SD (the one I knew since 3 years old) wants absolutely nothing to do with her father now. Sad but true.
I know nothing about the other SD, who was discovered around 3 years ago, who is now the apple of STBXDH's eye. Based on my experiences with him, I have absolutely no doubt that he is triangulating with the woman he left me for being the mother of his "new" daughter (aka ee-aw)and the "new" daughter - that's just the way he operates.