Need other opinions
I need outside opinions on a couple of issues. I know my views and opinions can be skewed occasionally due to my past with people, so...
First question...my DH was gone for 4 days this weekend on his biannual man trip with his buddies. MIL kept SS7 for him since it was our weekend to have kids and I won't keep him for that long, I figure if he's not with DH he needs to be with is mother.
So, on Saturday MIL comes by my house with SS to pick up a few things, that was fine. Then she goes to his bedroom and starts going through his clothes, she said she wanted to get his clothes that were too small for him. Fine again, since MIL buys most of his clothes anyway. Then as they are leaving she also starts hauling out his dirty laundry to take to her house. She didn't ask me if I wanted her to, she just took it and still hasn't completed and returned it all. I do not do SS's laundry and thought maybe DH asked her to do it, but he didn't. I found this overstepping and kind of insulting. I don't believe she has a right to come in my house and take stuff for one, then decide to take it upon herself to "clean". Am I right, or is this something normal that MIL's and mother's do??
Second...SS7 still wets the bed. He will be 8 in the fall. He didn't wet the bed for a few weeks recently, which was good. MIL decided since he's "quit peeing the bed" that she would buy him a whole new bedroom suite complete with curtains and everything. First thing that bothers me is that he didn't need one. She bought him one a couple of years ago and I told DH not to let him use it until he quits because it would just get ruined, so instead of using his new fluffy comforter he uses blankets that are easier to wash. So he still had a brand new set waiting on him.
Another thing is that he hasn't completely quit, it's just not every night now. He done it twice just last week and DH had told her so. My question here is, should an almost 8 year old be rewarded with a whole new bedroom suite for not peeing the bed? That is something that most 8 year olds should be doing, I don't reward my children for doing what is expected of them, and especially not a whole new bedroom suite. I bought my youngest a set of earrings when she quit peeing the bed...at 4 years old, and that was all she got! Also, should he be praised and told what a good job he does when he doesn't pee the bed? Again, to me it's expected. I don't tell my 8 eight year old good job, she hasn't peed the bed since she was 4! (Btw, there is nothing physically wrong with him)
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Does your SS say why he pees
Does your SS say why he pees the bed?
Lazy?
Scared?
Doesn't wake up?
He has said because he
He has said because he doesn't feel like getting up.
I won't be ok with any of
I won't be ok with any of this. If she needed some clothes, you could have put them in a bag and gave them to her. Why does she have free access to organize, decorate and remove anything from your home? You need better boundaries.
First question is it ok for
First question is it ok for him to be with MIL and not you? I would say yes. Based on the rest of your post his grandmother has a pretty active role and why not let her have some time with grandma? Unless there is ROFR with your dh's EX.. I don't see an issue.
The issue with the clothing etc..
I think you were ok with her coming over and sorting out clothing for him. IN fact since she buys most of his clothes.. that is less money your DH puts out for that. So.. that's a win right?
She does his laundry.. yay.. another chore you don't have to do and I'm guessing his dad isn't doing it for him.
RE the new set. Sounds like MIL has some funds and likes to spoil her GS. I try to not get too judgemental about what other people choose to do with their money. If she wants to give him a ferarri for not wetting the bed.. that is pretty much her choice to do so. Of course, you can again take necessary steps to protect the mattress and use sheets and blankets that are easier to wash when he has accidents.
Though some of this may be
Though some of this may be annoying is it worth the energy to get worked up.
As for the bed wetting. Go speak with a doctor. There are many medical reasons for bedwetting past the 'normal' age. Male sure this is not the case.
Don't punish him for wetting the bed. It only makes them feel shame and causes the problem to be worse.
It would not bother me for
It would not bother me for her to sort the clothing. If she's planning on getting him his new and better fitting summer clothes, have at it MIL. Saves Dad money.
As to taking the kid's laundry, there may have been clothing in it she needed for the weekend. If kiddo wets and she's sorting out clothing, might as well take the laundry to have plenty and also out what kid has and or needs. Might be shorts in it she can match to tops while she's shopping for new stuff.
That also would not bother me. Help yourself MIL, you don't do the kid's laundry anyway. Now if MIL is off and about all over the house and snooping and helping herself to other areas, I'd have a problem.
This? Meh, no biggie. If you need the now clean laundry back sooner than MIL brings it, just give her a call and ask her to drop it by or tell Dad to run over and pick it up.
Somebody wants to buy clothes and wash laundry, I can deal with as long as she minds her manners, knocks first and doesn't tell me I'm a bad SM for not doing the kid's laundry or shopping (and paying) for his clothes.
If you normally handled
If you normally handled laundry, I'd be upset. But since you said you don't normally do laundry for your SS, I'd say your MIL was trying to help DH. My mom has done similar things for me when I've been busy, though she's always told/asked me. She doesn't tell my DH when she does those things - she assumes I've told him.
Since you say your DH said MIL didn't ask him about it, it becomes a little frustrating. I suspect (if your MIL is the type) that it might have been a passive-aggressive move to make you feel bad for not watching SS. I'd probably let sleeping dogs lie (because I've found that the best way to deal with guilt manipulation is to ignore it), but let DH know if it happened again I'd be saying something. Or I'd ask him to talk to her about it.
I don't think you should be
I don't think you should be upset for someone doing something you specifically wont/dont want to do. It's kind of a control issue. If you don't do his laundry in your own particular way then who cares how his laundry gets done as long as it doesn't fall on you to do. I understand its annoying that the clothes haven't been returned so why don't you mention it to your DH that SS will run out of clothes if she doesn't return them soon and once he's out, then he will have to fix that problem.
Now as for the bedding. I would remind your DH that y'all already have a comforter set waiting for SS as soon as he's done wetting the bed and MIL can either keep the new one she bought or take the previously bought one back in exchange but you won't keep them both. If he doesn't want to confront his mother then simply sell the whichever one SS doesn't want to get it out of your house. I am not about the clutter life or hoarding so I would find a "nice" way to deal with it first and if no one moves I would get rid of it myself.
Yes, I will definitely get
Yes, I will definitely get rid of one of the sets!
I guess what bothered me
I guess what bothered me about the laundry is that she didn't even ask. She didn't ask me if I wanted her to do it and DH didn't ask her to come get it while he was gone, she just took it, like it was her right to do so. I really don't care if she wants to wash his clothes, like I said, I don't do it anyway, but I thought she should have asked if we wanted her to.
And we don't punish him for wetting the bed, unless you count him having to put his clothes and bedding into the wash himself as punishment. I just wondered if he should get praise and gifts for not wetting the bed?
I am working on disengaging more and I've gotten better at it, but like I've seen here many times, it takes time and practice. It just irks me to see him get rewarded for normal things, especially when my girls are looking at me like wtf, when he's telling us everything he got because he supposedly quit peeing the bed. It's hard to watch.
Your kids have different
Your kids have different parents and grandparents than your SS has. Sometimes that is hard for the kids to separate, but reality is your previous to marriage bio-kids may not be parented exactly in the manner Dad, Mom and MIL treats your SS. As I would think happens on the other end as well. Don't you occasionally do, go and give your bio-kids where SS doesn't get, go or do? Doesn't your bio-kids have two set of grandparents your SS doesn't have?
It is hard. I understand that. However when blending families and having different parents, parenting styles and extended relatives all the children will occasionally look at their individual actual parent with a WTF? A 'how come that kid got this and I didn't'.
Perhaps you have or would like to "reward" your bio-kids with something or a special treat for getting good grades in school or for being extra cooperative in helping around the house. Do so. SS wouldn't experience the same something and/or treat because it's from you to your kids for whatever you decided to reward them for.
You simply explain to your children that you aren't SS's parent and your kids are being raised by you and your ways. Don't be afraid or feel anything is 'unfair' if you do things for your own children than DH does for his own child. Your real troubles will come if DH and you have additional children together and the parenting of that new joint child doesn't mesh...just something to think about if you're considering additional children together.
Yes, you are correct, I know
Yes, you are correct, I know things are different. Another reason why I'm trying to disengage more, so I can not care about the differences as much.
And thank goodness we are not having children together, I don't think I could handle it. I think DH and I would most likely agree on most things, but I know MIL would still favor SS over my child with DH, which I would not be able to handle. I understand my girls are not her grandchildren, but that one would be yet I know she'd still treat it differently. There are several reasons we won't have a child together, that is one of them though.
Let the lazy brat piss all
Let the lazy brat piss all over MIL's new bedroom set. Let MIL do all the pissy laundry. Let her take over w/ss. If she wants the job of laundress for the lazy spoiled price let her have it. Heck, give her DH's laundry too!