Two pychologist sessions down....
We have done two sessions now, DH is very relaxed and open - communicating like he never would at home; he shows no sign of the anger and nastiness he regularly displays towards me. If I was cynical I would say he is presenting himself very carefully (perhaps as he has had to do twice previously in divorce/child settlement cases???)....
I, however, am trying desperately to help us both - so I am being completely honest. This has involved me becoming anxious when we discuss my feelings about his children; specifically having to spend any time with his children (them being rude and DH enabling/supporting them at all turns).
Of course the phrase 'anxiety issues' has suddenly been raised, combined with my previous depression coming up (oh, and the old eating disorder which obviously shows I have 'control issues')...
HANG ON!!! What is going on here? I suddenly feel like I am sat in an emotional courthouse; and we are not here to negotiate communication terms - but for ME to defend myself against my obvious mental disorders! Meanwhile DH is portrayed as a calm, overworked, over-tired perfect partner (whose only fault is just never getting enough time/emotional space to communicate with his DW as he obviously wishes to).
We then attend a midwife appointment - I mention my mood has been low but we are gettting support - the midwife then starts talking about alerting social services if I am likely to get PND. I am slightly freaked out so joke about my baby getting taken away from me before it's even born.. and she just levels me with a gaze which pierced my soul. I am slightly scared.
Meanwhile SS20's selfish coming and going continues unabated, I hide in my house and lock the doors... and I actually feel like I might be going mad. I keep the curtains drawn and constantly twitch them to see who is here/what threat may be outside. Today SS sold one of his cars and I have just spent 3 hours watching strangers wondering back and forward past my front door. He did actually knock and tell me what was going on and I thanked him for telling me. It didn't make the experience any more pleasant or less anxious for me...
So, the million dollar question is - is it actually ME? Am I the cause of my own misery? Am I an anxious, depressive control freak who is only miserable because her own needs aren't being met? Indeed, DH and SS20 are very happy - actually, SD17 would be happy to come here if I wasn't here.. and I think SS24 and SGD2/SGSD6 would come over more often if I didn't hide (pretending to be ill in panic) every other time they turned up on my doorstep with no warning...
It is me isn't it? What do I do? Should I just leave him? Everyone would be much happier (including me) if I wasn't here...
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Maybe you could keep cameras
Maybe you could keep cameras around and in the house. It would give you piece of mind about who is wandering around, coming and going, and if there is an incident between your husband and/or skid that you want the therapist to talk about with y'all, you could show him the video of exactly what happened. That way if it is you he can tell you but if it is your husband, the therapist finally sees that he is just playing a part for the appointment and then maybe your appointments will be more family based instead of all about you and your past. I do think you should be mindful in therapy. Listen to who and how the conversations get turned towards you and your past issues. If it is your husband who keeps turning every present event into your fault because of something from your past then I think he might be gaslighting you and deflecting all the blame. If this is what's happening, perhaps you should fight fire with fire and start bringing up the issues that broke up his past marriages and how they could be affecting how he's living his life in this marriage.
I do feel that when u have a
I do feel that when u have a new partner a new family is formed and things will have to change a bit. The dynamic needs to and has to change. Perhaps this is why there are so many issues with new blended families because one partner refuses to make changes for the good of the new relationship. I have not read this posters prior post but this is just my thought.
Some very good points Sueu2!!
Some very good points Sueu2!! I agree with most of what u say however when a man chooses to marry he must make some changes and have a priority shift some extent. The skids as well. Please and thank u etc would be a must. I don't believe in throwing kids out of the home either. Lol. I actually enjoyed having my exes kids around. They were not the issue. He was. But I don't believe you can have a successful marriage with one person feeling trampled over all the time. And I'm selfish for wanting a partner to create a new life with me and the kids after marriage. ? I don't believe it's selfish at all.
This poster does need to get her anxiety in order. That could be the number one issue here. But all circumstances are different and it's just hard for me to read post after post of these men basically not working as a team with their wife's. They are more of a team player with kids and exes. It just boggles my mind. Why would someone get married with that mind set? I wonder if it's just best to wait until kids launch before taking on a serious relationship? These are just rhetorical questions that have been on my mind.
These are just some things I'm pondering lately given my own situation. Men also promise a lot but somehow don't seem to come through. I'm learning that actions speak way louder than words !!! Thank you again Sue. Very nicely written. And I digress in my reply of course:)
Breaking through I felt very
Breaking through I felt very badly for you reading your post. I have not read your prior posts but you mention here a midwife appointment so I understand you are pregnant. The stress of having skids that may be quite difficult and an enabling hubby is hard enough, add to it you are currently pregnant so all of that is very hard and do not blame yourself. Having anxiety and being stressed by all of these factors is very normal. Also, if DH refuses to acknowledge any issues or rudeness by the skids towards you, and even seems to be manipulating the situation, this is all very very hard and distressing. I think you need to take care of your health and that of the baby first. I would also recommend individual therapy might be a better option to have someone to talk to, who is focused on you, and where you can have an open and honest conversation (without DH may be trying to get his view across and your feeling you have to defend it).
Although you did not explicitly say this in your post, I would guess that a new baby coming makes you wonder about the future and have concerns about DH and the skids and all. This is all very understandable. Please feel you are not alone and do whatever you need to to keep yourself healthy. Many hugs and support over cyberspace
If you suspect you are being
If you suspect you are being set up, then it is in your best interests to get out now. That way you can preserve the situation as it is and ensure you retain at least partial custody of your baby.
If you're going to take responsibility for everyone else's feelings, including playing a starring role as the problem/victim/martyr/psycho, then I don't see anything changing.
Get some help, but more importantly, help yourself.
I do relate to the 'starring
I do relate to the 'starring role' mentality - I fear much of the mood swinging (that is not to do with hormones!) is to do with calm, reasonable discussions falling on deaf ears or being angrily thrown back at me. I may be guilty of 'overusing' my emotional state... Good point well made!
I don't think I am being set up, I think he is very controlled in how he presents himself to others, less so to me. Usually not a bad thing... Unless we are meant to be opening up to a psychologist!
Sueu2 and Yolo I have to
Sueu2 and Yolo I have to intervene!
Firstly, a huge thank you to both of you. Sueu2 - you have some fantastic straight talking points and many have struck a great chord with me (I am seriously considering moving out, but do not want to sacrifice my relationship with DH or the one my unborn child will have with their father).
However I have to clear some points up, and argue some!
A quick review of 'me' - I have NEVER suffered from anxiety issues in the past (only depression when I was 18-20; who didn't?), I believe that they have arisen as a result of 6 years of being passive in a household in which I do not enjoy living. I (yes, stupidly) held on to the thought that when the children 'grew up' they would fly the nest. I was also living in a 50:50 custody then so could have a week to breathe. 12 months ago we moved into the house(/smallholding) of our dreams, 8 months ago SS(then)19 moved onto the land permanently and 3 months ago I found out I was pregnant. This was when my frustrations/fears rose to bubble over into anxiety attacks.
I named myself 'breakingthroughtheinstincts' - I have always wanted love to prevail and to subdue resentment, hate and dislike for our situations as SMs...
If you don't mind, I'd like to run through your scenarios from 6 years of experience:
"Scenario 1 - A stepmom marries a man, and he and his kids are slobs."
Enforcing chores cannot work when, as you rightly say, you have no place to discipline them or ask them to change their ways. Their BM has been their maid, so they expect you to be - this isn't right and I'm sure most of us have struggled with this. In the end though, you do end up cleaning up after them to avoid the fights with DH and BM turning up on the doorstep screaming. But you hate it, stew and wait for the day it is over...
"Scenario 2 - A stepmom marries a man whose kids don't have good manners - don't say "please" and "thank you," eat with their hands, don't know how to use a fork, don't bathe regularly, does whatever they want with no consequences, etc."
Most of us are familiar with this - and I put myself out to say most of us will have naively been encouraged by our SOs at the beginning to gently parent or encourage the kids to change. After all, most of our SO's have good manners/hygiene or we wouldn't be with them! However SO soon realises that kids don't like being asked to change their ways, especially not by evil SM - BM also screams down phone at him and he ends up turning on SM, thinking what Sfamily have fed him - that SM is the awful one who is trying to CHANGE his darlings. SM (rightly) shuts up, becomes a doormat who (in her mind) is shown no respect or love, is embarrassed by SKs behaviour. SKs then learn SM is doormat and manipulate further. SM disengages. Awaits her day of freedom...
"Scenario 3 - And there's this kind of scenario where BreakingThrough assumed the role in the #2 scenario, on top of wanting everything to go her way because if it doesn't, then her anxiety is triggered. It sounds to me that she has spent her marriage complaining about his kids, and that includes complaining that his kids live there. She doesn't want them there because they are 20, 22, or whatever and feels they should be move out."
Only a very stupid SM would ever complain to SO about SKs... I have spent my marriage having all my desires and wishes ignored (what do I want? A good relationship with her SKids; laughter in the house, love for each other. Even them to like me?). DH and SKids have had it completely their way, I have been relegated to the back seat of the car, sent to my room - bullied by teenagers in my own house. I am not proud of being so spineless, but just wanted to make DH and SKids happy (and selfishly not to be blamed for their relationships breaking down). I just hoped that one day I might get some time for DH and I...
"Scenario 4 - However, that brings the focus on another problem, which is that there are some SMs who don't like her partner/husband's kids, hate that they exist, and don't want them around."
I will admit, I have grown to dislike his children. Not because of who or what they are (although their poor traits do scream at me compared to their good ones I admit). The problem is, it is very difficult to like people who hate you. What would I like DH to do? TALK to his children, stand up for me. Tell them that he loves me and he loves them, and it would make him really happy if they could at least like me.
"Scenario 5 - Now, if his children are rude and disrespectful to the stepmom, then yes, he's supposed to support her and make his children behave, stop being rude and disrespectful. But he can't be expected to send his kids away."
Why not, when they are 18 + and earn more money than both of us put together? Especially when he has never supported SM or stopped the rudeness? Or at least ask him to pay some rent?
"Scenario 6 - And now, there's another kind of situation. BreakingThrough stated, "Meanwhile SS20's selfish coming and going continues unabated, I hide in my house and lock the doors," but what does that mean to you? That her husband should put his kid out because his wife has anxiety and doesn't want his son leaving and returning whenever he wants?"
My anxiety has been bred from not wanting to come across SS20. Firstly he sneaks up on you (walks into our house silently, walks up behind you without saying a word) which I find very unnerving - it makes me jump/scream when he does it. I also do not want to see him as I am so angry about the situation/our powerlessness and that my anger will be interpreted as hate towards him (yes, he sold a car - one that he never asked if he could keep here). Ding ding, the wicked SM strikes again whatever I do - say something or brood silently. DH is adamant that he is furious with SS's behaviour/lack of contribution, yet will only ever say anything to him in front of BM for fear of her retribution if he disciplines her darling. I am still waiting for the DH-BM-SS 'chat' to happen 4 months after it was promised.
"Scenario 7 - You stated in one of your threads, "I feel like he is a partner to his ex and kids and I'm just there to cook and do laundry and have sex." It may be hurtful to know there are a lot of single dads who get married solely for that reason, but no woman should feel like that."
That wasn't actually me, however I would like to answer for the OP - many of us love our husbands despite their faults. For many men these faults include untidiness, lack of cooking skills or inability to use a washing machine. It is a whole different matter to discuss whether women are happy to step up and fill in these gaps; I believe that if they don't (ie, they work like me) then perhaps the couple should employ a cleaner and both spouses go on cookery classes together! The difficulty is if SKs are involved then SM inevitably has to 'do' for them as well (or pay for them as I have had to) without any understanding of her efforts, let alone appreciation/gratitude. I propose that it is DH's role to educate his children about how much SM does for them (something my DH has been very good at).
The bottom line is that the SK scenario is rarely good for SM's, as SO will always have guilt strings which can be tweaked and played by both SKs and BMs. If SM and SO are a strong partnership then they stand a chance. I considered myself in that position - despite having to take a back seat (literally and physically!) to his children, I was happy his children and he were happy (even though I was miserable). What has changed? I am now pregnant, and SD and SS are adults who need to accept some responsibility. I am NOT paying for them for the rest of their lives: DH needs to change things now or we can have no future.