When I was in college I had a miscarriage. It was incredibly difficult. Less than a month after that I witnessed a horrible car accident and to make a long story short I spent a lot of time in therapy grappling with the idea of death. If anyone here suffers from PTSD I strongly recommend EMDR therapy. It really is incredible.

When I first learned of my pregnancy my ex went on a 3 week bender to live out the rest of his 20's in less than 9 months and pretty much left me wondering how exactly I was going to get my degree and juggle being a single mom.

Just as he came back down to reality and apologized for his behavior, I miscarried. It was hard for both of us. He blamed himself-I had just been dragged through an emotional bed of nails and back again. It was one of the harder things I've been through and it changed our relationship.

Today, 6 years ago, I went in for the DNC.

My relationship with my ex ended two years after my miscarriage for a multitude of reasons. He wanted to "take a break" and after everything I had been through at that point (working double overtime +1 job to support us when he decides to up and quit his job to go to school with 0 notice and no intention to find another job) I decided to make it an official split. A short time later I began seeing my SO and not too long after that I found out I was pregnant. SO and I have a long history attached to our present and by the time my ex decided he wanted a break I had already mentally checked out of that relationship long before we actually broke up-I just felt bad and tried to talk myself into staying because it was familiar.

It was one of the better decisions I've made-to let my ex go. I hoped to stay friends but he has bounced back and forth between hating me and being friendly. He has a new girlfriend of about 2 years-she seems nice, sweet, totally up his ally....and she looks eerily like me. We could be sisters. He must have a very specific type-whatever.

After my miscarriage we bought a rescue dog. I left her with him when we broke up because the dog had become very close to his mother and she had a lot of vet bills that his mother was much more able to cover than I was. About a year and half ago, ex was on vaca with new girlfriend and she died. I was heartbroken but I knew leaving her there was the best thing for her-she was older, she was used to their house, his mother would hemmoage hundreds to save an animal-she deserved to keep all of that.

Recently, new girlfriend posted a picture of ex & I's dog with the caption "MY baby". It pissed me off a little, because she wasn't "her" anything-she had known the dog for like 4 maybe 5 months. I had her for years and she represented our miscarried baby-that's why we got her. Whatever. Roll my eyes, some people. I thought it was kind of shitty he let her go on like that-but not my circus. I know, he knows, the dog knew. It's all good.

April 11th would have been the baby's birthday. Some years I feel it-others it passes and I don't realize it until after the fact.

This year-the DNC date, I have not forgotten, but I was really busy and it had emt dawned on me what today was other than really freakin busy (thanks subconscious). E

I'm minding my own business-fighting off a Facebook troll who wants to debate my status as a "Hillary Supporter" which I'm not. I'm also VERY Anti-trump. My anti-trump status doesn't necessarily make me pro-Hillary. Needs less to say this ate up my breaks from work. SO got into a fender bender this morning and BD has spawned overnight into a two-nager. SS's school also called to tell me he had dry scalp and scratched dandruff all over his desk and to ask him please not to do that (like WTF you have a life skills classroom? I'll tell him but did you really need to call me about that? He's already on medicated shampoo and I took him to the doc last week).

And I get a message from my ex. "I can't believe it's been 6 years since the baby. I know we've drifted but I wanted to let you know I didn't forget. Things seem to have worked out for the both of us and I'm glad you're happy."

I thanked him. I told him it's crazy that it's been that long already and tried to lighten it up. Asked him when he was gonna put a ring on it (which is an inside joke but all his friends are getting married and he does seem happy. He told me he's waiting until he's at least 30. I said l"oh well, you just can't rush things I suppose" I asked him how he was doing otherwise-he said "other than playing the "what if I had a 6 year old game all morning" nothing much." I tried to change the subject. I told him not to let his brain do that to him. Everything happens for a reason even when it's hard. He hasn't said anything since. He probably won't. I feel bad for him. I'm sure I'll get an angry message any moment now.

I just hate when he does this. I feel bad. And I was doing fine until I got that message. I cried all over the Medicaid recert I was filling out for a client. The memory of that day/that time is so heavy still.