DH the stonewaller
I have been making a serious effort at modifying my shitty, immature behavior in an effort to improve my marriage. For example: no more name calling, I am trying to fight fair, take time outs when I get angry, not taking things out on my partner, etc.
I have been doing a lot of journaling, reading, we go to therapy, etc. I can admit I 100% was part of the problem with our frequent arguing and toxic relationship pattern. I would spit out some of the most venomous, cruel insults when mad.
I am proud of myself. I used to feel like my anger controlled me. It is hard work to stop being so reactive and I have been doing the work. Not just with DH either, with other people too.
My issue, however, is DH and his disrespect. When he is upset about something, he shuts me out. Sometimes I can handle this but sometimes I do "pry." I feel like he can't ALWAYS just shut me down when he doesn't feel like communicating. He is passive... he will walk out of a room, turn his back to me, etc, when he doesn't feel like talking or dealing with me.
An example: Last night he was taking a ride to get a check from a side job he worked (with a friend). He was going to hang out there for a little and would be home in a couple hours. He came home about an hour later. fine. great.
The thing that bothers me is he walks in and doesn't even acknowledge me. He just lays down to go to sleep. I asked him why he couldn't say hello and did he get the check? He says he only a small portion of the money he was expecting, his friend stiffed him, he wasn't in a good mood, and goodnight. I got upset because I feel like I would never just walk in, not speak or explain anything and go to bed. I feel disrespected. When I mention this, he starts to get a very rotten attitude with me, almost mocking me... I am "nagging"... let it go... etc.
I understand in a relationship, you have to let some things go. But isn't refusing to communicate or only communicated on his terms a little... obnoxious and disrespectful?
I grew up watching my mother chase my father around the house, begging for attention and acting like a tantruming 3 year old to get the attention. I do not want to beg for attention but I know I deserve communication.
It is at the point where I want to be a more loving person but I do not want to be a doormat and I am not sure where that line is??? I did not grow up seeing healthy relationships, I never was in healthy relationships. All I know now is that I want to be in one because I deserve it.
I can't wait until couples therapy tomorrow. I have a nice list made for her.
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Right now he is used to doing
Right now he is used to doing these things and the behavior is not going to change straight away. The worst time to bring it up is when he is in a bad mood. Instead you should wait until you are both in a good mood and have a calm conversation about it.
If I were to have this conversation it would be something like... When you came home the other night and did not acknowledge me I felt that you were being rude to me and I would really appreciate if we could try to avoid that in the future. If you are upset or do not want to talk or need some time alone then please just tell me and I will respect that, but I would really appreciate if you could communicate it with me so that I do not worry and do not feel like we are having an argument I do not know about. Do you want there to be something in particular that you can say or do so that I know to give you some space? How can I best help you when you are feeling down like that?
I think that it will be
I think that it will be helpful if you can work with your counselor about not personalizing things that are not meant personally.
Like him coming home and going to bed. He had just gone out of his way to go pick up a check and was stiffed. He was pissed about it and probably was afraid if he mentioned it to you that he would hear "I told you so" or some version thereof.
Sometimes people just need time to deal with their own issues and feelings by themselves. I think this is more typically a man response. They don't want to discuss their problems. Men seem to also be better at compartmentalizing things. I would try to give him some space and accept that it's nothing to do with you.. but that he just needs time to himself occasionally.
Now, if he is never, ever allowing you to bring up issues that are important to you, that's a problem. However just coming home and not being communicative one night shouldn't be a big deal.
I will caveat this with as long as there is no reason to believe there is a more nefarious reason for his actions. Like he has (or had) a drug problem and you have reason to believe he DID get his full check and he went and got high and isn't interacting with you in attempt to hide it.
He is a former addict. Along
He is a former addict. Along with trying to modify my angry responses I am trying to ease up on the suspicious, paranoid type of behavior. I do believe that he was stiffed for the job. When he was an active addict, large amounts of money were spent. This has not been a problem in quite some time(knock on wood). He has access to our account, something he never had as an active addict. I monitor the account daily.
That does not mean I do not still worry about him getting high "on occasion." I do worry and I do tend to automatically assume the worst.
Hope it was just a bad
Hope it was just a bad mood.
I can see how someone who was supposed to be "clean" would be embarrassed or subversive trying to hide that they had slipped up. How long ago were the addiction problems? My brother had a bad problem with crack and it took YEARS for his emotional health to be anywhere near normal.
I would probably not have joint accounts.. too much risk.
It has been about a year
It has been about a year since he admitted it and got help. By "joint" account I mean both of our money goes into my account and he has an ATM card.
He was addicted to pain meds after a surgery.
He also did drugs
He also did drugs recreationally his entire adult life. I used to partake and completely "got clean" in my mid 20's. I never looked back. He has that "addictive" personality.
There is risk, yes. I spent
There is risk, yes. I spent the better part of the year dishing out a cash allowance. Slowly, I began to trust (for my sanity, really.) He has been responsible thus far (KNOCK ON WOOD.) Aside from dumb things, like buying junk food when we have food at home.
I need to extend my trust and if he lets me down then I will decide where to go from there. I could not live out my life hoarding our money and being paranoid.
I would feel a touch more
I would feel a touch more comfortable in your situation if he had a separate account where a limited amount of funds were available for him to spend... you wouldn't need to check on it at all, basically have like 200/month in there (or whatever a reasonable amount of kicking around money would be) and it would be up to him to decide how he spends it.
But, whatever makes you most comfortable can work.
From my experience with my
From my experience with my brother (and other people I knew).. a year really isn't all that long. I wouldn't allow him to have an ATM card to an account where your money is going.
My brother tried multiple times to get clean from probably his mid 20's to his 40's. Including multiple rehab stints. The last one was a very expensive residential program and it seems that he has finally turned a corner.
Even so, after several years of being clean he was still dealing with severe depression and mood swings. Nothing like having Christmas with the Family while your brother talks about killing himself because he has nothing to live for.
Now, he is married and has a little boy and seems like he is emotionally in a better place, but some of his old moodiness flames through at times.
I understand. Addiction has
I understand. Addiction has been a special kind of hell for us. I also know many people who are consumed by it. It is a true epidemic in our area.
I sit at a computer all day and I have access to my account. I decided to extend some trust to DH, moreso for my sanity. He is still in treatment and takes medication and sees a counselor (if he wasn't, I wouldn't allow him access). Then again, if he decides to relapse and destroy our family, he will have to deal with the consequences. I can't spend my life micro-managing him.
I am happy to hear your brother turned the corner. Addiction is a nightmare for all involved.
Exactly. It is just a general
Exactly. It is just a general respect thing to me. I felt invisible. It was very cold and rude.
This man has had emotional
This man has had emotional affairs (if not physical ones) and was an active addict. It takes a very long time to get over these things. And sometimes you can never truly get over it. His actions resulted in your inability to take him at his word. Does it give you the right to ask a few more questions than normal? I think so. And after the things he did to you, he should be treating you like the treasure you are. I don't think too many women would have given him a second chance.
Read Dance of Anger. The more
Read Dance of Anger. The more you chase him, the more he'll back away. If you back away, he'll start coming to you.
The could shoulder treatment
The could shoulder treatment when the big baby man got his feefees hurt. Nothing new there lol, use to bug me like a pimple on my nose, but not any more.....
Maybe this will help you, if DH walks into the house start looking at his facial expressions and body language, this way you will know... could shoulder or warm shoulder.... if it's the cold one, simply ignore him like you would ignore a stranger, give him time to calm down, might take long... keep yourself busy with little things you like to do and ignore him till he comes to you and say Hello... then pretend he only got home now and start the evening, never ask what's wrong, they see it as nagging, if he wants you to know he will tell you but never ask.
Keep in mind... the first week might pass without you talking to DH and without him talking to you.... ignore it, keep yourself busy, he's use to you "nagging" in his ears, just keep quiet... if he can't say good night, you don't even say good morning... after a week DH will start thinking... What's going on.... where's AJ.... and slowly he will change, very very slowly... think of a square wheel turning...
We are at the stage where SO will come into the house, bark Hello Love I'm pissed off and need an hour....
I just smile and go on with my thing I'm doing, I say nothing.... I make dinner and I dish up, I even pour him some milk... I only say dinner is ready... after an hour... we will sit down and SO will tell me who or what pissed him off lol... I keep quiet and when he's done I will say well that person is an idiot, ... if SO does not talk about it I know it Aergia related lol then I never ask cause I'm not interested
"but that WE came first " no
"but that WE came first "
no Hon... the person coming first in your life is YOU not DH and not kids....
same goes for DH... he's well being is on him only, thus if he needs an hour to chill out before engaging in home life, why not.... at least he's not walking in and screaming at any one or slapping people around...
I know what you mean..... but
I know what you mean.....
but if he walks past you without saying hi.. that's the sign to ignore him till he comes back and say hi...
I'm saying YOU (as in only you and as in couple) is not more important then DH's feelings...
men are different... their
men are different... their minds is so angry they do not even see you, they just want the safeness of the home and be alone.... if you get that... you've won...
as I said, I ignore SO when he does this, after an hour he will come and greet me and give me a big fat hug,
after a year it's not even an hour anymore... he walks past me go to the bathroom and then come back, calm and collected..