Welcome! You're bound to get a whole lot of opinions on these questions. At our home, both boys 14/15 go to bed at 9:30. Doesn't mean they're asleep by then, they can read if they like. But in bed by then. They've proven to me over and over that even 10pm is too late, because they drag their butts in the morning.

Checking phone - depends. Doesn't matter that he pays for it, because your checking is about safety. If you have cause, it's the same as watching internet sites and rummaging through sock drawers. As parents, you check. If you think you need to.

You and your husband have to be on the same team re:back talk and attitude. Then taking away electronics as consequences can be effective. What has worked/failed for you so far?

You're more generous than I am.

My SO has a 17 year old son who lives with us full time. I take no part in bedtime, checking his phone, homework. He's not always openly rude, and not at all rebellious but he ices me out and ignores me and is passively hostile towards me -- all disrespectful. I just return the favor. I don't like anyone who is disrespectful to me and I certainly don't love living with this kid.

A lot of your SS's issues are probably normal teenage brattiness unfortunately, but you still have the right to be respected in your own home, at least treated with civility. I told my SO if we are to remain together that he must insist that SS17 treat me with a minimal amount of respect. The same respect one gives to any human being you see on the street.

Another poster on this site had a saying that I liked:

"Liking me is optional, respecting me is mandatory."

I think it's a good motto and is also realistic. There's no rule that says my SS must like me. But he should not be rude to me.

Most 15 year old boys are kind of punks, but you have to draw the line with him. As long as your husband stands behind you, just make your expectations for how you are to be treated clear and don't stress about the rest.