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Vacation help!

dancemom1's picture

Submitted by dancemom1 on Tue, 04/12/2011 - 11:59am

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Blended Family Issues

Okay, here is the deal. This year my husband and I are planning on taking a different approach to our vacation. He is planning on taking his son (my stepson) on two mini-vacations and then we are planning on leaving him with his mother during another vacation that will include my husband, myself and our three year old daughter. The stepson is 12, so it is very hard to accomodate both children and the past two years (especially last year) have been a nightmare. My husband and I spend the entire week (or so it feels to us) doing separate things, he takes his son to do things, and I take our daughter. My stepson complains/cries/doesn't eat/pouts because it seems like no matter what we do, it isnt good enough. We won't be finished with one activity and he wants to know what we are doing next. I work very hard under very stressful conditions all year for my vacation so when it is time for it, I would like a RELAXING vacation, thankyouverymuch. I am having mixed feelings. I wish that we all could go and have a good time, but I know (and the last two years have become living proof of that knowledge) that it just cant work like that. I need some advice on what to do. Please, I am not trying to come off like the evil stepmother here. If I went through all the backstory on my stepson and how hard to deal with he is, it would take me all day and all night. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. H E L P !

dancemom1's picture

Submitted by dancemom1 on Tue, 04/12/2011 - 12:59pm

Thank you to both of you who recommended the cruise. That is definitely something to think about for next year. Unfortunately, we already booked our stay at the beach this year. I will def. be looking into a cruise for next summer, you know, that never even crossed my mind.

dancemom1's picture

Submitted by dancemom1 on Tue, 04/12/2011 - 12:58pm

He does live with us. He spends a fair amount of time with his Mother during the summer, so it is possible he won't even be with us during the time we leave. In the past, my husband has went to get him at his mom's so he can go on vaca. with us. Maybe not the case this year.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Tue, 04/12/2011 - 12:29pm

I would tell the ss that if he wants to do something then he can have a give and take. Meaning that he has to sit with his sis and the family doing things she likes in order to do what he wants was a family! That is how a family works. I have told all my kids (mine and my ss's) the same thing when they start to complain I remind them and if they don't they don't get to what they want and we will do what another kids wants. since we have 5 kids we take turns starting from the youngest to then oldest and when w=one doesn't want to do the right thing they lose their turn. Works for us they have all learned it does no good to whine.

vera3's picture

Submitted by vera3 on Tue, 04/12/2011 - 12:30pm

I say you and DH should do it how it works best for YOUR particular family. You can't worry about how others will judge you because people who aren't in a blended family WILL probably talk a little trash (makes them feel good I guess) and those of us who ARE in a blended family will completely understand.

And SS will have to trust that you know what you are doing, you are the adults. If he complains about not being included in the other trip, just act with confidence, don't show any guilt or hesitation. He is a child and parents make the decisions!

I gave up trying to do things with the "regular" formula because hello, we are just not a a "regular" family, and screw what others think. This is between you and DH. If DH agrees, then you are set.

I think separate trips for a 12 year old boy and a 3 year old girl makes perfect sense. Why try to do a group trip wherein it doesn't really work for anybody, just for the sake of fitting a cookie cutter mold? That's my opinion. And it took me some time to get to the place where I could stop worrying about doing things "differently" because of what others think. Smile I am behind you and agree with you! For what it's worth. Smile

dancemom1's picture

Submitted by dancemom1 on Tue, 04/12/2011 - 1:15pm

Thank you so so much for understanding. I reallllly feel guilty about feeling this way, but I do need a break. He has really ran my husband and I both through the wringer this school year and it has just been awful. I feel that if I could for lack of a better term "Get away" from him for a week, once I get back I will be ready to deal with all of his issues. am I making sense? idk. thanks for the support!

vera3's picture

Submitted by vera3 on Tue, 04/12/2011 - 1:32pm

Yes it does make sense to me and I completely understand. Yes kids are important and they "come first" (I guess... jk) but you also deserve to have a nice trip with your daughter. Yes in a perfect world you could all go together. Or, in a perfect world you could have a fun trip with SS and also a separate fun trip with DD since they are so far apart in age. But we have to live in the real world. If you can't have either of those options, and sounds like you can't, why shouldn't you at least get the one good trip with DD? Years from now will someone say. "AHA! It's all because you took that trip without SS!" No, I don't think so.

I think the hardest part is accepting that others will disagree or judge, and still living your live how you want and need to, regardless. I struggle with it too but am getting better at it our of necessity for my sanity and well being! Smile

vera3's picture

Submitted by vera3 on Tue, 04/12/2011 - 1:39pm

Also, and DH finally made me see this because he is SMART: Feeling guilty is so useless. If you were a bad person doing bad things, you wouldn't feel guilty.

If you feel guilty, just remember (besides that guilt is useless): DH is taking him on the mini trips. SS spends time with his mom while you are gone. A good thing theoretically.
So how is SS being so horribly mistreated if you go on a trip without him? Will it kill him or scar him for life? Nope. Will it give you a much neeed and deserved break? Yes.

I have strong opinions on this as I have struggled with the whole guilt thing too. Smile

dancemom1's picture

Submitted by dancemom1 on Tue, 04/12/2011 - 1:51pm

If you were a bad person doing bad things, you wouldn't feel guilty.

I love that you said that. Thank you! You're right, it isn't as though his mother isnt in the picture at all. He does have a weird relationship with her-sometimes she gets him when shes "supposed" to and other times she decides she has other things to do ect. BUT he does have a mother and I say, let her keep him for a week so I can rest-I have him all year. I work all day and take care of him and my daughter while she sits on her butt doing nothing all day and I need to rest a while. shew.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Tue, 04/12/2011 - 12:52pm

I have vowed never to take a vaca with ss13 again. We dont have the age issue as my kids are 13, 11, and 9 so ss is right there with them-but evidently he just hates all of us except my dh. That's pretty much what he told us on the way home from our last vaca. During our week long trip he also-choked my bs in the pool-refused to clean up the rental home because I wasnt his bm and so he didnt have to do anything I said, wet his pants every night sometimes twice a night, drank 1/2 of an alcoholic beverage that i had set down while I showered, demanded to have 3 distinct full meals a day, cried and threw a tantrum when I asked him to take out trash because it had a pull up in it (his pullup by the way), started demanding to be taken back to bm's as soon as we got in the vehicle for the drive home-despite that it was a 14 hour drive home and it would be an additional 3 to take ss home-which was not supposed to occur until the next day-told us all he didnt like any of us, nor liked being around us and less his dad was present.

The trip prior to that-he refused to wear his seatbelt-I'd stop the car-he'd put it on-I would proceed to drive-he'd take it off, he finally tore up my seatbelt by wrapping it around the edge of the seat (so it would appear he was wearing it)-we had to cut it to get it removed from the seat. He vomited in the parking lot of cracker barrel because he literally inhaled a plate of pancakes and a pound of butter in about 30 seconds. Wet his bed every night, but wouldnt clean up after self. Made us all search the rental house for an hour at check out time because he picked his meds up off the counter and then didnt know where he put them. Never found
them. After getting home, "oh, gee they were in my pocket the whole time"

I am pretty sure he stole my ds's cell phone last trip and i did not even mention all the fighting he does with the other kids, how he refuses to speak to me or acknowledge my presence, how he yells at everyone in the family even when we are in public places.

We took a short 3 day trip last year without him. It was lovely. All the kids got along, no one vomited, tore anything up, or argued. We are talking about the beach again this year-I've not really discussed with dh but no way in hell am I going with ss-I, like you, work hard all year. I LOVE vacations-can spend months planning them-while dh likes to take a trip now and then but if he didnt go on one he really wouldnt care. I am tired of sacrificing my trips to hang out with someone that doesnt even like me. So either we are going without ss or we are going without dh and ss-but I am not going anywhere with him again.

dancemom1's picture

Submitted by dancemom1 on Tue, 04/12/2011 - 1:04pm

did I read that right? HIS pull up? ohmy, honey you are in a bigger boat than me. I say you and I just take the kids to the beach and leave the dh's home if they won't have it the other way. Lord have mercy. It's hard, isn't it?