Fed up, once again (but most certainly not the last time)
I have been a step mom for 3-5 years (married/ not married). My SSs are 9 and 11. The older one used to have crazy tantrums and is addicted to media. The younger one is super sweet, but gets overshadowed by his older brother because of his behavioral problems. When I met DH, he was a first-time single parent and desperately needed help. By the end of our first year together I was helping the kids set a routine, do homework, extra curricular activities, eating a balanced meal, etc. The older one took years of work to get him to behave, have manners, and not blow up whenever he didn't get his way. DH was not very involved with my teaching habits. He let me do it all while he played games basically. DH was very good at cooking, cleaning, running the kids around, but he very rarely hung out with them in a kid friendly way (playing catch, games, etc.) and he was not interested in interacting very much with the boys because they weren't at a fun age.
Now that the older one is at an age where he is actually interesting to DH, he has taken more of an interest in him, which is great. However, now DH doesn't want me to parent the way that I have been for the past 5 years because it "hurts his heart" to see his son punished when he doesn't believe he needs to be punished. I used to be in charge of the boys doing their chores, now dad does not want me to be so hard on them in the actual completion of the chores. SS11 is now allowed to play way more media, and guess what? The tantrums came back! But now he doesn't get in trouble for them because it "isn't that big of a deal".
DH's favorite saying right now is "Cut them a break." This phrase does not resonate with me. I believe that kids need expectations set for them and that they should meet them. I don't feel like I should have to remind an 11 year old to brush his teeth three times each night, while trying to determine if he is lying about brushing his teeth or not, and then when it is determined that he is lying, nothing being said on the matter.
I am currently fed up like a mofo of having to barricade myself in my teeny bedroom to avoid interacting with the family. I am so not in the mood to participate in this type of lifestyle. Oh, and now DH is allowing SS11 to randomly come in the room for one on one pow wows. No thank you!
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I do love my husband, and
I do love my husband, and previously I felt like we were working towards a common goal, so it made sense to exert my energy to this family lifestyle. My husband deployed last year for 6 1/2 months, and I was the full time parent for that amount of time. When he came back, I was completely done. I do love my SSs, but I do not love being a mother. I find myself saying " 9 more years" in my head multiple times throughout the week. I want to be with my husband, but I have recently reevaluated my outlook and have determined that I do not want bio children, and DH has gotten on board with this. I want our life in 9 years. That is why I stay. I am not leaving him, but I have been slowly disengaging. I have been telling DH that as his partner I am here to support him, but he wants to me be a participant and I want to be a bystander. This is new territory that I am in, so I appreciate any and all advice!
And by the way, I believe it is your closing that has helped me the past 5 weeks: "Not my kids, not my problem". I repeat this to myself several times as well!
DH is so on edge right now,
DH is so on edge right now, we have been fighting a lot with this new style of parenting, plus he is getting out of the military, we are moving, he is getting a job, etc. I do not know how to put this into words without starting a fight, this is just my space and I believe that it does not need to be everyone's space. Any advice on how to bring this up?
Time to totally disengage, do
Time to totally disengage, do nothing, it is not appreciated by anybody, especially your husband. Don't waste your precious energy, time and money any longer.
And, if you have no kids of your own in this mix, reconsider why you are in this situation at all...
Please do not barricade
Please do not barricade yourself in your room. Tell your ahole husband to take his spawn OUT of the home to spoil him and kiss his ass when you need time to yourself.
I am trying to do more things
I am trying to do more things outside of the house. I have recently gotten into working out again and have adjusted my work hours a little later in the evening to help out with this matter. However, DH is a homebody and rarely leaves
I am hoping to find a balance within the home, I just have no clue where to start. I seriously cannot stand mingling with the family right now since I always notice something that wasn't done correctly and I no longer supposed to say anything, and the older one creates such a hostile environment with his attitude (which does not effect DH at all). I tend to wear earplugs if necessary, it helps tremendously!
I agree, you need to sit him
I agree, you need to sit him down and remind him how much improvement has been made with your guidance over the last few years and how much he participated then versus now. Tell him that you know they are "his" kids but he's let them be "your" responsibility for the last few years so he can either be their parent WITH you (backing you up, enforcing commonly agreed upon rules and expectations) or he can parent them ALONE completely and entirely.
One battle I fight with DH regularly about parenting SS5 is his constant access to Xbox, Wii and other games on phones and Ipads at our house. I can't stand it because we always spend quite a bit for their Christmas and birthdays for decent gifts but SS only cares about when he gets to play games. DH thinks it's great he wants to be a gamer because he likes playing games as well whereas I think he has a billion other things he can be doing besides starting the teenage vegetation period early. We've compromised where he gets to play Xbox on Fridays before he goes to BM's for the weekend IF he's been good at school and he can play during the evening for a bit if there's a school holiday the next day. Slowly but surely DH is starting to allow SS to play games that I don't find child appropriate and really just distasteful. Usually I will complain about it to DH then start to point out the bad things SS starts saying and picking up on from these games (a lot of talking about dieing and cutting off heads of zombies). We revert back to the family friendly games like Mario and DonkeyKong or Lego Star Wars but after a few months DH isn't content with those games so he lets SS move back into the Adult games and the cycle repeats itself. The only thing that seems to help is me immediately pointing out the negative effects it's having on SS right then and there. If we're in the car and he starts telling us he didn't sleep well because he had a nightmare about zombies chasing him I stare holes into DH head and say "oh really? Maybe we shouldn't be playing such scary games then..."
Tell Dh to go and suck an
Tell Dh to go and suck an egg.....
You've been doing it for 5 years and you will keep the routine till they fly the coup, you do not have a kid problem you have a DH problem, he rather wants to be his kid's friend then parent, sorry life does not work like that.