Transportation issues when SS is disrespectful
I am responsible for driving my SSs to school every morning because my husband goes to work early. SS12 gives me problems at least once a week, demonstrating that he clearly doesn't respect me, and I have to result to calling DH to either talk to him, or as of recently, to take him to school. DH and I do not see eye to eye when it comes to disciplining SS12. I used to ground him (according to DH he was always grounded) until about 2 years ago when DH put his foot down and said no more. If DH feels like it gets to a point where SS12 needs discipline (which is rarely), he will yell at him in an intimidating manner and spank him, and then let him go on about his day. SS12 is never forced to understand why he acts the way he does, and he is very rarely incentivized to behave differently.
Anyways, I do not want to take SS12 to school anymore. I have explained to SS12 that I do his dad a favor by taking him to school, but if he is going to blatantly show that he doesn't respect me, I will not welcome him in my car. DH tells me, "That's not what parents do, they don't just give up on their kids." I believe he phrases it this way to make me feel guilty and shame me for not behaving like a parent would. DH says me not taking him isn't an option since he cannot take him to school. So, if I can't ground him, and DH isn't there to spank him, then my understanding would be we need to find another option. I want to let SS12 ride his bike to school (<2 miles, we live in CA so weather is rarely bad, and he is turning 13 in June) but DH doesn't trust the world with his children.
Since I am not a bio parent, I was interested in others opinions to help shed some light on if this would be an acceptable middle ground in your household. Thank you in advance!
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DH says me not taking him isn
Tell your DH that is HIS problem. What would he do if you left his sorry, worthless ass?
The effing brat can either ride a bus, ride a bike or walk.
He can absolutely ride his
He can absolutely ride his bike to school. You can't "act like a parent" to him because, simply put, you aren't his mommy! And spanking a 12 year old?? It obviously isn't working. I would never spank a kid older than 10.
May I ask how SS is with you in the mornings?
When he hasn't done anything
When he hasn't done anything wrong and I don't call him out on it, he is fine. But when it starts to go south, he refuses to talk to me, or he argues with me, he will refuse to get ready, he will throw a temper tantrum by throwing his backpack on the ground, pushes chairs, yells. Most of the issues start with him being disrespectful to SS10 by going in his room without permission and being violent with him, or stealing sodas from the fridge, lying, and talking disrespectfully. Recently we came to a compromise that I can take his cell phone away, but once I do this is when he starts throwing a tantrum and throwing objects or slamming doors.
This is not ok behavior. You
This is not ok behavior. You're expected to deal with that mess and the only leverage you have is taking his cell phone? Does he have mental issues or a developmental delay? If so, is that why your husband thinks that spanking a 12 year old is appropriate punishment?
No, he does not have
No, he does not have developmental issues. That is how his parents handled it I guess so that is how he chooses to handle it? He also tells me that if I want him to respect me I need to spank him too, which, while I have tried it a few times when he was younger, I am not a spanker. SS12 even says the only reason he respects his dad is because he "beats" him. DH claims it is because they have a close bond and that I need to have one with him too. I pulled away 2 years ago when SSs attitude towards me was horrific. I keep trying to tell DH that if I keep being put in these situations where SS treats me this way, I am going to have less and less desire to hang out with him ever. This is when DH tells me that he will never respect me if I can't be friendly with him, but I can't be friendly with him when he treats me like this. It's a friggin circle/catch 22 that I cannot break.
Your DH is an ass
I'm sorry but seriously, DH is trying to manipulate you, and what a joke dangling the carrot of "respect" out there.when he doesn't even respect himself enough to give the kid consequences. I would tell DH kid taxi is over.
Never respect YOU??
Thats manipulative, and mean. Talk about putting you in a position where you take crap from SS and DH and still need to be friendly, and a chauffering nanny. Like you are the bottom of the totem pole, so suck it up notsosureanymore.
NO WAY. How about you tell DH "I cannot respect a man who expects his wife to be treated poorly and is supposed take it" He has given you no authority in your home. There is nothing right about this!
DH tells me, "That's not what
DH tells me, "That's not what parents do, they don't just give up on their kids."
You wanna bet?
When my brother was acting like an asshole my mother made his ass walk!!!
And we didn't exactly live a block away-we lived ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way across town.
it's simple-SS can walk or ride his bike or catch a ride with a friend since he can't behave for you.
Dad can suck it.
Simple. Either stepson starts
Simple. Either stepson starts respecting and listening or you stop taking him. Since DH isn't giving you the ability to be a parent and actully disapline the boy then it's YOUR choice if you want to be the child's babysitter.
DH can't have it both ways!
Which is it DH, I am not "parent enough" to discipline SS, but expected to take him to school because "parents dont give up on their kids"
Talk about mixed messages, sounds like you are the disrespected nanny and chauffer to both DH and SS. The driving should stop unless SS shows respect, and when he doesnt you get to hand out punishment. Be strong and firm with DH and hold your own. Good luck
Nope, just nope. You don't
Nope, just nope. You don't take the brat anywhere. You don't do anything for him. He is his father's problem. You will get no change until you force his father to deal with him. What would he do if you weren't around? Deal with his kid. Your husband should be ashamed of himself for forcing you to deal with such an ingrate. Stepmom's deserve the utmost respect, on the same level as a teacher, principal or cop.
Was it in your wedding vows that you would become SS's punching bag???
DH can hire a car service.
While it is against the rules of Uber for them to transport underage kids, some drivers will. In some areas there are car services for kids. Hopskipdrive is one in our area. I'm not sure what the policy of yellow cab is in regards to kids.
Ask DH what he would do if you weren't around?
I also agree that 12 is too old to be spanked - it does become a beating at that age. I don't know how big your SS is - but if you try it he may turn on you. It is never a good idea to hit a kid that is not yours (any kid for that matter.)
oh no no no!
You wonder why he's reacting with violence and rage? It's because that's the way anger and 'discipline' is handled in your house. Y'all need to get to some parenting classes immediately. This 'discipline' is not working and frankly I'm not surprised that he's 'disrespecting' you when the only 'correction' is through violence. Even the intimidating yelling is absolutely awful. This is a recipe for disaster. Your SS is being treated with tremendous disrespect by your DH and it will cause you nothing but trouble.
Also depending on road conditions, etc how much traffic there is, he should be biking to school. My son is almost 11, next year he will be taking public transportation to school and back every day - including bus changes. Because that's what happens in England. He has been walking to school by himself and back for almost two years. My stepson - age 12 - walks himself to school everyday - but he lives in a small-ish village.
Good luck.
You have every right
Not to put up with this. Your SO. Does not want to take are of the problem. No spanking, grounding, take away electronics, has to do yard work ect
Interesting that you're good
Interesting that you're good enough to drive SS to school but can't discipline him. Put your foot down and don't do it anymore. Your H makes it seem like you don't have a choice when you do and that you shouldn't give up on kids. Well SS is not treating you with any respect so he can take his miserable @ss to school via bike or walk. Its great exercise and you also won't have to deal with the BS so early in the morning. You can only tolerate so much and this abuse needs to stop. H has to take responsibility for his sons behavior.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses! It gave me the courage and support I needed to speak up for myself. This page is so helpful for that because when you are on a team (DH and SSs) yet all by yourself (stepmom), you get pushed to the back. Steptalk has always benefitted in making sure I feel heard and remember that if no one else will put me first, I sure as hell can do it myself. I was unable to speak to DH last night, so I just sent an email letting him know that today is my last day taking SS to school.
Good for you and he's lucky
Good for you and he's lucky that you even gave him today but none the less do you and love you 1st always :). I'm sure they will both realize just how much you did and have to deal with the fallout for not appreciating you.