Yes! so difficult. I have DD7 months now with DH but before that it was hard for me at times.

Before DD was born, DH worried about us having a child and that he knew some of my attention would be taken to be given to a baby. I always had to remind him that he got 3 years of him totally being my #1, which is 3 years more than I ever had as his one and only #1!

His response was always "you are my #1" and I have to remind him that yea I may be up there, but I'm not there by myself!

I am childless mostly by choice. When younger I never had the urge to have kids. Then married to my EX, I didn't want ANOTHER child (ie he was a child haha). I met my current SO when in my late 30's and married when I was around 40. I actually wouldn't have minded having a child with him (he already had two dd's) but it just didn't happen naturally and I didn't want to go through a bunch of expensive stuff.

My DH does consider me a priority though and I don't think I have ever really felt like my needs were pushed aside.

I am childless by choice, I raised all of my mothers kids and by the age of 10 I knew I would never want to have my own kids.

My SO is the only man I have even been a date with that had children. I am actually questioning myself this morning on how the hell I lost my mind and ended up in this mess.

I am still very lost in trying to find my footing in this relationship. I have always been first as everyone I have ever dated was childless and now I am often 4th or 5th on the list.

My DH and I havent got any bios yet, but we do plan to in the future.

I think there are two kinds of people in the world. People that honestly and truly put their partner as their number 1 priority and together the partnership puts the needs/well being of any children as joint priority. Then there are other people who put their children as their number 1 priority and partners come second.

Neither way is right or wrong, but problems emerge if you have one partner who feels one way and another who feels differently.

My husband is my number 1, and I am his. But the joint responsibility and commitment of our marriage is to any children under our care (naturally at this point thats only SD5)

I also think how you can feel as a childless stepmum is massively dependant on your "expected" day to day involvement with your step kid is.
I think its really easy for women to fall into that "caregiver" role but soon become resentful.

Personally I am expected to do very little for my SD, in the sense that, her time with us is her time with my DH, so its for him to take up any/all child related duties. I do cook but thats regardless of SDs presence.
If there is a schedule conflict or my DH needs to do overtime, or is on call then he will discuss it with me and if I can help out then I do so but every time its asked not expected. And I think that is what partly motivates me to do more.

We keep toying with the idea of bio children, its something we would like for the future BUT at this point we enjoy our time with SD and "family/child orientated" time and then enjoy our time alone as a couple. We arent ready to give that up yet and until we are both 110% ready to do so there will not be any bios.

Yes there is also an element of concern for my SD in there too, I have a great relationship with my SD. I do not know how "motherhood" will change me, I am not a particularly cuddly/affectionate person with SD so I think if SD is older then she will be able to understand more about mother/baby bonds and not feel as pushed out.

(I am 26 and he is 30 so we still have some time on our side)

Before I had my kids with DH I often wondered what I'd gotten myself into. It was less evident when we were dating, but once we got married I was (previously childless and happy that way) suddenly expected to care for another woman's child with all of my free time. And all this without the rewards of being her mom, but subject to criticism by her mom... My husband acted like it was as much my privilege/duty to care for his princess as it was his. I felt like I was #4 on Dh's list, maybe ahead of the dog. Things were pretty stressful/confusing for me the first year that we lived together.

Despite this, I got pregnant quickly, and once we had our own child together I made it clear to him that my child was #1 for me if we were going to keep living this way. That's probably not the best way to handle a marital conflict but it was kind of survival mode behavior. I was totally spent and had little more to give SD or DH.

I think that upset DH to the point of realizing he had created a family dynamic he never wanted. Since then he's really made an effort to put my wishes and our marriage first. We now have 2 other kids together, and SD is a great big sister. It's been a few years and our family is starting to feel more solid. I'm not saying this is the way to handle the problem, just how it shook out for us.

Not sure how things would've gone for us if I never wanted kids of my own. I admire any woman who can make that sacrifice to raise kids who aren't hers. I would've been tempted to forgo marriage and find a childless man to travel the world with.

I never had children of my own. I decided at a young age that I had no interest in child birth. That I might adopt or be a step mom some day but childbirth terrified me from a young age. I have been married for two years and been in my step daughters life since she was 3. She is 7 now. Everything was fine in the beginning, but as soon as we got married, bio mom started saying things about me that has damaged our relationship. Bio mom admitted to what she was saying and that it was wrong and has since stopped. But step daughter was 5 when this happened and I just don't feel the same about the situation anymore. We share 50/50 custody but in the summer I have her more like 75% of the time because I have summers off (school teacher). Even during the school year we have her more like 60% of the time because bio mom doesn't know how to parent. She's even said that herself, that she's not a very good mom and that she looks forward to the time that she doesn't have her child because they "butt heads" so often. I feel like all the parenting falls into my lap. When she's with her bio mom she gets to do whatever she wants because bio mom doesn't know how to handle her. When she's with us, I take on all the discipline roles because dad feels bad for the whole situation and feels guilty because his daughter has to go through a 50/50 custody life. I get all that but it's hard being the only one in her life that teachers her about responsibility. I resent the situation a lot of the time. Sometimes I wish I had never met my husband because I actually kinda hate being a step mom to his bratty, self centered, entitled child. I am trying so hard to instill some behaviors and values into her to counteract all the lack of discipline she receives in her life but then I feel bad because I'm always the militant one. the mean on. The one that actually requires her to listen and do things that she should be doing. Husbands mom makes things even worse because she treats her like a spoiled queen. Buying her whatever she wants, lets my step daughter talk to her like crap. And if I get after her for telling grandma and papa to shut up, I look like the bad guy. Everyone acts like a wounded puppy if I reprimand her. I am so in love with my husband and he's all I want. I just wish this baggage didn't come with it. Now, at the age of 35 I am wondering if I made a mistake in not having my own children. I always wanted to be a mom, but not like this. I never wanted to feel this way. I really care about my step daughter, but I don't love her like a child, I love her like I love one of my students. In that I want to help her learn things, and understand the world and how to be a good person...but it doesn't go much further than that. And the guilt that I feel for that sucks. I thought I had more in me and I feel disappointed in myself all the time. I was never depressed until the last two years of my life. And now I know what real depression feels like. But I feel trapped with this little girl. I love her dad and so I stay, and suffer, and do my best to help raise her and just hope that she doesn't abuse me when I am old.

My DH doesn't get it either, so I hear you. I don't think they will get it until you start prioritizing someone else before them too & not their child. They all seem to think raising their special snowflakes is a privilege, they don't comprehend no wants to raise someone else's kid without any benefit or rights. BPs just can't grasp it. I may try having a siblings kids over for a week or friends kids over for a week, I wonder if that'd help my DH realize what it's like to have strange kids take over your home.

This is a bit of a sore subject for me, I'm more than a little bruised by the topic. I'll be open & honest though, so you can get a different perspective. I do not have any living bios. I had a miscarriage early in my marriage. I also recently had a stillborn son, over the holidays. I want children of my own, it's just not working out. I'm currently sterile because of placenta being left behind & needing a d&c. The dr was too invasive & I now have scar tissue with no periods. I'm currently seeing if that can be fixed surgically.

So raising someone else's child, when I've lost 2 of my own, it's horrible & so painful. Watching his kid reminds me of everything I'll never have, with my DH or for myself. It reminds me of what I've lost. My SD looks like my stillborn son, so all I see when I look at her is what I lost. All the activities & stuff that have been taken away from me. Then add all the tasks of raising a child, all the chores & money spent, the time, without any of the rewards as a stepmom, it's horrid. I'm stuck living in the same area, until his kids out. You know the bs & the sacrifices. Oh also add in some ridiculous BM bs. It's SO hard after losing a baby, to raise someone else's child, words can't describe how emotionally trying it is. I imagine lots of the same struggles for anyone with fertility issues.

I love my DH & I'm trying to make it work, but to be honest if it turns out my syndrom can't be surgically fixed I don't know if I'll be able to stay in this situation. I mean, lots of marriages end because of a stillborn baby or the death of a child, so add in that he has a kid with someone else, we probably have a 10% chance of making it. Living the life of having a child, right after losing 1, it's unbearable at times. & I'm still grieving, without the space or freedom to do so because someone else's kid is always around & if I do grieve it's all on my own because he's with his kid all the time. The losses only made my DH more grateful for the child he has, while it's made me barely capable of looking at her face without wanting to cry. You caught me on a bad day, I'm usually more positive.

I am childless by choice, for a lot of reasons; a decision I made before I was out of my teens.

But I am lucky, my DH has never neglected me, or our relationship, while trying to be a good father.

I think a lot of the problem is, men feel like they need to compensate for the divorce (or split), for not being there, for all of the bad things that BM might be saying about them, and blah, blah, blah. They are afraid their kids won't like them and won't want to see them. So, they bend over backwards (usually for nothing, as it rarely works to their advantage) and the new woman gets the short end of the stick.

Guess what? There's no "making up" for the divorce, there's no deed (which includes extra amounts of lovey-dovey cuddling) or amount of money to make up for not being around 24/7, and there's nothing except time, that will show BM's true colors and lies. My DH knew all of this.

Also, some men are just selfish and it has nothing to do with anything else.

I always wanted children but aged out before that could happen. I also NEVER wanted skids and aged out of minor skids too. I dated some good men for fun but NEVER considered marriage if they had kids.

My DH had an adult son in his 20s and one in his 30s when I met him. They were just meaningless to me. OSS (criminal gang member on the lam wanted for murder) is now dead. No loss to the world.

YSS was living in drug dens - penniless with nothing but the shirt on his back and living with a hobag GF. DH is so proud of him since he now lives in a house with a woman who has a job. (sarcasm).

But besides his alcohol and drug issues SS30 is just a total ahole that I don't like. I do not consider him my SS. He's just my DH's son. DH can see him, etc - but he is NOTHING to me. Nor is SS's spawn.

But my DH has never pressured me to accept his worthless POS son. He would like me to do that. But part of the reason that I have NOTHING to do with SS is that if we spent any time together we would clash big time as I do not tolerate aholes.

And if SS ever got violent or abusive with me I would DISOWN DH if he did not support me. Actually I know if push came to shove DH would pick me over SS. And to be honest I don't want to push DH into having to do that. So in some weird way I am protecting DH and SS's relationship by avoiding SS.

Wow, this brings back memories.

Shortly after DH and I married, he looked at me and said, "Do you realize that other than SD, you are the most important person in my life?" I know he meant it as a compliment, but it felt funny. I said as much, and said something along the lines of feeling like a freak because he is the only important person in my life. (Other than blood family members...we weren't trying exclude our parents or siblings.)

We now have children together, so things are different, but SD is now an adult and fully supported by BM, so DH and I are equal with priorities.