Dealing with Step Grandparents
I am having an issue with my husband's step mother, who has only been this for 5 years.
From the get go, this woman and I have never gotten along. We have both made it known that we are not fond of one another. No one person is at fault; I can say we are equally responsible.
However, now that my husband and I have had our daughter, these issues have become much larger.
My SMIL is angry with me because I do not refer to her as my daughter's GM. This woman can not even treat me decently, I can not see her treating my daughter well. On top of this, she has NOTHING to do with my daughter. She never comes to parties, never calls or texts on bdays, and never makes any effort to see her.
At this point, it has become an issue, because my FIL has told my husband that he is sick of his wife's feelings being hurt, and I need to refer to her as GM. AT this point, my husband pointed out that we do not get along, and that since my daughter was born, I have made an effort to be better with my SMIL, to no avail. However, my husband has asked me to make another attempt .... After previously telling me I don't have to anymore.
And another note, the probability of my FIL and SMIL getting a divorce is ASTRONOMICAL! They are both from multiple divorces, my FIL has three, grown children, one that is a loser and lives with him, while my SMIL has two, teenage kids, who are mentally handicapped (I say this only because my FIL has complained about having to help raise her kids). How will I explain to my daughter that her GM is just gone now, if/when they divorce.
I know this all sounds jumbled and disjointed, but I am so upset about all this, I can't even think straight. My husband has even told me that if I don't do this, it's going to end poorly for me.
I just don't know what to do. I just need to vent. Should I just buck up and do it? Get over myself, so to say?
I also suggested a "pet name"
I also suggested a "pet name" of sorts. Due to her real name, I suggested DeeDee. DH said that I had to call her grandma at least once, and then a pet name would be okay. My issue with this is what after I call her grandma once, and then never again, it's just going to cause another issue with SMIL and FIL.
I honestly feel like I need to just swallow my pride, call her grandma once, and let DH deal with any back lash. I just don't honestly know if I can make myself say it .... Childish, I know, but I'm just trying to be honest LoL
How often does your child see
How often does your child see this set of grandparents? I would think if SGMa sees this child often enough and builds any type of 'grandmotherly' relationship, that your child will be affected regardless of what you/child calls the lady. Whether cute pet name, real first name or grandma if and/or when the SGMa divorces and leaves the picture, it will or will not be a sense of loss for the child.
Withholding the word 'grandma' isn't really going to change that. Whatever the woman is called the woman herself will be gone. How would you explain where Suzy, Nana, or Gma went? The same way you would explain to her any other marriage-only relative that may come and go from the child's life. Even true grandparents (and aunts and uncles) divorce and sometimes one of them moves away leaving little to none contact. I don't think you mentioned how old the child is. Does child even talk yet? What does your DH refer to his father and SM as when he speaks of them or he and child are actually visiting them?
Honestly, we see them maybe
Honestly, we see them maybe once or twice a month. They live less than 5 miles from us, and make no attempt to see her at all.
She's 16 months old.
My DH calls his dad "dad" or "grandpa" around our daughter, and calls his SM/my SMIL by her first name. As they have only been married 5 years, and my husband is 31, he doesn't feel comfortable calling her anything other than her name.
And I completely agree with you about the relationship hurting my daughter, regardless of the name used. But that's part of my problem. I don't feel like she puts enough effort (none, really), to be called grandma.
To offer another perspective,
To offer another perspective, perhaps approach this as a teaching opportunity for our daughter. She is the step grandmother. And it is respectful to all her "grandma _____".
Grandma _____ay be a certain type of person and it's good to teach this to our daughter. Not all family members are our favorite, but we still have to deal with them.
She is not her grandmother.
She is not her grandmother. Why would she have to call her anything?
She is not the grandmother so
She is not the grandmother so she should not expect to be called that. That is ridiculous. Do what you feel is right and try to ignore the nay sayers. You are the mom and know what is best for your child!!! Be strong.