figuring this out
have a BF who has older teenage daughter and younger elementary aged daughter (1st from wife #1, 2nd is from wife #2), i have no bios and he is not able to have any more.
youngest SD is sweet, wants me involved and around. usually prefers me to DD; i can tell she struggles with feeling loyalty pulls to her BM and i understand it.
oldest SD is the hardest. as a teenager i feel that she is very developmentally stunted; the amount of dependency she has on both parents is, i believe, somewhat worrisome. her attitude is also horrible and i have a hard time disengaging without hurting my BFs feelings. case in point: the other evening she was talking around me, making and discussing plans between BF and herself not including me in the convo (which they are plans that involve me) and basically ignoring me. i did not want to be around that behavior for the rest of the evening, so i went out then came home and watched a movie. BF could tell i was bothered and basically told me to suck it up, she's a hormonal teenager and to stop being sensitive. i get that i have a tendency to be sensitive, but i will also not allow a kid to be rude to me in my own home. he puts up with way too much of her crappy attitude and he may choose to *overlook* it, but I don't have to; she is not my child/responsibility. the example from the other day is a small one, but she will make comments about how we are not "allowed" to get married, she would die if we ended up having a child together because it would take love and attention away from her. if BF and i talk about going out of town she freaks out and says he is not allowed to leave her, she needs him around at all times; 5 minutes later she is saying he is the most annoying person in her whole life. part of me wants to laugh it off because its so absurd, the other part of me gets soo annoyed by it all.
in the meantime, my BF basically just says, focus on our relationship, she has no bearing on what he and i do. that i should "desensitize" myself to her words. well what do i do when her words create a grey cloud of negativity all over the place?
i love my BF, my life with him is wonderful; YSD is also great, and OSD and i at times are friends, but the jealousy and competition that she exudes is just exhausting sometimes. she is allowed to have an opinion and thought and comment for everything about my BF and our life, yet if anyone has an opposing opinion she shuts down and gets so upset.
i guess my biggest question is: is this normal? at what point does a teenage girl grow out of wanting her parents to be ever present?
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Meh.. teenagers are weird...
Meh.. teenagers are weird... are there any "normal" teenagers?
I've seen people hear talk about girls like your SD.. that are like mini wives.. no friends, no activities, just want to be around daddddy 24/7. Then you have my SD who is the exact opposite. Was always pinging around from one friend to another, played sports, was actually rarely home because she always had something going on. She was annoying because she lied and manipulated constantly to get what she wanted.
So this girl lives with you guys 24/7? Where is BM?
she is with us 50/50, BM is
she is with us 50/50, BM is around, but dating someone so not as "available" TBH i think some of SDs comments are from frustration with BM but because of the huge loyalty towards her she ends up overcompensating with BF. BM and BF never speak, so OSD tends to be the one who decides when she will come over, etc. sometimes its more than 50/50.
hmmm.. what I don't like is
hmmm.. what I don't like is your BF saying things like "get over it" "you're being too sensitive" etc. Um those are your feelings, you are entitled to them. Does he tell SD to "get over it?" Doubt it. If you can't get your BF on board to be a partner with you and NOT your SD then you are going to have some long term issues.
he does tell SD to get over
he does tell SD to get over things, and will call her out; i think he is more of the "ride it out" til she goes to college mentality. he doesn't want to constantly be fighting and it would turn in to that if he chose to make everything an issue. she is very much her BM; pretty irrational and very angry.
BF has made it very clear that he and i have our own relationship and will not be ruled by her; if we want to go away on a trip we will, etc. his "get over it" is more in regard to the fact that he knows i am more of a people-pleaser/peace maker, so having strife/negativity can be difficult. he is more saying to just not let her get to me, not that she isn't hurtful. (does that make more sense?) i want everyone to be happy all the time! ha! completely optimistic and unrealistic i know.
Get out. You will likely want
Get out. You will likely want kids one day and the misgivings you feel toward the skids now will develop into full-blown resentment.
thank you for the comment,
thank you for the comment, but i do not want my own children; i am sure of that. and as i mentioned OSD and i get along 70-80% of the time. i am mainly asking what is "normal" in this day and age as i grew up in a much different environment (highly strict and religious and would not classify as normal by any stretch of the imagination)
The "I Need you, omg I can't
The "I Need you, omg I can't stand you" is pretty typical teenage crap. I think there's even a book something like I hate you, take me to the mall? There's a lot of push-pull that happens in teenage relationships particularly with kids that feel insecure. They want independence, they want to be adults but are often terrified about what will happen if they screw up - will mom or dad really have their back or will they be swinging in the wind.
The other stuff... The you Can't get married, go away or have another child (particularly as she has a younge sib already) .... I wouldn't call that normal exactly but it seems to be common among children of divorce, particularly girls. It's often in conjunction with other undesirable behavior.
The thing is, the whole attitude of riding it out til she leaves for college is... well, stupid. It is a very short sighted way to approach this. She will not magically turn into an independent and functional adult by moving into a college dorm. She will not be any less needy or demanding because she away at school (and that's assuming she actually goes Away to school). Or when she gets married. Or when she has children. If he doesn't take steps to alter her perception of their relationship into appropriate perameters, then she will continue to voice her opinion and rain on your parade for as long as you're with her dad.
thank you for this. she is on
thank you for this. she is on her way to driving and getting a job; i am curious to see if/how the dynamic changes once she has the opportunity to be a bit more independent. she may actually like it. all in all she is a very good kid. stays out of trouble, gets great grades is very intelligent and fun. to be honest i think some of the issues stem from my own insecurities and frustrations i have at my own lack of a father; seeing how present my BF is for her makes me a little jealous if i'm honest with myself (jealous that my BioF was not around, not of BF...he is a great BF)
well that escalated
well that escalated quickly...my BF is a very good man; the fact that you make such general statements about him is somewhat surprising. i want to be a support in the situation.
oh we still have and make out
oh we still have and make out of town plans, each time BF has been incredibly present and extremely minimal contact. BF has been very clear to her that i am here to stay, she will not interfere in our relationship; and that his future is with me. He makes it very clear that while he loves his kids (and will admit that he made parenting mistakes in the past which he IS working on) he is not willing to sacrifice our relationship for her. He is unclinging her, and I am proud of him for it. To be honest, I think much of her resentment/issues are the fact that he is making these adjustments and she is acting out. I wrote the post above on a day where I was annoyed (we have been going through a few life changes and I don't handle change that well); what I didn't write about is how much he has actually started to hold her accountable and make strides.
I guess my question was/is more what is even "normal" for teenage girls these days? I wanted a perspective from the "teen" point of view.