I'm not sure I agree with Miss Manners-----
Dear Miss Manners: My stepchildren were dropped at our house and sent in with fast food to eat. As there are other children in the household, and as I was raised if you don’t have enough for everyone, you don’t take it, I sent their mother the following message: “In the future, please do not send fast food in with the kids. It is very disrespectful to the other kids that live in this house and are limited on the amount of fast food they are allowed.’’
This message then lead to a verbal confrontation, as she states that I have no right to tell her what her kids can or cannot bring into the house, and that the only one who was rude was me for sending her a message like that. I explained that I will stand up for my children whenever necessary and will not have them being disrespected in their own home.
We try to keep a level playing field in our home for all of the children, but it has been quite difficult. The animosity between the children due to repeated situations comparable to this are making it even more difficult.
Was she in the wrong, or was I, or were both of us?
Miss Manners:
Shared custody is challenging when the parties have already agreed that they no longer wish to share — that, in fact, the only remaining solution is separate households. But then, that separation should be treated with dignity and the recognition that each parent (or stepparent) is free, within reason, to set rules under each separate roof.
Your dealing with the children’s mother may reflect a wish not to put the children in the middle, although the high-horse talk about disrespect — instead of merely asking if the children could finish their snacks beforehand — was bound to be taken as a challenge.
The rules in their mother’s house allow fast food; those in yours do not. Once you make this clear to the children themselves without insulting their mother, Miss Manners assures you they will figure out on their own how to use the 50 feet from the car to your door to avoid having their fast food end up in the trash can.
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Comments
I think the first issue is
I think the first issue is that the SM messaged the BM, to me this should have been handled by DH/SO.
Second issue for me is that she also basically tells the kids to eat the food in the driveway before coming in to the house and pushes the issue on to the kids instead of of DH telling BM that if she does get them fast food on the way it needs to be eaten before the kids arrive to the house.
It would have been better if
It would have been better if DH/SO had that discussion.
If this was a subject that had to do with the upbringing of his kids, then definitely Dad should be the one talking to mom.
This had to do with SM's home (not so much for SM's own kids as she claims because BM has no horse in that race)and her rules and what she allows there.
It would have been better if
It would have been better if DH/SO had that discussion.
If this was a subject that had to do with the upbringing of his kids, then definitely Dad should be the one talking to mom.
This had to do with SM's home (not so much for SM's own kids as she claims because BM has no horse in that race)and her rules and what she allows there.
I think Miss Manners is
I think Miss Manners is saying that each household makes it's own rules and has every right to do so.
Bio mom has the right to purchase the junk food for her child and SM has the right to not allow it in her home.
Basically, the kids need to understand that there are separate rules and follow accordingly. BM buys happy meal, kids must eat what they can from the time of purchase to the driveway of SM's house. What isn't eaten goes in the trash.
Works for me if SM believes that strong about not allowing fast food.
If you take the "fast food"
If you take the "fast food" out of the equation, still rude.
Who sends their kid to someone's house with their dinner?
explain????
explain????
not that part, the part about
not that part, the part about level playing grounds.
Also, wouldn't your theory apply to the BM, too???
Wasn't she protecting her kids, too?
Ah got it though I don't see
Ah got it
though I don't see any mention of level playing field.
Perhaps I missed it.
The SM is talking out of both
The SM is talking out of both sides of her mouth here a little bit.
1. If you don't have enough to share, don't have it in front of other people.
2. I don't allow fastfood.
So, if the BM had sent the kids in with enough for SM's kids would it be ok?
The other complaint that I could see happening is that the kids are always dropped off hungry. My DH's kids always showed up in need of a meal. BM basically fed them in the local mexijoint and drive up window of McD's.
Would SM prefer to be faced with hungry kids right away that she had to deal with?
What's wrong with SM telling her kids that she can't control what the kids get from their BM but that SHE (SM) doesn't believe in a lot of fast food. Are her kids harmed every time they see someone else getting a treat or benefit that they aren't getting? Should Mom call all the other parents and tell them to have their kids keep their Iphones at home because she doesn't believe in it and doesn't want her kids in class with kids that DO have them?
SM, be thankful you aren't having to drop everything or pay to feed kids at every turnover of custody. If you don't want your kiddos watching the other kids eat, have them be in different locations.
Oh.. yeah, let the BD deal with it with BM/skids.
Yeah, Miss Manners saying the
Yeah, Miss Manners saying the kids will figure it out is not the best answer. Agreed, however, that the SM was unnecessarily (accidentally?) confrontational.
Better to have told the kids: Next time, please finish your snacks before you come inside. Otherwise, your snacks will have to go in the garbage.
And to BM: BM, would you please have the skids finish their snacks before coming in?
BM does this quite often with
BM does this quite often with SD, takes her out to eat then sends her home with her food. Maybe it's revenge for my not cooking for SD or taking her out to eat (because I demand that she be respectful towards me if I do those things for her). Plus going out to eat in our household is a very very rare occasion occasion, maybe once every month or two, we eat seriously healthy in our home and dining out usually gives me a stomach ache, and I'm sure BM eats out way more often, so maybe BM feels guilt that SD may feel left out when they go out to eat when she's not there. Who knows?
I simply do not care, if her mom wants to take her out to eat and feed her junk... more power to her. My kids understand SD has different rules and different parents than they do, even DH parents them differently, he's like a BFF to SD, and he's an actual dad to our kids, and that's just the way it is. They're not jealous at all.
Right? Sheesh - I thought
Right?
Sheesh - I thought it was just me.
Who cares if the skids have fast food? Don't want your kids to eat fast food? Don't buy it for them - lol!
And, really, can a food be disrespectful??
Picking your battles is key in steplife and this certainly isn't one of them.
I would have said "kids, put that in the fridge for later."
Done. Period. Dot.
Yep - this is exactly what I
Yep - this is exactly what I would have done.
BM always sends SS with
BM always sends SS with parting gifts to the house be it a toy, a snack, a drink, a whole to-go box of cold fish; its annoying, but it really doesn't have anything to do with her inserting anything into our house (thus far). I have a sneaking feeling she lets SS4 run all over her demanding this or that and she gives in not wanting to tell him no or be that 'bad guy' for telling him he cant bring his "most favorite toy in the whole wide world" back to DH's. What probably happened was the kid didnt want to eat whatever BM had to offer at the house and waited until they were in the car on the way to DH to tell her how absolutely starving he was so she picked him up something not thinking about it. Maybe its because of the BM I have to deal with but I seriously doubt she pulled up to Burger King like "yep son, order anything you want so you can go show SM and her kids you get to eat fast-food whether she likes it or not". I just don't see that but that being said I think my SS's BM sends him over with toys and junk or whatever just because he whines/begs/pleads/convinces her that he absolutely needs it to be happy so she gives in not wanting to be the bad guy right before drop off. I know some of these BMs think they are setting these BDs up to be the bad guy that breaks their little snowflakes's hearts by ripping away their stuff away from them but in this case I don't think the fast-food has malicious intent.
Twat Waffle is notorious for
Twat Waffle is notorious for doing just this. She sends SS (Quitty) to my house constantly with sweets, but just enough for him. A donut and Mountain Dew for breakfast is the breakfast of champions to her, granted ss is 9 but this has been her pattern for the last five years.
It's frustrating but hey, not my monkey not my circus. When ss ends up diabetic or obese it won't be my concern either.
Would SM have been happier if
Would SM have been happier if BM had dropped the kids off hungry and whiny? I agree with the poster above that said "pick your battles." This kind of confrontation over BM feeding her own children and not bringing food for their step siblings is just ridiculous.
SMs kids are 19 months and 3
SMs kids are 19 months and 3 months old. I doubt they even understand. There are going to be hints that the older kids can do that they can't.
I would question why mom had to feed them on the fly. If it's because the drop off is right after she gets off work and SM doesn't cook for them, I can totally understand why mom would grab something quick to make sure they are fed.
If I was mom in this instance, I would tell dad that the kids eat at X time. He'll get the kids when they are done. I'd have a big problem with my kids being forced to eat outside on the steps before they could come in.
Op isn't in this situation,
Op isn't in this situation, she was posting a miss manners column. Doesn't say how old the sms kids are,
i agree 100%. "their mommy
i agree 100%.
"their mommy bought it for them. but you know my rules for YOU guys, and you know my reasons."
if it was really that big of a deal, the dh should have been the one to text the bm "hey, i'd appreciate if you have the kids eat before they get here, as i dont allow fast food in my house."
I agree with Miss Manners...
I agree with Miss Manners... the statement made by the SM was high horsish and I would have taken it badly if BM texted me some such nonsense.
Something along the lines of "Hey, I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but would it be at all possible for you to make sure skids eat their fast food before they come to our house? My kids aren't allowed to eat that, and it causes animosity between the two that I like to avoid at all costs."