To drive or not to drive is the question---
Happy Holidays you guys!!
SO wants to help his 2 kids (twins) get a car but since his ex wife doesn’t even own a car he is rightfully worried if he gets them a car she will take it over and they will be too scared to tell us. Not like SO could do anything if she did decide to take it over except to go get it. I say no car for the kids until their mother gets her own car. He doesn’t know what to tell his kids regarding why he won’t help them get a car. I say to be honest and tell them the truth but he thinks that saying that telling them the truth is trashing the mom. She hasn’t had a car in a bout 4 years, the transmission went out in hers so instead of fixing it she rented a car when she didn’t have one to borrow from family. Bright huh?
He asked me to ask you all for some feedback on what you all would do if you were in the same position.
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Do you all live in the same
Do you all live in the same area? If so, then the car stays at your house. If not, then just say no car right now.
I agree with this. DH and I
I agree with this. DH and I have shockingly talked about this. 7 years in advance. Even assuming BM is around or takes interest in the Skids or isn't so high she doesn't even know where the skids are by that point... Any car we get won't even belong to them, it'll be a "family car" on loan to them to use when they're with us only. The car will never go to BM's.
I think that's totally a fair thing, cars aren't cheap, you're investing, sure for their convenience, but you shouldn't have to worry about BM taking it because she wants it. So either no car or car for use when at your house...
No, we live 3 hours away.
No, we live 3 hours away.
How old are the twins who
How old are the twins who want the car?
They will be 16 in a few
They will be 16 in a few months and have both completed driving school.
I believe there are trackers
I believe there are trackers with cameras that can be put in cars to see who is driving and what they are doing. If I am correct in these things existing, and your DH wants to get them a car, he should purchase one.
He lays down rules for his kids regarding the car: No texting, no drinking, no eating, and no one else driving the car, their mother included. Explain that the car is in his name and only his kids are listed as approved drives outside himself and you. If he notices either of them breaking a rule from video, or either of them trying to disconnect/cover up the camera, the cars goes away permanently. Your DH should relay these rules to BM, too.
If BM decides to take the car and the car gets taken away, the kids will have to take it up with their mother.
This is interesting input, we
This is interesting input, we hadn't thought of the little tracker things. See, this is why I knew to ask you smarties in step land.
He doesn’t have to trash BM
He doesn’t have to trash BM to state that she is not allowed to drive the car. It can be presented as an insurance issue. Not even naming BM directly - just that there are ZERO others allowed to drive the car if not named on the policy.
And that there will be dire consequences for failure to comply.
Good point, that is very
Good point, that is very true, thank you notasm3.
Why does he feel like he owes
Why does he feel like he owes them an explanation for why he’s not getting them a car? This certainly seems to be Generation E for Entitlement.
I'm sorry, I see that I
I'm sorry, I see that I didn't provide enough details in my original post. The kids have saved up $1200 to buy a car. We don't want to give them a car.
After all this input from you guys I think we need to tell the kids to have their mother buy the car with their savings from his mom and that lets us out of the picture altogether. If she drives the car then that is the kids problem to deal with and has nothing to do with us if the car is in her name. The original worry was that it would be in SO's name and she would be taking it from them to drive it.
Yes, if they are buying the
Yes, if they are buying the car with their savings and it's going to be at BM's, just let the twins and BM handle it.
OHHHHH! This makes more
OHHHHH! This makes more sense. if it's their savings then they should go for it, in their name.... Removing yourselves from the picture is provavly smart!
I'm thinking the next issue
I'm thinking the next issue will be that she will want him to split the insurance which he is fine with helping pay for the kids insurance but he won't want to pay for her to be on the insurance.
Tell him to make that a
Tell him to make that a stipulation. Or he can even get the insurance plan out maybe? then he knows it's for sure JUST FOR THEM?
This is an insurance
This is an insurance nightmare.
I don’t know where you live but here unless BM is named on the insurance she cannot drive the car. If she does anyway and gets into an accident you will have to charge her with theft.
BM taking and using the car as if it were hers is exactly why SD didn’t get a car from us. She’d been promised a car because she got a full scholarship to Uni.
When we went to the dealership to look at cars the salesman said “Oh your wife and daughter were already here, these are the two cars they picked out.”
DH was livid. He called BM who said SD doesn’t need the expensive car you were going to get her. We picked out cheaper cars for both of us. DH said I’m not buying you a car!
He was afraid SD would sell the car he bought for her or simply allow BM to drive it all the time.
SD didn’t get a car.
A few years later, SD had bought her own car and been in an accident. It wasn’t her fault but she was without a car and desperately needed one to get to school and work.
We rented one for her while we all looked for a car for her.
On the day we were supposed to return it SD sheepishly said BM has it. BM had taken the rental out of town and left SD to drive her POS!
I had the rental guy explain that it was illegal for BM to drive it and that they could charge her with theft.
SD was horrified!
In the end it all BMs bull worked for us. SD learned to check with us or check things on her own and not take BMs word for anything.
Thank you all! I think we are
Thank you all!
I think we are going to tell the kids to give the money to their mom, she can buy the car from SO's mom and they can internally deal with any issues when she constantly takes it from them. I talked to SO and we will request copies of the insurance cards so we know he is only helping pay for their portion of it, in case she does add herself to the list of drivers.
The insurance issue is what
The insurance issue is what really struck me. Who is paying for it and who are the authorized drivers ... If the twins let BM borrow the car to go to the doctor and then BM she feels ill, let's her BFF drive it & there is an accident. There are so many ways this can go poorly. Tags, title, liability.
Young drivers are challenging on their own. I'd look into a tracker for the car. You may never need it, but ... Also, I have a dash-cam for my BS's truck. In my experience, when a youngster gets into an accident with an adult, they are ill-prepared. Faced with an angry adult, the kids may cop to something that they didn't do and frequently get blamed without proof.
I think your last idea of having the kids give the $ to BM to buy the car is pretty smart. Papertrail it with notes in the memo line of a check & perhaps clear emails which delineate the amount and intent of SO's contribution. Good luck.
Thank you Indigo, we shall
Thank you Indigo, we shall see how he tackles it. I think your dash cam idea is fantastic BTW, I can see how that would really help in a situation with a teenager in an accident.
There are some good dash-cams
There are some good dash-cams out there, but I just purchased an economical one that plugs into the cigarette lighter. It looks like a Go=Pro and cost under $50. A friend of the family is an attorney for a major insurance company. He mentioned that dash-cams have changed the face of accident recovery. Flustered teens, especially the earnest good-kid type are at risk, IMHO.
(Aside: BS-16 is in a high-risk/high-insurance category, but I don't want him to get buffaloed by some "my-kids-could-have-been-killed" screaming adult. He breaks it, he buys it and I want him to be accountable ... but he is still a kid and video of what actually happened cannot hurt either way.)