Hi everyone. I am relatively new here, and up until now I've just been a lurker. This group has meant a lot to me ….just to know that I am not alone and to better understand how I got here.

A bit about me: DH and I have been married for almost two decades. He has two children – a young man of 33 and young woman of 34. They were teens when DH and I got together and heavily PAS'd by their mother, who is very wealthy and dotes on them with lavish gifts, cars, trips, etc. (a huge factor, as you can imagine). Plus, I suspect that when their marriage was intact, DH let BM do most of the heavy lifting in terms of raising the kids as he is an emotionally distant type.

In the early years of our marriage I really tried to woo his kids. Not to be a “mom” because they were already teens and had a mom, but to create a sense of connection that I hoped we could all enjoy. I went to soccer games and horse shows, I bought birthday and graduation gifts, I signed dozens of holiday and congrat cards. I invited them to parties and dinners. Ya'll know the drill.

Despite all that Skids disliked/resented me from the start (what an understatement). SD in particular picked up on BM's dislike of me and ran with it. In nearly 20 years SD never has asked me a single question about myself, my work, my anything. Anytime I spoke, she spoke over me or changed the subject in the middle of my sentence. She was constantly rude to me in front of DH, and in front of strangers. It is amazing how she could sit on my sofa, in my home, and be so rude.

I then went through a phase where I would avoid being here, at my own home, so that SD and DH could visit. I thought I was giving them breathing space.

All these years I suffered all of it for the love of my DH, and the false belief I was being a bigger/kinder person, a supportive wife. What a flipping idiot.

Skids have never once wished me happy birthday, Christmas, anniversary etc. Nor did they acknowledge when my beloved dad died, or when our dog died. The stories could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. From what I read around here, it is the same old stuff.

SS lives nearby and we see him maybe twice a year. He comes over, is pissy and doesn't talk to DH. Looks at his phone all the time. Agrees to come to dinner, but doesn't show and texts apology at last minute. Etc...etc. Again, I don't think he and DH have ever been really close, but at least SS is polite on the rare occasions he does see me

SD is considered a pillar of her church, she served as a missionary overseas and everyone just loves her. But she is basically a middle school mean girl, at least when it comes to me. DH is her co-conspirator. They can talk on the phone for an hour and never mention me. They text each other all the time. It is like DH is single. But make no mistake – SD is frequently mean to DH as well – pent up anger from being PASd and, again, I believe SD and DH's pre-divorce relationship wasn't very strong to begin with.

Last summer SD was talking about having a baby, and I chimed in about something and she interrupted me to point out I was childless and wouldn't know what she was talking about. Well, I have gone through childbirth, had a son who died in infancy. Decades ago. She wouldn't know, because I am invisible. DH knew this, but didn't say a word. I got up from the table and went into the kitchen and started doing the dishes. I wanted to tell her but I couldn't. I was afraid I would start crying. She is a grown woman, for crying out loud. How could she be so thoughtless? How could DH not say something?

DH is always compliant with SD, completely desperate to have a relationship with her. He always accused me of being the problem.
it DH said “so what? Why are you always complaining about my children?"

DH then said it will be fun when SD gets pregnant and we become grandparents. Are you kidding? SD and BM will not let me near that child. I want no part of it. Just another tool to make me feel an outsider. DH can grandparent away with my blessings, but no thanks.

During the wedding fiasco I finally I realized that DH is more culpable than his Skids in all of this. I went to therapy. I went alone, didn't even ask DH to go. I needed some clarity.

So now we have New Rules. Here they are:

1. I encourage DH to have as much time with his skids as he can get. Holidays, whatever. All good. Have at it.

2. SS is welcome in my home (because he never comes here and, when he does, he is not deliberately rude to me). SD is not welcome here at all.. No more of her dropping over for lunch and taking over the house for two days ("Oh,my plans fell through can I just crash here Dad?"). No more of someone being rude to me, the very person who bought this home originally, and who bought and paid for the couch she is sitting her rude arse on. Nor am I going to leave and hideout at the bookstore to accommodate a visit between SD and DH. I am done. Done.

3. No more of my involvement with either skid. If DH wants my name on a card, he can sign it. No more of me being a human shield for DH at his uncomfortable lunches with skids. Done.

4. I don't ask about skids....EVER. This is hard because of course I'm curious. But the longer you do it, the easier it gets. Especially in light of how DH previously hoarded info about them, their visiting plans, etc. until the last minute.

5. No more gaslighting by my passive-aggressive DH. I've read up on the subject and dealt with it in therapy and now when he complains about why am I overreacting to something (skid or non-skid related) I call him on it. His bullying./gaslighting attempts seldom even upset me anymore because now I understand what he's doing. No more walking on eggshells while he positions himself as the victim. I am done being a doormat. Believe it or not, this has made a huge difference is our relationship – for the better.

6. If he doesn't like any of it, he can leave. Yes. That's where I am at and let me tell you, it is freeing. That's where this has taken me. I don't want a divorce, because we are quite companionable. And he would get half of my home, which is my primary asset (of course, he has nothing) and I fear I wouldn't be left with enough to survive, especially at my age with my disability. But I will not compromise ever again on how I am treated, and I know, should it come to it, that I would survive.

The test will be this summer. SD has already announced she will be coming to town to visit friends and family, and I will be curious to see how DH handles it. "What am I supposed to tell her when she wants to come over?" he asked several months ago, when I established the new rules. "I don't care," was my answer.

Since new rules were established DH and I have been getting along really well, so I wonder if he thinks I will soften on SD vising our home. I will not. I am trying not to be anxious about it.

I will keep this blog posted. Thanks for everything. Sorry this is so long, but I've had no one to talk to other than paid therapist, lol.