DH
DH is so sad that I am disengaging. In a rather eventful week, I wrote a letter to BM trying to explain where I'm coming from and what has led me to realize that a relationship with her children is not something I am going to wreck myself over anymore. (I have told DH and even the twins these things many times before.)
So of course she won't even respond to my email but responds to DH instead. His response is the same old "Boo hoo, I'm so sick of being in the middle of all this", etc.
Next morning I sent her a text to the point of "Let's be grown-ups and meet for coffee and discuss this stuff. Our go-between can stay at home and enjoy time with his kids and we can maybe try to figure out how to put past in the past and forge a new path forward."
She claimed to not have received it (um, "Delivered"?! is what my phone said- omg) and HE ASKED ME TO FORWARD IT TO HIM SO THAT HE COULD SEND IT TO HER AGAIN. AND I DID. But not before saying to him, "I hate being in the middle. Please put me in the middle."
So of course she lacks the balls or something to meet with me alone- wants to do it with him there- and would not respond to me. I am so out. And of course now *I* am the bad guy- the one who has all these stipulations.
How can it be a surprise to either of these people that I want nothing to do with their manipulative children?!
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Comments
That's why I said
That's why I said "disengaging". We were examining the possibility of doing an exploration as to how we can move forward- with support from both their houses- but of course BM won't examine her role in how things got this way so that idea is dashed.
That's it right there,
That's it right there, LadyFace. I hate it but that is the only thing about all of this that makes sense. How is it possible that BMs can be like this? And pass it on to their spawn?
It makes it a lot more
It makes it a lot more difficult when you have bios living in the same house and you both work and have tons of activities and DH gets on really well with DS11 and DD10 and does tons of stuff for them. I feel like fully disengaging would hurt everyone here, not just DH/SSs but MY kids as well. Has anyone who has disengaged, done so with skids but their DH still does tons of stuff for their bio kids? How the heck would I go about disengaging from them while everyone else gets on?!
Disengaging from BM and MIL
Disengaging from BM and MIL were the best things I've ever done. Helped my relationship with my SKIDS and I didn't have to completely disengage from them.
It seems like you are wanting
It seems like you are wanting permission to disengage. Just do it and who cares if they like it or not. Of course they aren't going to like it but screw it, who matters more, them or you?
BM2 once told DH she wanted
BM2 once told DH she wanted her and I to meet and have coffee. I told DH Hell to the no!!! Why the fuck would I want to sit and have coffee with a troll. Sorry, I don't hang out under bridges. There is NOTHING BM could say to me that would change my feelings about her. ACTIONS speak louder than words. When you continually act like an ass, it's because you are an ass. Coffee and a donut and a half assed "apology" isn't going to change the facts.
Let DH deal with her. BM and
Let DH deal with her. BM and his kids are his problem to deal with. Let him deal. I know it's easier said than done but you have to disengage and that means with BM also!
I don't consider asking her
I don't consider asking her in straightforward language to meet me, "baiting" her- but I get what you're saying.
There's absolutely nothing
There's absolutely nothing for you to discuss with BM. The path you are forging forward on should not have BM on it.
Noted and thanks. I also love
Noted and thanks. I also love your quote. It is utterly true.
I appreciate all your
I appreciate all your comments and advice, first and foremost. Thank you for taking time to comment.
I guess what I was thinking was: things are so desperately bad in this house right now. I can't stand SSs and it is killing DH. The main reason that things are so bad is because of how BM has acted over the years.
Last weekend, she texted DH and asked what is going on here; they were supposedly moping around feeling sad but they wouldn't tell her anything. (I find this story unbelievable, btw, but DH was really sad about the possibility that it was true. She plans a manic schedule of sleepovers, play dates, activities, foods, late bedtimes, etc. when they are with her that I don't think for a minute that there was time for them to even think of this house.)
I believe in the power of communication. But I am quickly learning that people who aren't willing to listen, or who don't have the balls to even respond, are not able to communicate. This includes her and SSs. People can only meet others as deeply as they've met themselves, no matter how pure then intention of the one requesting the meeting.
You're right. I need to not contact her. It's a dream of mine dying hard- addressing the blocks of the past to pave the way for a new future.
Rule #1 never, ever, ever,
Rule #1 never, ever, ever, ever discuss skid problems with BM, that is DH's job, discuss the weather, talk about your favorite nail salon, heck compliment her on how wonderful her children are (if you can do it with a straight face), but don't bring your problems to BM.
Do not contact BM, ever. She
Do not contact BM, ever. She will relish in any problems you are having in your private life . Write a letter to DH asking him to parent instead .