Not a new member...I have been here before...Need a little help with a situation concerning DH

A little background...

DH has a Stepdaughter with BM. Dh has investigated for having a sexual relationship with the daughter when she was 16 years old. The investigation was unfounded and it "seemed" at the time that SD was lying. She was a known liar and he was not the first man she mentioned. BM's brother was arrested for having sex with her. Our attorney informed dh that he needed to "stay the hell away from that child". He explained that even though she called him daddy, he wasn't anything legal to him and that he would eventually be wearing prison stripes. DH did what he was told and stayed away from her until now.
She is 21 now and has a child of her own. I have warned him again to stay the hell away from her. He says that BM told her to lie about him...whatever just stay away. He has decided to form a relationship with her and hangs out with her more than his own daughter. She isn't allowed in my house. I started to get a weird feeling about their relationship. DH has a 13 year old daughter who he sees outside of the home (long story social services was called on me and I refused to let her in my house for about 2 years now). DH would always complain that he didn't have enough money to get his daughter more than once a weekend. He was pushing me to let her back into the house. Now with his step daughter, he sees her 2 to 3 times a week and they talk ALL the time on the phone. I actually became curious one day and looked at his text messages from her. Some were deleted but he did have one where she stated...Good morning Father, he tells her that seems to formal for him...she then changes it to Good morning, Love. If he responded back, he deleted the text. I found that about a week ago. I have been laying low and trying to see if it was just some kind of sick joke between the two of them. She really doesn't have ANY boundaries and he never enforced any with her. She was always the mini wife with him.

Last night, I noticed he was on facebook chat. He was chatting with an "old" friend from high school. They have chatted before and I questioned some of the things this friend (who happens to be female was saying). Again it wasn't anything but a few words and he never responded. Tonight, I was sitting on my bed with my laptop and I have a clear view of him at the desk with his computer. I decided to check his facebook to see what was up. Well, they are chatting away and he keeps minimizing his chat down. About every 3 or 4 minutes he would get up and come kiss me on the check. Of course, I clicked off his facebook and I had another window open. He had been chatting with her 20 or 30 minutes before I even looked at the chat. I was in the shower and he deleted most of it. The chat goes like this when I start reading. Keep in mind she is in another state and lives about 1 to 2 hours from DH's mom. He deleted the chat last night but doesn't know that I saw it and saved it.

Here is the actually chat. I copied and pasted it.

HER. Wow then you will have a drive to visit with me

HIM. but it will be worth it

HER. How far is that from (TOWN THAT SHE LIVES IN)

HIM couple of hours i believe

HER Oh wow maybe I can drive half way or something became I really want to see you it's been a long time !!

HIM we could do that halfway if you like or i could go all the way.

HER You will just have to figure that one out I just don't want you to have to hurry with our visit

HIM i won't..

HIM Yes you will you have toI can talk to my mom and i would have (My Step Daughter)help with the kids plus i am spending a week

HER Oh you are that would be great but if I drive half way I will get a room for the night so we can visit longer

HIM sounds good

HER I tho I do too so as time gets closer you will have to let me know for sure your dates so I can start to plan as well

HIM i will let you know head of time

HER Sounds good I had forgotten how funny you were and always made me laugh but I've been seeing some of your stuff and its made me laugh and remember how much fun I had with you !!!

HIM yep those were the good times

HER Yes they were because if I had. Bad day I knew you were always there for me to make me smile again !!

HIM lol...that was my purpose

HER It was I never knew that

HIM yeah ..we figure these things out after the fact

HER Yeah after the fact I married an ASS like (her exhusband's name) I sure wish I would have known

HIM yeah i am sorry about that...just was not brave enough

HER You were brave to me

HIM about telling you

HER Kim my eyes you were brave because you were always there for me and I loved you for that this was just one reason !!!

HIM I know...it was crazy times we had.

HER Yes it was they were the best and I would have not traded any of those times you were one of the only people that my dad trusted and would let you even come into my room and even me into yours

HIM yep....i was a safe kinda guy...lol

HER That is a GREAT thing in my eyes be a use I knew you would always take care of me !!

HIM yes i would

HER I often wondered what a kiss from you would be like

HIM i don't know i didn't kiss alot of girls at that time..lol

HER That could have been a good thing though I'm sure you would have done a good job wouldn't you -!

HIM of course i would

HER I bet thAt would be because it was me !!!! LOL

HIM YEP..

The conversation then goes to call me tomorrow night.

DH has an hour commute home from work. He normally calls me during this time. The past week he always seems to get a call from his mother, his daughter, BM...and he talks for about 30 minutes to them and then calls me back. Keep in mind he rarely talks to any of the people and it just seemed odd that they were calling all within the same week. I honestly feel he is talking to this woman.

Please keep in mind that she KNOWS he is married. I feel they are both at fault. I am not sure exactly when he is planning this "visit" with his mother. She lives over 8 hours away. DH volunteered to work on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day...he even says he has to work that weekend. Keep in mind he NEVER volunteers to work a holiday. He is up to something.

I have been trying to think of a way to show him his little chat and that I know about it. I didn't mention anything last night. I am off work this week and I didn't tell him. I work from home and was going to do a little spying on him and SD on Wednesday. He has plans to meet her. Should I wait and spy and have more evidence or should I just present it and tell him to get the hell out. Am I making too much of this? Am I looking for something that isn't there?

I need opinions on what would you do?

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^^That's exactly what I would

^^That's exactly what I would do. Save all those texts, chats and any other evidence you can find. He'll be fine, he can go stay with mini wife SD or his high school hook up. The thing with SD is just gross, I can't even imagine how disgusting that is for you. The fact that his high school "friend" wants to hook up with a married man is pathetic. It sounds like they'll make a great couple, perhaps SD can join and they can have a threesome or become sister wives.

I busted my hubby in a

I busted my hubby in a similar way. Discovery day was Jan 9 2009. But around Xmas he left up a chat window and I chatted with a stranger for about 30 mins pretending I was him waiting to see if I would get any evidence and I didn't but my spidey senses were tingling bad, bad, bad but hey I was married with two kids and pregnant with our third. But he totally left his email up Jan 9 and there were a lot of emails from an Amy. Clicked on one, just one, and it was bj's in a hotel room. My world came crashing down. There were signs that I missed and ignored cause I just didn't want to believe. He was working part time at a video store. In November I had popped in unexpectedly with the kids and he comes out of the unisex bathroom with a woman who couldn't look me in the eye and beelined it out of the store. My immediate thought was he was cheating but I rationalized it in my mind like "he was probably bringing her papertowels and the store slammed shut." Nah. The emails contained how freaked out they were and how they couldn't believe I didn't figure it out then.

I belong to a website called Leave A Cheater, Gain a Life. www.chumplady.com I highly recommend going over there and just reading, reading, reading. But I totally had the courage to leave him and divorce him and I gave birth all alone and raised our three daughters as a divorced single mom and I would do it all over again!!!!!!!! I had to get an AIDS test while pregnant for GOD's sake! It meant working two jobs for a while, a full time one and a part time one for a couple of years. It means I'm not going to have my kids this year Xmas morning. but oh well, I deal with it cause I'm not going to put up with a cheater! and I tell you what, I'm way better off for it. I'm here for you if he's cheating or about to. (my opinion... he's about to. either way his behavior is totally disrespectful to you and your marriage!). seriously, read at that website I was telling you about. It's helped me wonders.

Thank you for the link to the

Thank you for the link to the website. I am going to be reading it. Luckily, we do not have any children together. I was married to a cheater before and busted him. I waited over 10 years to marry again and I seemed to stumble right into the same crap over again. I wanted this marriage to work so badly that I did overlook a lot of issues with his SD as just being a "mini wife".

I have been paying all the household bills here plus my expenses for awhile now. I am sure, I will be able to make it financially. I am just hoping I can get him out of my house without a fight. To be honest, it seems to be the best Christmas gift he ever gave me.

Thank you for the link to the

And I had a relationship with

And I had a relationship with another man, and he was doing what your hubby was doing on facebook. I just waited and checked again and again and again.. and eventually he left it up and whamo. he was busted again. You'd of thought he would have learned where my ex -husband failed, but nope. He told me he was visiting a friend in Orlando, a male. He left that friend's to drive to Atlanta and spent the night with a woman.

I have also found that just grabbing their cellphone and running and locking yourself in the bathroom with the phone will also show if they are cheating. You need never get into their stuff but if they come pounding on that bathroom door in a panic, then they are cheating.

Yes, over protective of the

Yes, over protective of the phone or computer = problem!
I have no issues with anyone seeing anything on my electronics because I don't do anything wrong. Even if DP were to run across this site, it would be ok with me.

How I finally figured out what was going on with my exH was that we were on a road trip. I picked up his phone (mine was stuffed in my bag) to check out some music and text back a mutual friend and he totally FREAKED OUT on me. That's when it clicked and a couple months later I found some hidden emails on his laptop....which he had moved from the office to his dresser and, again, he freaked out whenever I went near that device. Idiot.

He doesn't realize that he

He doesn't realize that he also did me a favor by having me pay the household bills. I KNOW I can take care of myself financially. I started paying when he lost his job almost 2 years ago. He worked at a low cost job and a few months ago, he finally found a good paying job. I was giving him a few months to "catch up" on paying his bills before I started asking for half of the household bills.

I am still in shock with his SD. I can't believe that I didn't see it when she was 16. At the time, I was on this site and everything she was doing could be easily explained as a "mini wife". Once the investigation took place, he didn't see her again to my knowledge until about a month or so ago. Red flags started flying almost immediately with me.

I also busted my DH using

I also busted my DH using email and then fb chat to "communicate" with women. We are both in therapy -- individual, not couples. It wasn't a fault in our marriage that led DH to stray--it was his own issues that had nothing to do with me. Our marriage will survive (and in some ways it's better now) but damn it's hard work.

I would confront him. He is likely to blame you for all sorts of things--snooping, not trusting him, being too controlling, he hates your haircut, all sorts of things real and imagined. He's deflecting and gaslighting. The essence is that he is having inappropriate communication with at least one, and maybe two, and who knows how many more, women. You will not tolerate that in a marriage.

You will want to believe the lies he tells you. And you won't really know when he's lying and when he's telling you the truth. He will either demonstrate his love for you by stopping his bad behavior, or he will continue to be sneaky to satisfy his own ego or whatever he's fulfilling within himself. That likely leads to guilt and shame, and the way to escape that is more ego boosting from these women. It's a horrible cycle. Just know that this has NOTHING to do with you. NOTHING. But there is no reason for you to tolerate his bad behavior because it absolutely does affect you. It's not about you, but it has big impact on your life. So you must take care of yourself.

It sucks. I'm sorry you're dealing with this mess.

Wow, I don't have any

Wow, :jawdrop: I don't have any advice as I've not experienced this. My thoughts, hugs and good Juju are with you, stay strong!

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Not a new member...I have been here before...Need a little help with a situation concerning DH

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