What about you all go DH and skids stay in a hotel That way if need be your DH can still be close to you for comfort?

Sorry to hear about your mother and all the stress you are dealing with on top of this.

I kind of feel sorry for your DH though. He is stuck in the middle and you have asked him to choose YOU or SKIDS. That's a really shitty place to put someone in, regardless of the why behind it. It might be a bit different if DH saw skids all the time, but he gets MAYBE 12 days a year? It seems to me like you're asking for an "all or nothing" Either he comes with you and is by your side 24/7 or he doesn't. I actually liked the idea someone had above of him coming and staying in a hotel with skids. It seems like a good compromise to me.

It really sucks when BM changes her plans and it effects our lives. I mean really really sucks.

I understand your feelings. You want your DH to be by your side during this emotional time in your life. I mean isn't that one of the things we look for in relationships, emotional support.

I'm going to be going against the grain here but your DH moved AWAY from his kids. He decided a job was more important then being involved in his kids lives. He is seeing his kids about as much as a distant grandparent would. It makes me believe he doesn't place much value on seeing his children.

I think he should be by your side.

I think that at this stage the argument is lost. If you do manage to persuade him to come to your mom's with you he will just be resentful that he isn't with his kids and you will resent him for being that way and you won't be able to enjoy a peaceful time with your mom.

I know it is painful, but you will have to go on your own.

Forget about the stuff at home. If you want to, put precious stuff away where the kids won't get at it and warn your husband that it better not get moved. Tell him you don't want to hear about what they get up to while they are there, you just want to be able to focus on your mom. Then forget about it. You have much more important things to worry about than what mischief a couple of kids get up to while you are gone. If they break some toys, so be it. Be grateful that you don't have to be there with them and you already have your own plans. Enjoy the precious time with your mom and letting your kids enjoy their grandma a little longer.

At the end of the day it is your mom who is dying, not your husband's. He will always pick his kids over your mom. Be grateful you had your mom with you when you were growing up, I presume she was there for more than 12 days a year and you have lots of good memories. I can't imagine how tough it must be to only see your kids for 12 days a year and turning down multiple days with them including a birthday would be extremely tough for him. Yes you could do with the moral support, but he will only be a phone call away and will be there when you get back.

I think your DH's first responsibility is to his children, honestly, you're a grown woman, not a little kid, you do not need to hold your DH's hand to get through this. I lost my father, DH watched SD at home, we didn't have a BM that was so convenient to just drop her off with, he actually had to do his part and raise his kid...

I never even gave a thought as to whether SD and DH should come. After all, they barely knew my dad, they certainly didn't know him when I was growing up, when he was healthy (totally different person), for all DH's good intentions, he was not at all helpful to me, in fact, after his death DH would ask me why I was still crying about it, 5 years later if something triggers it, I still cry, and he still asks, he simply cannot understand my grief.

It doesn't really matter what he should or shouldn't do. He wants to be with his kids, she wants him by her side as her mom dies.

Think through both scenarios.

If he goes with her he will be annoyed the whole time and moping that he isn't with his kids and won't be of much comfort to his wife.

If he stays with the kids, she will be upset, but will have her family there to support her and will not have to deal with a grumpy husband at the same time as a dying mother. She will be able to focus on her mom and her kids.

To me option 2 sounds like the best one even if it is shitty.

And then of course there is option 3 of trying to work out some sort of compromise so he can have his kids and be there for her.

A theoretical answer as to who is more important at this time is not really helpful. A practical approach as to how to get them both through this with the least resentment and guilt and most support is better.

Death of one's mother is a ONE TIME thing. There is no room for "trading off" and "we'll do it differently next time." Hopefully there will be many more years with the children.

But - no one needs assholes around them during a time of grief. And this guy sounds like a huge asshole. "Your mother is dying - I don't give a shit - it's no big deal to me - I'm going to let my kids come and trash all your kids stuff and there's nothing you can do about it bitch". That's the attitude I'm reading from him.

Doesn't matter whether the OP is a selfish brat or Mother Teresa - this guy is being cruel on purpose with statements about how his kids can have access to her kids belongings since she won't be there to stop it.

OP - yes it would be best if your DH was a kind and compassionate man who would be there for you - but he's not. He's an asshole. You are probably better off suffering your grief alone than with an asshole. Believe me - I've been there with that during my mother's prolonged death from cancer.

If you are in USA cant you take FMLA time off work to be with your mom now? I am very sorry what you are going through, very sorry.

I stopped reading the comments about a third of the way through this.

I am going to take the unpopular opinion of the OP. Thanksgiving is not her DH's holiday. They already had plans. OP's mother hasn't long to live. For whatever reasons, it's been established that the skids don't come to OP's home. She doesn't want the skids there unsupervised (we all know that father's are not good at boundaries, supervising or saying "NO" to their kids). She doesn't want the skids in her kids' rooms. Again, understandable - I wouldn't want anyone in MY bedroom.

I think her DH needs to alter his plans and be with OP.

Sounds like a lot going on. Its not his holiday with them. You guys already had this schedule. BM dumped this on you guys. DH will have extra time with his kids that he doesn't normally get and honestly, 12 days a year isn't much at all.

You will just have to do some give and take. I understand this is a very difficult time for you but marriage is about compromise. You will have to find a place to meet in the middle.

It sounds like you want it your way, all the time and you aren't willing to give that up. I have no skids allowed in my house rule, but they are adults. So I get it. But if my mom was dying and the skids were going to end up at the house for whatever reason, I could care less about what is going on at the house. I would go and do what I need to do for my mom.

Maybe this is the perfect time to revisit the issue of his kids not being allowed to come over. To really think if its really worth it. There will be more instances where the kids may have to come and stay with you or he has to go to them.

I really dont like the skids for really good legit reasons, but I understand, being married to the skids' father, that at times I will have to give in, I will have to compromise, I will have to go against what I feel is right to sometimes meet in the middle.

Sorry to hear about your mom. (((HUGS)))

I only got about a third of the way through the comments before I decided to just post.
This is very emotional for me because it brings back so much. As those who are close to me know, I’m on my third marriage.

While married to my 2nd husband, my mother suffered a heart attack and was in a coma. Family needed to come from far and wide if they wanted to say their goodbyes. My DH wanted to come but he didn’t have any type of leave to use but was willing to take unpaid leave. I knew how that would affect him financially, plus Father’s Day weekend was coming up and that was one of the few times a year he had his kids for an extended time. He wasn’t there the day my mom was taken off of life support but was there two days before I was to drive back home and was there physically and emotionally in the months after. I think the difference here is that we were both looking out for each other, no matter what was going on at the time.

Part two of my post concerns my present DH. Four years ago his youngest son, who has had diabetes since the age of 12, was severely sick in the hospital, also almost 500 miles, in a different direction though. As much as DH hates flying, he wanted to go be with him when he found out that his son needed a kidney transplant and was having to start dialysis. Dh was a wreck because he thought his son was going to die soon.

Even though DH never asked if I would go with him, I wished I could in order to support him. What did I have going on at that time? My former father-in-law had recently passed and my children were having a very difficult time. My oldest daughter flew across the country from Florida to be there with her siblings and we were all going to their grandfather’s services. On top of all of this, we had a big family party planned for my youngest son’s 21st birthday. The big party was two days after the memorial but one day before my son’s actual bday.

My DH and I were in contact constantly and he wanted to come home after realizing that his son wasn’t on death’s door. Plus DH was pissed when he found out that his son wasn’t taking care of his diabetes as he should have. DH shared with me that SS seemed to feel that he could still eat the wrong foods as long as he upped his dosage of insulin (which is taken on a sliding scaled depending on the current blood glucose level) and SS ate cake, candy and carbs to his heart’s content. DH was asking if I could come right away which was the day of my son’s bday but my son had plans with his friends.
I agreed to drive out that day but before I left I got a call from my son who was feeling down because his friends (who had pretty much started celebrating with him at midnight) had all gone home. Around noon, my son was calling to ask if we could have a birthday dinner with just him, me, his siblings and their spouses. As a mom you feel like you want to honor almost any birthday wish. I called DH and told him I wanted to start out the next morning instead of that day but he replied that he really wanted to come home ASAP. I told him about my son’s request and he answered with, “didn’t you have a big party day before yesterday”? I was thinking also about my oldest daughter and how they were also planning on leaving that day and probably wouldn’t be able to go to dinner. Too late for ‘long story short’ but I ended up calling my son back and telling him that we would make sure we have a close family dinner next year. Tragically, my son died 5 months later and there was never a “next year”. It still bothers me tremendously to this day.

Now I know this is not likely to happen to most, but the point I wanted to make is that you can’t always depend on there being a next time and to grab what moments you can…NO MATTER THE AGE OF THE PERSON!
To the OP, isn’t it more important how much your DH will be there for you in the months that follow? Why demand something from your DH when you can see where his heart is when it comes to the chance to spend extra time with his children that he rarely gets time with? Even if he did change his plans and went with you, you know he will likely resent it, even if he doesn’t say so. Why would you want all of that during this difficult time for you and yours?

Ouch, this is a really tough one....

My only advice is that if your DH does not end up going with you, please don't let it be the hill for your marriage to die on. Grief is a powerful emotion and can send your emotions into a tailspin, making you say and react to things in ways that you might not normally. Take your kids and be with your Mom, that's the most important thing.
If your mother lives close by in driving distance, multiple trips can also be made.

My mother died last year, so I do somewhat understand what you are going through.

Ok I'm going to be the oddball out, you need to send your kids with their dad or on the visit with dh and you go spend time with your mom. Don't take your children. My mom drug me around hospital to hospital when I was a kid and watched my grandpa slowly die. Then sat with her at his house with hospice there and watched him die. I wish she would have never done that and I didn't have those memories, because that is the only way I remember him now. Go by yourself. Meet a sibling or cousin there. Let your dh watch the kids.