Telling skids the truth or lie?
So, it may not be that black and white, but I'm curious and in a tough place. DH and BM (I have two skids, 7 and 5) don't communicate well. They stick with the CO 90% of the time. In the off chance something gets changed it's always a battle or manipulation. DH has learned to not fight with her and just plan things around the CO. It's getting better, not perfect, but Rome wasn't built in a day.
The issue - My Mom is coming to visit for my DD7's Dance Recital in June - getting on jet plane. It falls on a weekend when we don't have skds. My Mom is close with them and loves them and they love her. At this point there is very little chance we will get them while my mom is visiting because bm is saying no to adjusting the schedule.
What do I/DH tell the kids? We want to be honest with them and let them know my mom and we want them here but BM won't allow it. However that sounds awful and I don't want to talk badly about their mom. They will in due time figure out who their bm really is on their own.
Or maybe that is what we should do? It seems like a fine line to walk...managing their little emotions and being honest.
Any thoughts?
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Me, too.
Me, too.
I wouldn't tell them to ask
I wouldn't tell them to ask BM. DH and I always HATED that, when BM would use the kids as the go-betweens. The schedule is between Mom and Dad.
You can be honest but put it
You can be honest but put it on the CO, don't blame the BM.
If Dad hasn't asked, then Dad
If Dad hasn't asked, then Dad doesn't know the answer. As soon as yo play the old 'BM won't let you, but we really wanted you here that weekend' car, BM will just tell them that Dad never asked.
BM is under no obligation to waive and or switch her weekend. Yeah, I 'get' she's probably told you to drop dead when he's requested a slight adjustment in the past. But I also get why CO schedules with visitation/parenting times are set. Because a court can't count on either parent playing nicely. One parent ticks off the other parent and the games begin. One parent is sometimes more flexible and/or readily agrees than the other and one household gets taken advantage of while the other just takes and takes. It's why in most cases the parents ends up just sticking to the CO sooner or later.
Ask BM for an afternoon outing allowance and see what she says. Giving up one afternoon or one day/overnight might be more agreeable than swapping an entire weekend. Yes, BMs (as well as some Dads) can be disagreeable just for the sake of being disagreeable and/or to appear to have the upper hand. I'm not denying that. However I fail to see how Dad can tell the skids the 'truth' that BM won't let them if he hasn't requested it.
If he asks and BM says no, then when the girls ask yes, you can simply say 'it didn't work out with BM that you be allowed to come this weekend'. There is no need to get overly honest and say something like 'BM is a mean nasty woman who won't budge on schedules , we want you to come but Mom likes to play games'
DH has asked and she didn't
DH has asked and she didn't exactly say no...she said yes with stipulations (game playing at it's finest). If we want to take them we can, but we have to swap a specific weekend in July, one which she knows is our planned vacation on DH's time with the kids. It's her way of saying yes without us agreeing. So, in her mind she isn't the one saying no, it's now back on us. She manipulates everything...
You are correct on this!
One parent is sometimes more flexible and/or readily agrees than the other and one household gets taken advantage of while the other just takes and takes. It's why in most cases the parents ends up just sticking to the CO sooner or later.
This why we stick to the CO as much as possible, she takes and takes and takes then plays the martyr.
In that case I would
In that case I would definitely just say "It's your mom's weekend." IF (and only if) they ask you guys to talk to BM about it, you can say, "Well, we tried but the schedules just don't work out. Sorry guys."
I don't think you can do anything else while being honest AND still not trying to "badmouth" BM (which will bite you). BM did not, technically, say 'no', so telling them "Your mom said no" is a lie (BM will tell them it is a lie). I don't think you can really explain "Well, your mom said you could go but then tried to make sure WE would say no by demanding we miss that vacation instead, so it's the sane as if she just said no..." It gets too convoluted and sounds like you're going out of your way to blame her, you know?
So have your husband offer up
So have your husband offer up another weekend.
Are the vacation dates flexible?(road trip as opposed to purchased airfare...)If so, push the trip back by a few days?
There's has to be a bit of give and take on both sides.
I know. He could offer BM
I know.
He could offer BM other weekends during the summer in exchange for one when the OP's mother will be there.
We did offer other weekends
We did offer other weekends but bm refused and is only willing to swap the weekend we already have plans. And we are getting on a plane...so we can't change it.
That is the most frustrating part, we are flexible and willing to adjust things but bm isn't unless it suites her needs/wants.
Telling them it's their
Telling them it's their weekend to be with mom isn't a lie.
Unless their parents figure out a way b to work together, they will always miss out special/fun things that occur with one parent while with the other. They might as well get used to it now.
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this is something the parents
this is something the parents really should handle amongst themselves.
i would mention your mother's visit so they dont feel like u're hiding something, but if they express a desire to visit with her, i'd refer them to dh/bm - something along the lines of "yes it'd be really nice if she got to see you guys while she's here. why dont you talk to your father and see if he can get something arranged with your mother?" and then i'd drop it.
if dh is too scared of her antics to even ask her, then it's on him. but they're still little, i would be honest but not put them in the middle.
I don't understand I don't
I don't understand I don't want to talk badly about their mom
you : Grandma is coming the weekend of your recital to see you dance
Child says: Oh are we with you that weekend.
You: No, its your moms weekend
Child: Oh, can we switch so we can be here with you
You: We asked your mom, but she said no, it wouldn't work. Sorry
How is that talking bad about their mom????
I do this all the time to my kids with their dad. I always say:
"I asked your Dad, but he said no because its not going to work out with his plans"
I don't consider that talking badly.
"I do this all the time to my
"I do this all the time to my kids with their dad."
By doing that all the time, your kids may start to think dad is never willing to cooperate with you. It makes you look like the good mom who is always willing to change,but dad is the mean ass who refuses to do so. It's a passive aggressive way of making Das the bad guy all the time.
Telling the kids that mom and dad ate just following the CO, doesn't place blame on either parent.
Huh, I guess we don't really
Huh, I guess we don't really see it that way because me and my ex get along, and he does compromise a lot, as do I.
So when the kids ask if were going to switch and I tell them, I asked but it doesn't work with Dad's schedule, the kids just accept it. No one is the bad guy.
I guess because its rare that it doesn't work out and they know that Dad or myself wouldn't refuse to switch unless the plan we already have with the kids are important.
My ExH has said the same to my kids, I heard him say "Sorry, your mom already has plans for you so we cant switch" and I didn't feel like the bad guy, we tried, we looked into it, it didn't work.
Maybe its the context its used in a little too...and if there is tension. My exH, kids SM and I don't have tension.
"Sorry, your mom already has
"Sorry, your mom already has plans for you so we cant switch" and I didn't feel like the bad guy, we tried, we looked into it, it didn't work."
It isn't the same as the OP situation. BM didn't say no. She said yes. OP is just not pleased with the weekend BM wanted in return for the swap favor.
This is what OP originally said and asked "What do I/DH tell the kids? We want to be honest with them and let them know my mom and we want them here but BM won't allow it." But that isn't true. OP later stated BM had said yes but OP and Dad don't want to swap for the weekend BM choose as BM's replacement weekend.
While it would be fine to tell the kids 'swapping didn't work out this time', it would be wrong to tell the kids BM said no. BM didn't say no. Sure BM is playing games by choosing to swag for the one upcoming weekend she knows Dad has plans, but she didn't say no. Dad choose to not swap in the end.
Ah, ok, that makes more
Ah, ok, that makes more sense.
I think I might have missed that part.
oops. lol
Now that you say that, it does complicate matters, now I see the situation.