Perhaps an 'Ah-Ha/Come to Jesus' Moment for My Family :)
When I left for babysitting last night SD16 was still yapping away to DH and didn't even notice he was asleep.
I got home around 10 and while walking up my driveway I could hear a noise coming from my house. At first I thought it was the tv (DH and SD16 listen to it SOOO loud) but as I was about to unlock the door, I realized that DH and SD16 were fighting.
I walked into a shit show.
SD16 was crying. DH was screaming. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. My first thought was SD16 finally made DH snap and I was staying far away for it. But after a few minutes I realize they are fighting about SD saying that DH doesn't listen to her. So I quietly sat down and started to pay attention.
When DH goes off like this, he doesn't hear anyone but himself. And after a few more minutes I began to realize that she was right. He wasn't listening to her. And then something happened that I never believed would...
I defended SD16.
I told DH to stop and listen to what his daughter was saying; but he was too far into crazy to do that. She was begging to be heard, saying the same thing happens at BM's house. I put all my resentment for her aside and watched this girl look so defeated and I simply said calmly, 'SD16, you and I are going out tomorrow. Just us.' I'm not sure who was more shocked by this, DH or SD16 (or perhaps me!), but she quickly agreed.
She went up to her room and I was getting ready to do the same. DH was quiet now. 'Where are you taking her tomorrow?'
'I don't know DH, we'll figure that out in the morning.'
'What are you going to talk about?'
'I'm not talking at all DH, I'm going to let her talk.'
So Sunday morning comes around and I'm not even downstairs yet and SD is all 'when are we leaving?' She's actually wanting to go! I tell her to give me an hour to finish a homework assignment and I we will go.
We end up at a coffee shop and for the next 2 hours I just let her talk about how she feels about her mom and DH. She thinks she is not trusted. (true) She thinks she is babied by BM. (true) She knows she has messed up in the past. (big true) She wants a fresh start. She apologizes for how she's treated me the last 4 years. A look-me-in-the-eyes apology. I am stunned silent.
Am I sure this is a true fresh start? I've heard this before, but time will tell. There is nothing I want more than peace in my house EOWE.
We came home a couple hours later. DH is hovering over us like a hawk. I know he is worried she was talking about him. I promised her that what we talked about would remain between her and I. But I know as soon as SD16 leaves tonight, he will be all over me like a dirty shirt wanting to know what she talked about.
You know what DH? Maybe you should have listened to her last night.
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Comments
Good for you! Sounds
Good for you! Sounds positive. Hopefully things stay in that direction
by making yourself the
by making yourself the confidante of the sd, you are alienating yourself from your husband.
imo, you should have not "taken sides" in this matter. you can be sure it looks this way to him when you took her out, just the two of you.
in the end, it may come back to haunt you. what happens between him and his daughter is their business, just as what happened between you and him is the business of the two of you.
i think what you did was compassionate, and the young woman is very upset, but it can backfire. be careful.
Well god damned.... I guess
Well god damned.... I guess we're all just damned if we do, and damned if we don't then, huh.
I was not her confidante. She
I was not her confidante. She didn't say anything to me that she hasn't already said to both DH and I in the past. She knows that if I ever felt that she was in danger or about to make a really stupid choice in her life, that I would absolutely tell her dad. She simply wanted to be able to finish a sentence without being yelled at. Like I said, when DH gets worked up like that, he doesn't hear what the other person is saying. He has already made up his mind he is right. 99% of their arguements I stay out of. While SD16 can make some really boneheaded choices in her life; lie and manipulate with the best of them, she still should be aloud to talk uninterupted. If DH and I expect that from her, she should expect that from us too.
I didn't take sides (and DH didn't see it that way). When he was yelling at her, I told him to take a breath and listen to what she was saying. He didn't. Then I told her she and I would talk the next day. I never told either they were 'wrong'. I was just hoping to defuse it enough to get them to calm down.
But her husband was wrong.
But her husband was wrong. The OP didn't just walk in the and side with the kid. She took time to watch and listen to what was going on. Then she made an informed decision.
If her husband is bothered by her handling this in a mature way, then he is the one with the problem.
I think the OP is a beautiful
I think the OP is a beautiful and mature person for handling it this way.
LMAO...thanks but I just
LMAO...thanks but I just wanted them both to shut up.
THIS
THIS
I think you handled it very
I think you handled it very well and if your husband thinks you've taken up sides with her then maybe next time he'll just prevent that situation ever happening by listening to his own kid in the first place. She wanted to be heard and it sounds like you were the only person that was listening. If I were you, I wouldn't tell your DH what yall talked about in details just breeze over that SD wanted a new start with you and mentioned that she'd like for your DH to actually listen to her sometimes. The rest (like about BM) is not information that he really needs to learn from this so don't tell him those parts.
Hopefully your DH will
Hopefully your DH will appreciate that you were trying to help his daughter, and be mature enough to understand that you're not taking anyone's side.
Shockingly enough he did
Shockingly enough he did appreciate it. He knows he's a hothead and doesn't listen when he's mad.
Proud of you for being the
Proud of you for being the bigger person
i totally agree with this.
i totally agree with this. and i stand by my earlier post.
my main concern is that the op now, as you said, is keeping confidences from her husband, which is never a good idea with one of his children.
this: "If he kept secrets from you, especially concerning your own kid, you wouldn't like it at all."
granted the husband might have been in the wrong with the way he interacted with his daughter, but the issue should have been taken up in private and not in her presence. you have concerns for this girl who obviously needs to talk to someone. but the way the op handled it is not going to help her marriage as it has created a space between her and her husband.
perhaps a meeting with sm, father and the gird would have been better.
There were no 'secrets'. And
There were no 'secrets'. And I'm sure not telling her I made a 'mistake' by talking to her. Everything she talked about DH already knew. If I thought she was in danger I wouldn't keep that from him.
Dh doesn't think I did anything wrong. He actually thanked me for taking her out so they could both cool down. There's no 'wedge'.
I am happy for you. I did
I am happy for you.
I did this with HK14 at least once a year for 5 years. Would let hubby know what was spoken so he could do better next time.
He also does not listen to her.
So many times....so little change for the good.
I was used. Each. And. Every. Time.
I hope your experience goes a thousand percent better than mine.
She is no longer my SD14. She is now his kid to me. HK14.
Feeling smug? Not at all. A
Feeling smug? Not at all. A good guy rescuer? Nope, not that either. I simply stopped an arguement that has been had a billion times between them and will likely happen a billion times more.
This is not a he-said, she-said thing. There are no 'alliances'. While SD16 is a royal pain in my ass, she deserves to be heard in our home just as much as DH and I expect too. She simply wanted to be DH to listen and he wasn't. If it was me in that arguement, I would expect DH to say EXACTLY the same thing to me. Things were much calmer on Sunday after we got back. In fact DH thanked me for taking her out and talking with her. Noone is the good or bad guy this time.
Do I think this will last? Not likely. SD16 will mess up again, DH will blow up, I will sit quietly with earplugs on and dream about a planet with no children on it. Mistakes will be made by all of us until the end of time.
But for a little while on Sunday SD16 felt respected and I don't see anything wrong with that.
LOL...thank you. Things have
LOL...thank you. Things have not been good with her and I for a LONG time. I normally leave the room when the two of them go at it. This time DH was blatantly in the wrong (although I never told him that, but he knows he was).
She and I will likely never be close. She will lie to me again. She will try to manipulate me again. I will be the bad guy again. Whatever. But how can I ask her to respect me and my feelings if I'm not willing to listen to hers once in a while? Especially with DH is being a bonehead. lol!
If I was in the wrong I would
If I was in the wrong I would absolutely expect him to call me on it, and he has. I may not have liked it, but I knew he was right!
I'm not trying to solve anything, I'm not reinventing the wheel. He was not listening to her and being stubborn. She simply wanted to be heard.
I too never felt smug when
I too never felt smug when these situations happened with hubby and his child. We would talk about it after, try to come up with a solid future solution and move on.
Only bummer is both hubby HK14 would go back to thier old ways in no time.
I have learned they are who they are. Dysfunctional. To the core as a father and daughter.