Hiding and being secretive about talking to ex!
Does anyone else have a DH/ SO that will not tell you when he is speaking to his ex or what its about...or one that will go in another room to talk or text her? Mine says that its because I get "bent out of shape" about it, but I've also tried to make it clear to him, that yes I may get aggravated that he is always giving into her (as thats the only time she calls is when she wants something), but I get even more pissed off when he hides it.
When we're not together, I don't question him about whether he spoke to her or about what, etc. but when we are together and the skank calls or texts, he won't fess up to it being her, or if I continue to press, he'll finally tell me it was her but then won't tell me what its about. Or, he will pretend that he has to go into the bathroom for instance and text her back then. I truly don't believe there is anything going on there and he is just trying to prevent me from getting upset and fighting with him over it, but then again, I don't like the secretive conversations either.
No matter what it is that she wants, he always gives into her and it aggravates me, so yes I do make comments when he does it because I think its ridiculous that his head is so far shoved up her ass that he doesn't see or care that it bothers me. He is one that just always wants to keep her happy so they keep a cordial relationship, but I think that it goes too far sometimes and he needs to grow a backbone. He doesn't have a problem saying no to me, but how dare he actually say no to her!
In any case, how do you handle it when your SO keeps this side of himself and his family secretive and in hiding? Do you just not care and let him do what he wants or do you do something about it, and if so what will get through to them? Thanks!
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Hmmm, well how about not
Hmmm, well how about not trying to bend over backwards to make his EX happy when it is negatively impacting his current relationship?? I can see if it is something unavoidable that he needs to attend to like a medical issue, emergency, etc. however him just agreeing to do whatever she wants, which means that she knows that whenever she calls, he will drop everything to do so is not healthy. He feels the need to try to make everyone happy instead of prioritizing and explaining to her that he isn't her fall back person that she can call whenever she wants.
If the shoe was on the other foot and my SO had an issue with me acting towards my ex the way he does with her, I would stop it to the point where it was only limited to NEEDS, not wants! I know that we aren't the same person and what he does is not the same as everyone else, but I don't think he is being appropriate and yes, I do get angry and frustrated with it because he is essentially saying to me "I don't care what you think, I'm going to do what I want to do". Anyone would get upset with that! How about some compromise instead?
One of the main differences
One of the main differences between him having to speak to his ex and you perhaps speaking to your ex is a shared child. He has to communicate with the mother of the child. It doesn't have to be by text or phone (it could be by email) but with small children and schedules (especially the loose schedule your BF has) communication is a must.
I assume you are still living separate from your BF? Or has the living arrangement changed? Are you living with your BF yet? You keep talking about prioritizing yadda yadda. You want to be first and the first priority. Problem with that is your BF has set his own priority. He's not hiding that fact. He has not committed to marrying you ad/or having you move in with him. At this point in his life, he feels his child is his priority.
That's not what you like and not the way you want it, I do under you feel you're investing while he is not. However it is what it is. As Tog said, you put this guy in a hard spot. He either 'hides' the communication or he doesn't. Neither way makes you happy and both upsets you. This guy isn't going to be able to please you as he does have different priorities than you do. But he's not being secretive about it. He's a father who intends to be there and accept any and all time his ex offers the child. It doesn't make him wrong and you right or him right and you wrong. It simply means he isn't in the same place with you as you'd wish he would be.
You expect more from him than he is willing to deliver. This is roughly the same scenario you presented last summer (with him not consulting you first). You actual choices are to 1) accept what he is willing to offer at this point or 2) decide you would like to be a higher priority and in a more committed relationship with your partner, realizing therefore this guy just may not be Mr Right (at least at this point in his life) for you. And move on.
The two of you are not going to see eye to eye on this subject (at least for now) and he's made this pretty clear to you.
Nope, not living together and
Nope, not living together and these kinds of things are the main reason why. However, the kids being around does affect me because I have to put up with him molly coddling them when I'm around, listen to them making noise constantly and him spending the little time that we do spend together on a daily basis taking care of them....so yes it does affect me and our time. Nope, I don't have to be there when they are, but that also severely limits our time together since he has them probably about 40-50% of the time.
He tells me all the time that I am his first priority because he does things like take us out to lunch or dinner when the kids are around or occasionally we will go to a small event or party when he has them instead of spending the entire time cooped up in the house.
I have accepted the fact that he has the kids on their pre-planned days, vacations, holidays, etc. While I still don't like it, I put up with it as this is what I agreed to when I started dating him. it's only when the ex tries to infringe on the other time that we have together and wants to continue to act like his wife still, in which he allows that I have a problem with. The problem is, he doesn't seem to care.
Clearly he doesn't see things
Clearly he doesn't see things the way you do. If he were bothered by the calls and the request, he would put a stop to them.
If you continue to get upset over something that he doesn't mind, then you come out looking that crazy one. I think takin the calls in another room and not discussing them you is comproming.
It sounds like you want to control how/if/when he interacts with BM. Most adults will push back when they think their girlfriend /boyfriend is trying to treat them like a child.
I used to do the same thing.
I used to do the same thing. Be angry when he spoke to ex behind my back and nag when he did it in front of me. It was my own jealousy. I don't know actually when it changed. I just don't get bothered by it anymore. Her stupidity still annoys me, more lately because she is ramping up the PASing but I don't nag SO about her anymore. If he wants to ride on the crazy train, that's on him.
Have you seen the
Have you seen the communications?
Is it all kids based? Like: can we switch weekends, can you pick up kid from school Friday because I have to work late, will you take kid for a haircut this weekend.
If it's all kid based, it wouldn't upset me.
If DH is getting communications more than that, like: do you remember when we ___, my car is making a funny noise, what do you think it is, saw this sign/heard this song and thought of you, I need money because blah blah blah poor me.
Is she asking for parenting help, or is she trying to engage him in emotional support?
Is it excessive? 4-5 or more communications a day?
If he doesn't agree does she get verbally abusive?
^^^same in my situation
^^^same in my situation Taush,
BM was in a relationship, but still texted DH excessively about her personal life, tried to get him alone to talk about "them", tried to text and call for emotional support. She rarely called about the kids.
She essentially was unhappy in her relationship and was turning to DH, and trying to have an emotional affair on her boyfriend with DH.
DH was trying to "keep the peace" because she was emotionally abusive to him and the kids if he didn't.
The very moment I pointed out that her boyfriend is gone ALOT working, and she never has been a one man kinda girl, and is trying to have an emotional affair on BF with him, he immediately shut her down!
Agree with your question list
Agree with your question list on how to figure out on whether communication is appropriate or not. Of course no BF/SO/DH should be going over old memories or acting as if the other person is their BFF who one can contact over any ol' thing.
'Hey, Jr won't eat his supper and is being naughty'. Totally inappropriate and unnecessary. What absolutely should not be happening is parenting together as if the parents are still in a relationship and Dad just isn't home right now...but alone call/text away. That's not co-parenting. That's still being dependent on each other and acting the united couple aka still together whether married or not.
That type of communication is not healthy to the parents moving on nor for the child who will think Mom and Dad are getting back together. The child never has a chance to adapt to reality and the fact that both parents individuals living their own lives and raising a child between two separate homes with possible new mates. The child ever learns to accept the situation nor any new partner his/her parent my build with someone else.
True,but to his credit he
True,but to his credit he isn't sneaking around. The OP is fully aware of this. She knows that this (and his other views on parenting) bother her, but she continues to stay with him.
They aren't married or living together, so as long as he's up front about how he interacts with BM, he isn't doing anything wrong.
In answer to a few
In answer to a few questions...no I have not seen the communication between the two of them so who knows how far it really goes.
He has told me bits and pieces in the past that she is always asking him to keep the kids when its our time. And yes, before anyone says anything, I know they are his kids, but when we have them and we want to do something, BF arranges something where they can either stay home for a few hours as the oldest is old enough to baby sit, or arrange sleepovers at friends, etc. NEVER once has he asked his ex to keep the kids for him, however she always runs to him whenever she needs something. She knows all she has to do is to bat the eyelashes so to speak and he'll do whatever she asks.
She supposedly is completely unable to make phone calls with anything regarding the kids, or take the kids to the doctor, school, activities, etc. as that always falls on BFs shoulders as well.
He has also told me before that she does talk to him about her love life and uses him as a shoulder to cry on so to speak. She supposedly has all sorts of friends now, but he is the one she calls to cry about her boyfriends, complain about work, get his opinion on things, tell him what she is doing, etc. Of course he does everything that she asks, listens to her and helps out any way that he can, and never tells her no because he would never dare want to upset her and make her drink more or start complaining to the kids about him.
That is the extent of what I know. If they have any other sort of trysts going on, if they still get together or talk about other stuff like reminiscing, etc. I have no idea. It's now to the point that he won't tell me what they talk about. I've told him before that if you didn't have anything to hide you wouldn't. I do trust him for the most part and really don't think that he would be cheating or being inappropriate in other ways, I just don't trust the fact that he isn't still emotionally connected to his ex in that he feels that she is the little woman that needs help in doing anything and he is going to be the person since she is the mother of his kids. Insecure and jealous....if thats what you think so be it...I see it more as being respectful of the relationship that you are in now and leaving whats in the past in the past.
You can't make him see this
You can't make him see this as nothing more than you being insecure,jealous and/or controlling.
You've made it clear to him that this bothers you. He has decided to stop doing it in front of you. Since he doesn't have an issue with any of this, that may be all you're going to get.
Since the two of you aren't married or living together, he may think you'received out of line for trying to have a say in this.
I think you nagging him or
I think you nagging him or making comments to him about his exchanges with BM is probably why he doesn't want to share anything with you now. I don't think it is okay for him to be so secretive about his calls and text, it does make him seem guilty of something like excessive sharing or an emotional attachment. I agree with the rest that you should stop helping him with his kids completely. He can't pick and choose when he wants your parental cooperation. He can either include you or not which will result in you helping or not.
That being said if he chooses to include you in his conversations with BM, then you need to show him that you aren't jealous and will not overreact to their communication. If he starts telling you that BM is texting/calling him about personal non-kid related crap then you should just say "hm, why does she want to tell you all this, I wouldn't tell my ex something like that?" or something that hints to him that their conversations are inappropriate.
How invested are you in this
How invested are you in this relationship? How invested is HE? Would he come with to a counselor? There are major boundaries being crossed here. He defaults to you being insecure and nagging him. Maybe if he hears how inappropriate it is from a third-party, he will get his head out of his ass.