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Old habits slipping back

Ladystark's picture

Ive noticed dh has been on a "YES" KICK latley with SS13. Im trying not to get all "bent outta shape" about it, but his grades have not been great. Dh's mind is on work and when he gets tired and over worked, he falls back to his, yes pattern. I think SS has picked up on it too, because ive noticed him asking dh stuff he would normaly ask me. He also has picked up on asking for apps for his phone.

Acouple of nights ago(ok this is a little dumb, but still bothered me) it was leftover night, so we are all in the kitchen pulling out stuff. Ss asked me if he could have this or that for dinner...well while stuff was heating up i remembered the pepsi(unopened in can) dh brought upstairs but did not drink.

Now we have a kid drawer of drinks- non caffinated- mostly for school nights. I dont like ss having alot of caffeine on school nights. (I dont like it much on non-school night, but. Well, cant fight about weekends) we also have a small fridge in the laundry room we keep the other sodas in that he has to ask for, but mostly its for me and dh.

So i bring the soda down and pop it in the fridge-ss saw me- goes to dh and asks "daddy can i have a soda?" Like you lil butthole-school night- i might have brought it down for dh or myself!! I heard him ask, but he tried to be quiet about it. I didnt say a word about that. .

We recently got a playstation4- its downstairs- ss has xbox in his room(same games different console) they want to play together fine- but ive noticed ss asking more and more about playing downstairs. Uhhh why? All your friends are on xbox, daddy is to tired to play everynight- me and baby girl are not getting getting kicked out of living room everynight so you can play!# weekends i dont care but ive noticed an increase in him asking to play it on school nights.

Last night we finished dinner, i set up baby girl in living room to start cleaning up, and i hear ss in dhs office in a low voice "daddy can i play the playstation?" Dh "yes, go ahead"

Uhhh what?

Thanks for asking if the tv is in use!

And if he plays xbox baby girl will be up my butt and make it hard for me to do dishes,SOO i parked my butt on the couch and started crocheting!! Might as well since noone else will keep her occupied.

I pretended like i heard non of it!

Did ss13 ask me about tv? NO
Did ss stand around for awhile, try to be annoying so id leave...lol.. yes.

Did he go back and whisper to dh..yes.

Im over this ask me for some stuff, then go to the other one for other things, and dh does not even factor me in, its just yes, sure, go ahead!

Dh has only got a few more yeses before i get bitchy.

Im not going back to how it was!

Im also not getting kicked out of the living room, uh no. You have the same games up stairs.

Also we (me and dh) have been doing great! We setup some new rules for ss and its been going well....we have only argued a few times. Im not going back.

So im giving dh a little time, but nextweek he will be passed this more stressful part of his work, then we will have a talk.
Mostly "the talk" is to warn dh i might not use a "nice tone" around them if they keep this up.

I dont want to argue, i dont want to be a bitch, but im not going back to yes mode daddy.

Comments

Ladystark's picture

The soda thing bothered me because ss saw ME with it, he saw ME put it in the fridge- but did not say "hey are you drinking that?, could i have it?" Uh no he went and whispered to dh.

And im not sure if dh thought he meant the other sodas or what, but as soon as he said yes, he grabbed it opened and took a swig. If i said anything it be me and dh arguing...so. i just let it go....

Ladystark's picture

The whisper thing is soooo irritating!!

I always feel like yelling "hey butthole, i can hear you!"

What makes me mad more is when i picture ss as a 19 year old, 5ft9in (or 6ft) man creeping over to his dad whispering about money! (Or whatever) because i know he prolly will still be living with us...sigh... ill be on him in hopes to move out, but with how he is doing in school, im not seeing a college kid. Ughhh he is so unmotivated to do anything...he has no drive...

Tuff Noogies's picture

i'm glad you and dh are on an upswing. but why not just communicate with the man? i get the whole "let it go" thing, i do it quite frequently. but you and dh agreed on house rules involving ss. there's nothing wrong with saying privately "hey hun? i know things are stressful at work and you're really not in the mood to deal with conflict, but i've noticed our house rules have gone by the way-side. ss has noticed it too. do you think maybe we could keep a better watch on it, my love?"

keep it non-confrontational and non-finger-pointing, but there's nothing wrong with a productive way of saying "HEY, sum-ting-wong. let's fix!"

that's just my two cents tho', you (obviously) know better how your hubby operates!

Ladystark's picture

Maybe i should... i dont want to get in my habit of saying nothing, then blowing up over something dumb, because stuff builds up. Maybe ill bring something up friday, instead of waiting till nextweek...

Just crazy how you fall back so quickly to old patterns!!

ESMOD's picture

I guess kids pull this stuff because they feel like the step parent is some gatekeeper that will not let them do what they want.

It's a tough spot. On the one hand, us SM's get tired of the kids bugging us and want the bio parents to parent, but we somehow want the parents to reach the same conclusions or decision point that we would. (ie no soda, limit game time in the common room). Your DH doesn't care about those things, so he just says yes. To you, however, it makes a difference as in not being able to get things done with SS in there gaming.

TBH, if no one else in the home is really playing that system, why not put it in SS's room anyway?

Tuff Noogies's picture

doh! why didnt i think of that? op can act like smoty and surprise ss with this "ss i noticed you've been playing the playstation quite a bit lately, so i wanted to surprise you and put it in your room! this way you can choose whichever system you want to play, anytime you want to play it!" (cue the big, happy smile). maybe even rent a redbox game for a few days that he doesnt normally play.

ESMOD's picture

And when DH whines when he wants to use it.. he will actually have to go to SS and "ask" to use it in his room. lol. Shoe on the other foot a bit.

I know my SD's probably went to their dad as a first line for a number of reasons.

1. He was their dad. duh.
2. They knew he is easy going
3. The whisper was to try to prevent me from potentially nixing something they wanted.

I was probably less permissive than he was. It was just the way we were. For example, when they would ask him for some big "ask" like can we go to the trampoline place or can I have a sleepover...

His answer would be: "we will see"
My answer would be: "I don't think so, but we will keep it in mind"

In reality, the kids had an equal chance of success.. but I was more of a mindset that they should be very clear that "NO" was a distinct possibility.

Ladystark's picture

Haha, omg...i may do this... ill have to make sure he gets a good eyefull of me putting it in the fridge!

Ladystark's picture

It wont go in ss room, no room, he has xbox360, xboxone, and wiiu, he said he hated playstation so his playstation 3 went in my sons room, but he can play it whenever he wants.

Id move it in our room- but i do not want him in there- so im just going to talk to dh about ss knowing its for weekend use.

The playstation is dhs, the one he has something is wrong with it. So he bought the ps4. He wants to play with ss, which is great, but im not being kicked out for ss playing alone, and i dont feel its right with his low grades....he can fry his brain in his room where i cant see him.

Ladystark's picture

I gave them the "its a new device" grace period....but ss just has to push, and push the limits.

First it was daddy lets play a game, then one game became two games, then ss "would get the game ready" even though dh was tired so ss would play alone. Then this week he has been asking after he gets home from school. I would not care but he has the SAME GAMES upstairs... like give it a break, mr. I hate playstation...ughh.

Acratopotes's picture

LadyStark when you hear SS asking if he can play on the play station and DH say yes.. why not pipe up and say SS we are watching TV - if you want to play use your Xbox.... If SS asks for Soda and DH says yes... simply say SS why did you just ask Dad, you know the rules on school nights...

it's not engaging if you correct bad behavior and keep boundaries... as you said, SS picked up DH is not really listening and paying attention, he's pushing the boundary line... you can keep it where it should be