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Could there actually be hope????!!!!????

fedupstep's picture

Submitted by fedupstep on Sat, 02/14/2015 - 12:49pm

SD16 is here for the weekend. I thought that would be the worst part of it, but I was soooo wrong....

A bit of background...DH has been off work since June due to a wrist injury and is waiting for surgery. So he's on a Workman's Comp. disability and bringing in a lot less than he was. Since November he has been in a retraining program 4 hours a day since it will be unlikely he will be returning to his previous job. Money is tight. Very tight, but we make it work.

Since he's been off he has wallowed in self pity and I'm concerned he's depressed. He rarely comes to bed anymore. Sleeps on the couch. All he talks about is how his life 'sucks'. He will not see a therapist. He is drinking more than usual. Even some of his friends are rolling their eyes like 'here he goes again' when he starts talking.

I juggle 4 part time jobs and go to school at night. I spend my weekends doing homework. He is home by 12:30 everyday and sits and watches tv or plays video games. He'll throw in the odd load of laundry, maybe load the dishwasher. Sometimes there's dinner when I get home for usually not. When he does something around the house, it's like he wants me to throw him a parade. On my 'short' days I am not home for 12 hours. Long days is almost 16. But I still do the groceries, most of the laundry and cook when I'm not in bed by 7:30. Fair? Fuck no. We talk about it, he agrees, it changes for a little while and then I hear whoa is me all over again. I'm not doubting he's in pain, although playing video games is likely not helping.

He got into some trouble with his credit cards. My dad offered to loan us some money to pay it off. Then his car was stolen and torched. Because it was old we didn't have replacement insurance on it. My dad bought him another car. We owe him A LOT of money. My dad said to pay what we can while DH is off work.

This week we found out we both had car repairs that can't be put off. Probably close to $1000 between the two cars. I have money put aside for school. I will have to use it to get the 'must do's' done. Since DH is beyond horrible with his money I know there are no way he can afford to pay for it. So I decided to rescue him again. (yes, I know, I can already hear you pounding on your keyboard). I tell him I will 'lend' him $400 towards his car, but it absolutely must be repaid by August when I have to pay my tuition. He says ok, will pay me with his income tax return. I told him he has promised that to my dad. I said you have to rebudget your 'disposable income' and pay back $100 a month. He doesn't like this solution. He told me he doesn't have it. I said he is still buying beer and that I was concerned at how much he was drinking. And then he lost it...

Told me to shut my fucking mouth.

I did, but not because he told me to. Because I was stunned that he would talk to me like that, especially with SD16 right up stairs. He has never talked to me like that before. We have had some wicked arguments, but not like this and never with SD16 here. I told him to get out.

He snapped again. Said we were done. SD came downstairs. I was crying and do you know what happened? She hugged me. Told me it was going to be ok. I took her by the shoulders and told her to promise me something...that no matter what happens with her father and I, to promise me she will never allow a man to talk to her like that. She had tears in her eyes and nodded.

This was the first genuine moment she and I have had in over 2 years. I felt actual affection for her. And it took this to see it?? Why the hell couldn't she have shown me an ounce of this before??

She and DH have left to do groceries. I have no idea what will happen for the rest of the weekend. If he leaves we are both fucked financially. But I sure don't want us staying because of that. Right now I am still so stunned by how he talked to me and SD's reaction that I don't know what to think.

I know I will get the standard 'leave him' response. I'm stressed beyond belief and the possibility of my marriage ending today has me about to jump off a cliff.

I don't need criticism right now.

Comments

fedupstep's picture

Submitted by fedupstep on Sat, 02/14/2015 - 3:08pm

No flowers, just silence. And that was the worst part. She saw and heard it all. I could tell she was ashamed of him.

Pokeyketchum's picture

Submitted by Pokeyketchum on Sat, 02/14/2015 - 1:07pm

Maybe he will realize what a douche he has been.

Hopefully. And his actions will prove it.

Be strong. That is a lot to handle. I do not know how I would handle just the scheduling alone of four jobs. So obiously you are an amazon person.

Talk to a trusted professor at school. Often they can get you small scholarships to help.

Dontcallmemom's picture

Submitted by Dontcallmemom on Sat, 02/14/2015 - 2:22pm

That was a really nice moment between you and SD16.

As far as your DH, yes he sounds like a total asshole. But I would be a hypocrite if I told you you should leave. My DH and I have gotten into fights and he's talked to me like that along with name-calling, blaming, the whole 9 yards. Normally we fight like that in times of stress, like him being unemployed. Luckily my DH has agreed to see a therapist and work on things. He also went back to school. He definitely has his anger issues and I kind of doubt that will ever change. But I have faith that things are getting better. And hopefully things will get better for you and your DH too. It can take a while and some nasty fights, but maybe one day he'll open his eyes and make some changes.

If not, then get out.

fedupstep's picture

Submitted by fedupstep on Sat, 02/14/2015 - 2:53pm

Sounds like we have a lot in common Smile

In times of stress, he shuts down, wallows in self pity and looks for things to be angry about so he doesn't have to angry at himself. I have known him for almost 30 years and know to just back off a bit and it blows over. We both acknowledge we deal with stress in different ways. I am a fixer, he is a whiner.

In past fights he does come around in a few days, admit fault and we move on. I'm not sure about this one. He and SD just got home from doing groceries that I didn't have time to do this week and he is ignoring me. Not that I mind right now.

And yes, it was a very nice moment with SD16. I am still in shock over it. She has never reached out to me before. DH has always said she appreciates all I have done for her, although her attitude towards me has never shown that. Maybe there is a sliver of truth in it.

I would give anything to get out of the house. I have too much homework and no where to go. I hardly think crashing at one of my friend's houses on Valentine's Day would work.

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Sat, 02/14/2015 - 2:49pm

Sometimes I think people yell "RUN" because of some kind of imperative to take action in times of stress... even if the stress actually belongs to an online poster and not ourselves.

I think you're under a lot of stress - day-to-day life is busy, you're feeling unsupported with your goals by DH, you've got more bills than paycheque, and as much as you probably started out wanting to be supportive to DH, that's off the table with his unwillingness to help you and his unpleasantness. I also think the drinking is a red flag that he's not really available to be a good partner.

So with all that pressure, I'm amazed that you've been holding it (and DH) together for so long. Congratulations. I wish you didn't have to work so hard though, for any of it.

I think you know that none of your choices are great right now. It's a matter of making choices now to maximize your happiness over the long term. Like going to school - that only pays off down the road.

Is there any possibility of going to stay somewhere else while you get your ducks in a row? Because now that DH has crossed the line of swearing and being verbally aggressive, and not caring that SD is around to see it, he's no longer predictable. And that will just add more stress to your life - but you're already maxed out on stress.

fedupstep's picture

Submitted by fedupstep on Sat, 02/14/2015 - 3:02pm

Thank you Smile

I can't think of anywhere to go right now. Not without having a lot of explaining to do. If I go to family and tell them what happened they will never forgive him even if it all works out in the end. If I go to a friend's place, it's practically the same thing. I almost considered calling his sister to talk since she obviously knows how he can be, but blood is thicker than water and I could never trust that she wouldn't turn around and tell DH. She has a history of stirring the pot with other family members.

I am under more stress than I've ever been in my life. The difference is that as overwhelmed as I can be, I know it will not always be this way. I rarely have a moment to myself that isn't filled with homework, housework, work. When he gets stressed out, he has a temper tantrum and I tell him we will figure it out and we always do. Not so sure this time.

I NEVER thought I would say this, but I'm not looking forward to SD16 going home!

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Sun, 02/15/2015 - 5:37am

That's a tough one. You're right about other people taking sides. That's just human nature.

I wonder if friends or family would accept it if you just said that you are under a lot of stress and need a semi-holiday - at their house?

In my background, when someone gets married, the parents of both partners give permission. It sounds a bit weird, but the purpose is to remind both families that the new person is now also their family. So that when people struggle in their marriage (as happens all the time), the parents' first choice is to support their kids' marriage, not just their kid.

I think you do need some space from all of this. However you can get it.

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Sat, 02/14/2015 - 4:21pm

My fingers don't need to type what you already know, it doesn't sound like he acts like this under normal circumstances. I was in a similar situation with Mr. Starla and I ended up chalking it up to battling an ego issue. Guys (at least in my experiences) just don't do well with not being able to work. Its like they feel threatened or attacked when they need help.

My advice, be patient during this trying time for him but DO NOT allow him to treat you like crap AND get away with it. If he can't handle his booze, his eyes need to be opened to it. Me personally in a situation like yours, I'd use a voice recorder when he is acting/talking different and play it back for him when his head is clear than delete the recording in front of him. I do not encourage standing your ground to a person who is drunk but I would encourage that you remove yourself from the situation if/when things are becoming out of hand. When he is sober, he may need the wake up call whether it be him hearing the truth or hearing his own belligerent voice followed by the truth of your feelings.

Guys are like kids. They act up when things don't go their way. I remind myself of this when I'm dealing with my current DH behaving like a boy who is acting up. Heck just the other weekend, Mr. Starla told me to "GO FUCK OFF" in the heat of an argument, yea we were discussing SD (grades), only I was intoxicated and I had to walk away just in case it was me who was being out of line. It took my all to NOT punch him in the face at that point to be honest.

I did approach my DH about the hurtful words when I was in a sober state of mind myself and he had time to cool off as well, that was the key for us to work it out. I believe that women think at a faster rate than man does and that we need to give them time to absorb things before we attempt to move forward. Lol but I never give a guy the time of day to sulk though.

Have you tried to mirror his actions and tell him so when he confronts you on what your up to? It does wonders on my DH but I can't say that it works on all men though. I have met male friends who would admit to me that they behave the way they are because they are scared and that its not something that they feel that they can admit to their wives either. Men fear reaction and men fear when the wife has to step in to help. Its an ego thing!

Apologies if I'm too chatty on this..it somehow struck a cord for me. If I had to guess with what little I know about your DH, I'd guess that he is having mantrums (if that's what people here call it), he is sulking, and its you who he is venting it out on because people will lash out on the ones they love most.

Its frustrating for him not being able to provide the same as he was before, not being able to work, knowing that he will have limitations unlike before, and he is left feeling uncertain, angry, confused, and who knows what else. I'd cut him slack to a point and I would kick his arse if he is taking out on you.

I tell my DH "I'm here for you and will support your decisions but if you treat me like crap, I will kick your arse!". Just like boys, they all need to learn their limits especially if they choose to test the waters. I feel that what you do/don't do now will determine what your future has to hold with him.

Keep it simple though! I'm a wife who will ask "is this the way that you were taught to treat women?" and my eyes speak much louder than words. Childish men and booze is like a crazy BM on booze...

For any man to think "fuck off~fuck this~fuck that~or fuck you" is a man acting childish and its up to you to take it or nip it in the bud while you can. If you choose to not nip in in the bud, then I wouldn't expect much change in the future. Basically what your doing now will train him on how he is to treat you in the future. At least in my honest opinion.

BTW my DH was unemployed for almost 2 years..I've been down that road and back because it.

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Sun, 02/15/2015 - 1:03am

I don't want to sound like I am justifying his bad behavior but I know what being unemployed can do to your mental health and it sounds like it is really taking its toll on your husband.

I was unemployed for about 18 months and have only recently started work again. When I was unemployed I would have weeks where I barely did anything. I was depressed for the first time in my life. Going out of the house was an ordeal, if I did something positive it felt like a huge achievement that I wanted to be recognized. I struggled to get anything done, even though I had "all day with nothing to do". My husband and I have a strong relationship and he is the most patient and generous man I know. But even with all of that we had times when he would despair at my inability to do anything. And I would spiral down and feel even worse because I knew I should be doing more. Nothing would really ever lift my mood, only temporarily distract me.

I saying all this to remind you what he is going though. I know that you already know this and I realize that you are burdened with providing for your family while he is out of work, but he is having a tough time too. I would urge you to think back to when he was employed and if the issues that upset you today about him didn't exist then, give him the time, support and encouragement to get back on his feet and into employment so that he can return to his former self and your relationship will improve again. If he has always been this way, and you have always resented him for it, then of course you should be considering if you want to continue in the relationship.