New and in need of perspective
I am a new member and wanted to thank anyone in advance who is kind enough to respond or offer up their "take" on the following scenerio. I have a SO of almost 3 years. He has two daughters SD4 and SD8. He and I have been having "issues" without going into too much detail. With that said, this is what happened on Christmas. My mother and I gave the children several gifts for Christmas. The kids never said thank you. Their father sat there beaming from ear to ear taking photos of them while opening the gifts they received. I waited for him to remind them to say thank you but it never happened. Now, the previous weekend, I had the girls make X-mas cards & gifts for their BM (whom I don't get along with) but still respect her as their mother, their bio grandparents, their father and my mother who is elderly and lives with me. I and my mother spend most weekends catering to these children. (Arts and crafts, painting nails, playing with and teaching etc)
For the next two days the kids walk around my home as if I am irrelevant (hence my screen name). By irrelevant, I mean they were on mute. Not making eye contact or speaking to my mother or I at all. I pointed it out to my SO. His response? "If they wanted to talk to you, they would" I was dumbfounded, hurt, and felt extremely disrespected. I believe that children should be required to always show adults respect and use basic manners. Apparently, I am alone in this.
Every time I tried to ask a question or engage with the children he intercepted. He answered for them or made an excuse for them, never giving them the opportunity to respond. So I attempted to express to him my disappointment and feelings of disrespect again. I suppose I was expecting HIM to apologize for his lack of parenting and silently sanctioning their rude behavior.
I have to add, that as of late because of our "issues" he barely speaks to me or acknowledges me. The kids are not blind and I'm certain have picked up on this. My mother and I thought we were close with the kids.
What is your insight on children showing appreciation, and the treatment of adults and it's long term effects if this isn't instilled in them while they are young? Thank you for your time.
Irrelevantme
- Irrelevantme's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Yes. DH is definitely
Yes. DH is definitely disengaged. It's odd though because up until this point the kids and I were very close. To be honest, I've spent more time doing activities and parenting them then SO when they visit every other weekend. He did make them apologize for "not talking to us" but I still don't understand the sudden change in attitude and him finding nothing wrong with their behavior until after I pointed it out. Honestly, I think he only made them apologize because I made a big deal out of it otherwise, it would have gone on as if it was okay.
I was quite disturbed as
I was quite disturbed as well. I've been in their lives since right before the youngest turned two. This is the first time that the kids have acted like this, but my SO's reaction or lack of reaction to it was most disheartening considering the amount of time and effort I've put into these kids.
"If they wanted to talk to
"If they wanted to talk to you they would".... :jawdrop: What the hell is that?
Exactly. WTH IS that?? I'm
Exactly. WTH IS that?? I'm hoping someone can come up with an explanation that would make sense.
OMG.
OMG. :jawdrop:
Young children learn from
Young children learn from example. Your SO is setting the example that it is acceptable for you to be ignored.. he does it right? As far as the thanks you's and simple manners, maybe it's as simple as someone has never told them these things and if the adults around them are not doing these things, then why would they?
I had a 2 minute discussion with BS5 on Christmas Eve. I told him that when he was opening presents on Christmas morning that it was very important that he remember to ask who each gift was from, so that he could tell that person "thank you" and he did! Every single gift.. even his stocking stuffers that were obviously from "Santa".. but he still asked and said thank you
It sounds like these girls don't have good role models in their life... your SO being one of the worst offenders!
Thank you for your insight.
Thank you for your insight. My intention is to show my SO this thread so that he can see that I'm not crazy for expecting more. I'm big on appreciation. Like I stated, I had the girls make cards, gifts and thank you notes just last week for gifts that they received. It's saddening.
while that's nice that YOU
while that's nice that YOU are trying to set an example, you are not their parent and they know this. When they see you doing one thing and their parent doing quite another, who do you think they are going to disregard?
True. I guess my screen name
True. I guess my screen name is perfect "IrrelevantMe"
Thank you for your candor and
Thank you for your candor and advice. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I was beginning to think that my expectations were too much. Or worse, that I was crazy.
I agree with the above
I agree with the above statement. And long term affects could be brutal. Be careful. The longer it goes on the more it becomes routine. and as they get to be teenagers ...ugh... be careful and sit down with SO and see what is really going on becuase if they treat you like this now they will treat you like this plus in the future.
Thank you. Being ignored is
Thank you. Being ignored is bad enough. By CHILDREN in your own home is.. hell I don't even know what to call it. :?
I don't want to be the
I don't want to be the harbinger of doom....
But do you think it's possible that he wants out? It sounds like he is actually SUPPORTIVE of them being ride and dismissive to you.
I'm prety certain he wants
I'm prety certain he wants out. LOL Green-lighting your children to ignore the lady of the house and her elderly mother is pretty drastic though, or no?
You just made me a believer.
You just made me a believer. You have no idea!!!
Well that's the thing, he
Well that's the thing, he intercepted all interaction with them.. never really giving them a chance to fully respond to me or me to get a word out edgwise. He even cut me off when I tried to show one of them how to hold a cup carefully to not spill milk. I'm depressed and feel defeated.
They are taking cues from
They are taking cues from their father. Why is it OK for him to ignore you? Aren't you his wife? (I don't need answers). If he has checked out, check out yourself. Don't waste any more of your time or your mother's time doing anything for HIS children. Don't let them put out your light...
I also have to add that after
I also have to add that after pointing out the lack of appreciation and them flat out ignoring us, he goes out and buys fireworks for them to watch. Mind you they had a room full of unopened Christmas gifts to play with. :?
I'm definitely worried about
I'm definitely worried about HIM treating me this way. I just didn't want to go into that because this is a site for step-parent/step kid problems. But beleive me.. I'm concerned. Very. And have voiced it to him repeatedly.
I wouldn't even know where to
I wouldn't even know where to begin! Just reading the responses from STRANGERS that don't have any skin in the game or agenda whatsoever has given me the perspective and validation that I didn't realize I needed until this very moment. Thank you so much for that.
I have one for you. If he
I have one for you. If he wants out telling him to grow some balls and GTFO.
Done and Done.
Don't be upset, Irrelevant -
Don't be upset, Irrelevant - be glad you identified these issues before you married him and/or before you had kids with him. I don't want to reiterate what others have already said. If your SO does not begin to see the light soon ( like after a few sessions with a couples counselor soon) you should reconsider your future together. The younger child is only 4? You are looking at a very long 14 years and then some. It will get worse when the girls hit puberty. Then, now and at all times inbetween your partner must have your back. If he teams up with his kids against you the writing is on the wall ( and it spells EXIT).
There must be some child-free men out there who will not expect you to take crap from their precious families. You may want to start looking into finding some...
He does/did want out and I
He does/did want out and I asked him not to be hasty a little over a month ago. He lives with me so he would be the one to move, I thought the relationship was salvageable but now I'm not so sure. When I arrived home from work this evening the kids made my mother and I "thank you cards". It's very awkward around here. Yikes
If he isn't showing you
If he isn't showing you respect then its going to be really hypocritical of him to require them to respect you. Your best bet is to tell him to pack up and hit the road. And like Ditzy said most of the problems with skids are because of their bios. He is a crappy dad, the kids don't have to listen to you and don't want to, the dad doesn't correct them and models the exact behavior for them, He is teaching them how to be disrespectful and he clearly doesn't need/want your advice on how to handle it (probably because they are a reflection of his own actions)
My advice is that if Steplife already has a shit ton of problems and complications WHY WHY WHY in the world would you ever consider step life with a guy that doesn't respect you!?! You should kick him out and start fresh, you deserve respect.
Time for him to go. He's
Time for him to go. He's cutting ties.