"Sd8 is afraid of you"
Blog hogging today,I admit it! Dh and I were having a disagreement because he was complaining that I am distant with sd8. I have very good reason to be mostly disengaged. Nonetheless,I'm polite and chatty with sd8. She doesn't reciprocate,but I feel I'm doing the right thing. It's humane to acknowledge her and find out about her day. I complained to dh that when I get home sd8 has to be prompted to even say hi to me. I hear him constantly whispering to her "get up and say hi to Onstrike". When I walk in the door I say hi to everyone. When I complained about the prompting to dh ,he responded,"Well, she doesn't know what to do,she is afraid"..Wth!?! I say a friendly hello and sd8 is "afraid".
I call bull on that. Sd8 is ballsy and mouthy,hardly the dainty wallflower dh likes to pretend she is. I am used to all kinds of kids liking me. Creepy sd8 stares when dh hugs me. She is quietly sneaking around the house,eavesdropping and appearing out of nowhere. If anyone should be weirded out,it should be me.
I am so mad at dh trying to blame me for sd8 rudeness. How should I respond to this bull from dh?
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Response to DH...."Good.
Response to DH...."Good. Fear is the old-fashioned word for respect"
Yep!!! My own kids say I'm
Yep!!!
My own kids say I'm scary. But they don't give me any lip and they know to be respectful. I get what I want with a look. They know if I'm raising my voice then their ass is grass. (Maybe 3-4 times yearly, but it wakes them all up of they've been slacking).
At this point your
At this point your interaction with SD is going to seem forced. If you're only asking her how her day is to be polite, and you're having negative feelings toward her, kid will pick up on it.
Maybe stop asking her how her day is, maybe just ignore her for a while and the both of you can take a break from all this strained interaction.
Maybe have her to do an activity with you like she can help you with a puzzle or do a coloring book together. You both can just do this for 15 mins a day or so and you all don't even have to talk.
That way there is interaction without all the awkward small talk. And only rule is everyone has to be positive during the activity, no criticism or pouting or whatever.
Don't know what to do with her being creepy. She might not have the best social skills.
What if you tried to turn it
What if you tried to turn it around on him? Tell him that YOU'RE very wary of her because you never know how she's going to react to you.
I'd also let him know that as a parent, it's his job to guide her and teach her social skills and how to be respectful and thoughtful of others - not to just rely on you to pull her up for this. How would he feel if she treated her teacher like this? Would he expect the teacher to just forgive her? I think not!
His attitude is a cop out and he's laying the guilt on you, I'm afraid.
If he still wants to blame you - then treat her like your neighbours child - civil, polite and that's it.
In my 3 years I had the same
In my 3 years I had the same as you - they were "shy" "uncomfortable" (no these children were NOT shy!
Then "they don't like you" coupled with "they are scared of you!"
WTF for? Apart from 2 weeks ago I never raised my voice or disciplined the little bastards ever, they got away with so much shit because I ASKED him to deal with them (as *I* deal with my bios - only difference being *I* actually DO deal with them)
He never parented, never dealt with the blatant rudeness and disrespect - and THIS is what it is, fuck his lame arse excuses.
Your OH is being an ostrich, putting his head in the sand and trying with all his might to pretend that it's NOT his or his kids problem.
It is, but sorry I got nothing on how to fix it.
He's just making an excuse
He's just making an excuse
You can remind him that good
You can remind him that good manners help people deal with uncomfortable feelings. He'd be doing SD a favour by helping her manage her fears with good manners.
And it's true. She'll develop confidence knowing she can handle any situation, even one she's 'afraid' of... (like saying "Hi"???? Whatever... lol)
Whenever I smell BS excuses
Whenever I smell BS excuses whereby my behaviour was always held up for scrutiny against poor widdle skid (where ofcourse absolutely zero expectation was placed) and accusations of my awfulness was made, I would always calmly challenge them head on. So taking the current issues from your OH -"sd is afraid of you..." your response: how and why is she afraid of me? What
am I being accused of?"
Make him give you specific examples of your offence which has legitimately caused fear in this child. My guess is, he wont be able to. If he drags your disengagement into it, I would inform him. The fact you now refuse to do x, y and z for sd would not cause fear in the child, and you do not appreciate him telling you she is scared of you as its BS. I would tell him, seeing as you politely interact with sd, then you can only assume that this is causing sd and OH pain, so you shall refrain from doing that. Tell him you will acknowledge her but thats it, as you would HATE to be accused, again, of doing something wrong. I would also mention how ironic it is that OH seems to enjoy unfairly criticise you, trying to distroy your peace, happiness and confidence however perhaps he should direct the same amount of energy into disseminating his lack of parenting sd. As ultimately, its funny that the child has zero expectation on her to behave,make you feel comfortable and if he imagines her creeping arou d the house spying or refusing to interact with you makes you feel secure. Then he has a weird understanding.
Yep, have had this same EXACT
Yep, have had this same EXACT conversation with my DH regarding oldest SD. The thing that irks me most is that, SD is flat out rude to me and then claims to her dad that I "ignore her". As if she is warm and cuddly to me and I just randomly choose to ignore her! How about taking some personal responsibility?? Ever wonder why I don't "ignore" YSD and SS? Probably because they're nice to me! Give it a try!
My own kids do this to some extent too when I start off in a great mood, then they fight with each other and I get pissed they say "wow, mom - you're in a bad mood". Really?!?! YOU PUT ME THERE!
What I'm getting at is the OP probably does put out a different vibe to her SD - but it's one that was CAUSED by SD. The OP probably has her guard up after being treated like shit. Simple cause and effect.