I have been having a lot of health issues lately. I mostly put it all off to stress. There have been a great many stresses this past year.
One of which being my DD 29 becoming estranged and only letting me see my GD4 once this whole year. According to my ex our DD is in therapy now and being treated for something that may have contributed to her mental state that led to our situation. I have been going to counseling to help me deal with the sadness and grief. I am not trying to contact DD, just letting go and letting God work on it for now.

Anyway the stress has taken it's toll. A couple months ago I lost hearing in my right hear and got ringing/ clicking and blocked feeling. I went to the doctors and even accupuncture but only gained some relief and some hearing back. Nothing they prescribed helped. They just did the hearing test last week and it indicates nerve problem. So they will be doing an MRI with and without contrast dye next week to rule out acoustic neuroma. This is a very scary thing to even think I may have. So if I have it, depending on size and location, etc then treatment is to wait and watch, or consider removing it. Just removing comes with risks and the hearing will likely be lost sooner or later.
I already feel like crap with the constant squawking and ringing in my head, I am so fatigued and have hardly any appetite. I have lost about 8 lbs in two months already.
Of course with the care of the puppies I can't just crawl up in bed and sleep all day.

DH is being very supportive, but I haven't told my sons or Mom and Dad yet. Mom is in the middle of trying to find a new house to buy and I didn't want to upset her any. After the MRI will be soon enough. Maybe they will not find anything. But even then it will be back to square one about why I am having these problems.

Hard to concentrate...ah the moral of this story.
I spent a couple of years dealing with the SD drama crap. And this whole year with the grief of my own DD situation. Time is so precious and cannot ever be regained. I wish I had been stronger thru it all and just told the toxic people to F off. I wish I had not cared and obsessed and ruminated over these people who clearly had no care for me. I wish I had not wasted so much time.
I wish I had poured all that energy into the people I love and not let the evil blackness dwell in my mind and body.
Hindsight is 20/20. Even knowing what I know, fearing that time is slipping away oh so fast, it is hard to shake the grief of this year. I have done many things, accomplished goals, spent time with my mom on a lovely trip, lived in companionship with DH, yet the sadness will not go completely away. I think of my sweet GD4 and wonder does she think I have abandoned her? I used to see her on a regular basis. Life is so unfair. So unfair.

Anyway maybe I am not making any sense. I just needed to write this for me. Steptalk has been a resource for me these past couple years. I follow many of the stories and gain some understanding for how to go on thru the journey.